Friday was bad. A culmination of office wide female dissatisfaction. We are all to the point where we do not any change for the better and we are feeding off of each others’ misery. People are openly discussing leaving in the near future. It’s a shame because we all like each other but the constant pressure is too much. Everything is last minute; fixing someone else’s mess; compensating for people who do not have to do their jobs. All of this makes it too hard on us and we do not want to do it any more because the rewards no longer outweigh the benefits. I was in bed by 19.30 after one small glass of wine and without doing the things I wanted to do. I was too tired to even read.
08.25 – I’m already annoyed. Men in this company just get to do whatever they want. When we were talking last night in the parking lot, I made a comment that if we women did not care what other people thought of us, we could get away with shit like the men do. I’m going to try to remember that in the future, because that’s why we allow ourselves to be taken advantage of by the men. We do their jobs and clean up their messes so they don’t think badly of us.
08.32 – I didn’t pack a lunch today and I don’t feel like being virtuous. I’m tired and emotionally exhausted and no one seems to care. If one more person says to me “I’m tired, too.” I’m going to punch them in the face. The correct response is, “I can certainly understand why you would be tired.” I don’t tell people very often what’s going on with me. One would think they’d be just a little bit aware. In case you hadn’t noticed, this is a dumping ground; the landfill of my soul; a bitchfest and I like it. I’m going to have some cream of tomato soup for breakfast.
09.08 – My bookkeeper said working here is like being in a bad marriage and she has it absolutely right. We may all end up leaving at the same time. I love cream of tomato soup. It would be better with slivered up hotdogs and Ritz crackers crumbled in. We are having Chinese for lunch.
14.00 – I am numb and full. I ate all of my Sesame Chicken and brown rice with two cans of Diet Coke. I am calm but feel yucky full. Plus I want a nap now. Lots of stupid stuff happened in the past five hours but right now I don’t care. I’m off to copy a file for the lawyers for an upcoming lawsuit. I have already copied the files once but apparently people can’t pass shit on, so I get to do it again.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Thursday, February 22, 2007
09.14 – I spent all morning at home reading blogs. I did make my lunch, QV’s lunch and Snoogs lunch. I also took a shower, but other than that, just blogs. Then the Codes wouldn’t come in the house. I was 15 minutes late for work. I’ve spent the last hour cleaning up piddly shit (going over, again, who owes logs, the two w/c insurance audit credits and when we will get them, adding a truck to our ezpass account, clearing up and answering emails and discussing our lack of cash flow.) Now I am going to do the things on MY TODO list.
09.24 – I want about 15 pb&j sandwiches (I have one for lunch.) I have wanted them since last night. Both QV and Snoogs prevented me having them by catching me at it and stopping me (thank you them even though I hate them for it.) Why do I want why do I want the extra food? Because I am disappointed in myself for not taking care of my financial homework and for not doing my filing. That’s why and I still don’t wanna.
10.29 – I just caved and ate my pb&j sandwich because my boss is an asshole. I remind him of something he needs to do because time is running out on the deadline and he asks for an impromptu dissertation on the subject and he’s not even listening. He is so passive/aggressive and it really pisses me the hell off. Fucker.
11.07 I could kill for a side of beef right now I am so obsessively upset over this stupid thing. Why can’t I let it go? Because he purposely tried to place me at a disadvantage and he tried to make me feel inadequate, which is how I feel but I’m not and he though I defended myself I still feel inadequate and I am angry. Look an actual feeling word. Here are some more feeling words: Fucker, Fucker, Fucker. I want to hit him over the head and kick him in the stomach. And I want to pull the hairs out of his mustache one by one and drop them in his eye balls. I’m starting to feel better. Who knew that giving vent to my fantasies like this would work? I might be doing more of this, so be wary if you are actually reading any of this crap. He, he, ha, ha, ho, ho.
11.13 – I’m telling you I really feel much better after the above entry. Cool.
11.55 – I could cry right now I am so frustrated and annoyed. In-between someone said they were going out to get lunch and did I want something. First I said no but then I said yes and then I said no again and almost burst into tears. I really hate all of this strife and arguing and defending people that don’t deserve it and having to rearrange my schedule to compensate for the bullshit inability other people have in managing their lives. I’m tired of this crap and being angry all of the time. I shouldn’t have to spend 9 hours a day on guard and in a defensive position or trying to think of ways to be in an offensive position to compensate. No wonder I eat like crazy. I am so wired right now and the only thing that calms me down and numbs me so I can function is major does of carbs and fat. I’m going to start drinking or taking ludes for God’s sake, except then I’d be asleep all day long, which would be ok but no one is going to pay me for that. I’m taking a deep breath now. And another. I’m beginning to think straight again, but seriously I could cry I am so frustrated.
BREATH – sun is warm (not today but I can fantasize)
SMILE – grass is green (soon.)
This is how that breathing lady (you know the one she has infomercials where you get fit and skinny by breathing. She has lots of long bleach blonde hair and big poufy lips and long nails.) If I could just slow down enough in my headlong panic to breath, I’d be better off. Trouble is most times I can’t remember to do that until after I’ve eaten a whole cake.
12.33 – I took a breather break. That helped calm me down but I still feel like crying because I feel like nothing is going to get better here and I know it won’t and that means I will have to leave and I don’t …maybe I do. Now my boss’ wife just came in and began asking me computer questions because their son has 125 viruses on his computer and so he’s using theirs and it’s our MIS guy’s fault for not installing an antivirus program on their son’s computer. And my boss’ father was in here a little while ago saying he’s going to get involved in the company again. I’ll be leaving even sooner if that happens. I’m taking more deep breaths.
I want to leave the building but it’s raining so I can’t go to the park. I need to go to the mall but I’m afraid I will stop at McDonalds on my way there and then on my way back again. Maybe after a few minutes I’ll going. The boss and all of his family members are out so I will have a few moments of peace. Maybe I’ll go when they come back.
13.43 – I’m back. I went to Kitchen Kapers to exchange my cracked salad spinner. On the way back it started raining. Oddly, that makes me feel better. I took some artsy type raindrop photos while I was out too. I did not get and eat any food. Yay for me. As I was leaving and getting in my car, I was reflecting how painful this paying attention to my inner feelings and sensations is. It really hurts and is very uncomfortable. No wonder I have been dulling the pain with food. And I guess since it’s been so long since I’ve done it, it is doubly and triply uncomfortable. Sucks man.
15.27 – Just got done meeting with my boss and our 401k tpa. We are not changing anything, which is what I suggested ages ago but we had to have a total of five meetings to make that decision. I am exhausted. I’m eating my salad now. I waited in case I slopped dressing on my shirt again, little piggy that I am.
15.54 – I just got done talking to a wacky lady over a claim. Why do I take these things so personally? Now I want popcorn. I had my salad and I ate my Kashi bar but I want more. I am really exhausted today. The IRS cashed my check so that age old problem from when I was a poor single mother is finally done. Whoo hoo for future refund checks.
16.34 – I distracted myself by reading the silly stories of the world’s Attention Whores. I will not mention them by name (my own personal boycott) but you know who they are anyway. I think I’ve made it through another day at work without falling off of the wagon. Now I just need a strategy for at home at night before bed when I want cheese cake.
18:12 - Stopped on the way home by the river to see what it looked like because when I took pictures it was frozen over. Today, the ice was breaking up like an ice breaker ship went through. I took pictures. Made me feel a little better.
09.24 – I want about 15 pb&j sandwiches (I have one for lunch.) I have wanted them since last night. Both QV and Snoogs prevented me having them by catching me at it and stopping me (thank you them even though I hate them for it.) Why do I want why do I want the extra food? Because I am disappointed in myself for not taking care of my financial homework and for not doing my filing. That’s why and I still don’t wanna.
10.29 – I just caved and ate my pb&j sandwich because my boss is an asshole. I remind him of something he needs to do because time is running out on the deadline and he asks for an impromptu dissertation on the subject and he’s not even listening. He is so passive/aggressive and it really pisses me the hell off. Fucker.
11.07 I could kill for a side of beef right now I am so obsessively upset over this stupid thing. Why can’t I let it go? Because he purposely tried to place me at a disadvantage and he tried to make me feel inadequate, which is how I feel but I’m not and he though I defended myself I still feel inadequate and I am angry. Look an actual feeling word. Here are some more feeling words: Fucker, Fucker, Fucker. I want to hit him over the head and kick him in the stomach. And I want to pull the hairs out of his mustache one by one and drop them in his eye balls. I’m starting to feel better. Who knew that giving vent to my fantasies like this would work? I might be doing more of this, so be wary if you are actually reading any of this crap. He, he, ha, ha, ho, ho.
11.13 – I’m telling you I really feel much better after the above entry. Cool.
11.55 – I could cry right now I am so frustrated and annoyed. In-between someone said they were going out to get lunch and did I want something. First I said no but then I said yes and then I said no again and almost burst into tears. I really hate all of this strife and arguing and defending people that don’t deserve it and having to rearrange my schedule to compensate for the bullshit inability other people have in managing their lives. I’m tired of this crap and being angry all of the time. I shouldn’t have to spend 9 hours a day on guard and in a defensive position or trying to think of ways to be in an offensive position to compensate. No wonder I eat like crazy. I am so wired right now and the only thing that calms me down and numbs me so I can function is major does of carbs and fat. I’m going to start drinking or taking ludes for God’s sake, except then I’d be asleep all day long, which would be ok but no one is going to pay me for that. I’m taking a deep breath now. And another. I’m beginning to think straight again, but seriously I could cry I am so frustrated.
BREATH – sun is warm (not today but I can fantasize)
SMILE – grass is green (soon.)
This is how that breathing lady (you know the one she has infomercials where you get fit and skinny by breathing. She has lots of long bleach blonde hair and big poufy lips and long nails.) If I could just slow down enough in my headlong panic to breath, I’d be better off. Trouble is most times I can’t remember to do that until after I’ve eaten a whole cake.
12.33 – I took a breather break. That helped calm me down but I still feel like crying because I feel like nothing is going to get better here and I know it won’t and that means I will have to leave and I don’t …maybe I do. Now my boss’ wife just came in and began asking me computer questions because their son has 125 viruses on his computer and so he’s using theirs and it’s our MIS guy’s fault for not installing an antivirus program on their son’s computer. And my boss’ father was in here a little while ago saying he’s going to get involved in the company again. I’ll be leaving even sooner if that happens. I’m taking more deep breaths.
I want to leave the building but it’s raining so I can’t go to the park. I need to go to the mall but I’m afraid I will stop at McDonalds on my way there and then on my way back again. Maybe after a few minutes I’ll going. The boss and all of his family members are out so I will have a few moments of peace. Maybe I’ll go when they come back.
13.43 – I’m back. I went to Kitchen Kapers to exchange my cracked salad spinner. On the way back it started raining. Oddly, that makes me feel better. I took some artsy type raindrop photos while I was out too. I did not get and eat any food. Yay for me. As I was leaving and getting in my car, I was reflecting how painful this paying attention to my inner feelings and sensations is. It really hurts and is very uncomfortable. No wonder I have been dulling the pain with food. And I guess since it’s been so long since I’ve done it, it is doubly and triply uncomfortable. Sucks man.
15.27 – Just got done meeting with my boss and our 401k tpa. We are not changing anything, which is what I suggested ages ago but we had to have a total of five meetings to make that decision. I am exhausted. I’m eating my salad now. I waited in case I slopped dressing on my shirt again, little piggy that I am.
15.54 – I just got done talking to a wacky lady over a claim. Why do I take these things so personally? Now I want popcorn. I had my salad and I ate my Kashi bar but I want more. I am really exhausted today. The IRS cashed my check so that age old problem from when I was a poor single mother is finally done. Whoo hoo for future refund checks.
16.34 – I distracted myself by reading the silly stories of the world’s Attention Whores. I will not mention them by name (my own personal boycott) but you know who they are anyway. I think I’ve made it through another day at work without falling off of the wagon. Now I just need a strategy for at home at night before bed when I want cheese cake.
18:12 - Stopped on the way home by the river to see what it looked like because when I took pictures it was frozen over. Today, the ice was breaking up like an ice breaker ship went through. I took pictures. Made me feel a little better.
Yesterday
08.21 – I’m at work. I have already done a load of laundry, checked all of my blog list, got the papers together for tonight, straightened up the kitchen, made a list of things QV is to do today to get ready for tonight and made my daily TODO list. I love lists. QV and Snoogs really annoy me sometimes because they try so hard to misunderstand each other. They ruined my night. Snoogs told a stupid joke what QV as the object of the joke (stupid girl) and QV insisted she was serious (idiot husband.) I’m going to start going to bars after work. I think that will help. Unfortunately, people like to hunt me down. I hate everyone this morning.
My work TODO list: payroll, health insurance bill (they totally screwed it up when I asked to have the health and dental on the same bill – now the invoices are inflated and of course they have no idea what they did wrong.), then I must reconcile petty cash and several trips and make up new benefits packages for those people who haven’t gotten theirs, plus if there is time, I must go online and register our trailers.
My personal TODO for today: pay the phone company which I hate, pay car insurance, cell phones, water and electric (yipee for paying bills) see if I can get online at QV work to check his benefits, call my brother about his wife’s BD Sunday, make her card, write up our budget for the finance lady tonight, find out the date of our family reunion so I can schedule off. I love lists.
09.08 – I am annoyed at our bookkeeper because I have to drop everything and look online at our AmEx account to see why there is a debit to our bank account. One would think since she needs to know this stuff now she’d do it herself, pain in the ass.
09.18 – I can tell this is not going to be a good day. Already I am being annoyed by everyone that crosses my path. Now our dispatcher suggested I misplaced a driver’s logs, because the driver says he turned them in, like he’s known for his reliability. Is it wrong to hit people when they annoy you? Please say no.
09.28 – I’m having my yogurt smoothie and Kashi bar. Maybe the carbs will clam me down. I need to fix my lunchbox handles so my lunchbox doesn’t spin upside down (another thaing that annoys me – shoddy engineering.)
10.25 – Took my vitamins. Talked to my brother who is always funny. He went to the Bahamamas for our cousin’s wedding. Our relatives definitely qualify as white trash; multiple DUI’s and marriages and arrests. Everyone was drunk for the wedding except my brother, his wife and our cousin. Snoogs walked into his office while we were talking (my brother and my daughter work at the same hospital.) She told him he needs to get his ass moving and yes, he’s her boss. Isn’t family great?
11.06 – I just stood up and stretched. That felt good. My boss was in my office making me nuts for an half hour then my bookkeeper was here for 15 minutes complaining about my boss. I spend more time listening to other people complain. My life is such a joy.
11.20 – I am eating lunch because I am hungry. I get up at 04.30 so that’s 7 hours. QV called. Our meeting with the financial advisors is cancelled for tonight. That’s a good thing; gives me more time to procrastinate.
11.47 – I finished my sandwich and my salad and I am totally unfullfilled. I want something more. Maybe its because I don’t have our budget done and I am castigating myself for my inability to do what needs to be done in a more timely fashion. Maybe it’s because I want some ice cream. Actually I want a Diet Coke but there’s so much salt in them that they make me feel even worse, so I’ll have water instead. – done taking a gulp – I like water and can drink lots. My mother always worried I had diabietes because of how much liquid I require, and I don’t. I’ve been tested many times. I have flecks of Catalina salad dressing all over my white shirt. I really should pay attention while I eat. So much for eating at my desk. I’m feeling fuller now. Not totally satisfied, but fuller. Back to checking time card math.
12.12 – Actually I feel quite full right now. Almost too full. This paying attention to feelings is crap and a pain in the ass.
14.16 – Finished payroll. I’m eating my soy beans. I started thinking about changing jobs and all that it would mean. And I thought about how little time I have to study for my certification test. Now I’m all nervious and anxious.
15.25 – I finished my chapter for the day. I must read one a day if I am going to make it by May 1st and have time do study. Someone just made popcorn. I love the smell of popcorn.
15.48 – Grape time.
16.09 – I was just wondering what if Hilary and Barak ran on the same ticket? Who would be VP? I’m tired.
16.35 – Time to pee again, which is the big problem with drinking lots of water and not eating lots of salt. Can nothing ever be perfect? I wonder if I can remember the six emotions: happy, sad, angry. That’s it; the extent of my emotional depth.
15.56 – Almost time. Woo – hoo. And I will do my filing tonight at home. I will really. And finish the budget. And if I’m a good girl, blog. Yipee.
* * * Update * * *
QV and Snoogs actually had an extended and amiable conversation tonight.
I lied. I didn't do my filing. I was in bed by 19.30.
My work TODO list: payroll, health insurance bill (they totally screwed it up when I asked to have the health and dental on the same bill – now the invoices are inflated and of course they have no idea what they did wrong.), then I must reconcile petty cash and several trips and make up new benefits packages for those people who haven’t gotten theirs, plus if there is time, I must go online and register our trailers.
My personal TODO for today: pay the phone company which I hate, pay car insurance, cell phones, water and electric (yipee for paying bills) see if I can get online at QV work to check his benefits, call my brother about his wife’s BD Sunday, make her card, write up our budget for the finance lady tonight, find out the date of our family reunion so I can schedule off. I love lists.
09.08 – I am annoyed at our bookkeeper because I have to drop everything and look online at our AmEx account to see why there is a debit to our bank account. One would think since she needs to know this stuff now she’d do it herself, pain in the ass.
09.18 – I can tell this is not going to be a good day. Already I am being annoyed by everyone that crosses my path. Now our dispatcher suggested I misplaced a driver’s logs, because the driver says he turned them in, like he’s known for his reliability. Is it wrong to hit people when they annoy you? Please say no.
09.28 – I’m having my yogurt smoothie and Kashi bar. Maybe the carbs will clam me down. I need to fix my lunchbox handles so my lunchbox doesn’t spin upside down (another thaing that annoys me – shoddy engineering.)
10.25 – Took my vitamins. Talked to my brother who is always funny. He went to the Bahamamas for our cousin’s wedding. Our relatives definitely qualify as white trash; multiple DUI’s and marriages and arrests. Everyone was drunk for the wedding except my brother, his wife and our cousin. Snoogs walked into his office while we were talking (my brother and my daughter work at the same hospital.) She told him he needs to get his ass moving and yes, he’s her boss. Isn’t family great?
11.06 – I just stood up and stretched. That felt good. My boss was in my office making me nuts for an half hour then my bookkeeper was here for 15 minutes complaining about my boss. I spend more time listening to other people complain. My life is such a joy.
11.20 – I am eating lunch because I am hungry. I get up at 04.30 so that’s 7 hours. QV called. Our meeting with the financial advisors is cancelled for tonight. That’s a good thing; gives me more time to procrastinate.
11.47 – I finished my sandwich and my salad and I am totally unfullfilled. I want something more. Maybe its because I don’t have our budget done and I am castigating myself for my inability to do what needs to be done in a more timely fashion. Maybe it’s because I want some ice cream. Actually I want a Diet Coke but there’s so much salt in them that they make me feel even worse, so I’ll have water instead. – done taking a gulp – I like water and can drink lots. My mother always worried I had diabietes because of how much liquid I require, and I don’t. I’ve been tested many times. I have flecks of Catalina salad dressing all over my white shirt. I really should pay attention while I eat. So much for eating at my desk. I’m feeling fuller now. Not totally satisfied, but fuller. Back to checking time card math.
12.12 – Actually I feel quite full right now. Almost too full. This paying attention to feelings is crap and a pain in the ass.
14.16 – Finished payroll. I’m eating my soy beans. I started thinking about changing jobs and all that it would mean. And I thought about how little time I have to study for my certification test. Now I’m all nervious and anxious.
15.25 – I finished my chapter for the day. I must read one a day if I am going to make it by May 1st and have time do study. Someone just made popcorn. I love the smell of popcorn.
15.48 – Grape time.
16.09 – I was just wondering what if Hilary and Barak ran on the same ticket? Who would be VP? I’m tired.
16.35 – Time to pee again, which is the big problem with drinking lots of water and not eating lots of salt. Can nothing ever be perfect? I wonder if I can remember the six emotions: happy, sad, angry. That’s it; the extent of my emotional depth.
15.56 – Almost time. Woo – hoo. And I will do my filing tonight at home. I will really. And finish the budget. And if I’m a good girl, blog. Yipee.
* * * Update * * *
QV and Snoogs actually had an extended and amiable conversation tonight.
I lied. I didn't do my filing. I was in bed by 19.30.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
09.15 - I have no idea how I feel. Sometimes, well, really most times, I’m very annoyed but I don’t think that’s a real emotion. As a matter of fact, I’m annoyed most of the time, so that is just a state of being, a distraction from what is really going on. When I’m annoyed that means that someone outside of myself is imposing on me and I don’t like it. They are breaking into my internal reverie; disturbing my train of thought; forcing reality on the little fantasy world I have going on in my head all of the time. I’d be really happy if I could be a hermit and day dream my life away. (116)
09.26 – I always feel better when I am writing but I fear that is a distraction, too.
09.32 – I’m eating my lunch because I just read some comments on my art (and they were good) and now I feel uncomfortable. I feel like a fraud. I am nervous. I am scared. I want a V-8.
10.21 – I just got done with the mind numbing sort of drivers’ logs. I’m worried about my puppy. He had a bunch of shots yesterday and the shots always make him lethargic. He didn’t even pee this morning. He just stood outside staring into space like a person on Prozac. I want lots of money (please God, I don’t want anyone to die so I can get it – the lottery will do) so I can stay home with my baby. I love my Codels.
10.41 – I am ready for a nap. “Per chance to dream.” I’m bored.
11.21 – I hate our copiers. They are digital computer copiers that print like laser printers and they are so fucking slow I could die and be resurrected before they are done making my damn copies. Damn it! My stomach is all distended from the sandwich I had for lunch/breakfast. And the V-8 juice keeps repeating on me and I do not have my Tums in my lunch box.
Whine, whine, whine, whine, whine, pthst.
11.32 – I want some Häagen-Dazs dulce de leche ice cream. I’m not hungry, I just want some. I am very full but I could eat some ice cream. Actually now that I am really thinking about it, I couldn’t eat anything right now. I might throw up. I have no energy though. I still want a nap. Maybe I’m depressed and not bored. Maybe I am both. I just don’t want to be here.
11.40 – Maybe some water. I am a bit parched. Yes, I really think in this stupid voice. - - - that is better.
12.24 – I distracted myself with writing limericks. I feel more awake and alert. Bully for me. Back to logs.
12.46 – I’m picking at my fava beans (they are really soy beans.) It’s like eating nuts.
13.03 – Off to potty then a lunchtime study. One hour of reading boring HR books.
13.09 – I want sugar. I’ll have some grapes and a Kashi bar instead. Oh, yum. I spoke with my husband at 11.30 as he was on his way home from work. He was going to check on my puppy and call me. He didn’t call. I called him and he didn’t answer his cell phone. Now, I’m worried about my puppy even more and I’m mad at my husband. Let me call him again, the old fart. - - - No answer on the cell phone or the house phone. What the hell?
13.20 – QV (my husband) just called. He had his phone on the counter while he was out chopping up ice on the driveway. He said Cody was fine and so was he, thanks for asking. Yeah, ok, like I never ask.
14.04 – My brain is fuzzy from reading. I never did have my grapes and Kashi bar; maybe later. I’m going to get up from my desk and walk around the office, and then it’s back to logs.
14.22 – Why do I like salt so much? Those soy beans are so good with some salt on them. I’m using Lite Salt, though, which isn’t bad.
14.37 – I’m eating my grapes and Kashi bar now. I’m hungry. I keep thinking about all of the piles of papers in my office at home that I will have to force myself to deal with tonight. I should have done it over the weekend instead of start a new blog. Now I feel I won’t be ready for our FA tomorrow night. And I still haven’t detailed our budget. I hate it when I procrastinate. It sucks.
15.00 – Why do people ask my opinion only to tell me I’m wrong? If you really don’t want to hear what I have to say, quite asking me. I have no great need to tell you. Leave me the hell alone. I should just turn it around and ask what they think then agree with them. Yeah, that’s what I will do. I can then zone out while they are talking and just nod when they are done. Sounds like a good plan.
15.09 – I want potato chips and candy and tomato soup because I am frustrated that nothing ever gets done here at work unless it becomes a crisis.
15.15 – I think the way bounty hunters can do whatever they want to anyone is terrible. While I’m glad he caught that perve in Mexico, they should have some rules to follow.
15.51 – My desk is very clean. I like it. I cleaned it on Friday. It was really dirty and dusty, but now it’s not. I’m waiting for my coffee Coolatta from Dunkin Donuts. I like coffee slurpies and I need a caffeine boost for tonight.
16.03 – My Coolatta has arrived and it is yummy. Excuse me while I enjoy.
16.59 – Almost time for freedom. Jason Isaacs is hot. I love his blue eyes and black hair. Ding, ding, ding. It is five of the clock.
09.26 – I always feel better when I am writing but I fear that is a distraction, too.
09.32 – I’m eating my lunch because I just read some comments on my art (and they were good) and now I feel uncomfortable. I feel like a fraud. I am nervous. I am scared. I want a V-8.
10.21 – I just got done with the mind numbing sort of drivers’ logs. I’m worried about my puppy. He had a bunch of shots yesterday and the shots always make him lethargic. He didn’t even pee this morning. He just stood outside staring into space like a person on Prozac. I want lots of money (please God, I don’t want anyone to die so I can get it – the lottery will do) so I can stay home with my baby. I love my Codels.
10.41 – I am ready for a nap. “Per chance to dream.” I’m bored.
11.21 – I hate our copiers. They are digital computer copiers that print like laser printers and they are so fucking slow I could die and be resurrected before they are done making my damn copies. Damn it! My stomach is all distended from the sandwich I had for lunch/breakfast. And the V-8 juice keeps repeating on me and I do not have my Tums in my lunch box.
Whine, whine, whine, whine, whine, pthst.
11.32 – I want some Häagen-Dazs dulce de leche ice cream. I’m not hungry, I just want some. I am very full but I could eat some ice cream. Actually now that I am really thinking about it, I couldn’t eat anything right now. I might throw up. I have no energy though. I still want a nap. Maybe I’m depressed and not bored. Maybe I am both. I just don’t want to be here.
11.40 – Maybe some water. I am a bit parched. Yes, I really think in this stupid voice. - - - that is better.
12.24 – I distracted myself with writing limericks. I feel more awake and alert. Bully for me. Back to logs.
12.46 – I’m picking at my fava beans (they are really soy beans.) It’s like eating nuts.
13.03 – Off to potty then a lunchtime study. One hour of reading boring HR books.
13.09 – I want sugar. I’ll have some grapes and a Kashi bar instead. Oh, yum. I spoke with my husband at 11.30 as he was on his way home from work. He was going to check on my puppy and call me. He didn’t call. I called him and he didn’t answer his cell phone. Now, I’m worried about my puppy even more and I’m mad at my husband. Let me call him again, the old fart. - - - No answer on the cell phone or the house phone. What the hell?
13.20 – QV (my husband) just called. He had his phone on the counter while he was out chopping up ice on the driveway. He said Cody was fine and so was he, thanks for asking. Yeah, ok, like I never ask.
14.04 – My brain is fuzzy from reading. I never did have my grapes and Kashi bar; maybe later. I’m going to get up from my desk and walk around the office, and then it’s back to logs.
14.22 – Why do I like salt so much? Those soy beans are so good with some salt on them. I’m using Lite Salt, though, which isn’t bad.
14.37 – I’m eating my grapes and Kashi bar now. I’m hungry. I keep thinking about all of the piles of papers in my office at home that I will have to force myself to deal with tonight. I should have done it over the weekend instead of start a new blog. Now I feel I won’t be ready for our FA tomorrow night. And I still haven’t detailed our budget. I hate it when I procrastinate. It sucks.
15.00 – Why do people ask my opinion only to tell me I’m wrong? If you really don’t want to hear what I have to say, quite asking me. I have no great need to tell you. Leave me the hell alone. I should just turn it around and ask what they think then agree with them. Yeah, that’s what I will do. I can then zone out while they are talking and just nod when they are done. Sounds like a good plan.
15.09 – I want potato chips and candy and tomato soup because I am frustrated that nothing ever gets done here at work unless it becomes a crisis.
15.15 – I think the way bounty hunters can do whatever they want to anyone is terrible. While I’m glad he caught that perve in Mexico, they should have some rules to follow.
15.51 – My desk is very clean. I like it. I cleaned it on Friday. It was really dirty and dusty, but now it’s not. I’m waiting for my coffee Coolatta from Dunkin Donuts. I like coffee slurpies and I need a caffeine boost for tonight.
16.03 – My Coolatta has arrived and it is yummy. Excuse me while I enjoy.
16.59 – Almost time for freedom. Jason Isaacs is hot. I love his blue eyes and black hair. Ding, ding, ding. It is five of the clock.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
My parents just gave me some canvases that my long dead grandfather painted. I remember when I was a young child people commented that I got my artistic talent and interest from him, which is asinine as he isn’t really related to me. He just married my grandmother.
I always wanted the paintings because his work always spoke to me. Now, as I sit here looking at them hanging on my walls, I wonder what exactly they say. I like the paintings and the few chalk drawings he did that I have but I hate the man. I look at the canvases, focusing just on the paint and composition and brush strokes and I think, “Good art.” Then, I think of him and want to puke. I begin to cry. What sick person hangs paintings in her home done by the man who molested her when she was eleven?
I tell myself it is time to work through these feelings but I haven’t got any idea what these feelings are. I loved that man; he understood standing in a mountain top field and just looking, without talking, without comment, just feeling the colors and hearing the movement of the leaves on the trees. I wanted to be part of that. I wanted to paint, I wanted to draw.
One day I decided to go to the basement to get wood to heat up the water heater so he could have his bath when he came home that afternoon. I locked myself out. I went to the beer garden where he had his beers after work. Wasn’t I cute, he told his friends, when I explained what had happened. He took me home. We stoked up the fire. He molested me.
I had seen my mother nearly throw him out of his own house when he picked on my younger brother for using only one utensil at dinner. So, I told my mother and she told me not to upset anyone. I never told anyone else. I now sit with my back to walls and watch other people so as not to be taken by surprise. I trust no one, least of all myself.
I look at these paintings and hate him for making my sweet gesture filthy and for stealing another chunk of innocence and making me doubt myself and for adding to my warped feelings about my physical self image.
I hate my mother for sweeping it under the rug and only caring about appearances.
I hate my father for never being there to protect me.
I hate myself most of all for being a target. I continue to hate myself.
While I have come to terms with the situation and I have forgiven my parents and even him, I have not been able to forgive myself. Can I ever, deep down in my core, believe and trust myself again?
I always wanted the paintings because his work always spoke to me. Now, as I sit here looking at them hanging on my walls, I wonder what exactly they say. I like the paintings and the few chalk drawings he did that I have but I hate the man. I look at the canvases, focusing just on the paint and composition and brush strokes and I think, “Good art.” Then, I think of him and want to puke. I begin to cry. What sick person hangs paintings in her home done by the man who molested her when she was eleven?
I tell myself it is time to work through these feelings but I haven’t got any idea what these feelings are. I loved that man; he understood standing in a mountain top field and just looking, without talking, without comment, just feeling the colors and hearing the movement of the leaves on the trees. I wanted to be part of that. I wanted to paint, I wanted to draw.
One day I decided to go to the basement to get wood to heat up the water heater so he could have his bath when he came home that afternoon. I locked myself out. I went to the beer garden where he had his beers after work. Wasn’t I cute, he told his friends, when I explained what had happened. He took me home. We stoked up the fire. He molested me.
I had seen my mother nearly throw him out of his own house when he picked on my younger brother for using only one utensil at dinner. So, I told my mother and she told me not to upset anyone. I never told anyone else. I now sit with my back to walls and watch other people so as not to be taken by surprise. I trust no one, least of all myself.
I look at these paintings and hate him for making my sweet gesture filthy and for stealing another chunk of innocence and making me doubt myself and for adding to my warped feelings about my physical self image.
I hate my mother for sweeping it under the rug and only caring about appearances.
I hate my father for never being there to protect me.
I hate myself most of all for being a target. I continue to hate myself.
While I have come to terms with the situation and I have forgiven my parents and even him, I have not been able to forgive myself. Can I ever, deep down in my core, believe and trust myself again?
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