I have a vague pain in the left side near my ribs. I keep having thinking I am going to have a heart attack with every little twinge I feel. I used to be fearless as a child and that’s the thing I most miss as I grow older. All of these fears are killing me. They are making me so unhappy. I can’t sleep because f them so I have no energy during the day to do anything or to focus. But all of these things are excuses. I know, I KNOW, that if I do things, I will feel better less afraid. So why can’t I get myself to do them. I feel like I am stuck in mud.
I am watching Game of Thrones as I write this. The letter “o” still sticks on my keyboard. I have to strike it extra hard to get it to come up. Game of Thrones reminds me that I don’t have enough action, enough drama, enough tension, in my writing. I need to make each paragraph, each scene a mini story with things going on. I can use the PACTS sentence to get each mini story done.
I got a letter from the lawyers who didn’t like my response to the courts. They want to talk to me to negotiate a settlement so I guess I have to talk to them. That’s one thing keeping me awake. I don’t want to talk to any of them. Then there was the letter from Merrick with $140.00 in late fees which they say makes me seriously delinquent in my payments. Getting the Xfinity for $100.00 less a month is a step in the right direction, now I need to do more. The problem is I hate all of this money stuff and I resent having to do it which is a character flaw that is causing me serious harm because it’s not like I can’t do it. I just don’t want to.
I have to learn some discipline even if it comes so late in life. I have been spoiled so long that I am hurting myself. I guess this is what comes from being left on my own so much when I was child. I was only ever made to do things I didn’t like so now I can’t do things I don’t like even if I means I am harming myself. One would think self preservation would kick in at some point so I could save myself.
Well, these words at this time of night are a step in the right direction. I didn’t write my first 500 for the last three days, with the excuse that I woke up too late and I forgot but we all know that’s bullshit. So, let’s rededicate myself to this: the first thing I will do each day is write 500 words, each day, every day, no matter when I rise, no matter what else will happen. I will get up with enough time to get this, if nothing else, done each day.
The Game of Thrones sure is a pessimistic story. Everyone breaks his oaths, everyone dies or loses loved ones and of course most of this is true to life which is what’s depressing. There’s so little happiness. But lots of struggles.
I need to put real magic and mystery in the first paragraph of my book. How do I do that in first person? Vincent van Kingmaker has a shadow with him speaking in his ear.
0125 - Off to bed.
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