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Wednesday, March 06, 2013

Tumbling in Cars

I got so much done yesterday on my first day of my new life. I’m not going through my whole list of things I got done but it is a long list. I didn’t spend any time sneaking or gorging food. I did take my walk with The Codes. Housework, personal business and writing business. All done yesterday. I did still kind of feel lost at various periods throughout the day but that is to be expected. Today is exactly one week since he did the deed. I think I have been managing pretty well. I think about TMS on occasion. My first instinct is to block all memories and feelings related to him and TMS but then I remind myself it is best to deal with my feelings and thoughts rather than try to block the bad energy. I think this new attitude is healthy.

I was afraid to go to sleep again. I don’t feel exhausted and depressed and browbeaten to tiredness so I think I won’t be able to sleep but as soon as I decided to do it, I fell right to sleep and I slept through from 2200 to 0600 without waking (well, I think I woke once but I didn’t look at the clock. I just rolled over and went back to sleep.)

I dreamed about the Shameless house. I dreamed about refinishing floors and about trying to sweep up the powdery dust but my broom was old and useless. I dreamed my dead aunt Rosa was no longer dead but about 90 years old and she was going back to school to finish her degree. She never went to college in real life but the point of the dream was that she was old and still very excited about her life and she never gives up. There was lots of traveling in cars with lots of people. We were escaping from something or someone, I can’t remember who or what, and the car went so fast it flipped into a farmer’s field and rolled and rolled and rolled. But we were all ok and jumped out, got our things and moved on. That’s when I woke up.

I got all of my papers from TMS for COBRA and my 401k and I already filled them all out and have them in an envelope to send back. I considered putting it off just because I was afraid of them (silly I know) but I did them because I am taking care of my business as if I was taking care of someone else’s business. That change in perspective has helped.

Snow has been predicted for today. None so far. I was looking forward to seeing it when I woke up. The sky does look a bit heavy.

I drank three glasses of Margaritas last night. They tasted so good. I said wake until 2200 (2130 in the livingroom working on my blogs) and yet I did not feel exhausted and worn out. I am already needing less sleep just because I am not depressed all of the time. Not depressed. Not disappointed. Not bored.


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