Scared Straight

It’s amazing how one short comment from my mother can set off a panic attack where no fear existed before. She asked me yesterday if I had begun looking for a job yet. I reminded her that I was taking the month of March for myself. I would not rush into something I would hate again. Her response, “That’s what worries me. Jobs are hard to come by.” I said, “One month wouldn’t make that much of a difference.” She did not agree. And I immediately got scared that I would not survive if I didn’t run out and get something NOW. My first reaction was to try to stuff it down. Yesterday was the first time I shoved food into my mouth. I decided to look at my fear instead. To talk through it. I was able to stop eating and I felt better. My fear resurfaced at bedtime and I refused to ignore it again and it went away. I did however wake up afraid that my parents were dead. I looked at that too and it went away.

I’m thinking my ability to ignore things and push them away no longer does me any good. I am an adult and I have some power to deal with things. I can turn problems into opportunities as Holly would say, so no more ignoring. All it does is create panic which does nothing good for me.

I went through 3 chapters of How To Think Sideways. I am asking Fiona, my MUSE, to nudge Fred, my right brain, into giving me better name ideas for the demon/god character in The Salt Lover’s Book of Magic (tSLBoM.) He is a primordial god, an early god, so I’m thinking he may have been called Anu at one time. He has lived on throughout the centuries so he’s had many names. What I need is his current name, which needs to sound cool and not hokey, in our current language. I’ve worked out that Vincent’s stories will be told in third person. Mary’s stories will be letters she writes to Vincent. And Anu’s stories will be in first person because he’s a god and thinks himself the center of the universe.

The MM will be here in about an hour and a half. He will stay until tomorrow. We will be going up to my parents because the 1st niece and her son will be there and The MM loves to see his cousin, who is his best friend.

The TV in the livingroom is still not working. We have none of the premium channels which is not good because we don’t have Disney JR. for The MM to watch. I told The Snoogs to send his DVD’s so he can watch Wreck-It Ralph. I will call Comcast again today to see what’s going on with the fix for the DVR box. Stupid new equipment. I’m starting to get pissed off. It’s annoying and of course they will expect us to pay for the full month even though we couldn’t use the box properly.

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a Whole Week

I made it through a whole week. A very productive week. I got lots done without too much stress.

I am disappointed that I reached out to her and she ignored my extended hand. I said I hope we can keep in touch at least over FB and I got no response back. So that’s my answer. I am not surprised. I should have known better but I took a shot. I also did a like to DM and was ignored. I need to leave it alone. They’ll all know me when I become a famous author. And then when I ignore them they can call me a snob to the press and then I’ll be able to tell my story. Not bitter much? Maybe a little.

What can I talk about today? I am ready to bang out The Salt Lover’s Book of Magic. I have my notebook and my cards and I’ve got my How To Think Sideways notebook. I even found my backup hard drive. I’ll be able to move over pictures. But that’s a side task that I will do after writing. I have 23 days to finish tSLBoM. That’s 23 full days not to be interrupted by any other things. I should take out the weekends because they will be taken up by The MM. Tomorrow, I’m taking him to O & O. 1st Niece will be there with my nephew. The MM will be thrilled. I won’t tell him until he’s there just in case 1st Niece changes her mind which she does. She wants her wedding to be on a cruise. Perfect, since I don’t like cruises and I have no money for a cruise. Then of course O & O won’t want to go.

The words aren’t coming so easily this morning. I was mad at QV because once again he didn’t come home until 1830. We ate dinner after seven again. He was discussing work with Big R. Yeah. OK. He wasn’t just drinking.

The DVR in the living room is not working. We can’t get any of the premium channels. I called several times to try several things and nothing worked. It’s still not working this morning so I will need to call again.

I slept well again last night. Fell right to sleep and didn’t wake up until 0515 and was wide awake today so I just got up. I had some neat dreams again but I can’t remember the content at all. I lost the subject as soon as I woke up.

I feel like I should go somewhere today just because I haven’t driven anywhere since Sunday but I really don’t feel like it. I plan on going to the library again over the weekend. I was thinking of asking BW if she wants to go to lunch or something later next week. Maybe go to the movies. Once I get my money, I’ll be going to IKEA to get our bedroom furniture. I will be the bedroom done. That’s my major goal besides paying off all of our debt so we don’t get any more calls from those vultures. And no more Credit cards from now on. We don’t need them.

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There Will Be Blood

I am groggy. I woke up at 2330 needing to pee. I drank two glasses of wine to calm down from my phone call with DirecTV over returning the boxes to them. I only received one box with a return sticker listing the DVR and the RV box that my brother said he bought from Best Buy and owned. So I get on the phone and am frustrated because I can’t get a live person since the computer was confused because it no longer thought I had service which I don’t so it couldn’t find my account even though I could find my account online and it threw me into a perpetual loop. So I pressed zero repeatedly, over and over again until it threw me into the live person queue. So the first person had difficulty setting up the return. She had to code the system three times before it accepted the returns then all of a sudden she got a message that they don’t want the small boxes back. Just the cards inside. Once we had that straightened out I tried to convince her that I owned the RV box. She said it showed it was leased. I insisted it was purchased. She switched me to another rep who said the box was definitely leased. I argued a little more and then gave up and said I would look for my paperwork for when it was bought. She said Best Buy never sold boxes, only leased them. I called my brother and told him. He said the box he had was definitely the one listed on my account, the serial numbers matched. So I asked if he had any paperwork on it because they said it was leased and not bought. And he said maybe. He couldn’t remember and I could have the box to return it. Arg! A two glass of wine situation. QV is going over to my brother’s house today to get the box and send it back to DirecTV.

I couldn’t fall back asleep. I got up, took two Melatonin to help me relax, downloaded Pride and Prejudice from Audible into my iPod, took two TUMS and went back to bed. I fell asleep around 0130. The book did help distract me but the dreams I had after were wild. Filled with crowds. A church service. I had my period throughout the dream but no tampon or pad. At one point, I was hiding in a closet. Packing for some sort of trip with large crates yet unable to find the second in a pair of shoes that I had to have for the trip. Unable to keep my suitcase closed. My belongings falling out and getting lost and me missing my ride. And people everywhere. I couldn’t get away from the people getting in the middle of my business. I was shocked when the alarm went off at 0530.

My full bladder made me get up. I debated going back to bed and stayed up. The heater did not come on only the blower so cold air was coming out again. I feel like a poor writer living in a cold ghetto apartment writing with a blanket wrapped around my shoulders because I can’t afford coal for my heater. I turned the thermostat down so it could reset and now it’s back to blowing hot air.

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