20130205 - morning

The obligation of watering the plants every couple of days overwhelms me. I resent having to do it. Brushing my teeth each morning, feeding the dog, putting gas in the car, doing the dishes, laundry, waking up, going to bed, paying bills: I hate all of these things. They depress me. They make me feel hopeless. I want them all to go away. Make them go away. I really hate that every morning a new day starts all over again. Why is this supposed to be a good thing? It just wears me the hell out. It just means doing the same things all over again. They don’t get better. The little elves don’t come out during the night and clean my socks and underpants.

My right shoulder joint, both elbows, my right hip, both knees and my left ankle all hurt. My elbows are sore to the touch like they are inflamed. The rest all ache.

I don’t manage to do anything for an extended period of time. I have no perseverance; no staying power.

It appears like I’m going to be doing a whole lot of whining. This ought to be pretty pathetic.

Spell check is a good thing. I’m grateful for that. I’ve had to use it six times so far just getting to this point. I should leave all of my spelling errors in my journal writing. I wonder if I can do that with out going bonkers apr shit. I’m going to do it. In my first of the morning writing, I’m not going to correct any spelling wrrors. Look there’s two in this paragrapgh (three) already. I may not survive the next hoiur.

I woke up at 0340 this morning. I forced myself to stay in bed with my eyes closed until 0430. I did some breaths counts at the end. I wanted to do 500. I lost count somewhere in the 300’s. I had to restart about ten times.

I watched all three of the Anne of Green Gables yesterday. I love the first two, the third is so disappointing. I always wnder after watching this series what it would be like to have life long friends like in this story. I really just can’t grasp it. I’ve seen friendships like the one between Marilla and  Rachell but never a friendship like Anne and Diana. I think I’ve never been able to have a long time friendship because I really do hld grudges. Not like where you actively do things to get back at someone but I just get a broken connection. I can’t forget. I forgive but it’s never the same. I have servere trust issues. It’s like a switch for the feelings serquet (circuit - I didn’t do spell check but I couldn’t leave that word spelled that way. If I was writing with pen and paper I would rip up the page and start over because that was such a bad mistake) gets turned off and then it rusts and it can’t ever be fixed and I’ve never tried rewiring it. That’s not true - I’ve tried twice in the past with two different former friends but it didn’t work. I saw them completely differently and could never resolve myself to the new versions.

I am beyond my 500 word goal for my first goal of the day. Do I stop or is there anything else I want to complain about?

I was awake off and on all night worrying about posting these journal entries for everyone to see. I do I leave them, do I keep them there and public but not post them to my twitter feed and thus to facebook, do I make this a private blog, do I just do it on my drive? I decided to go with my first choice and just leave it as is for all the world to see. Screw it. This is stuff I really think about. I need to clean out the corners of my mind. I have a private hournal already so I need to do something different.

I so want to go back and fix the spelling errors. I am a damaged human being to be so bothered by soemthing so stupid. Back later, gater. Ugh!

709 words