Alban Eilir

It's the first day of Spring and time for a new outlook on life.

I walked at lunchtime. Actually, I strolled, which was lovely.

I have this weird new thing I'm going to try. I was trying to come up with something to replace eating when I got stressed or nervous. Something like smoking (which I don't want to start again) or crocheting (but I can't do this at work or at parties) or chewing gum (makes my jaw hurt and makes me hungry) or chewing on a pen (yuck.) Then I was doing something with timecards and pulled the rubber band off and began playing with it and it works. Almost like a hynosis gimmic. I've been doing it all day and it's working. I'm blowing off nervous energy, I can hide it, I can snap it to get myself back when I zone out, I can put it around my wrist for when I need it. It's like wiggling your foot, biting your nails or tapping a pen, but better.

I'm going to make a real list of things I want to do before I die.

Thumbsucker

I just watched a movie called Thumbsucker. The movie basically said we are all scared and no matter what form of soothing any of us use, we are all trying to alliviate that fear and the reality is that we are all ok.

I don't know. I feel all goofy now. I have creepy crawlies under my skin and i could explode like a firecracker.

I feel like I should be doing something with myself like jumping out of airplanes or volunteering in a leper colony. Instead, I plod through my ordinary life with nothing extraordinary going on, just annoying knats of everyday mundane bullshit buzzing around my head.

Nothing I do really matters, it's just all boring.

Hibernation - An End

Usually, I survive on five to six hours of sleep a night. About two weeks ago, I took pity on myself. I have left clean clothes unfolded, dishes in the sink for someone else to clean and I refused to multi-task, even at work.

I have been sleeping eight to nine hours a night. I took naps on the weekends. Everyone thinks I am ill. They can't seem to wrap their minds around my new response when they ask me to do something for them: "I don't wanna." And I haven't caved.

I feel better now. I have regrouped. I feel like a fog has lifted from my mind. I am going to see how long I can swim against this tide.