Fudging

I was going to not post last night's events but then I wouldn't be truthful and what would be the point of that. If I lied right at the beginning, there'd be no point in continuing.

So, dinner was good. We had raviollis and a salad. But I had been fantasing about bread since before I got home and the craving never went away. I was disappointed that we didn't have garlic bread with dinner, but I tried to push those thoughts and feelings away. Didn't work. Carbs really are a drug. I tried to ignore the urges. I distracted myself with reading blogs and TV. Then my husband went to sleep and the kitchen began calling my name.

I have the kitchen fairly well cleaned out of junk food, but when the insanity strikes almost anything will do as long as the chemical balance is right. So, I took a cup of instant pancake mix, half a cup of sugar, mixed with a little water and 2 tablespoons of melted butter. I ate all of this and felt myself calm down and get sleepy.

Once I was relaxed, I was very disappointed in myself. And normally I would wallow in the guilt and call myself names. But I beat those thoughts down. What I need is a plan. How can I deal with this intense complusion? What can replace this strong urge for physical calm? I must think on this today. My workday has a plan (which I'll post later) and that part is working well. I just need an emergency plan. If you have any ideas, let me know.

Eating Cows

I'm starving. I could eat a cow. I'm grinding my teeth and sucking my cheeks. I want a roll with butter and grape jelly. I'm wiggling my right foot. I want salt, sugar and fat. What would be really good right now would be some vanilla ice cream with carmel sauce, salted cashews and scooped up with waffle cookies. Some rice crispys with whole milk and lots of sugar for seconds. Potato chips and french onion dip would be good for thirds.

I have PMS this week, so self control will be in short supply and obsessive thoughts will attack me about every two seconds.

I didn't gain any weight over the weekend, which is a win since I had a graduation party Friday night and another one Saturday afternoon.

The party Friday night was at a pool/picnic area. The chairs were those cheap plastic stackable resin chairs. Guess who got one that was cracked. Guess who collasped on her ass. Want to take bets as to what everyone was thinking? But my friends were very nice and they recognized that the chair was broken already. But I think if I was a normal size, it may not have split in two.

Chairs are one of the reasons why I want to lose weight. My fat ass will not fit into chairs that have arms on them. If I want to fly anywhere, which I do want to do sometime soon, I must lose weight because airplane seats are just not comfortable and I don't want to have to ask for a seatbelt extension.

Guess what, I'm not so hungry any more and food is on its way as my husband is cooking dinner right now. Yes, I know, isn't he wonderful? But don't tell him. He's already got an ego the size of China.

Introduction

This is going to be my weight loss journal. I hope I can learn something.

I need some sort of accountability. I have no time for meetings or trips to doctors' offices for weigh-ins. I think I've tried every form of weight loss program there is available, short of surgery. I've researched and studied. What I really need is someone to watch me.

So, tag you’re it.