20130205

0845 - I want potato chips with french onion dip and a diet coke.

I just finished going through my emails and i am annoyed by all of the truly stupid things i have to do requested by people who should be doing really important things but instead they focus on dumb things.

I mean, really, I have a couple of advanced degrees and granted i have experience in things no one else can do but seriously, i have to interrupt my day to make friggin' labels? This is just such a smart intelligent use of my time and now i will obsess about it all day long.

1001 - I feel like crying. I looked at my Directv bill and there's a receiver for an RV on there which we put on for my brother. I've been billed for it for 2 years. I asked my brother when he sent it back. he says he bought his won. so now i'll have to pay for a receiver i've never used and I don't have. I can't win.

I'm going to eat my salad. maybe that will help. i had my protein shake (190 calories) but that isn't cutting it.

1026 - i feel like crap. Not physically, but emotionally. I want to lay on the floor under my desk, curl into a ball and cry my eyes out.

Brunch was a spring mix and spinach salad with mandarin oranges, chick peas, catalina dressing, brown rice & almond gluten free chips and V8 (435 calories.) I'm going to take my magnesium now. I wish there was someone who would take the time to cheer me up. My shoulders are down around my knees. I'm depressing myself even more by wiriting this crap. I thought journalling was supposed to help. I just threw my V8 can away. fuck recycling. (I took it out again. Guilt is stronger than patheticness.)

My toes are freezing too. The cold just comes right through the cemebnt slab under me.

I'm full but I'm still depressed. yeah, i expected it to go away in 9 minutes. All of my typos are really bothering me. I'd like to punch a wall right now. Or break a pane of glass.

I'm going to go look at my todo list and see if I can't pick something to focus on to distract myself from all of this disguting bullshit.

1048 - i keep forgetting to drink my water. Perhaps my brain is dehydrated. No one is getting back to me on my emails for stuff for me to do. I'm going to wash my salad dishes and put my recycles in the recycle bin.

1106 - i was just in the bathroom crying because no one ever tells me I'm pretty. Normally I could care less. My appearance is not somehting i usually pay attention to but sometimes, i don't know. I want to delete this post so bad. I really should because I sound like a raving loon but this is the way my head goes most days. i'd like to blame it on the menopause but i'm pretty sure none of this is new. You'd think i'd know for sure if this is common for me but that's part of the problem too. i always feel like such a fake, like i'm putting on a show but a show for who? Myself? i was going to do separate posts each time but i decided to just do one long running on all day and the schedule it to post in the middle of the night.

Facebook was depressing me too. Everyone is fucking chipper.

1145 - It's not even noon, yet. I feel a little better. I formatted and posted a picture of an employee to our work FB page. It distracted me a bit. I started on my first character sketch. that helped, too.

The purpose of all of this writing is to make me more aware instead of losing myself in a haze of time where i waste time not being here.

1152 - right now:

sight - job files to check through

sound - Heart, tell It like It Is

smell - vinegar

taste - a dry tongue

touch - lotiony hands

A drink of Vintage Seltzer and a deep breath and another of each.

1203 - The deep breaths are helping. They feeling very good. i forgot to take my magnesium. Did it now. Maybe my brain wasn't getting enough oxygen. I mean, the difference is remarkable. Like someone dumped some normal juice in my drink. i'm telling you, i'm just not right.

I just scared myself. i accidently hit publish but it let me revert to draft without having to delete the post. Cool beanie weinies.

1316 - Something smells really good. The deep breaths and seltzer have helped. I feel better, less grey.

Directv got back to me without saying anything except they got my email and someone will contact me within 72 hours. I'm chewing on celery.

1409 - Finished checking the math and info on the timecards. Just found out a co-worker has the flu.

1418 - Chicken noodle soup time. I did not add any salt to anything so far today. i didn't have any salt with my celery sticks. I'm feeling much better than this morning. Not chipper but not borderline suidicial either (please don't call the straight jacket people ~ I'm not really into suidice enven though sometimes I am in the depths of despair ~ I'd never commit suicide just because I refuse to let the demons win.)

I'm going to try using a small dessert plate for dinner tonight and refrain from adding any salt.

I'm taking my lunch break right now so i'm going to go do my goals on The Salt Lover's Guide to Magic. I need a PACTS sentence for the book, the start of the 3 main characters' sheets and 500 new words on the Introduction which is really a first chapter by the book's author (the person bringing us the story.)

I've stuck to my eating plan so far today. I'm not hungry but i sure would like some ice cream and Reeces Peanut Butter Cups. I've been thinking about Caramel too.And a heath bar. Just obsession. I'm going to clean up my todo list. 140 things is just too much to look at. I've got things on there I am not going to get to anytime soon and i don't want to either. they're just distracting me, distracting my vision.

Off to write.

1507 - finished the 3 character charts. Working on a PACTS sentence next. I actually just smiled at something. I'm telling you i amy need to write just to survive.

1601 - lemon yogurt and ground flax seed time.

in case you are wondering, in between all of this angst and journalling and other stuff I am actually kicking out tons of work. I won't bore you with what i'm doing (because it bores me) but I can produce the work of about 3 or 4 people in the time it takes 1 person to do half his work.

I don't like lemon yogurt. i like most things lemon but this tastes like lemon soap. greek yogurt is great though. I'd wonder if I'm manic depressive but there's very little manic about my energy levels. I'm always tired. i am certainly most cheerful right now. i wish I knew exactly what did the trick. Probabbly all of the above.

writing
deep breathing
water
goals

1633 - I have 30 minutes to come up with my sentence first draft - needs to be 30 words or less.

1648 - 1st draft of 50 words - not bad

Mary, fat, dependant and boring, wants to die. Frank Hendersen, a demon/primorial god, is obsessed with Mary and wants her for his mate. Mary must actualize to be fit for Frank Hendersen, so she must be reborn each time she dies. Suburban New Jersey and a salt mine village in Austria.

There's plenty of room to cut down 20 words.

More on this later.

Now i need to do 500 words on the Intro by Vincent van Kingmaker before the day is over. i'm shutting down for now until i get home. I survived the day at work. Nice.

1735 - Got home about 10 minutes ago. It's snowing little cubes of ice. My brother was on the phone. He's ging to check to see if the number in my Directv account matches the receiver he bought. I just want to make sure they don't try to get me to turn inan extra receiver.

1844 - Just got done dinner. I did not add any salt - VICKTORY! Sauted chicken, rice, onions, red peppers, califlower and brocilli.

I finished my PACTS sentence for tSLBoM:

Mary, a housewife in New Jersey, wants to die. Frank, demon/god, is obsessed with Mary. He causes her to be repeatedly reborn, once in an ancient Austrian salt mine.

1919 - Ugh! 200 more words until I can finish for the day. But again I have to point out that when I finished eating I wanted more. I was thinking about chocolates again and I'm not a chocolate person. I want warm pudding cake. But I started writing and I forgot all about it. Until I got frustrated about not getting enough words.

1935 - Done. 509 words. I did tomorrow's todo list an hour ago. I am tired. I am in a much better mood. I wonder how the day will begin tomorrow.