*Warning - Excuses Forth Coming*
I haven’t written in over a week because my head has been so stuffed with mucus I could barely hold it up right. I hate having a stuffed head and it makes me miserable. I also don’t care whether the world comes to an end around me. Can’t hear. Can’t see. Can’t taste. Can’t think. Don’t give a shit about nothing.
***
Talk about being dizzy. I was fired today. It was called a lay-off, but fired is fired. After 16 years. Loyalty doesn’t buy you much folks. I should have jumped ship last year. But what can you do? Done is done. Not surprised. I was the most expensive person and he didn’t really know what I did since I just did it but he’ll find out soon enough. Disappointed and hurt that once again the wrong choice was made. A loose band-aid for a fatal, gushing wound.
It’s 2239 in military time. He had me make a chart for military time as if that will prevent the mistakes that happen. I can’t sleep. I’m still in shock. I can be shocked even though I am not surprised. I was going to drink a lot but that would only make me sick. I’ve already thought of all of the things I’ll be able to do. This is really a good thing for me because I never would have left if he didn’t fire me. And I basically got what I wanted. Be careful what you wish for, right?
Write, write, write. Now, there will be no excuses for me finishing a book.
Paint.
Clean up my basement.
Clean up my office/studio.
Walk, exercise.
God, I haven’t been without a job for 26 years. No wonder I am having a bit of a panic attack. I took a couple of Valerian Root to help me relax.
I will need to explore the 5 stages of grief over the next several days. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.
Denial - I guess I’m supposed to stop telling myself “I’ll be fine.” I feel devastated. I dread telling people. I feel like a failure. I wonder if there was anything I could do to prevent it from happening.
I am crying now. I want him to burn in hell. I think I just moved into Anger. God, I hate him for doing this. I want the business to completely fall apart now that I won’t be there so that everyone will think, “See, she kept that place going and made a difference.” I feel betrayed. So, I guess I’ll be in these two stages for a day or two and get it out of my system. At least I’ve got money in my 401k that I can use as a cushion.
I want to go throw eggs at his car.
Oh, well. It is what it is. I just need a way to get myself to go to sleep. I am tired but wired.
Tomorrow, I must do the following:
File Unemployment
Call The Snoogs, O & O and my brother.
Send an email to him and her for Cobra, 401k disbursement and a letter of recommendation.
Begin changing passwords.
Write.
Walk.
Wallow.
Not that last one. I’ll change that to taking pictures.
I’ll need to be active to wear myself out so I’ll be able to sleep.
I should have left a year ago.
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