Fuck Me

Fuck me. That’s been my mantra since yesterday. Fuck me. I feel funny physically. Part of it is from my nose being cleared up. I haven’t eaten much. No appetite. I slept like crap. My body was still but my mind never shut off. I am trying to stay busy today so I don’t take a nap and mess up my sleep tonight.

I told The Snoogs. She was very supportive. Telling me what a fool he is. And that things won’t last long without me. I cried.

I texted my brother. He is going to call later. My parents haven’t been home all morning so I haven’t been able to get that out of the way. I filed for unemployment but we won’t be able to live on that and QV’s so I will have to cash out my 401k unless QV goes back to work in March like R says he will. I sent him and her an email to get my COBRA papers, 401k papers and my letter of recommendation. For 16 years of dedication, I get nothing but 2 days day. Nice, huh? He beat me out of 5 weeks of vacation. Again, I am not surprised. And he had the balls to get all teary eyed. It was hard for him.

I got dressed. Brushed my teeth. Brushed my hair. Emptied the dishwasher. Filled the dishwasher. Cleaned my Brita water jug and put in a new filter. Found my resume. Washed a load of laundry. I’m going to finish writing my 500 words here. Then, I will begin a list of all the things I want to do. I should take The Codes for a walk up and down the street before I do my list. I want to walk each day. It will be good for my brain and my body. I will cancel my gym subscription. I won’t need it and I need to save money.

I just got off the phone with my brother and then my parents. Got a text from my SIL. Everyone is very supportive. We are all agreed that this will be the best thing for me. I can’t stop crying. I just said to QV that I’ve cried more today than in the last 20 years we’ve been together. Everyone agrees that he’s the bad guy. My brother offered his recruiters at his workplace. That was really sweet but he’s all the way down the shore.

I watched all of my recorded comedies and two movies - Serenity and The Eagle. My stomach is grumbling a bit. I took a deep breath. I think I was dreading telling my family and now that that is all out of the way, I feel better. The back of my throat feels raw from post nasal drip. But I can breath again, in more ways than one. I can breath. I just realized I have no headache. I’ve had a headache every day when I worked. Now, my head is clear and I can breath again.

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