Words are eluding me this morning. I woke at 0400 (the old time) with a full bladder and the MM laying on top of my head and nudging me out of bed. I couldn’t get back to sleep even after I moved him over for more room. Ever since my mother said she was worried I’d never get a job if I didn’t start looking now I’ve been having mini panic attacks. I’ve begun seriously doubting my self. I’ve been telling myself how inadequate and worthless I am. I’ve been trying to explore these thoughts and feelings instead of pushing them away but it’s painful and hard. Still I move forward despite feelings of sheer terror.
I’ve gone through 4 weeks of HTTS. I’ve gotten my novel notebook which I like much better than a steno pad. I’ve discovered that I can only make lists and outlines in top bound paper pads. I need side bound notebooks for writing anything else. And of course, they must lie flat or they are no good at all. My PACTS sentence for tSLBoM is getting better but it’s still not good enough yet. I took out the names because they are not descriptive. I’ve got Mary as a grandmother but I need a powerful adjective for her which I can’t seem to get. I am handing it over to Fiona to see what she can suggest to Fred.
Fiona is my Muse. Fred is my right brain and Frank is my left brain. I am curious as to why they all have names that begin with “f.” I’m sure that is somehow significant.
My novel notebook is all numbered. I wrote my wants and needs for the project on page one. I’ve got Mary, Vincent van Kingmaker and Aiden each on their own page and I wrote a theme a few pages back. My theme is loosely Want vs. Need.
I picked out a new couch at Jaron’s. QV and I will go look at it on Monday. My 401k account has been closed so we should get that money soon. Then, I’ll be able to get all of our bills caught up, debts paid off, the bedroom finished and maybe truly have a breather.
The Snoogs forgot The MM’s suitcase yesterday. I had to go to Target and buy him some clothes for the weekend. I haven’t shopped for little kids clothes in 25 years. Target had very little for 3 year old boys. What little they did have was mostly shorts. No jeans, only cargo pants. I had to settle for athletic type pants. I did find a Star Wars shirt he really liked and Angry Birds underwear that thrilled him, too. We’ll be meeting O & O and the nephew at the park for a walk since it’s supposed to be another sunny day then go over to O & O’s house where the Snoogs will meet us later and take The MM home. They are going to Florida in a week to help The Pirate’s grandparents with their house and to move into old folks homes.
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Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Saturday, March 09, 2013
Scared Straight
It’s amazing how one short comment from my mother can set off a panic attack where no fear existed before. She asked me yesterday if I had begun looking for a job yet. I reminded her that I was taking the month of March for myself. I would not rush into something I would hate again. Her response, “That’s what worries me. Jobs are hard to come by.” I said, “One month wouldn’t make that much of a difference.” She did not agree. And I immediately got scared that I would not survive if I didn’t run out and get something NOW. My first reaction was to try to stuff it down. Yesterday was the first time I shoved food into my mouth. I decided to look at my fear instead. To talk through it. I was able to stop eating and I felt better. My fear resurfaced at bedtime and I refused to ignore it again and it went away. I did however wake up afraid that my parents were dead. I looked at that too and it went away.
I’m thinking my ability to ignore things and push them away no longer does me any good. I am an adult and I have some power to deal with things. I can turn problems into opportunities as Holly would say, so no more ignoring. All it does is create panic which does nothing good for me.
I went through 3 chapters of How To Think Sideways. I am asking Fiona, my MUSE, to nudge Fred, my right brain, into giving me better name ideas for the demon/god character in The Salt Lover’s Book of Magic (tSLBoM.) He is a primordial god, an early god, so I’m thinking he may have been called Anu at one time. He has lived on throughout the centuries so he’s had many names. What I need is his current name, which needs to sound cool and not hokey, in our current language. I’ve worked out that Vincent’s stories will be told in third person. Mary’s stories will be letters she writes to Vincent. And Anu’s stories will be in first person because he’s a god and thinks himself the center of the universe.
The MM will be here in about an hour and a half. He will stay until tomorrow. We will be going up to my parents because the 1st niece and her son will be there and The MM loves to see his cousin, who is his best friend.
The TV in the livingroom is still not working. We have none of the premium channels which is not good because we don’t have Disney JR. for The MM to watch. I told The Snoogs to send his DVD’s so he can watch Wreck-It Ralph. I will call Comcast again today to see what’s going on with the fix for the DVR box. Stupid new equipment. I’m starting to get pissed off. It’s annoying and of course they will expect us to pay for the full month even though we couldn’t use the box properly.
513
I’m thinking my ability to ignore things and push them away no longer does me any good. I am an adult and I have some power to deal with things. I can turn problems into opportunities as Holly would say, so no more ignoring. All it does is create panic which does nothing good for me.
I went through 3 chapters of How To Think Sideways. I am asking Fiona, my MUSE, to nudge Fred, my right brain, into giving me better name ideas for the demon/god character in The Salt Lover’s Book of Magic (tSLBoM.) He is a primordial god, an early god, so I’m thinking he may have been called Anu at one time. He has lived on throughout the centuries so he’s had many names. What I need is his current name, which needs to sound cool and not hokey, in our current language. I’ve worked out that Vincent’s stories will be told in third person. Mary’s stories will be letters she writes to Vincent. And Anu’s stories will be in first person because he’s a god and thinks himself the center of the universe.
The MM will be here in about an hour and a half. He will stay until tomorrow. We will be going up to my parents because the 1st niece and her son will be there and The MM loves to see his cousin, who is his best friend.
The TV in the livingroom is still not working. We have none of the premium channels which is not good because we don’t have Disney JR. for The MM to watch. I told The Snoogs to send his DVD’s so he can watch Wreck-It Ralph. I will call Comcast again today to see what’s going on with the fix for the DVR box. Stupid new equipment. I’m starting to get pissed off. It’s annoying and of course they will expect us to pay for the full month even though we couldn’t use the box properly.
513
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Fuck Me
Fuck me. That’s been my mantra since yesterday. Fuck me. I feel funny physically. Part of it is from my nose being cleared up. I haven’t eaten much. No appetite. I slept like crap. My body was still but my mind never shut off. I am trying to stay busy today so I don’t take a nap and mess up my sleep tonight.
I told The Snoogs. She was very supportive. Telling me what a fool he is. And that things won’t last long without me. I cried.
I texted my brother. He is going to call later. My parents haven’t been home all morning so I haven’t been able to get that out of the way. I filed for unemployment but we won’t be able to live on that and QV’s so I will have to cash out my 401k unless QV goes back to work in March like R says he will. I sent him and her an email to get my COBRA papers, 401k papers and my letter of recommendation. For 16 years of dedication, I get nothing but 2 days day. Nice, huh? He beat me out of 5 weeks of vacation. Again, I am not surprised. And he had the balls to get all teary eyed. It was hard for him.
I got dressed. Brushed my teeth. Brushed my hair. Emptied the dishwasher. Filled the dishwasher. Cleaned my Brita water jug and put in a new filter. Found my resume. Washed a load of laundry. I’m going to finish writing my 500 words here. Then, I will begin a list of all the things I want to do. I should take The Codes for a walk up and down the street before I do my list. I want to walk each day. It will be good for my brain and my body. I will cancel my gym subscription. I won’t need it and I need to save money.
I just got off the phone with my brother and then my parents. Got a text from my SIL. Everyone is very supportive. We are all agreed that this will be the best thing for me. I can’t stop crying. I just said to QV that I’ve cried more today than in the last 20 years we’ve been together. Everyone agrees that he’s the bad guy. My brother offered his recruiters at his workplace. That was really sweet but he’s all the way down the shore.
I watched all of my recorded comedies and two movies - Serenity and The Eagle. My stomach is grumbling a bit. I took a deep breath. I think I was dreading telling my family and now that that is all out of the way, I feel better. The back of my throat feels raw from post nasal drip. But I can breath again, in more ways than one. I can breath. I just realized I have no headache. I’ve had a headache every day when I worked. Now, my head is clear and I can breath again.
506
I told The Snoogs. She was very supportive. Telling me what a fool he is. And that things won’t last long without me. I cried.
I texted my brother. He is going to call later. My parents haven’t been home all morning so I haven’t been able to get that out of the way. I filed for unemployment but we won’t be able to live on that and QV’s so I will have to cash out my 401k unless QV goes back to work in March like R says he will. I sent him and her an email to get my COBRA papers, 401k papers and my letter of recommendation. For 16 years of dedication, I get nothing but 2 days day. Nice, huh? He beat me out of 5 weeks of vacation. Again, I am not surprised. And he had the balls to get all teary eyed. It was hard for him.
I got dressed. Brushed my teeth. Brushed my hair. Emptied the dishwasher. Filled the dishwasher. Cleaned my Brita water jug and put in a new filter. Found my resume. Washed a load of laundry. I’m going to finish writing my 500 words here. Then, I will begin a list of all the things I want to do. I should take The Codes for a walk up and down the street before I do my list. I want to walk each day. It will be good for my brain and my body. I will cancel my gym subscription. I won’t need it and I need to save money.
I just got off the phone with my brother and then my parents. Got a text from my SIL. Everyone is very supportive. We are all agreed that this will be the best thing for me. I can’t stop crying. I just said to QV that I’ve cried more today than in the last 20 years we’ve been together. Everyone agrees that he’s the bad guy. My brother offered his recruiters at his workplace. That was really sweet but he’s all the way down the shore.
I watched all of my recorded comedies and two movies - Serenity and The Eagle. My stomach is grumbling a bit. I took a deep breath. I think I was dreading telling my family and now that that is all out of the way, I feel better. The back of my throat feels raw from post nasal drip. But I can breath again, in more ways than one. I can breath. I just realized I have no headache. I’ve had a headache every day when I worked. Now, my head is clear and I can breath again.
506
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
20130212 - morning
1249 - I woke up at 2355 with a full bladder. Tried to go back to sleep and as you can see it hasn't happened. I began thinking about all of my bills and my lack of money to pay them. The Codes has to go back to the Vet today because he's itching again. So here I am writing my first 500 words of the day trying to get out the poison so maybe I can sleep. I took another 10 mg of Meletonin to see if that will help make me sleepy.
I have a vague pain in the left side near my ribs. I keep having thinking I am going to have a heart attack with every little twinge I feel. I used to be fearless as a child and that’s the thing I most miss as I grow older. All of these fears are killing me. They are making me so unhappy. I can’t sleep because f them so I have no energy during the day to do anything or to focus. But all of these things are excuses. I know, I KNOW, that if I do things, I will feel better less afraid. So why can’t I get myself to do them. I feel like I am stuck in mud.
I am watching Game of Thrones as I write this. The letter “o” still sticks on my keyboard. I have to strike it extra hard to get it to come up. Game of Thrones reminds me that I don’t have enough action, enough drama, enough tension, in my writing. I need to make each paragraph, each scene a mini story with things going on. I can use the PACTS sentence to get each mini story done.
I got a letter from the lawyers who didn’t like my response to the courts. They want to talk to me to negotiate a settlement so I guess I have to talk to them. That’s one thing keeping me awake. I don’t want to talk to any of them. Then there was the letter from Merrick with $140.00 in late fees which they say makes me seriously delinquent in my payments. Getting the Xfinity for $100.00 less a month is a step in the right direction, now I need to do more. The problem is I hate all of this money stuff and I resent having to do it which is a character flaw that is causing me serious harm because it’s not like I can’t do it. I just don’t want to.
I have to learn some discipline even if it comes so late in life. I have been spoiled so long that I am hurting myself. I guess this is what comes from being left on my own so much when I was child. I was only ever made to do things I didn’t like so now I can’t do things I don’t like even if I means I am harming myself. One would think self preservation would kick in at some point so I could save myself.
Well, these words at this time of night are a step in the right direction. I didn’t write my first 500 for the last three days, with the excuse that I woke up too late and I forgot but we all know that’s bullshit. So, let’s rededicate myself to this: the first thing I will do each day is write 500 words, each day, every day, no matter when I rise, no matter what else will happen. I will get up with enough time to get this, if nothing else, done each day.
The Game of Thrones sure is a pessimistic story. Everyone breaks his oaths, everyone dies or loses loved ones and of course most of this is true to life which is what’s depressing. There’s so little happiness. But lots of struggles.
I need to put real magic and mystery in the first paragraph of my book. How do I do that in first person? Vincent van Kingmaker has a shadow with him speaking in his ear.
0125 - Off to bed.
685
I have a vague pain in the left side near my ribs. I keep having thinking I am going to have a heart attack with every little twinge I feel. I used to be fearless as a child and that’s the thing I most miss as I grow older. All of these fears are killing me. They are making me so unhappy. I can’t sleep because f them so I have no energy during the day to do anything or to focus. But all of these things are excuses. I know, I KNOW, that if I do things, I will feel better less afraid. So why can’t I get myself to do them. I feel like I am stuck in mud.
I am watching Game of Thrones as I write this. The letter “o” still sticks on my keyboard. I have to strike it extra hard to get it to come up. Game of Thrones reminds me that I don’t have enough action, enough drama, enough tension, in my writing. I need to make each paragraph, each scene a mini story with things going on. I can use the PACTS sentence to get each mini story done.
I got a letter from the lawyers who didn’t like my response to the courts. They want to talk to me to negotiate a settlement so I guess I have to talk to them. That’s one thing keeping me awake. I don’t want to talk to any of them. Then there was the letter from Merrick with $140.00 in late fees which they say makes me seriously delinquent in my payments. Getting the Xfinity for $100.00 less a month is a step in the right direction, now I need to do more. The problem is I hate all of this money stuff and I resent having to do it which is a character flaw that is causing me serious harm because it’s not like I can’t do it. I just don’t want to.
I have to learn some discipline even if it comes so late in life. I have been spoiled so long that I am hurting myself. I guess this is what comes from being left on my own so much when I was child. I was only ever made to do things I didn’t like so now I can’t do things I don’t like even if I means I am harming myself. One would think self preservation would kick in at some point so I could save myself.
Well, these words at this time of night are a step in the right direction. I didn’t write my first 500 for the last three days, with the excuse that I woke up too late and I forgot but we all know that’s bullshit. So, let’s rededicate myself to this: the first thing I will do each day is write 500 words, each day, every day, no matter when I rise, no matter what else will happen. I will get up with enough time to get this, if nothing else, done each day.
The Game of Thrones sure is a pessimistic story. Everyone breaks his oaths, everyone dies or loses loved ones and of course most of this is true to life which is what’s depressing. There’s so little happiness. But lots of struggles.
I need to put real magic and mystery in the first paragraph of my book. How do I do that in first person? Vincent van Kingmaker has a shadow with him speaking in his ear.
0125 - Off to bed.
685
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