Sight – You kissed somebody you liked. – We walked down the dirt road by a lake that shimmered in the light of the setting sun. A small breeze blew threw the trees and skipped across the top of the field grasses. Our fingers brushed as we leaned into one another. At a quiet bend, out of sight of our friends, I stood on tip-toe and kissed him.

Smell – You laughed at a joke. – I burned the popcorn again at work. I laughed every time someone brought up the lingering stench and my inability to focus on this simple taste. I was the joke of the day.

Touch – You received money. – Glitter sprinkled over the top of the card. Sharp edges like mini shards of broken glass tingled along my fingertips as I ran them over the surface. When I opened my Birthday card, fifty dollars fluttered to the floor.

Color – You felt young. – Apple green leaves sprouted from brown twigs. A breeze ruffled my corn blonde hair. The sky and river mirrored each other in cornflower and baby blues. Golden sunlight bounced across the tops of trees, wavelets and birds wings. Butterflies joined me as I skipped to my car.

Taste – You liked life. – Hot raspberry sauce poured in the bottom of a tall parfait dish. Creamy vanilla ice cream scooped in next followed by more warm red liquid and topped with whipped cream and a sugar wafer. Sitting in the ice cream shop with my Oma, she watching with a lovely little smile as I slowly devoured heaven.

Movement – You played a game. – I slammed my palm on the edge of the table as I rolled my dice. I needed a six to move out from home and then roll again. Six showed its happy face and I hit the table surface, bouncing board, marbles and dice. One dark globette rolled off of its spot and across the floor.

Emotion – You bested something dangerous. – I have very violent urges. I have always known that there is a point where I could go over the edge. Patience, patience, patience, explodes. This worried me when I had my daughter because besides this internal time bomb, my mother was a wooden spoon disciplinarian. So, there were times when I thought I could be a child abuser. I was relieved and overjoyed each time I didn’t follow through on my impulse to beat my daughter.

Loudness – You acquired an animal. – My daughter wanted a dog. I am not normally a dog person. I told her we could only get one if it came from a pound and it had to be a certain kind (hairless, barkless, poopless) and she had to do the leg work. I figured these restrictions would keep her busy for a while and then she’d lose interest. The next day, she called me at work to say she had met all of my pet criteria. That night we went to the local shelter where dogs and cats spilled out of nooks and crannies. Barking and meowing rose and faltered as we passed cages containing animals I could not save. Finally, in the back, we saw the pupples that would become our Coddles. He sat nice and quiet. Once he found his voice six months later, we discovered no other dog could reach his level of volume.

Temperature – Somebody thought you were important. – The air in the cabin felt like the sudden gush of an open freezer. As I poked my nose and mouth out from under the blankets, puffs of white breath floated above my face. Despite the utter cold, my husband jump out of bed to remake the fire so that an hour later I could emerge into lush warmth.

Sound – You chased something bad. – All of the dogs in the neighborhood barked to each other, passing the news that I had stopped a lose dog in its tracks with my voice, adamant and forceful. I looked it in the eye and bellowed, “Go.” It ran home.

Texture – You were enthusiastic. – I ran my hands over the smooth surface of my boss’ desk as I listed one idea after another that could help him organize his day so he could concentrate on the tasks at hand. I talked about different learning styles and how you should play to your strengths and use what works for you. I went on for an hour caressing the desk top and convincing him that he could get the important things done.

Internal dialogue – You owned something. – I have two houses. I can’t handle two houses. Please, Lord, help me sell the old house so I don’t have a nervous breakdown. Ok, I know this is not the worst thing in the world. Yes, I will try to calm down. I do appreciate that things could be a whole lot worse and I’m just being a whiner. I do appreciate that house. It was my first house and helped me get where I am now, Please don’t punish me because I’m a worry wart bitch. I promise I’ll stop complaining. I know I’m an idiot, but you know I can’t help what I’m thinking. I’m always talking to myself to change the negative thoughts. Thank you very much for listening.

Sight - You were happy.

I saw my daughter after I had just given birth to her and she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and that was the most happy I have ever been in my entire life. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her and I still enjoy watching her.

Smell - You had just finished constructing something.

I had just finished a corset in pure whites for my daughter’s Faire costume. The material smelled clean and fresh and crisp. I smelled very new and rich.

Touch - Life was cheerful.

Sitting in my livingroom at the end of the day on my lounge chair, my husband lying back between my legs, resting his head on my stomach, we talk of the day. He tells me everyday things that become wild Irish tales as I stroke his hair and giggle at his silliness.

Color - Somebody had given you something.

My husband, who rarely buys me cut flowers, brought home a beautiful autumn bouquet for my birthday and our wedding anniversary. The flowers were in deep, silky browns, bright oranges and golden yellows.

Tone - You ate something good.

We were at an Italian restaurant three weeks ago with our German relatives and my parents, my brother and our kids. My husband ordered scallops and shrimp Alfredo. The scallops were buttery and sweet. When I closed my eyes, I heard the buzz of happy talk and close kinship.

External motion - You had a friend.

For several months, my girlfriends and I went roller skating every Wednesday night. I never got used to the sliding, skidding motion I felt as I went around the rink. I always felt anxiety before getting out on the floor. I was sure that I would fall and break an elbow. I never did fall, but the fear never went away. We stopped going when one of my friends had hysterical crying fits every time we met because she was sure her husband was cheating on her while we were skating. The only affair he ever had was with the vodka bottle he finished each night.

Emotion - You felt energetic.

When we were getting ready to move, I felt a surge of energy. Deadlines do that to me, I make up goals just to get things done. I feel very satisfied when I psyche myself into getting things done.

Loudness - Somebody was waiting for you.

The phone rang and rang and rang. How the fuck can I get ready if they are calling me to find out where I am?

Body position - You drove fast.

I have a little Chevy Cavalier with bucket seats and a five speed. I slouch down in the seat, resting my head against the head rest, right wrist lying nonchalantly over the knob of the gear shift and left hand lightly touching the steering wheel. I rock from side to side as I maneuver the curve of the jug handles, squealing tires and going a tad over the speed limit.

Sound - You saw something you liked.

Have you ever seen someone that you felt so attracted to that the rest of the world just kind of fades away? The normal sounds around you get blocked out and a sort of pleasant humming takes over. It washes around you and adds to the tingling feeling vibrating from the tips of your toes to the top of your head.

Weight - You acquired something good.

Someone gave me a crystal ball. She said she had stolen it from a shop she worked in when she lived in California. It is perfectly smooth and clear. When cold, it feels very heavy. The longer I hold it, the lighter it feels.

Personal motion - You threw away something bad.

I carry the little plastic sandwich bags in the chamber on the retractable dog leash. I carry the yellow plastic shopping bag in my left hand. After Cody goes number two, I put one of the sandwich bags on my right hand like a glove and scoop up the poop. I flick open the grocery bag and toss the dog do in. As we finish our walk, I kind of swing the grocery bag in a jaunty manner. When we get home, I slam dunk it in the garbage can.

Grey Questions

GreyShades always asks some good questions. I liked these and thought I’d see how I would answer them today. I may revisit them in the future to see how my answers change.

I could give in and maybe be a little happier, but then that wouldn't be me would it?

On the surface, it looks like I’ve given in, but I haven’t. There is just a gloss of the world in which I’ve chosen to live, but I am still a square peg sitting cockeyed over a round hole. I used to struggle more with my differences, forcing them upon people that were not capable of dealing with me. I tried running from who I am. I tried (very half-heartedly) being someone else. None of these things worked. Giving in did not make me happier.

I have a small world. I didn’t want to give that up either. So, I quietly go about my business. Everyday, I shroud myself in the costume of my country, walk its streets and am me. If you look closely, I do not quite conform. Most days, I can juggle the different compartments of my life.

I could trade my world for someone else's, but then that wouldn't be what I wanted, would it?

I haven’t seen a life other than my own that I would want. I pick up bits and pieces here and there like I’m gathering sea shells and place them on a collage of my own making. Eventually, it will be a work of art. It is a work of art, in progress.

I could take what I'm not sure I want, but then would that be better than not getting what I want?

No, I’d rather do without. I made a conscious decision a few years ago, that I would only take what I truly wanted. No more buying just because it is on sale. No getting the knock off version because it is cheaper. I will wait until I can afford the thing I want, exactly as I want it, to the best of my ability, or nothing at all.

Do I even know what I want?

Usually I do or I keep asking until I do. I ask what is missing a lot.

Do I even know who I am anymore?

The older I get, the better I know myself. I am often deluded though.

Do I even know what makes me happy anymore?

Yes, I know what makes me happy. The key for me is to find the time for what makes me happy.

Am I lost in the melee of my surroundings?

No, I ignore my surroundings. I must usually force myself to pay attention.

Am I living in the real world or is this some pseudo-random scene?

Real is relative. I think we make our own realities.

Am I living in a conflicting world of today and the world that was yesterday?

I don’t know if I know what this means. I don’t live in the past, so it can’t conflict with my present world. While I believe the past affects our present and that we can and should learn from the past, today is today.

Am I taking some steps too soon and some steps too slow?

I usually take a lot of time making decisions, arguing the pros and cons in my mind, doing research asking other people their opinions. But once I make a decision I go full steam ahead until it’s done.

Do my thoughts control me or I control my thoughts?

Oh, this is a chicken or egg question. The answer is both, with no beginning or end to the vicious cycle. I think on the whole I should control my thoughts, but then I wouldn’t have any “Ah, Hah” moments and that’s no fun.
Is my heart and mind in the right place or are they wandering somewhere I don't want them to be? This is a both answer, too. When I am trying to make a conscious effort at something, I try to have my mind and heart in the right place. When I am into free form mode, I allow both to go as they will.

Will these shades of grey ever turn to color?

As far as I’m concerned, most things are shades of grey, which is not bad. It’s not easy, but that doesn’t make it a bad thing. I consider periods of pure color a gift from God, an epiphany.