Scared Straight

It’s amazing how one short comment from my mother can set off a panic attack where no fear existed before. She asked me yesterday if I had begun looking for a job yet. I reminded her that I was taking the month of March for myself. I would not rush into something I would hate again. Her response, “That’s what worries me. Jobs are hard to come by.” I said, “One month wouldn’t make that much of a difference.” She did not agree. And I immediately got scared that I would not survive if I didn’t run out and get something NOW. My first reaction was to try to stuff it down. Yesterday was the first time I shoved food into my mouth. I decided to look at my fear instead. To talk through it. I was able to stop eating and I felt better. My fear resurfaced at bedtime and I refused to ignore it again and it went away. I did however wake up afraid that my parents were dead. I looked at that too and it went away.

I’m thinking my ability to ignore things and push them away no longer does me any good. I am an adult and I have some power to deal with things. I can turn problems into opportunities as Holly would say, so no more ignoring. All it does is create panic which does nothing good for me.

I went through 3 chapters of How To Think Sideways. I am asking Fiona, my MUSE, to nudge Fred, my right brain, into giving me better name ideas for the demon/god character in The Salt Lover’s Book of Magic (tSLBoM.) He is a primordial god, an early god, so I’m thinking he may have been called Anu at one time. He has lived on throughout the centuries so he’s had many names. What I need is his current name, which needs to sound cool and not hokey, in our current language. I’ve worked out that Vincent’s stories will be told in third person. Mary’s stories will be letters she writes to Vincent. And Anu’s stories will be in first person because he’s a god and thinks himself the center of the universe.

The MM will be here in about an hour and a half. He will stay until tomorrow. We will be going up to my parents because the 1st niece and her son will be there and The MM loves to see his cousin, who is his best friend.

The TV in the livingroom is still not working. We have none of the premium channels which is not good because we don’t have Disney JR. for The MM to watch. I told The Snoogs to send his DVD’s so he can watch Wreck-It Ralph. I will call Comcast again today to see what’s going on with the fix for the DVR box. Stupid new equipment. I’m starting to get pissed off. It’s annoying and of course they will expect us to pay for the full month even though we couldn’t use the box properly.

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