20130204 - 002

I'm trying not to apologize to myself for who I am. So much of me feels wrong all of the time that my elbows itch (that's from all of my quarks quaking.)

I was at a party Saturday and I felt the need to apologize: for not being entertaining; for being uncomfortable within a room full of people; for not talking; for hating all of the noise; for dissecting everyone else; for wanting to be alone; for being bored; for my inability to make small talk; for all of these things that make me feel so very different from the rest of the world.

I felt inadequate and I wondered if anyone else felt that way but how do you ask people who appear to be having a good time if they really mean it?

I wonder how I have lived 55 years and just never have a clue about how to connect to other people especially when I really don't want to connect. And it's not really that I don't want to connect but that I'd like to just be myself for once and feel like it's ok to sit in a corner and just watch without guilt. There's always the guilt.

Where does all of the guilt come from?

I've been writing for the past three hours. The time passed in a minute. I felt light and free and easy. I was thinking of meditating again. Maybe I'll just write. Although sometimes neither is very relaxing. There just is never any long term peace. I was told once it won't even happen after death in this lifetime.