I was slender and fit as a young child. Never skinny or small. I am of hearty European peasant stock (Austrian Celts, Germans, Irish) and a touch of East Coast Mohawk Indian, so I have curves, breasts, breeding hips and thighs. And I am denser than I appear. In other words, I've always worn my weight well. I wish I had accepted these things as ok a while ago, but I didn't appreciate what I had. At 150 pounds, I wore a size 9 desiner jeans. Now, I know there's nothing wrong with that but before I only focused on the number 150 and the dissatifaction of some jealous people around me. I never knew I was ok. I was never perfect so I was wrong, bad and yucky. But I disgress.
At the age of 10, things began to go wrong with my view of food. I got a friend who was not a friend and I didn't know it. This is when I began to medicate myself with food. She felt her life was so pathetic because her father had died in the Vietnam War, she had a glass eye, her mom was a man, she had to share her living space with young sailors who only noticed her older sisters and she was a bitch so no one liked her. All of these things were true. So, I felt sorry for her and since I was once again the new kid on the block and she sought me out for friendship (because she had used everyone else up) I was gratefully. I had no idea she hated me. I had no idea she was jealous of me. I had no idea she blamed me for her lacks as she perceived me as having everything. I have always looked like the lucky, carefree, whitebread, girl next door. So the abuse began (which included her hittingme when she was unhappy, which was often.) We only did what she wanted, when she wanted, how she wanted. We didn't move because she was disabled. We didn't associate with other people because no one liked her. The only exercise we got was when we went to the candy store. We ate and sat. And I was miserable but I didn't know why at the time. Subconciously I discovered the drug like effect of carbohydrates. I began eating whenever I felt uncomfortable. After a year and a half of this training, I was hooked.
4 comments:
Hi there! I've seen you at Logo's for a while and always loved your butterfly pic. My daughter's name is also Vanessa - named for the butterfly.
Anyway, I stopped by your regular blog and saw this one. Then, I read every post. I think that food is like a drug and very addictive. I am struggling with my weight - have been for years. I came close to my goal 2 years ago but due to stress and other factors, I returned to eating as a source of comfort and gained it all back - plus a little bit more.
This past March, I came to a point where I was totally disgusted with myself. I decided I needed to change my lifestyle and become a healthier person - also, I'd like to look good again. Type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and high cholesterol all run in my family and I don't want any of that if I can help it. Also, I want my kids to never be embarrassed by my appearance.
First, I gave up sugar and drastically cut down on white flour products - I actually eat none if I can help it but sometimes I just need pasta. I did have some withdrawal but after a week or so I didn't have cravings. Next, I turned to the Harris Benedict Counter to figure out how many calories & how much exercise I would need to loose 2 pounds a week. I have to walk on the treadmill 4 times a week for 40 minutes for this to happen. I always feel guilty when I don't walk.
Sorry about the giant comment but I really relate to so much in this blog and wanted to let you know that you're not alone and I'm glad I stopped by.
Snavylyn: Thanks for stopping by. I like long comments.
Because carbs really affect my blood sugar like a drug (I can feel the difference right away) I am doing the same thing you are doing. I'm cutting out all white and starchy carbs for a while. I'm going through withdrawals, but overall I feel better. I'm eating mostly lean proteins with lots of vegtables and a tiny bit of fruit at night for dessert.
I've been walking everyday. Walking is the magic pill. It affects so many things. I'm only doing 20 minutes a day right now, but it's helping. The air is not very good right now for a heavy person to do too much too soon. Eventually, 45 minutes is my final goal. I was at my best when I did that before.
Good luck with your health and weight issues. I'll be cheering for you.
Wow. You are one sweet person to have remained her friend when she was so disturbed.
Even at 10, Nessa?
Jenn: Yeah, wacky, huh? Towards the end of our relationship, when we went bowling once, she hit me in front of a group of boys. I grabbed her wrist, she tried to break away and couldn't. I looked her dead in the eye and quietly told her never to hit me again. I continued to hold her wrist and her gaze a few seconds longer. Neither she or anyone else (except my mother) ever hit me again.
I've been told I have a very impressive "look" when I mean business.
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