09.14 – I spent all morning at home reading blogs. I did make my lunch, QV’s lunch and Snoogs lunch. I also took a shower, but other than that, just blogs. Then the Codes wouldn’t come in the house. I was 15 minutes late for work. I’ve spent the last hour cleaning up piddly shit (going over, again, who owes logs, the two w/c insurance audit credits and when we will get them, adding a truck to our ezpass account, clearing up and answering emails and discussing our lack of cash flow.) Now I am going to do the things on MY TODO list.

09.24 – I want about 15 pb&j sandwiches (I have one for lunch.) I have wanted them since last night. Both QV and Snoogs prevented me having them by catching me at it and stopping me (thank you them even though I hate them for it.) Why do I want why do I want the extra food? Because I am disappointed in myself for not taking care of my financial homework and for not doing my filing. That’s why and I still don’t wanna.

10.29 – I just caved and ate my pb&j sandwich because my boss is an asshole. I remind him of something he needs to do because time is running out on the deadline and he asks for an impromptu dissertation on the subject and he’s not even listening. He is so passive/aggressive and it really pisses me the hell off. Fucker.

11.07 I could kill for a side of beef right now I am so obsessively upset over this stupid thing. Why can’t I let it go? Because he purposely tried to place me at a disadvantage and he tried to make me feel inadequate, which is how I feel but I’m not and he though I defended myself I still feel inadequate and I am angry. Look an actual feeling word. Here are some more feeling words: Fucker, Fucker, Fucker. I want to hit him over the head and kick him in the stomach. And I want to pull the hairs out of his mustache one by one and drop them in his eye balls. I’m starting to feel better. Who knew that giving vent to my fantasies like this would work? I might be doing more of this, so be wary if you are actually reading any of this crap. He, he, ha, ha, ho, ho.

11.13 – I’m telling you I really feel much better after the above entry. Cool.

11.55 – I could cry right now I am so frustrated and annoyed. In-between someone said they were going out to get lunch and did I want something. First I said no but then I said yes and then I said no again and almost burst into tears. I really hate all of this strife and arguing and defending people that don’t deserve it and having to rearrange my schedule to compensate for the bullshit inability other people have in managing their lives. I’m tired of this crap and being angry all of the time. I shouldn’t have to spend 9 hours a day on guard and in a defensive position or trying to think of ways to be in an offensive position to compensate. No wonder I eat like crazy. I am so wired right now and the only thing that calms me down and numbs me so I can function is major does of carbs and fat. I’m going to start drinking or taking ludes for God’s sake, except then I’d be asleep all day long, which would be ok but no one is going to pay me for that. I’m taking a deep breath now. And another. I’m beginning to think straight again, but seriously I could cry I am so frustrated.

BREATH – sun is warm (not today but I can fantasize)
SMILE – grass is green (soon.)

This is how that breathing lady (you know the one she has infomercials where you get fit and skinny by breathing. She has lots of long bleach blonde hair and big poufy lips and long nails.) If I could just slow down enough in my headlong panic to breath, I’d be better off. Trouble is most times I can’t remember to do that until after I’ve eaten a whole cake.

12.33 – I took a breather break. That helped calm me down but I still feel like crying because I feel like nothing is going to get better here and I know it won’t and that means I will have to leave and I don’t …maybe I do. Now my boss’ wife just came in and began asking me computer questions because their son has 125 viruses on his computer and so he’s using theirs and it’s our MIS guy’s fault for not installing an antivirus program on their son’s computer. And my boss’ father was in here a little while ago saying he’s going to get involved in the company again. I’ll be leaving even sooner if that happens. I’m taking more deep breaths.

I want to leave the building but it’s raining so I can’t go to the park. I need to go to the mall but I’m afraid I will stop at McDonalds on my way there and then on my way back again. Maybe after a few minutes I’ll going. The boss and all of his family members are out so I will have a few moments of peace. Maybe I’ll go when they come back.

13.43 – I’m back. I went to Kitchen Kapers to exchange my cracked salad spinner. On the way back it started raining. Oddly, that makes me feel better. I took some artsy type raindrop photos while I was out too. I did not get and eat any food. Yay for me. As I was leaving and getting in my car, I was reflecting how painful this paying attention to my inner feelings and sensations is. It really hurts and is very uncomfortable. No wonder I have been dulling the pain with food. And I guess since it’s been so long since I’ve done it, it is doubly and triply uncomfortable. Sucks man.

15.27 – Just got done meeting with my boss and our 401k tpa. We are not changing anything, which is what I suggested ages ago but we had to have a total of five meetings to make that decision. I am exhausted. I’m eating my salad now. I waited in case I slopped dressing on my shirt again, little piggy that I am.

15.54 – I just got done talking to a wacky lady over a claim. Why do I take these things so personally? Now I want popcorn. I had my salad and I ate my Kashi bar but I want more. I am really exhausted today. The IRS cashed my check so that age old problem from when I was a poor single mother is finally done. Whoo hoo for future refund checks.

16.34 – I distracted myself by reading the silly stories of the world’s Attention Whores. I will not mention them by name (my own personal boycott) but you know who they are anyway. I think I’ve made it through another day at work without falling off of the wagon. Now I just need a strategy for at home at night before bed when I want cheese cake.

18:12 - Stopped on the way home by the river to see what it looked like because when I took pictures it was frozen over. Today, the ice was breaking up like an ice breaker ship went through. I took pictures. Made me feel a little better.