1121 I’m writing late today. I’ve decided to take it easy on Mondays and do my schedule/list in whatever order strikes my fancy.
I slept late today (0715.) I slept all night long. I had some cool dreams. I barely remember most of them. Something about my mother getting diabetes (she talked about this several times yesterday so not very revealing except about my inability not to obsess over things she says.) As I lay in bed last night, I thought about how bad i always feel when I spend any amount of time in her presence. I can never speak the truth of what I feel or think because she then goes off in very inappropriate tangents or tells me I’m wrong/bad/crazy. I feel like I am walking through a minefield. I get all itchy and vibraty feeling. And it lasts for days afterwards. This makes me so sad, I could cry whenever I think of her. When I compare the relationship I have with her and the relationship my daughter and I have together. My daughter, The Snoogs, and I are best friends as well as mother/daughter. The relationship I have with my mother is defined by fear on my part. She mostly doesn’t like much about me. There’s duty. Maybe some sort of love she feels she must have for me. When she hugs me and kisses me it feels like I’m up against a dead, floppy fish and this pains me in my soul. I am on the verge of tears right now.
Boy that was a tangent. This looking at my feelings is time consuming and upsetting. No wonder I never did it before. :)
So in my dreams last night I fought off bullies. I was in college. (I’m jumping around here.) I lived in a camper with a male roommate who was very hot and fun and funny. I went out to a lot of clubs with girlfriends. I loved my roommate but it was unrequited until the very end when I was going to leave our living arrangements because I needed to move on and staying with our relationship the way it was hurt me. So I was leaving and then he realized he couldn’t live without me. I went to some sort of stage show. I was the only white person in the audience. The show was shut down less than half way through the program - I don’t remember why. I rioted. No one else did. They just left. Some football players were picking on another student. I lept over a railing and beat the quarterback back and yelled at him. We were all at a NASCAR race but it was at a school. So I brught the bullied student up in the stands with my friends and it turned out he had a bomb and guns and he was going to kill everyone and I couldn’t talk him out of it so I had to turn him into the police (he wouldn’t give up his tool kit) so they could deactivate the bomb.