Perhaps I have been too hard on myself; too strict; too confining. I know it’s hard to think that someone who weighs as much as I do can consider herself strict with herself, but I think there is truth in this.
I deny myself breakfast and lunch or severely limit what I can have. I make up all kinds of rules to follow. And then I rebel against it all because I shouldn’t have to feel punished. Something Jenn said in her comments early made me start thinking about this. Why should I not have certain things? I have been telling myself for eons that I can’t have the things I want because I’m bad. I have no self control. I don’t do my chores first. I don’t dust every day. My hair’s not perfect. My shoes aren’t shined. All of my ducks are not in line, therefore, I deserve no rewards at all.
And then I get mad because it’s not fair. Why do I have to be perfect before I can have what I want? Why can’t I do a little work, have a little fun, eat a hearty breakfast, have a light lunch and have a small dessert. Why can’t I wear light blue? Why must I wear black? Why do I have to sit quietly in a corner while the adults around me talk? Why is my hearty laugh offensive to the polite, upright, stodgy people around me? Why can’t I do what the hell I want? Why do I have to justify anything to anyone? Why have I written an entire paragraph in questions?
Perhaps it is not necessary to struggle against everything including myself to feel alive. Perhaps it’s time to quit the struggle against my body and treat it kindly for a change. Maybe a little gentle treatment would be good for my body and soul. Maybe it’s time to relax. Really relax. Not hide away and pretend the world outside of me does not exist, but instead allow it to be while I allow to myself to be there too. A constant all or nothing to balance the scales may not be needed. More of a floating on the waves kind of balance would be better.
2 comments:
Just remember...everytime your mind forces something on your body, it rebels. If your mind negotiates with your body, your body (who is not gonna take any shit from no mind, thank you very much!)is more willing to be reasonable.
And it needs to be fed at an emotional level. Those emotions that are fed by those foods, how do you duplicate them, in the healthier choices you are now making?
(Crystal Phillips addresses this in a big way in her book - if you want to make lasting changes, you have to do it in a way that can be sustained - and that does not mean punishing yourself at the outset)
Also, if you are cutting down, cut down slowly, not all at once. Forget about size. You are a person, a whole person and you DESERVE everything everything everything you want or have ever wanted.
If someone tells you different, I will come there and beat the bejezus out of them!
As for ice cream, etc...what about sharing a cone with your husband? That way, you eat slower and get to have half.
Your ideas are always good ones. Just deciding to relax is helping. I feel better. I've been following so many rules for so long, I feel like I'm on vacation.
I can get the book you mentioned, but I had to order it, so I'm waiting for it to arrive.
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