Mosey into Monday

1121 I’m writing late today. I’ve decided to take it easy on Mondays and do my schedule/list in whatever order strikes my fancy.

I slept late today (0715.) I slept all night long. I had some cool dreams. I barely remember most of them. Something about my mother getting diabetes (she talked about this several times yesterday so not very revealing except about my inability not to obsess over things she says.) As I lay in bed last night, I thought about how bad i always feel when I spend any amount of time in her presence. I can never speak the truth of what I feel or think because she then goes off in very inappropriate tangents or tells me I’m wrong/bad/crazy. I feel like I am walking through a minefield. I get all itchy and vibraty feeling. And it lasts for days afterwards. This makes me so sad, I could cry whenever I think of her. When I compare the relationship I have with her and the relationship my daughter and I have together. My daughter, The Snoogs, and I are best friends as well as mother/daughter. The relationship I have with my mother is defined by fear on my part. She mostly doesn’t like much about me. There’s duty. Maybe some sort of love she feels she must have for me. When she hugs me and kisses me it feels like I’m up against a dead, floppy fish and this pains me in my soul. I am on the verge of tears right now.

Boy that was a tangent. This looking at my feelings is time consuming and upsetting. No wonder I never did it before. :)

So in my dreams last night I fought off bullies. I was in college. (I’m jumping around here.) I lived in a camper with a male roommate who was very hot and fun and funny. I went out to a lot of clubs with girlfriends. I loved my roommate but it was unrequited until the very end when I was going to leave our living arrangements because I needed to move on and staying with our relationship the way it was hurt me. So I was leaving and then he realized he couldn’t live without me. I went to some sort of stage show. I was the only white person in the audience. The show was shut down less than half way through the program - I don’t remember why. I rioted. No one else did. They just left. Some football players were picking on another student. I lept over a railing and beat the quarterback back and yelled at him. We were all at a NASCAR race but it was at a school. So I brught the bullied student up in the stands with my friends and it turned out he had a bomb and guns and he was going to kill everyone and I couldn’t talk him out of it so I had to turn him into the police (he wouldn’t give up his tool kit) so they could deactivate the bomb.

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Breaking Time

I took a break yesterday after I finished reworking all of my blogs and websites. I’ve made them all similar and made the copyright and Find Me spots just one place that all of the blogs and my website link back to so I only ever have to change one place from now on and they will be consistent. After that, I read for a bit. I started drinking margaritas at 1600 so then I didn’t do much of anything at all after that. I went to bed at 1930.

QV wasn’t home yet. He was kidnapped at 1400 by Big R. QV thought he was actually going to do something because Big R said he was on a mission. The only mission he was on was to go to Derby’s (the most diviest dive in town - it’s quite famous around here) and cash his check (old habits die hard for some people) and he was already drunk when he picked QV up.

QV wasn’t going to take his coat but I talked him into taking it just in case and he needed it. He hates it when I’m right. Come to think of it, most people hate it when I am right. Maybe I really need to start not telling people what they should do. I wonder if I can do that?

Look, three paragraphs that didn’t start with “I.”

The Snoogs asked me if I would consider babysitting The MM for two weeks this month while her MIL and FIL go to Florida to take care of her FIL father and his wife who need to go into homes (for some reason want to go into separate homes.) I got mad. I said no. I wanted March, this first month of unemployment, just for what I want to do. She got the message. I actually got quite hysterical but she didn’t hate me.

My emotions are a bit on a roller coaster right now. I am getting a little excited over the smallest things. Yesterday morning, I got out of hand when QV asked how to mail my papers back to TMS. He didn’t know about buying stamps. I got incredulous to the point of near insanity. Very out of proportion to the situation.

Kate Walsh (actress) said on Chelsea Lately it feels a bit like being some sort of weird criminal being out of work all of a sudden after working steady for so many years. That’s kind of how I feel sometimes.

I’m going to write today and fold clothes in the basement. My 401k went up $2,800 since I got fired. That’s a good thing because we’re going to need that money to live on for the next several months. I’ve got to build a steady daily routine for the week days. It’s already 0928 and I haven’t done much of anything except this writing but to be fair, I slept until 0830 (my first time sleeping late) and I shouldn’t - I mean I don’t want - to put so much pressure on myself this month. March is for me.

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