I took a personality test yesterday. I came up as this personality type: INTJ consisting of Introvert 82% (extrovert), Intuition 12% (sensing), Thinking 4% (feeling) and Judging 6% (perceiving). Opposites of my traits are in parenthesis. Not much of a surprise that I am mostly an Introvert. Just another confirmation of why I act the way I do in the “real” world. I am working on being ok with my self-contained self. I long to be able to make small talk or mingle in a crowd of more than two or feign interest in the same stories I’ve heard more than once. But no matter how hard I try, it just doesn’t happen. I should stop trying to be what I am not and work on being the best me I can be.
I wanted to remember my dreams from last night and I did when I first woke up but then I went back to bed and turned the TV on and I lost them all. There was a winding road and car accidents and a house with very old things in it that I liked rooting through. There was also car accidents from racing wildly on the road and several dead people. There was one man who was in a relationship with one woman but when another woman lay on the ground dying (or as he thought she was dying) he professed his love for the dying woman as the first woman stood looking on in the background. I guess I remembered more than I thought I did.
My money showed up in my account this morning. We’ll be able to breath a bit easier for a little while at least. If QV goes back to work by the end of the month like he’s supposed to then we should be ok. We will be able to get the bedroom done finally, finish the closet by putting in corner shelves and installing sliding doors. Then we’ll be getting IKEA cabinets and a king size bed with a new mattress. Yay! We are putting in a floating counter under the front windows going from cabinet to cabinet as a desk/vanity. We are also putting in floating side tables on each side of the bed. I want as much off of the floor as possible.
We are getting a new couch in the living room, too. Can stand the piece of crap we currently have. It was a freebie from one of QV’s brother’s friends and it is worn out and way too low to the ground. We’re looking at a leather couch so The Codes’ hair is easier to clean up. I have bed sheet suspenders ordered from Amazon so I can clip a cover over the couch and it won’t slip so The Codes nails don’t poke through the leather.
Those are the big things. There are smaller projects that need to be finished, like the electrical plugs in the kitchen over the sink and putting up my art on the living room walls.
I was contacted by one of my co-workers from my old job. She’d like to stay in touch. I am glad someone does. After 16 years, you’d think someone would have the balls to still talk to me. I know they must all feel weird but come on. Anyway, I’m happy at least one person still wants me. :)
The guy is here from PSE&G to fix the heater. It blows cold air sometimes when it comes on even though the pilot light is on.
The Xfinity guy is due here this morning too. He is coming to give me a new DVR box since I can’t get any of my Premium channels. I just noticed I am missing some of my recordings. I wonder if I deleted them by accident since the remote and the box don’t communicate very well with each other. Sometimes you press the remote and it doesn’t connect with the box. Then when you press the button too many times out of frustration then it does too many things at once and you end up deleting shows. I hope the new box fixes all of that.
A bit wordy today.
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Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dreams. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Monday, March 11, 2013
Mosey into Monday
1121 I’m writing late today. I’ve decided to take it easy on Mondays and do my schedule/list in whatever order strikes my fancy.
I slept late today (0715.) I slept all night long. I had some cool dreams. I barely remember most of them. Something about my mother getting diabetes (she talked about this several times yesterday so not very revealing except about my inability not to obsess over things she says.) As I lay in bed last night, I thought about how bad i always feel when I spend any amount of time in her presence. I can never speak the truth of what I feel or think because she then goes off in very inappropriate tangents or tells me I’m wrong/bad/crazy. I feel like I am walking through a minefield. I get all itchy and vibraty feeling. And it lasts for days afterwards. This makes me so sad, I could cry whenever I think of her. When I compare the relationship I have with her and the relationship my daughter and I have together. My daughter, The Snoogs, and I are best friends as well as mother/daughter. The relationship I have with my mother is defined by fear on my part. She mostly doesn’t like much about me. There’s duty. Maybe some sort of love she feels she must have for me. When she hugs me and kisses me it feels like I’m up against a dead, floppy fish and this pains me in my soul. I am on the verge of tears right now.
Boy that was a tangent. This looking at my feelings is time consuming and upsetting. No wonder I never did it before. :)
So in my dreams last night I fought off bullies. I was in college. (I’m jumping around here.) I lived in a camper with a male roommate who was very hot and fun and funny. I went out to a lot of clubs with girlfriends. I loved my roommate but it was unrequited until the very end when I was going to leave our living arrangements because I needed to move on and staying with our relationship the way it was hurt me. So I was leaving and then he realized he couldn’t live without me. I went to some sort of stage show. I was the only white person in the audience. The show was shut down less than half way through the program - I don’t remember why. I rioted. No one else did. They just left. Some football players were picking on another student. I lept over a railing and beat the quarterback back and yelled at him. We were all at a NASCAR race but it was at a school. So I brught the bullied student up in the stands with my friends and it turned out he had a bomb and guns and he was going to kill everyone and I couldn’t talk him out of it so I had to turn him into the police (he wouldn’t give up his tool kit) so they could deactivate the bomb.
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I slept late today (0715.) I slept all night long. I had some cool dreams. I barely remember most of them. Something about my mother getting diabetes (she talked about this several times yesterday so not very revealing except about my inability not to obsess over things she says.) As I lay in bed last night, I thought about how bad i always feel when I spend any amount of time in her presence. I can never speak the truth of what I feel or think because she then goes off in very inappropriate tangents or tells me I’m wrong/bad/crazy. I feel like I am walking through a minefield. I get all itchy and vibraty feeling. And it lasts for days afterwards. This makes me so sad, I could cry whenever I think of her. When I compare the relationship I have with her and the relationship my daughter and I have together. My daughter, The Snoogs, and I are best friends as well as mother/daughter. The relationship I have with my mother is defined by fear on my part. She mostly doesn’t like much about me. There’s duty. Maybe some sort of love she feels she must have for me. When she hugs me and kisses me it feels like I’m up against a dead, floppy fish and this pains me in my soul. I am on the verge of tears right now.
Boy that was a tangent. This looking at my feelings is time consuming and upsetting. No wonder I never did it before. :)
So in my dreams last night I fought off bullies. I was in college. (I’m jumping around here.) I lived in a camper with a male roommate who was very hot and fun and funny. I went out to a lot of clubs with girlfriends. I loved my roommate but it was unrequited until the very end when I was going to leave our living arrangements because I needed to move on and staying with our relationship the way it was hurt me. So I was leaving and then he realized he couldn’t live without me. I went to some sort of stage show. I was the only white person in the audience. The show was shut down less than half way through the program - I don’t remember why. I rioted. No one else did. They just left. Some football players were picking on another student. I lept over a railing and beat the quarterback back and yelled at him. We were all at a NASCAR race but it was at a school. So I brught the bullied student up in the stands with my friends and it turned out he had a bomb and guns and he was going to kill everyone and I couldn’t talk him out of it so I had to turn him into the police (he wouldn’t give up his tool kit) so they could deactivate the bomb.
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Tuesday, March 05, 2013
Dreams of Karma
I was afraid to go to sleep last night. The MM was gone from a three day weekend and real life loomed before me in all its fear inducing unknownness. I was afraid to go to sleep because I thought I wouldn’t be able to sleep. That I would lie awake and brood on my lack of employment; on the way things went down; on how I could have done things differently.
I decided yesterday, again, that I would not run away from my feelings and thoughts. Instead of trying to ignore how I felt and think of other things, I decided I would investigate how I felt and the thoughts I was having. So at 2130, I laid my head down, closed my eyes and gave it a shot. I put the TV on dull light and on the timer. I fell asleep quickly. I did wake up at 0230, like I used to do always in the past, but I think maybe something happens at that time, some noise or something, that wakes me up at that time. I was able to go right back to sleep.
I dreamed of getting fired last night. I was accused of attempting to mess things up on the computers I left behind. But instead, things went very wrong just because I was no longer there. In an attempt to pay me back for this, he tried to set me up by planting something he owns in the box of things I was taking with me. But I had my cardboard box rigged with that paint they put in money at banks when banks are robbed. When he called the police to accuse me, I turned on my light and it showed footprints leading back to him and his fingerprints on the “stolen” item and on top of that it showed where he stole a necklace from me and had it in his glowing pocket. He was arrested and his mug shot was shown on TV with the caption “Not only did he fire her after 16 years of dedicated service for no good reason, but he tried to frame her for theft and he stole a piece of costume jewelry selling for $3.99 at a discount store.” Karma took care of my revenge.
My brain was telling me it would be ok. I just need to move forward with my own agenda and let the rest of the world take care of itself.
Today is the first day of my new job: writing fiction. Today will be an organizing day. A day to figure out my new routine. I must treat my work hours at home as I would have done at TMS. I was able to get lots done there by being very organized. That’s what I want to do here. Treat my life like I was running someone else’s business. If I can do that then I will be good.
I am happy that so far I am not depressed. I feel hopeful even though at some points during the day I feel a little like a rudderless boat.
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I decided yesterday, again, that I would not run away from my feelings and thoughts. Instead of trying to ignore how I felt and think of other things, I decided I would investigate how I felt and the thoughts I was having. So at 2130, I laid my head down, closed my eyes and gave it a shot. I put the TV on dull light and on the timer. I fell asleep quickly. I did wake up at 0230, like I used to do always in the past, but I think maybe something happens at that time, some noise or something, that wakes me up at that time. I was able to go right back to sleep.
I dreamed of getting fired last night. I was accused of attempting to mess things up on the computers I left behind. But instead, things went very wrong just because I was no longer there. In an attempt to pay me back for this, he tried to set me up by planting something he owns in the box of things I was taking with me. But I had my cardboard box rigged with that paint they put in money at banks when banks are robbed. When he called the police to accuse me, I turned on my light and it showed footprints leading back to him and his fingerprints on the “stolen” item and on top of that it showed where he stole a necklace from me and had it in his glowing pocket. He was arrested and his mug shot was shown on TV with the caption “Not only did he fire her after 16 years of dedicated service for no good reason, but he tried to frame her for theft and he stole a piece of costume jewelry selling for $3.99 at a discount store.” Karma took care of my revenge.
My brain was telling me it would be ok. I just need to move forward with my own agenda and let the rest of the world take care of itself.
Today is the first day of my new job: writing fiction. Today will be an organizing day. A day to figure out my new routine. I must treat my work hours at home as I would have done at TMS. I was able to get lots done there by being very organized. That’s what I want to do here. Treat my life like I was running someone else’s business. If I can do that then I will be good.
I am happy that so far I am not depressed. I feel hopeful even though at some points during the day I feel a little like a rudderless boat.
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Tuesday, February 19, 2013
There Will Be Blood
I am groggy. I woke up at 2330 needing to pee. I drank two glasses of wine to calm down from my phone call with DirecTV over returning the boxes to them. I only received one box with a return sticker listing the DVR and the RV box that my brother said he bought from Best Buy and owned. So I get on the phone and am frustrated because I can’t get a live person since the computer was confused because it no longer thought I had service which I don’t so it couldn’t find my account even though I could find my account online and it threw me into a perpetual loop. So I pressed zero repeatedly, over and over again until it threw me into the live person queue. So the first person had difficulty setting up the return. She had to code the system three times before it accepted the returns then all of a sudden she got a message that they don’t want the small boxes back. Just the cards inside. Once we had that straightened out I tried to convince her that I owned the RV box. She said it showed it was leased. I insisted it was purchased. She switched me to another rep who said the box was definitely leased. I argued a little more and then gave up and said I would look for my paperwork for when it was bought. She said Best Buy never sold boxes, only leased them. I called my brother and told him. He said the box he had was definitely the one listed on my account, the serial numbers matched. So I asked if he had any paperwork on it because they said it was leased and not bought. And he said maybe. He couldn’t remember and I could have the box to return it. Arg! A two glass of wine situation. QV is going over to my brother’s house today to get the box and send it back to DirecTV.
I couldn’t fall back asleep. I got up, took two Melatonin to help me relax, downloaded Pride and Prejudice from Audible into my iPod, took two TUMS and went back to bed. I fell asleep around 0130. The book did help distract me but the dreams I had after were wild. Filled with crowds. A church service. I had my period throughout the dream but no tampon or pad. At one point, I was hiding in a closet. Packing for some sort of trip with large crates yet unable to find the second in a pair of shoes that I had to have for the trip. Unable to keep my suitcase closed. My belongings falling out and getting lost and me missing my ride. And people everywhere. I couldn’t get away from the people getting in the middle of my business. I was shocked when the alarm went off at 0530.
My full bladder made me get up. I debated going back to bed and stayed up. The heater did not come on only the blower so cold air was coming out again. I feel like a poor writer living in a cold ghetto apartment writing with a blanket wrapped around my shoulders because I can’t afford coal for my heater. I turned the thermostat down so it could reset and now it’s back to blowing hot air.
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I couldn’t fall back asleep. I got up, took two Melatonin to help me relax, downloaded Pride and Prejudice from Audible into my iPod, took two TUMS and went back to bed. I fell asleep around 0130. The book did help distract me but the dreams I had after were wild. Filled with crowds. A church service. I had my period throughout the dream but no tampon or pad. At one point, I was hiding in a closet. Packing for some sort of trip with large crates yet unable to find the second in a pair of shoes that I had to have for the trip. Unable to keep my suitcase closed. My belongings falling out and getting lost and me missing my ride. And people everywhere. I couldn’t get away from the people getting in the middle of my business. I was shocked when the alarm went off at 0530.
My full bladder made me get up. I debated going back to bed and stayed up. The heater did not come on only the blower so cold air was coming out again. I feel like a poor writer living in a cold ghetto apartment writing with a blanket wrapped around my shoulders because I can’t afford coal for my heater. I turned the thermostat down so it could reset and now it’s back to blowing hot air.
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Thursday, February 07, 2013
20130207 - morning
0724 - I slept until 0700. Screwed up my timeline but I woke up at 0130, thirsty and in a panic. I wasn’t having problems breathing but I felt funny all over my body like my nerve endings were vibrating all over especially my fingers, wrists, forearms and thighs. I was worried about which bill to pay tomorrow and how they are all due and all about $300 and how My hubby has to fix his unemployment to the correct amount or they are going to start shutting off the electricity and I won’t be able to the the mortgage this month and my parents are so old they are going to start dying soon and if one dies where will the other live and I’m hold with high blood pressure and cholesterol so I’m going to die soon and I have no will and then my hubby’s going to die and I’ll have to sell the house because it’s too big but he loves this house and I turned on the tv to listen to science trying to prove God and astronauts dying on their trip to Mars. I took a deep breath, got up to pee, drank some water and crawled back under the covers and covered my head. I finally fell asleep around 0545 and dreamed about swimming pools that are heated, with forced currents and I never got to swim in it because my mother’s mother died and we had a memorial service in the roadside joint (where the pool was) which was full because the bridge crossing the river at this point in the road was blocked to truck traffic but cars could go around them which caused parking and accident problems in the restaurant’s parking lot. I was young, around 16, trying to hang out with similar aged friends and trying to escape the adults and my little sister (I don’t have a sister) hiding behind columns, in closets and trying to escape in my car.
I have to get ready for work now. I am running late of course.
My back teeth are completely out of alignment. Sometimes my jaw is really off other times I forget about it. I thought of wrapping a necklace around my wrist with my vampire teeth on it while I was trying to sleep in the middle of the night. I did it while I was drinking my coffee this morning. I have to put Da Vinci's Demons and showtime show starting in April on my calendar so I remember to watch it. We’ll have all of the movie channels with Xfinity for $100 less per month. I have to cancel Directv today. I haven’t heard back from the about the extra receiver.
I need to do another 50 words before I can quit and go get dressed. I can’t remember right now if I dreamed about Vincent van Kingmaker. I’ll try to figure it out during the day. I had vague anxiety attacks over work I think I keep forgetting at work. I don’t think there is anything but since I can’t really remember I am not sure. I have to just get my shit together. All of this vague worrying is wearing me the hell out.
I have to get ready for work now. I am running late of course.
My back teeth are completely out of alignment. Sometimes my jaw is really off other times I forget about it. I thought of wrapping a necklace around my wrist with my vampire teeth on it while I was trying to sleep in the middle of the night. I did it while I was drinking my coffee this morning. I have to put Da Vinci's Demons and showtime show starting in April on my calendar so I remember to watch it. We’ll have all of the movie channels with Xfinity for $100 less per month. I have to cancel Directv today. I haven’t heard back from the about the extra receiver.
I need to do another 50 words before I can quit and go get dressed. I can’t remember right now if I dreamed about Vincent van Kingmaker. I’ll try to figure it out during the day. I had vague anxiety attacks over work I think I keep forgetting at work. I don’t think there is anything but since I can’t really remember I am not sure. I have to just get my shit together. All of this vague worrying is wearing me the hell out.
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