Off The Wagon

I went off my diet big time last week and the trend has continued to this day.

I keep walking each morning, but only half-heartedly, so it's not doing much for me.

I was doing a high protein, low carb diet, but after a month I wasn't feeling well. This happened the last time I tried this diet. Unfortunately, this bad feeling hit at the same time as my unreasonable depression. So, I started attacking candy, potatoes, bread, blueberry cobbler...and I haven't quit.

I need psyciatric care, the kind where they put you in a padded room on heavy medication. (But at least I don't have Blackberry (c) addiction.)

Take It Easy

I didn’t want to walk today. I struggled out the door. Thank goodness for my husband and my dog, guilting me into my sneakers.

The blue sky and cool breeze should have enticed me to a long stroll, but all I thought about was how far away it was back to my front door. I felt so pathetic. If you could see my insides, you would have thought I was being tortured.

I wanted to walk through the park this weekend for some extra exercise and the weather was perfect for it, but I couldn’t force myself to do it. I reminded myself how my only walking goal is to do my 20 minutes each morning. But the crushing weight of failure bore down on me.

Each time a negative thought popped into my head, I forced it out and my energy followed.

Some days, the simplest things are so hard.

Sybil

The kernel of my soul consists of this child at the age of four. Long before the world took its toll upon me, my soul, mind, heart and physical being co-existed as one entity. I looked at the world with wonder and I felt it look at me in the same way. I was myself. I was genuine. I was honest. I was complete. I was whole. I remember that person and my present journey is not to find her, because I know where she lives, but it is to join her and shrug off my sibylline nature.

My mind sees myself as this person. This is the person I am inside when I think of who I am: bright-eyed, smiling and happy, holding my greatest achievement. This is the person I am struggling to show the rest of the world, the person hidden beneath the layers I have built up around myself. This is the person that yearns to be free of my addictions, obsessions and neuroses, the person who, if she felt the overwhelming need, could do cartwheels in the front yard without killing herself (yes, sometimes, I just want to, ok?)

Here is the person I see when I look in the mirror. You think I’m kidding. I have seen this person for more years than I can count. I pick apart my appearance: the ugly nose, uncooperative hair, pudgy cheeks, hips and thighs, non-existent eyes, poor make-up ability. I know that’s not really the way I look and sometimes I even kind of think I look ok, but most times I feel like this and have done so since I was ten. I recognize that it generally has nothing to do with reality but it’s my reality and it’s a perception I want to change.

I have no picture of how my heart feels about the matter. It has as of yet not chimed in with its opinion. I think it’s afraid to be laughed at or picked on, like the time it was harassed for praying with its hands this way instead of this way. Like God gives as shit. My heart has the biggest shield of all, but it’s peeking through some cracks, trying to get the lay of the land.

Dream Book

This is my Dream Book. It is my present for breaking the 330 mark. Monday's official number was 328.8 pounds. That's a loss of 21.2 pounds since I began and 11.2 pounds since the beginning of July.

I am missing the white stuff (sugar, salt, flour, potatoes) but it's not too bad. I have allot of vegtables and fruit cut up and ready to eat when I'm hungry.

What's hard is eating tons of protein. I've never been much of a meat eater and eggs are not my favorite either, but in low doses throughout the day is easier.

I do feel better, with more energy, less sluggish. My mind also seems clearer. I think between the exercise and "bad" carbs, I am refreshing my system. My clothes are feeling looser, too.

Oops, almost forgot: in my Dream Book I will put pictures and notes of things I want and things I want to accomplish. I must do something instead of eat, because Food is Fuel, not Love.

Dream Dining

I have a new writing pal. Her name is Tangerine . She is my prize for reaching my July goals. I will use her to help me procrastinate when I'm writing. She is a windup toy and flaps her wings and rolls across the table. I will be able to put off writing anything meaningful for hours now.

I went to the doctor on Thursday afternoon. I even left work early to do it. I think my co-workers thought I was on the verge of death (it has been 4 years since I've been to the doctors. I had shingles then.)

I've been having pains in my chest, like you get when you have broncitis. I thought it was really bad allergies and expected to get a good allergy medication. So, she listened to everything, asked me lots of questions and took my blood pressure about 20 times during the visit. Verdict: high blood pressure. She gave me a water pill. I haven't gone pee so much since I was pregnant. I feel better though.

Time to give up my Diet Coke, which is full of sodium. And regular salt. I refuse to go on any other kind of medication.

I did 20 minutes in the pool last night. As I was getting out, my husband, the mean, yucky, slave driver, told me I wasn't finished. Arse. So, I did another ten minutes, which included my stretching and 20 push-ups. OK, so he's not a meany.

I slept really late this morning. I woke at eight and only becasue I had a huge headache, which I am using as an excuse to keep playing on the computer, instead of doing dishes.

Why did I sleep so late (three and a half extra hours.) Dreams, of course.

One was about my daughter getting her own apartment and living with Joe Pesci. Now, most would consider this a nightmare but I was fascinated by her choice.

Then, interwoven with that, was a trip my family was taking. My brother booked the flight and got 10 aairline tickets for a total of $42. We got the cheap seats, but the flight included a family style banquet at long tables and served by white clad maitre dis. It included seven courses. We never arrived at our destination, which was a suprise anyway, because all we did was dine.

Thursday Thirteen Reasons I Want To Lose Weight

Thirteen Things about Vanessa 1. My left knee will thank me. I hurt it a few years ago by stepping backwards into a frozen snow drift (because I’m a klutz) and overextended it in the wrong direction. Now it aches all of the time and the added weight doesn’t help. Oh, my right just informed me, it would be happier, too. 2. My feet ache when I first stand on them. They are little compared to the rest of me. 3. My weight makes me feel old. 4. I want to be able to buckle the seatbelt in my car. 5. I want to be able to sit in cars with arms. 6. I want to be able to sit in an airplane seat without asking for a seatbelt extender or having the frame of the seat makes dents in my thighs. 7. I want to be more bendy for that fun stuff *wink, wink.* 8. I want to prevent all of those ailments that come with being fat before I actually get them. 9. I want to look good when I feel like getting dressed up, instead of looking like a hill with pretty material draped over it. 10. I want to be able to stick my tongue out at a former friend who was not supportive. I know it’s petty, but I don’t care. 11. I want to re-take my wedding pictures in a white dress, just because every girl, even us non-girly types have the secret wish to dress in a beautiful wedding gown. 12. I don’t want to require ten pallbearers instead of the normal six if I die tomorrow. 13. I want to be better than everyone else. Oops, did I say that outloud? P.S. My caption was nominated at Belle of the Brawl. Help a girl out by voting for me so my one vote (me) is not so lonely. P.P.S. I thought I saw on someone’s blog how the Thursday Thirteen links are updated automatically. Does anyone know how to do that or was I hallucinating? Links to Commentors (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!) 1. Quilldancer 2. Jenn

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How You Doin'?

On July 7th, I chose three goals. Let’s see how I did, shall we?

Since that date, I walked every morning but one. I sometimes walked more than 20 minutes and sometimes I did additional exercise, like doing laps in the pool. Goal one achieved.

I lost 8.6 pounds. Today’s official number is 331.4 pounds. I am chalking this up as a success even though it’s not ten pounds. I have entertained every weekend for the last two months, which means I did lots of cooking and alcohol and deserts. Everyone now knows I am on a specific diet and being as supportive as their individual selves will allow. Goal two achieved.

While I did not specifically take time out to sit and meditate, I used my exercise time to consciously relax. I consider this a step towards goal number three’s accomplishment.

So, for August, I will proceed with the three goals I already have with additions.

Goal One: Morning 20 minute walk plus stretching. I’m getting old and creaky, so flexibility is a key goal.

Goal Two: Losing an actual ten pounds this month. There are no holidays or birthdays or visitors to celebrate this month so I think I can do it.

Goal Three: Meditating: sitting down, alone, in the quiet when I get home from work for 15 minutes. I will do this. What’s fifteen minutes? I can spare that. And I so enjoy it.