Dreams of Karma

I was afraid to go to sleep last night. The MM was gone from a three day weekend and real life loomed before me in all its fear inducing unknownness. I was afraid to go to sleep because I thought I wouldn’t be able to sleep. That I would lie awake and brood on my lack of employment; on the way things went down; on how I could have done things differently.

I decided yesterday, again, that I would not run away from my feelings and thoughts. Instead of trying to ignore how I felt and think of other things, I decided I would investigate how I felt and the thoughts I was having. So at 2130, I laid my head down, closed my eyes and gave it a shot. I put the TV on dull light and on the timer. I fell asleep quickly. I did wake up at 0230, like I used to do always in the past, but I think maybe something happens at that time, some noise or something, that wakes me up at that time. I was able to go right back to sleep.

I dreamed of getting fired last night. I was accused of attempting to mess things up on the computers I left behind. But instead, things went very wrong just because I was no longer there. In an attempt to pay me back for this, he tried to set me up by planting something he owns in the box of things I was taking with me. But I had my cardboard box rigged with that paint they put in money at banks when banks are robbed. When he called the police to accuse me, I turned on my light and it showed footprints leading back to him and his fingerprints on the “stolen” item and on top of that it showed where he stole a necklace from me and had it in his glowing pocket. He was arrested and his mug shot was shown on TV with the caption “Not only did he fire her after 16 years of dedicated service for no good reason, but he tried to frame her for theft and he stole a piece of costume jewelry selling for $3.99 at a discount store.” Karma took care of my revenge.

My brain was telling me it would be ok. I just need to move forward with my own agenda and let the rest of the world take care of itself.

Today is the first day of my new job: writing fiction. Today will be an organizing day. A day to figure out my new routine. I must treat my work hours at home as I would have done at TMS. I was able to get lots done there by being very organized. That’s what I want to do here. Treat my life like I was running someone else’s business. If I can do that then I will be good.

I am happy that so far I am not depressed. I feel hopeful even though at some points during the day I feel a little like a rudderless boat.

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