a Vanessa V. Kilmer blog - comments disabled

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Who Are You?

I took a personality test yesterday. I came up as this personality type: INTJ consisting of Introvert 82% (extrovert), Intuition 12% (sensing), Thinking 4% (feeling) and Judging 6% (perceiving). Opposites of my traits are in parenthesis. Not much of a surprise that I am mostly an Introvert. Just another confirmation of why I act the way I do in the “real” world. I am working on being ok with my self-contained self. I long to be able to make small talk or mingle in a crowd of more than two or feign interest in the same stories I’ve heard more than once. But no matter how hard I try, it just doesn’t happen. I should stop trying to be what I am not and work on being the best me I can be.

I wanted to remember my dreams from last night and I did when I first woke up but then I went back to bed and turned the TV on and I lost them all. There was a winding road and car accidents and a house with very old things in it that I liked rooting through. There was also car accidents from racing wildly on the road and several dead people. There was one man who was in a relationship with one woman but when another woman lay on the ground dying (or as he thought she was dying) he professed his love for the dying woman as the first woman stood looking on in the background. I guess I remembered more than I thought I did.

My money showed up in my account this morning. We’ll be able to breath a bit easier for a little while at least. If QV goes back to work by the end of the month like he’s supposed to then we should be ok. We will be able to get the bedroom done finally, finish the closet by putting in corner shelves and installing sliding doors. Then we’ll be getting IKEA cabinets and a king size bed with a new mattress. Yay! We are putting in a floating counter under the front windows going from cabinet to cabinet as a desk/vanity. We are also putting in floating side tables on each side of the bed. I want as much off of the floor as possible.

We are getting a new couch in the living room, too. Can stand the piece of crap we currently have. It was a freebie from one of QV’s brother’s friends and it is worn out and way too low to the ground. We’re looking at a leather couch so The Codes’ hair is easier to clean up. I have bed sheet suspenders ordered from Amazon so I can clip a cover over the couch and it won’t slip so The Codes nails don’t poke through the leather.

Those are the big things. There are smaller projects that need to be finished, like the electrical plugs in the kitchen over the sink and putting up my art on the living room walls.

I was contacted by one of my co-workers from my old job. She’d like to stay in touch. I am glad someone does. After 16 years, you’d think someone would have the balls to still talk to me. I know they must all feel weird but come on. Anyway, I’m happy at least one person still wants me. :)

The guy is here from PSE&G to fix the heater. It blows cold air sometimes when it comes on even though the pilot light is on.

The Xfinity guy is due here this morning too. He is coming to give me a new DVR box since I can’t get any of my Premium channels. I just noticed I am missing some of my recordings. I wonder if I deleted them by accident since the remote and the box don’t communicate very well with each other. Sometimes you press the remote and it doesn’t connect with the box. Then when you press the button too many times out of frustration then it does too many things at once and you end up deleting shows. I hope the new box fixes all of that.

A bit wordy today.


Monday, March 11, 2013

Mosey into Monday

1121 I’m writing late today. I’ve decided to take it easy on Mondays and do my schedule/list in whatever order strikes my fancy.

I slept late today (0715.) I slept all night long. I had some cool dreams. I barely remember most of them. Something about my mother getting diabetes (she talked about this several times yesterday so not very revealing except about my inability not to obsess over things she says.) As I lay in bed last night, I thought about how bad i always feel when I spend any amount of time in her presence. I can never speak the truth of what I feel or think because she then goes off in very inappropriate tangents or tells me I’m wrong/bad/crazy. I feel like I am walking through a minefield. I get all itchy and vibraty feeling. And it lasts for days afterwards. This makes me so sad, I could cry whenever I think of her. When I compare the relationship I have with her and the relationship my daughter and I have together. My daughter, The Snoogs, and I are best friends as well as mother/daughter. The relationship I have with my mother is defined by fear on my part. She mostly doesn’t like much about me. There’s duty. Maybe some sort of love she feels she must have for me. When she hugs me and kisses me it feels like I’m up against a dead, floppy fish and this pains me in my soul. I am on the verge of tears right now.

Boy that was a tangent. This looking at my feelings is time consuming and upsetting. No wonder I never did it before. :)

So in my dreams last night I fought off bullies. I was in college. (I’m jumping around here.) I lived in a camper with a male roommate who was very hot and fun and funny. I went out to a lot of clubs with girlfriends. I loved my roommate but it was unrequited until the very end when I was going to leave our living arrangements because I needed to move on and staying with our relationship the way it was hurt me. So I was leaving and then he realized he couldn’t live without me. I went to some sort of stage show. I was the only white person in the audience. The show was shut down less than half way through the program - I don’t remember why. I rioted. No one else did. They just left. Some football players were picking on another student. I lept over a railing and beat the quarterback back and yelled at him. We were all at a NASCAR race but it was at a school. So I brught the bullied student up in the stands with my friends and it turned out he had a bomb and guns and he was going to kill everyone and I couldn’t talk him out of it so I had to turn him into the police (he wouldn’t give up his tool kit) so they could deactivate the bomb.


Sunday, March 10, 2013

A Blank Page

Words are eluding me this morning. I woke at 0400 (the old time) with a full bladder and the MM laying on top of my head and nudging me out of bed. I couldn’t get back to sleep even after I moved him over for more room. Ever since my mother said she was worried I’d never get a job if I didn’t start looking now I’ve been having mini panic attacks. I’ve begun seriously doubting my self. I’ve been telling myself how inadequate and worthless I am. I’ve been trying to explore these thoughts and feelings instead of pushing them away but it’s painful and hard. Still I move forward despite feelings of sheer terror.

I’ve gone through 4 weeks of HTTS. I’ve gotten my novel notebook which I like much better than a steno pad. I’ve discovered that I can only make lists and outlines in top bound paper pads. I need side bound notebooks for writing anything else. And of course, they must lie flat or they are no good at all. My PACTS sentence for tSLBoM is getting better but it’s still not good enough yet. I took out the names because they are not descriptive. I’ve got Mary as a grandmother but I need a powerful adjective for her which I can’t seem to get. I am handing it over to Fiona to see what she can suggest to Fred.

Fiona is my Muse. Fred is my right brain and Frank is my left brain. I am curious as to why they all have names that begin with “f.” I’m sure that is somehow significant.

My novel notebook is all numbered. I wrote my wants and needs for the project on page one. I’ve got Mary, Vincent van Kingmaker and Aiden each on their own page and I wrote a theme a few pages back. My theme is loosely Want vs. Need.

I picked out a new couch at Jaron’s. QV and I will go look at it on Monday. My 401k account has been closed so we should get that money soon. Then, I’ll be able to get all of our bills caught up, debts paid off, the bedroom finished and maybe truly have a breather.

The Snoogs forgot The MM’s suitcase yesterday. I had to go to Target and buy him some clothes for the weekend. I haven’t shopped for little kids clothes in 25 years. Target had very little for 3 year old boys. What little they did have was mostly shorts. No jeans, only cargo pants. I had to settle for athletic type pants. I did find a Star Wars shirt he really liked and Angry Birds underwear that thrilled him, too. We’ll be meeting O & O and the nephew at the park for a walk since it’s supposed to be another sunny day then go over to O & O’s house where the Snoogs will meet us later and take The MM home. They are going to Florida in a week to help The Pirate’s grandparents with their house and to move into old folks homes.


Saturday, March 09, 2013

Scared Straight

It’s amazing how one short comment from my mother can set off a panic attack where no fear existed before. She asked me yesterday if I had begun looking for a job yet. I reminded her that I was taking the month of March for myself. I would not rush into something I would hate again. Her response, “That’s what worries me. Jobs are hard to come by.” I said, “One month wouldn’t make that much of a difference.” She did not agree. And I immediately got scared that I would not survive if I didn’t run out and get something NOW. My first reaction was to try to stuff it down. Yesterday was the first time I shoved food into my mouth. I decided to look at my fear instead. To talk through it. I was able to stop eating and I felt better. My fear resurfaced at bedtime and I refused to ignore it again and it went away. I did however wake up afraid that my parents were dead. I looked at that too and it went away.

I’m thinking my ability to ignore things and push them away no longer does me any good. I am an adult and I have some power to deal with things. I can turn problems into opportunities as Holly would say, so no more ignoring. All it does is create panic which does nothing good for me.

I went through 3 chapters of How To Think Sideways. I am asking Fiona, my MUSE, to nudge Fred, my right brain, into giving me better name ideas for the demon/god character in The Salt Lover’s Book of Magic (tSLBoM.) He is a primordial god, an early god, so I’m thinking he may have been called Anu at one time. He has lived on throughout the centuries so he’s had many names. What I need is his current name, which needs to sound cool and not hokey, in our current language. I’ve worked out that Vincent’s stories will be told in third person. Mary’s stories will be letters she writes to Vincent. And Anu’s stories will be in first person because he’s a god and thinks himself the center of the universe.

The MM will be here in about an hour and a half. He will stay until tomorrow. We will be going up to my parents because the 1st niece and her son will be there and The MM loves to see his cousin, who is his best friend.

The TV in the livingroom is still not working. We have none of the premium channels which is not good because we don’t have Disney JR. for The MM to watch. I told The Snoogs to send his DVD’s so he can watch Wreck-It Ralph. I will call Comcast again today to see what’s going on with the fix for the DVR box. Stupid new equipment. I’m starting to get pissed off. It’s annoying and of course they will expect us to pay for the full month even though we couldn’t use the box properly.


Friday, March 08, 2013

a Whole Week

I made it through a whole week. A very productive week. I got lots done without too much stress.

I am disappointed that I reached out to her and she ignored my extended hand. I said I hope we can keep in touch at least over FB and I got no response back. So that’s my answer. I am not surprised. I should have known better but I took a shot. I also did a like to DM and was ignored. I need to leave it alone. They’ll all know me when I become a famous author. And then when I ignore them they can call me a snob to the press and then I’ll be able to tell my story. Not bitter much? Maybe a little.

What can I talk about today? I am ready to bang out The Salt Lover’s Book of Magic. I have my notebook and my cards and I’ve got my How To Think Sideways notebook. I even found my backup hard drive. I’ll be able to move over pictures. But that’s a side task that I will do after writing. I have 23 days to finish tSLBoM. That’s 23 full days not to be interrupted by any other things. I should take out the weekends because they will be taken up by The MM. Tomorrow, I’m taking him to O & O. 1st Niece will be there with my nephew. The MM will be thrilled. I won’t tell him until he’s there just in case 1st Niece changes her mind which she does. She wants her wedding to be on a cruise. Perfect, since I don’t like cruises and I have no money for a cruise. Then of course O & O won’t want to go.

The words aren’t coming so easily this morning. I was mad at QV because once again he didn’t come home until 1830. We ate dinner after seven again. He was discussing work with Big R. Yeah. OK. He wasn’t just drinking.

The DVR in the living room is not working. We can’t get any of the premium channels. I called several times to try several things and nothing worked. It’s still not working this morning so I will need to call again.

I slept well again last night. Fell right to sleep and didn’t wake up until 0515 and was wide awake today so I just got up. I had some neat dreams again but I can’t remember the content at all. I lost the subject as soon as I woke up.

I feel like I should go somewhere today just because I haven’t driven anywhere since Sunday but I really don’t feel like it. I plan on going to the library again over the weekend. I was thinking of asking BW if she wants to go to lunch or something later next week. Maybe go to the movies. Once I get my money, I’ll be going to IKEA to get our bedroom furniture. I will be the bedroom done. That’s my major goal besides paying off all of our debt so we don’t get any more calls from those vultures. And no more Credit cards from now on. We don’t need them.


Thursday, March 07, 2013

Breaking Time

I took a break yesterday after I finished reworking all of my blogs and websites. I’ve made them all similar and made the copyright and Find Me spots just one place that all of the blogs and my website link back to so I only ever have to change one place from now on and they will be consistent. After that, I read for a bit. I started drinking margaritas at 1600 so then I didn’t do much of anything at all after that. I went to bed at 1930.

QV wasn’t home yet. He was kidnapped at 1400 by Big R. QV thought he was actually going to do something because Big R said he was on a mission. The only mission he was on was to go to Derby’s (the most diviest dive in town - it’s quite famous around here) and cash his check (old habits die hard for some people) and he was already drunk when he picked QV up.

QV wasn’t going to take his coat but I talked him into taking it just in case and he needed it. He hates it when I’m right. Come to think of it, most people hate it when I am right. Maybe I really need to start not telling people what they should do. I wonder if I can do that?

Look, three paragraphs that didn’t start with “I.”

The Snoogs asked me if I would consider babysitting The MM for two weeks this month while her MIL and FIL go to Florida to take care of her FIL father and his wife who need to go into homes (for some reason want to go into separate homes.) I got mad. I said no. I wanted March, this first month of unemployment, just for what I want to do. She got the message. I actually got quite hysterical but she didn’t hate me.

My emotions are a bit on a roller coaster right now. I am getting a little excited over the smallest things. Yesterday morning, I got out of hand when QV asked how to mail my papers back to TMS. He didn’t know about buying stamps. I got incredulous to the point of near insanity. Very out of proportion to the situation.

Kate Walsh (actress) said on Chelsea Lately it feels a bit like being some sort of weird criminal being out of work all of a sudden after working steady for so many years. That’s kind of how I feel sometimes.

I’m going to write today and fold clothes in the basement. My 401k went up $2,800 since I got fired. That’s a good thing because we’re going to need that money to live on for the next several months. I’ve got to build a steady daily routine for the week days. It’s already 0928 and I haven’t done much of anything except this writing but to be fair, I slept until 0830 (my first time sleeping late) and I shouldn’t - I mean I don’t want - to put so much pressure on myself this month. March is for me.


Wednesday, March 06, 2013

Tumbling in Cars

I got so much done yesterday on my first day of my new life. I’m not going through my whole list of things I got done but it is a long list. I didn’t spend any time sneaking or gorging food. I did take my walk with The Codes. Housework, personal business and writing business. All done yesterday. I did still kind of feel lost at various periods throughout the day but that is to be expected. Today is exactly one week since he did the deed. I think I have been managing pretty well. I think about TMS on occasion. My first instinct is to block all memories and feelings related to him and TMS but then I remind myself it is best to deal with my feelings and thoughts rather than try to block the bad energy. I think this new attitude is healthy.

I was afraid to go to sleep again. I don’t feel exhausted and depressed and browbeaten to tiredness so I think I won’t be able to sleep but as soon as I decided to do it, I fell right to sleep and I slept through from 2200 to 0600 without waking (well, I think I woke once but I didn’t look at the clock. I just rolled over and went back to sleep.)

I dreamed about the Shameless house. I dreamed about refinishing floors and about trying to sweep up the powdery dust but my broom was old and useless. I dreamed my dead aunt Rosa was no longer dead but about 90 years old and she was going back to school to finish her degree. She never went to college in real life but the point of the dream was that she was old and still very excited about her life and she never gives up. There was lots of traveling in cars with lots of people. We were escaping from something or someone, I can’t remember who or what, and the car went so fast it flipped into a farmer’s field and rolled and rolled and rolled. But we were all ok and jumped out, got our things and moved on. That’s when I woke up.

I got all of my papers from TMS for COBRA and my 401k and I already filled them all out and have them in an envelope to send back. I considered putting it off just because I was afraid of them (silly I know) but I did them because I am taking care of my business as if I was taking care of someone else’s business. That change in perspective has helped.

Snow has been predicted for today. None so far. I was looking forward to seeing it when I woke up. The sky does look a bit heavy.

I drank three glasses of Margaritas last night. They tasted so good. I said wake until 2200 (2130 in the livingroom working on my blogs) and yet I did not feel exhausted and worn out. I am already needing less sleep just because I am not depressed all of the time. Not depressed. Not disappointed. Not bored.