I am groggy. I woke up at 2330 needing to pee. I drank two glasses of wine to calm down from my phone call with DirecTV over returning the boxes to them. I only received one box with a return sticker listing the DVR and the RV box that my brother said he bought from Best Buy and owned. So I get on the phone and am frustrated because I can’t get a live person since the computer was confused because it no longer thought I had service which I don’t so it couldn’t find my account even though I could find my account online and it threw me into a perpetual loop. So I pressed zero repeatedly, over and over again until it threw me into the live person queue. So the first person had difficulty setting up the return. She had to code the system three times before it accepted the returns then all of a sudden she got a message that they don’t want the small boxes back. Just the cards inside. Once we had that straightened out I tried to convince her that I owned the RV box. She said it showed it was leased. I insisted it was purchased. She switched me to another rep who said the box was definitely leased. I argued a little more and then gave up and said I would look for my paperwork for when it was bought. She said Best Buy never sold boxes, only leased them. I called my brother and told him. He said the box he had was definitely the one listed on my account, the serial numbers matched. So I asked if he had any paperwork on it because they said it was leased and not bought. And he said maybe. He couldn’t remember and I could have the box to return it. Arg! A two glass of wine situation. QV is going over to my brother’s house today to get the box and send it back to DirecTV.
I couldn’t fall back asleep. I got up, took two Melatonin to help me relax, downloaded Pride and Prejudice from Audible into my iPod, took two TUMS and went back to bed. I fell asleep around 0130. The book did help distract me but the dreams I had after were wild. Filled with crowds. A church service. I had my period throughout the dream but no tampon or pad. At one point, I was hiding in a closet. Packing for some sort of trip with large crates yet unable to find the second in a pair of shoes that I had to have for the trip. Unable to keep my suitcase closed. My belongings falling out and getting lost and me missing my ride. And people everywhere. I couldn’t get away from the people getting in the middle of my business. I was shocked when the alarm went off at 0530.
My full bladder made me get up. I debated going back to bed and stayed up. The heater did not come on only the blower so cold air was coming out again. I feel like a poor writer living in a cold ghetto apartment writing with a blanket wrapped around my shoulders because I can’t afford coal for my heater. I turned the thermostat down so it could reset and now it’s back to blowing hot air.
563
Showing posts with label morning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label morning. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Monday, February 18, 2013
Brave?
My poor baby was sick all day yesterday. We woke at six and he fell asleep again in the living room chair at nine. Once he woke up he laid on me all day. There was no running around like a little mad man yesterday. He fell asleep at two again. He really wasn’t feeling well.
I spent the time in between watching Angry Birds Star Wars videos reading Beautiful Creatures. It’s written in first person, I’m trying to dissect it as I read it because it is written by two women with big English degrees. I didn’t get much past noticing the First Person and how certain things are described. To be honest, I easily lose myself in stories so I didn’t notice a whole lot. I kept forgetting to pay attention.
The writing is not coming so easy this morning. Thank goodness I got up early so I have some extra time to figure out what to put here. Time to go off and get a prompt.
Describe one time when you were brave.
I used to work at a truck stop when I was in my twenties as a cashier out at the fuel docks. We had a small building with glass windows all around and a high counter behind which we worked. There was a safe that dispensed tubes of money. The fuel islands were open all night long and people came in to get diesel all through the night and day. Back then there wasn’t random drug testing so many of the drivers came in high on amphetamines especially during the night.
One time this great big guy came in all rude to everyone, terrorizing the guys I was working with, yelling at them. They all tried to back off and appease him. He mouthed off to me and I lost it.
“Yo, bitch. You keep your mouth shut or I'll jump over that counter and shut it for you.”
“Come on, asshole. Jump over that counter and I’ll knock your ass so far out into space they won’t know where to find you. You think I’m scared of you, you son of a bitch.” I pushed up to the counter and slammed my hands on the counter screaming who knows what else. The men working with me actually grabbed me and pulled me back. I astounded a room full of people including the crazy man. He shut up, paid his bill and left all the while looking at me from the corner of his eyes.
Afterwards I realized I zoned out through pretty much all of it. I can’t really tell you much from memory of the incident only what others told me because my mind went blank. I felt the adrenaline squirt into my bloodstream and set me off. Technically I wasn’t really brave since it was a physical reaction to an emotional situation. I do that in certain situations. I get so worked up over people being very aggressive that I literally lose my mind.
503
I spent the time in between watching Angry Birds Star Wars videos reading Beautiful Creatures. It’s written in first person, I’m trying to dissect it as I read it because it is written by two women with big English degrees. I didn’t get much past noticing the First Person and how certain things are described. To be honest, I easily lose myself in stories so I didn’t notice a whole lot. I kept forgetting to pay attention.
The writing is not coming so easy this morning. Thank goodness I got up early so I have some extra time to figure out what to put here. Time to go off and get a prompt.
Describe one time when you were brave.
I used to work at a truck stop when I was in my twenties as a cashier out at the fuel docks. We had a small building with glass windows all around and a high counter behind which we worked. There was a safe that dispensed tubes of money. The fuel islands were open all night long and people came in to get diesel all through the night and day. Back then there wasn’t random drug testing so many of the drivers came in high on amphetamines especially during the night.
One time this great big guy came in all rude to everyone, terrorizing the guys I was working with, yelling at them. They all tried to back off and appease him. He mouthed off to me and I lost it.
“Yo, bitch. You keep your mouth shut or I'll jump over that counter and shut it for you.”
“Come on, asshole. Jump over that counter and I’ll knock your ass so far out into space they won’t know where to find you. You think I’m scared of you, you son of a bitch.” I pushed up to the counter and slammed my hands on the counter screaming who knows what else. The men working with me actually grabbed me and pulled me back. I astounded a room full of people including the crazy man. He shut up, paid his bill and left all the while looking at me from the corner of his eyes.
Afterwards I realized I zoned out through pretty much all of it. I can’t really tell you much from memory of the incident only what others told me because my mind went blank. I felt the adrenaline squirt into my bloodstream and set me off. Technically I wasn’t really brave since it was a physical reaction to an emotional situation. I do that in certain situations. I get so worked up over people being very aggressive that I literally lose my mind.
503
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Fodder
I did not get to write anything on My One True Plan yesterday. I thought about it. I compared what I was doing to My One True Plan to see how what I was doing fit in with my plan and was taking me towards my goal (that’s goal without the s because I have only one goal and everything must move me on my path to that one goal.)
I “socialized” yesterday, remembering that any interaction with other people will help me see how people behave and give me ideas for characterisation. It also helped me see myself more clearly, see how I think and how I behave. I know without a doubt that I would rather be writing than making small talk. I am a horrible chatter. I listen pretty well but I don’t want to participate much in most actual conversations.
I spent the day with my grandson, my parents, my great-nephew, my brother and my daughter. My daughter and my father were the only two people who didn’t expect me to do much more than listen. To be honest, my father’s not much of a talker either so I didn’t have to listen much in his case. My daughter is ok with telling me all kinds of things and when she wants a response she asks a direct question. Other than that, all she expects is for me to listen to her.
My brother got all of the social skills. He’s very good at filling up the conversational void with all kinds of things that sound exciting. He can tell you about his chores and make them sound like grand little adventures. It’s the tone of his voice, the laughter behind his words. People like that.
My great-nephew and my grandson only expect me to play catch with them. I can manage that.
My mother wants an interaction and here is where the difficulties come in because we really don’t have any clear points of commonality. Everything between us is a conversational conflict. She makes a statement, like all priests are bad people (brought on by the Pope’s announcement to retire) and I have to say that’s not true they are people like most others, some good some bad and then I try to discuss the inherent corruption in large organizations (which is what I would want to talk about and not the boogeyman “there’s a pedophile behind every bush” conversation she wants.) Stagnation. Then she tells me about another 5 year old child that was recently abducted and the police detective who came to her door at 7 in the morning looking for a pedophile. Then there’s nothing but doctors visits, diseases and physical complaints followed by how unreasonable and rude her cousin is because she can’t tell my mother what disease her cousin’s husband has in the midst of his mother dying. Oh, and what do I want to eat every 5 minutes. No wonder I am always depressed. It takes so long to scrub all of those thoughts and images from my mind. There’s never anything positive.
I saw Beautiful Creatures with The Snoogs. We had a good time. The movie was fun. I watched the people in the audience before the movie started (many got up and left because they were in the wrong theater (they want Silver Linings Playbook.) And I picked the movie apart thinking how I would do it different.
I got a call from a co-worker before the movie. One of our drivers went off the deep end again. He has two or three episodes each year where he needs emergency responders to go to his truck and then he gets hospitalized and misses delivering shipments.
My little one is not feeling well this weekend. He had a fever and now he is stuffy and cranky. QV watched him all by himself yesterday while I was at the movies. They had 4 hours alone together and it looked like they did well all one their own. They were watching Ice Age 2 when I got home.
My roaming around yesterday certainly made it easier to write this morning.
690
I “socialized” yesterday, remembering that any interaction with other people will help me see how people behave and give me ideas for characterisation. It also helped me see myself more clearly, see how I think and how I behave. I know without a doubt that I would rather be writing than making small talk. I am a horrible chatter. I listen pretty well but I don’t want to participate much in most actual conversations.
I spent the day with my grandson, my parents, my great-nephew, my brother and my daughter. My daughter and my father were the only two people who didn’t expect me to do much more than listen. To be honest, my father’s not much of a talker either so I didn’t have to listen much in his case. My daughter is ok with telling me all kinds of things and when she wants a response she asks a direct question. Other than that, all she expects is for me to listen to her.
My brother got all of the social skills. He’s very good at filling up the conversational void with all kinds of things that sound exciting. He can tell you about his chores and make them sound like grand little adventures. It’s the tone of his voice, the laughter behind his words. People like that.
My great-nephew and my grandson only expect me to play catch with them. I can manage that.
My mother wants an interaction and here is where the difficulties come in because we really don’t have any clear points of commonality. Everything between us is a conversational conflict. She makes a statement, like all priests are bad people (brought on by the Pope’s announcement to retire) and I have to say that’s not true they are people like most others, some good some bad and then I try to discuss the inherent corruption in large organizations (which is what I would want to talk about and not the boogeyman “there’s a pedophile behind every bush” conversation she wants.) Stagnation. Then she tells me about another 5 year old child that was recently abducted and the police detective who came to her door at 7 in the morning looking for a pedophile. Then there’s nothing but doctors visits, diseases and physical complaints followed by how unreasonable and rude her cousin is because she can’t tell my mother what disease her cousin’s husband has in the midst of his mother dying. Oh, and what do I want to eat every 5 minutes. No wonder I am always depressed. It takes so long to scrub all of those thoughts and images from my mind. There’s never anything positive.
I saw Beautiful Creatures with The Snoogs. We had a good time. The movie was fun. I watched the people in the audience before the movie started (many got up and left because they were in the wrong theater (they want Silver Linings Playbook.) And I picked the movie apart thinking how I would do it different.
I got a call from a co-worker before the movie. One of our drivers went off the deep end again. He has two or three episodes each year where he needs emergency responders to go to his truck and then he gets hospitalized and misses delivering shipments.
My little one is not feeling well this weekend. He had a fever and now he is stuffy and cranky. QV watched him all by himself yesterday while I was at the movies. They had 4 hours alone together and it looked like they did well all one their own. They were watching Ice Age 2 when I got home.
My roaming around yesterday certainly made it easier to write this morning.
690
Friday, February 15, 2013
dragons r us
If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be? Describe the pet and how you would take care of it.
I’d like to have a dragon. It would be an iridescent shimmering green shot through with purples, yellows, reds and oranges. Every Time the dragon moved the colors of his scales would change and vibrate. The dragon would be a he and I would name him Reagor because that sounds like a kingly dragony sort of name.
I would get Reagor as an egg and hatch him myself by keeping the egg in a basket wrapped in cashmere blankets to keep the egg soft and warm. I would carry the basket with me wherever I went keeping it safe and allowing him to bond with me before he hatched.
Then one day, Reagor would start cracking the shell of his egg. It would take several hours for him to get out of his egg and I would have to spend the whole time with him, cooing at him to encourage him to keep going because no baby really wants to leave its womb and he’s not very strong yet. But Reagor follows the sound of my voice and comes out into the light. I have to be careful to keep him out of the sunshine yet because he is born with his eyes open and the light would hurt his delicate eyes.
He would have little bits of damp feathers on his skin which will fall off as he grows older and his scales come in. While he is young, he will stay in my backyard where he can climb trees (he can’t fly yet) and chase squirrels through the tree branches and mice through the underbrush of the bamboo stalks. I will fed him rare meats like whole chickens and fresh caught fish that friends who go fishing will bring me and hunks of beef roasts. Reagor doesn’t each vegetables but he does like the occasional fruit like whole pineapples and watermelons.
I live down the street from a big river and a county park so as Reagor gets older he will go hunting over the water and get his own fish and he can go in the park hunting for geese and groundhogs. Not skunks, though. They would give him indigestion and bad breath.
He would learn to fly by jumping from branch to branch hunting squirrels. He would stretch his wings and glide to the next tree. Then he would spot the birds around him and find them more challenging than the squirrels and would he to copy their flight trying to catch the birds. Before you know it, he would be soaring in the air flapping great leathery wings. Once he is grown which would take about eight months he would be two stories tall when sitting on his back legs. His tail would be nine feet long. At this point, I would have to drain the pool so Reagor could curl into it and sleep with his chin resting on the grass verge along the pool edge. Reagor is normally very quiet except when he thinks I am in danger. Then he roars in warning. If not heeded he gobbles up anyone who threatens me.
544
I’d like to have a dragon. It would be an iridescent shimmering green shot through with purples, yellows, reds and oranges. Every Time the dragon moved the colors of his scales would change and vibrate. The dragon would be a he and I would name him Reagor because that sounds like a kingly dragony sort of name.
I would get Reagor as an egg and hatch him myself by keeping the egg in a basket wrapped in cashmere blankets to keep the egg soft and warm. I would carry the basket with me wherever I went keeping it safe and allowing him to bond with me before he hatched.
Then one day, Reagor would start cracking the shell of his egg. It would take several hours for him to get out of his egg and I would have to spend the whole time with him, cooing at him to encourage him to keep going because no baby really wants to leave its womb and he’s not very strong yet. But Reagor follows the sound of my voice and comes out into the light. I have to be careful to keep him out of the sunshine yet because he is born with his eyes open and the light would hurt his delicate eyes.
He would have little bits of damp feathers on his skin which will fall off as he grows older and his scales come in. While he is young, he will stay in my backyard where he can climb trees (he can’t fly yet) and chase squirrels through the tree branches and mice through the underbrush of the bamboo stalks. I will fed him rare meats like whole chickens and fresh caught fish that friends who go fishing will bring me and hunks of beef roasts. Reagor doesn’t each vegetables but he does like the occasional fruit like whole pineapples and watermelons.
I live down the street from a big river and a county park so as Reagor gets older he will go hunting over the water and get his own fish and he can go in the park hunting for geese and groundhogs. Not skunks, though. They would give him indigestion and bad breath.
He would learn to fly by jumping from branch to branch hunting squirrels. He would stretch his wings and glide to the next tree. Then he would spot the birds around him and find them more challenging than the squirrels and would he to copy their flight trying to catch the birds. Before you know it, he would be soaring in the air flapping great leathery wings. Once he is grown which would take about eight months he would be two stories tall when sitting on his back legs. His tail would be nine feet long. At this point, I would have to drain the pool so Reagor could curl into it and sleep with his chin resting on the grass verge along the pool edge. Reagor is normally very quiet except when he thinks I am in danger. Then he roars in warning. If not heeded he gobbles up anyone who threatens me.
544
Thursday, February 14, 2013
20130214 - morning
I’m going to do some prompts in the morning so I don’t spend the whole time whining and complaining.
Imagine you opened your own restaurant. Tell the name of your restaurant. Explain what the restaurant looks like, who works there, and what you serve.
I’d like an Irish pub. Small, with booths with windows behind them looking out on a town sidewalk. There would be a bar but no free floating tables, the tables would only be around the walls. It would be open only from noon until eleven. There would be food served until eight pm.
I would call it The Empty Bottle and Crushed Can which is the name of my house’s backyard bar and my basement bar. There would be a wooden plaque painted sign hanging outside over the door. The walls wood be stone and heavy wood beams. The roof would be thatch. The restaurant would have a fireplace on each end. I would encourage acoustic groups and singers to come and practice at my pub. They would get free drinks and food for playing. The lights would be low. There would be some comfortable stuffed chairs around the fire places. Personalized beer mugs would hang behind the bar for patrons who come in all of the time. QV would be the cook and bartender. I would not work there but I would have a table in a back corner where I could watch the people and write. I could watch people come and go and listen to all of the jokes being told by drunks and all of the world fixing and conspiracy theories that drunk people spout in bars. I would hire college students as waiters and waitresses.
We would serve hand cut double fried french fries with a variety of toppings like brown gravy, cheddar cheese, and added toppings like bacon, hot peppers, salsa. There would be chicken fingers, chicken wings, various types of burgers and hot dogs, chili and other homemade soups. The soups would be “a soup of the day” kind of thing. Whatever kind of soup struck QV’s fancy. Since it’s a pub I’m thinking we’d need fish and chips with malt vinegar, too.
I want there to be candles on the tables and oil lamps on the walls. I wasn’t going to mention these because my practical self said it would be dangerous to have candles around drunks but this is fantasy and what I would want so I am not allowing my internal editor audit out the things I want.
I would want my guest to be from all walks of life: elderly couples who live in town, bikers that come for the coziness and calmness of the place, rich people looking for something different and expecting to be treated like everyone else, college students, musicians, artists. I want there to be a big tip jar where people would put money to help support local artists. I would want to include local magicians and witches. People with tattoos and piercings. In other words, I want many people who are so different they're getting along and getting to know each other with all kinds of weird ideas floating around in the air and entertaining me.
536
Imagine you opened your own restaurant. Tell the name of your restaurant. Explain what the restaurant looks like, who works there, and what you serve.
I’d like an Irish pub. Small, with booths with windows behind them looking out on a town sidewalk. There would be a bar but no free floating tables, the tables would only be around the walls. It would be open only from noon until eleven. There would be food served until eight pm.
I would call it The Empty Bottle and Crushed Can which is the name of my house’s backyard bar and my basement bar. There would be a wooden plaque painted sign hanging outside over the door. The walls wood be stone and heavy wood beams. The roof would be thatch. The restaurant would have a fireplace on each end. I would encourage acoustic groups and singers to come and practice at my pub. They would get free drinks and food for playing. The lights would be low. There would be some comfortable stuffed chairs around the fire places. Personalized beer mugs would hang behind the bar for patrons who come in all of the time. QV would be the cook and bartender. I would not work there but I would have a table in a back corner where I could watch the people and write. I could watch people come and go and listen to all of the jokes being told by drunks and all of the world fixing and conspiracy theories that drunk people spout in bars. I would hire college students as waiters and waitresses.
We would serve hand cut double fried french fries with a variety of toppings like brown gravy, cheddar cheese, and added toppings like bacon, hot peppers, salsa. There would be chicken fingers, chicken wings, various types of burgers and hot dogs, chili and other homemade soups. The soups would be “a soup of the day” kind of thing. Whatever kind of soup struck QV’s fancy. Since it’s a pub I’m thinking we’d need fish and chips with malt vinegar, too.
I want there to be candles on the tables and oil lamps on the walls. I wasn’t going to mention these because my practical self said it would be dangerous to have candles around drunks but this is fantasy and what I would want so I am not allowing my internal editor audit out the things I want.
I would want my guest to be from all walks of life: elderly couples who live in town, bikers that come for the coziness and calmness of the place, rich people looking for something different and expecting to be treated like everyone else, college students, musicians, artists. I want there to be a big tip jar where people would put money to help support local artists. I would want to include local magicians and witches. People with tattoos and piercings. In other words, I want many people who are so different they're getting along and getting to know each other with all kinds of weird ideas floating around in the air and entertaining me.
536
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
20130213 - morning
I took two Pamprin Multi-symptoms last night and slept all the way through until 3am when I had to get up to pee and then I went back to bed and slept until just now 647am. Eleven hours of sleep. Nice. I also did my Bills Calendar and discovered I should have enough money to pay all of my bills by the end of the month. That helped my mind settle so I could sleep all night. I need to seriously stopped hiding from my financial situations. Some how I got it in my mind that finances are such a private matter that even I shouldn’t know what’s going on with them.
Look I am doing my morning words first. I almost opened up my email but I stopped and opened a new document page and began writing. All of my joints ache, even my finger joints. My left knee really hurts the most. Makes it very hard to walk around. When I am ready, the next thing I am going to add to my first thing to do each day will be 10 minutes of walking in place to get my body moving and ready to go to the gym.
So far I’ve got writing 500 words first thing each morning before I do anything else and not drinking any more coffee. I felt sluggish all day yesterday but I think it did help me sleep during the night. Let’s see if I can think of anything different to talk about. It’s the 50th birthday of The Big Man. They decorated his office yesterday with balloons and streamers. I have to go get him a ice cream birthday cake at noon. We were talking about cakes yesterday and Perfume Girl said Oh, no, I won’t be here. But then I heard her tell someone on the phone she was going to try to come in this afternoon. She’s getting back injections and thinks she’s going to come in - just for our cake?
The Codes is laying on the couch and snoring. He just woke himself up. He got up and moved to the floor to go back to sleep.
It’s 0714 and I need one hundred and fifty words to type. The sun is out. Jenny McCarthy is on Chelsea lately and all they talk about is poop and sex and fat. They are both so friggin’ skinny. I am going to get spinach salad for lunch. I’ve got to keep up my iron intake. I want beef jerky too. I had a bag of teriyaki nuggets yesterday which were really good. Here I am back to talking about food. I have lots of links for journalling topics I will look up some of those for my next journal entry and maybe I won’t bore myself so much. Thirty words to go. And all I can think about is food: where will I stop on the way to work to get some. Then I remember I will be going to Shoprite to get the cake so I can get more food then.
514
Look I am doing my morning words first. I almost opened up my email but I stopped and opened a new document page and began writing. All of my joints ache, even my finger joints. My left knee really hurts the most. Makes it very hard to walk around. When I am ready, the next thing I am going to add to my first thing to do each day will be 10 minutes of walking in place to get my body moving and ready to go to the gym.
So far I’ve got writing 500 words first thing each morning before I do anything else and not drinking any more coffee. I felt sluggish all day yesterday but I think it did help me sleep during the night. Let’s see if I can think of anything different to talk about. It’s the 50th birthday of The Big Man. They decorated his office yesterday with balloons and streamers. I have to go get him a ice cream birthday cake at noon. We were talking about cakes yesterday and Perfume Girl said Oh, no, I won’t be here. But then I heard her tell someone on the phone she was going to try to come in this afternoon. She’s getting back injections and thinks she’s going to come in - just for our cake?
The Codes is laying on the couch and snoring. He just woke himself up. He got up and moved to the floor to go back to sleep.
It’s 0714 and I need one hundred and fifty words to type. The sun is out. Jenny McCarthy is on Chelsea lately and all they talk about is poop and sex and fat. They are both so friggin’ skinny. I am going to get spinach salad for lunch. I’ve got to keep up my iron intake. I want beef jerky too. I had a bag of teriyaki nuggets yesterday which were really good. Here I am back to talking about food. I have lots of links for journalling topics I will look up some of those for my next journal entry and maybe I won’t bore myself so much. Thirty words to go. And all I can think about is food: where will I stop on the way to work to get some. Then I remember I will be going to Shoprite to get the cake so I can get more food then.
514
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
20130212 - morning
1249 - I woke up at 2355 with a full bladder. Tried to go back to sleep and as you can see it hasn't happened. I began thinking about all of my bills and my lack of money to pay them. The Codes has to go back to the Vet today because he's itching again. So here I am writing my first 500 words of the day trying to get out the poison so maybe I can sleep. I took another 10 mg of Meletonin to see if that will help make me sleepy.
I have a vague pain in the left side near my ribs. I keep having thinking I am going to have a heart attack with every little twinge I feel. I used to be fearless as a child and that’s the thing I most miss as I grow older. All of these fears are killing me. They are making me so unhappy. I can’t sleep because f them so I have no energy during the day to do anything or to focus. But all of these things are excuses. I know, I KNOW, that if I do things, I will feel better less afraid. So why can’t I get myself to do them. I feel like I am stuck in mud.
I am watching Game of Thrones as I write this. The letter “o” still sticks on my keyboard. I have to strike it extra hard to get it to come up. Game of Thrones reminds me that I don’t have enough action, enough drama, enough tension, in my writing. I need to make each paragraph, each scene a mini story with things going on. I can use the PACTS sentence to get each mini story done.
I got a letter from the lawyers who didn’t like my response to the courts. They want to talk to me to negotiate a settlement so I guess I have to talk to them. That’s one thing keeping me awake. I don’t want to talk to any of them. Then there was the letter from Merrick with $140.00 in late fees which they say makes me seriously delinquent in my payments. Getting the Xfinity for $100.00 less a month is a step in the right direction, now I need to do more. The problem is I hate all of this money stuff and I resent having to do it which is a character flaw that is causing me serious harm because it’s not like I can’t do it. I just don’t want to.
I have to learn some discipline even if it comes so late in life. I have been spoiled so long that I am hurting myself. I guess this is what comes from being left on my own so much when I was child. I was only ever made to do things I didn’t like so now I can’t do things I don’t like even if I means I am harming myself. One would think self preservation would kick in at some point so I could save myself.
Well, these words at this time of night are a step in the right direction. I didn’t write my first 500 for the last three days, with the excuse that I woke up too late and I forgot but we all know that’s bullshit. So, let’s rededicate myself to this: the first thing I will do each day is write 500 words, each day, every day, no matter when I rise, no matter what else will happen. I will get up with enough time to get this, if nothing else, done each day.
The Game of Thrones sure is a pessimistic story. Everyone breaks his oaths, everyone dies or loses loved ones and of course most of this is true to life which is what’s depressing. There’s so little happiness. But lots of struggles.
I need to put real magic and mystery in the first paragraph of my book. How do I do that in first person? Vincent van Kingmaker has a shadow with him speaking in his ear.
0125 - Off to bed.
685
I have a vague pain in the left side near my ribs. I keep having thinking I am going to have a heart attack with every little twinge I feel. I used to be fearless as a child and that’s the thing I most miss as I grow older. All of these fears are killing me. They are making me so unhappy. I can’t sleep because f them so I have no energy during the day to do anything or to focus. But all of these things are excuses. I know, I KNOW, that if I do things, I will feel better less afraid. So why can’t I get myself to do them. I feel like I am stuck in mud.
I am watching Game of Thrones as I write this. The letter “o” still sticks on my keyboard. I have to strike it extra hard to get it to come up. Game of Thrones reminds me that I don’t have enough action, enough drama, enough tension, in my writing. I need to make each paragraph, each scene a mini story with things going on. I can use the PACTS sentence to get each mini story done.
I got a letter from the lawyers who didn’t like my response to the courts. They want to talk to me to negotiate a settlement so I guess I have to talk to them. That’s one thing keeping me awake. I don’t want to talk to any of them. Then there was the letter from Merrick with $140.00 in late fees which they say makes me seriously delinquent in my payments. Getting the Xfinity for $100.00 less a month is a step in the right direction, now I need to do more. The problem is I hate all of this money stuff and I resent having to do it which is a character flaw that is causing me serious harm because it’s not like I can’t do it. I just don’t want to.
I have to learn some discipline even if it comes so late in life. I have been spoiled so long that I am hurting myself. I guess this is what comes from being left on my own so much when I was child. I was only ever made to do things I didn’t like so now I can’t do things I don’t like even if I means I am harming myself. One would think self preservation would kick in at some point so I could save myself.
Well, these words at this time of night are a step in the right direction. I didn’t write my first 500 for the last three days, with the excuse that I woke up too late and I forgot but we all know that’s bullshit. So, let’s rededicate myself to this: the first thing I will do each day is write 500 words, each day, every day, no matter when I rise, no matter what else will happen. I will get up with enough time to get this, if nothing else, done each day.
The Game of Thrones sure is a pessimistic story. Everyone breaks his oaths, everyone dies or loses loved ones and of course most of this is true to life which is what’s depressing. There’s so little happiness. But lots of struggles.
I need to put real magic and mystery in the first paragraph of my book. How do I do that in first person? Vincent van Kingmaker has a shadow with him speaking in his ear.
0125 - Off to bed.
685
Friday, February 08, 2013
20130208 - morning
I woke up at 0300 but was able to keep most of my anxiety at bay by listening to weird tv shows like Dark Matters - Extra Twist and Mysteries at the Museum. I stayed in bed, resting until 0430. Then I got up. I was going to do all kinds of things before writing like make a list of tv channels that I record and look up George Price’s Altruism Theorem. But I reminded myself that I am trying to build consistency so my first 500 words of the day is important. I was going to do my Flash 55 but all of this can wait.
So I guess I will need to take a loan on my 401k to get things straight. This just doesn’t make me happy. I just keep getting poorer as time goes by. There’s got to be another solution. I’m thinking I will just have to suck it up and straighten out my finances and papers and treat my personal life like it’s my job and be as efficient at home as I am at work. Problem is I resent it so much that I don’t want to do it and I am fighting myself every step of the way. There is also a problem with me feeling embarrassed that I will have to tell other people that I need this fix and I need help and that I didn’t prevent this mess from happening in the first place. Getting coffee...
Things I have to do this morning before I go to work:
water plants
put dirty clothes in basement
take a shower
make a list of TV shows I record so I can set up the list with Xfinity which we are getting today
bring garlic chicken rolls to work for lunch
take care of paper recycle left laying on the coffee table by QC
Let’s see, what else do I want to talk about. This weekend is definitely going to be about finances. Step One is making a list of all of our expenses. Step Two will be to make a calendar of all of the due dates and pay dates. And maybe I will pay something.
I need to research how to respond to the papers I got back from the lawyers who are suing me for my unpaid credit card debt. Hopefully there’s some info on the internet. I will need to read them again and check for dates. I am going to make the spot where the printer is a desk that will keep all of our bills on a spreadsheet and all of our paper calendars so QV can see them at all times. I need to start bugging him to practice his reading, too.
I’ve got to find a way to convince myself that keeping up on all of the organization habits that I know are good behaviors is really good for me and a lot less painful and time consuming than this fixing I will have to do.
So I guess I will need to take a loan on my 401k to get things straight. This just doesn’t make me happy. I just keep getting poorer as time goes by. There’s got to be another solution. I’m thinking I will just have to suck it up and straighten out my finances and papers and treat my personal life like it’s my job and be as efficient at home as I am at work. Problem is I resent it so much that I don’t want to do it and I am fighting myself every step of the way. There is also a problem with me feeling embarrassed that I will have to tell other people that I need this fix and I need help and that I didn’t prevent this mess from happening in the first place. Getting coffee...
Things I have to do this morning before I go to work:
water plants
put dirty clothes in basement
take a shower
make a list of TV shows I record so I can set up the list with Xfinity which we are getting today
bring garlic chicken rolls to work for lunch
take care of paper recycle left laying on the coffee table by QC
Let’s see, what else do I want to talk about. This weekend is definitely going to be about finances. Step One is making a list of all of our expenses. Step Two will be to make a calendar of all of the due dates and pay dates. And maybe I will pay something.
I need to research how to respond to the papers I got back from the lawyers who are suing me for my unpaid credit card debt. Hopefully there’s some info on the internet. I will need to read them again and check for dates. I am going to make the spot where the printer is a desk that will keep all of our bills on a spreadsheet and all of our paper calendars so QV can see them at all times. I need to start bugging him to practice his reading, too.
I’ve got to find a way to convince myself that keeping up on all of the organization habits that I know are good behaviors is really good for me and a lot less painful and time consuming than this fixing I will have to do.
502
Thursday, February 07, 2013
20130207 - morning
0724 - I slept until 0700. Screwed up my timeline but I woke up at 0130, thirsty and in a panic. I wasn’t having problems breathing but I felt funny all over my body like my nerve endings were vibrating all over especially my fingers, wrists, forearms and thighs. I was worried about which bill to pay tomorrow and how they are all due and all about $300 and how My hubby has to fix his unemployment to the correct amount or they are going to start shutting off the electricity and I won’t be able to the the mortgage this month and my parents are so old they are going to start dying soon and if one dies where will the other live and I’m hold with high blood pressure and cholesterol so I’m going to die soon and I have no will and then my hubby’s going to die and I’ll have to sell the house because it’s too big but he loves this house and I turned on the tv to listen to science trying to prove God and astronauts dying on their trip to Mars. I took a deep breath, got up to pee, drank some water and crawled back under the covers and covered my head. I finally fell asleep around 0545 and dreamed about swimming pools that are heated, with forced currents and I never got to swim in it because my mother’s mother died and we had a memorial service in the roadside joint (where the pool was) which was full because the bridge crossing the river at this point in the road was blocked to truck traffic but cars could go around them which caused parking and accident problems in the restaurant’s parking lot. I was young, around 16, trying to hang out with similar aged friends and trying to escape the adults and my little sister (I don’t have a sister) hiding behind columns, in closets and trying to escape in my car.
I have to get ready for work now. I am running late of course.
My back teeth are completely out of alignment. Sometimes my jaw is really off other times I forget about it. I thought of wrapping a necklace around my wrist with my vampire teeth on it while I was trying to sleep in the middle of the night. I did it while I was drinking my coffee this morning. I have to put Da Vinci's Demons and showtime show starting in April on my calendar so I remember to watch it. We’ll have all of the movie channels with Xfinity for $100 less per month. I have to cancel Directv today. I haven’t heard back from the about the extra receiver.
I need to do another 50 words before I can quit and go get dressed. I can’t remember right now if I dreamed about Vincent van Kingmaker. I’ll try to figure it out during the day. I had vague anxiety attacks over work I think I keep forgetting at work. I don’t think there is anything but since I can’t really remember I am not sure. I have to just get my shit together. All of this vague worrying is wearing me the hell out.
I have to get ready for work now. I am running late of course.
My back teeth are completely out of alignment. Sometimes my jaw is really off other times I forget about it. I thought of wrapping a necklace around my wrist with my vampire teeth on it while I was trying to sleep in the middle of the night. I did it while I was drinking my coffee this morning. I have to put Da Vinci's Demons and showtime show starting in April on my calendar so I remember to watch it. We’ll have all of the movie channels with Xfinity for $100 less per month. I have to cancel Directv today. I haven’t heard back from the about the extra receiver.
I need to do another 50 words before I can quit and go get dressed. I can’t remember right now if I dreamed about Vincent van Kingmaker. I’ll try to figure it out during the day. I had vague anxiety attacks over work I think I keep forgetting at work. I don’t think there is anything but since I can’t really remember I am not sure. I have to just get my shit together. All of this vague worrying is wearing me the hell out.
541
Wednesday, February 06, 2013
20130206 - morning
I woke up at 2am needing to pee which I did but then I couldn’t get back to sleep. I had a mini panic attack over money and bills and the extra receiver on our Directv bill. I turned the tv on and listened people who killed their spouses. I fell asleep in about an half hour. My shoulders really hurt the muscles are sore from either the way I hold them up under the pillows or from me laying on them or both.
I decided I’m not going to send my posts from Pupa to Monarch to my twitter feed. That kept me awake too thinking about who may have seen my crazy ramblings. I’m wondering about this now but I have to do my 500 morning words before I can go to my email or FB.
I was in a completely different house in my dreams last night. I rearranged furniture, visited many different rooms and flirted with some guys. I wanted to be with one guy but ended up with one everyone thought I should be with instead. Just before I woke, we went to a crowded mall where the exit was full of killer animals in water. You had to run between their tanks to get out while the animals jumped out of their enclosures to attack you but turns out they are mechanical killer toy animals. People dove into the tanks to try to get the animals like bull fighters. The animals were pretty vicious so some people died from their injuries. That’s when I woke up because the alarm went off.
I usually get up at 0430 but I slept until 0530 this morning because I woke up at two which made me tired.
I’m not going to keep all of the spelling errors in my posts from now on. I can’t take it. What else to say this morning? So far I don’t feel depressed like I did yesterday but I haven’t gotten to work yet. I think I was ok until then. Taking a break to get a cup of coffee. I took an Aleve for my shoulders and I’ve been taking some deep breaths and drinking my seltzer. I was disappointed when I stepped on the scale. I figured since I had one good day I should weigh less than yesterday morning. Didn’t happen of course. Patience just isn’t something I have much of anymore.
The Aleve hasn’t kicked in yet. It’s been about 30 minutes. If I don’t move it feels better when it hurt before without moving.
Dave Grohl is hosting Chelsea Lately. He’s pretty funny. He said he’s doing it to be out of his comfort zone. I need 50 more words. It looks like I can ramble on for 500 words in 30 minutes. That’s good to know. I cup down my todo list my more than half. I took out all of the reminders of things I want to do some time in the future. i took out all of the subjects I want to learn. I’ll have to save all of these things for when I can support myself with my writing. I am happy with the attitude I chose for Vincent van Kingmaker in the Prologue. I want him to be self absorbed and over confident in his opinions and knowledge: in other words a real blow hard.
I decided I’m not going to send my posts from Pupa to Monarch to my twitter feed. That kept me awake too thinking about who may have seen my crazy ramblings. I’m wondering about this now but I have to do my 500 morning words before I can go to my email or FB.
I was in a completely different house in my dreams last night. I rearranged furniture, visited many different rooms and flirted with some guys. I wanted to be with one guy but ended up with one everyone thought I should be with instead. Just before I woke, we went to a crowded mall where the exit was full of killer animals in water. You had to run between their tanks to get out while the animals jumped out of their enclosures to attack you but turns out they are mechanical killer toy animals. People dove into the tanks to try to get the animals like bull fighters. The animals were pretty vicious so some people died from their injuries. That’s when I woke up because the alarm went off.
I usually get up at 0430 but I slept until 0530 this morning because I woke up at two which made me tired.
I’m not going to keep all of the spelling errors in my posts from now on. I can’t take it. What else to say this morning? So far I don’t feel depressed like I did yesterday but I haven’t gotten to work yet. I think I was ok until then. Taking a break to get a cup of coffee. I took an Aleve for my shoulders and I’ve been taking some deep breaths and drinking my seltzer. I was disappointed when I stepped on the scale. I figured since I had one good day I should weigh less than yesterday morning. Didn’t happen of course. Patience just isn’t something I have much of anymore.
The Aleve hasn’t kicked in yet. It’s been about 30 minutes. If I don’t move it feels better when it hurt before without moving.
Dave Grohl is hosting Chelsea Lately. He’s pretty funny. He said he’s doing it to be out of his comfort zone. I need 50 more words. It looks like I can ramble on for 500 words in 30 minutes. That’s good to know. I cup down my todo list my more than half. I took out all of the reminders of things I want to do some time in the future. i took out all of the subjects I want to learn. I’ll have to save all of these things for when I can support myself with my writing. I am happy with the attitude I chose for Vincent van Kingmaker in the Prologue. I want him to be self absorbed and over confident in his opinions and knowledge: in other words a real blow hard.
564
Tuesday, February 05, 2013
20130205 - morning
The obligation of watering the plants every couple of days overwhelms me. I resent having to do it. Brushing my teeth each morning, feeding the dog, putting gas in the car, doing the dishes, laundry, waking up, going to bed, paying bills: I hate all of these things. They depress me. They make me feel hopeless. I want them all to go away. Make them go away. I really hate that every morning a new day starts all over again. Why is this supposed to be a good thing? It just wears me the hell out. It just means doing the same things all over again. They don’t get better. The little elves don’t come out during the night and clean my socks and underpants.
My right shoulder joint, both elbows, my right hip, both knees and my left ankle all hurt. My elbows are sore to the touch like they are inflamed. The rest all ache.
I don’t manage to do anything for an extended period of time. I have no perseverance; no staying power.
It appears like I’m going to be doing a whole lot of whining. This ought to be pretty pathetic.
Spell check is a good thing. I’m grateful for that. I’ve had to use it six times so far just getting to this point. I should leave all of my spelling errors in my journal writing. I wonder if I can do that with out going bonkers apr shit. I’m going to do it. In my first of the morning writing, I’m not going to correct any spelling wrrors. Look there’s two in this paragrapgh (three) already. I may not survive the next hoiur.
I woke up at 0340 this morning. I forced myself to stay in bed with my eyes closed until 0430. I did some breaths counts at the end. I wanted to do 500. I lost count somewhere in the 300’s. I had to restart about ten times.
I watched all three of the Anne of Green Gables yesterday. I love the first two, the third is so disappointing. I always wnder after watching this series what it would be like to have life long friends like in this story. I really just can’t grasp it. I’ve seen friendships like the one between Marilla and Rachell but never a friendship like Anne and Diana. I think I’ve never been able to have a long time friendship because I really do hld grudges. Not like where you actively do things to get back at someone but I just get a broken connection. I can’t forget. I forgive but it’s never the same. I have servere trust issues. It’s like a switch for the feelings serquet (circuit - I didn’t do spell check but I couldn’t leave that word spelled that way. If I was writing with pen and paper I would rip up the page and start over because that was such a bad mistake) gets turned off and then it rusts and it can’t ever be fixed and I’ve never tried rewiring it. That’s not true - I’ve tried twice in the past with two different former friends but it didn’t work. I saw them completely differently and could never resolve myself to the new versions.
I am beyond my 500 word goal for my first goal of the day. Do I stop or is there anything else I want to complain about?
I was awake off and on all night worrying about posting these journal entries for everyone to see. I do I leave them, do I keep them there and public but not post them to my twitter feed and thus to facebook, do I make this a private blog, do I just do it on my drive? I decided to go with my first choice and just leave it as is for all the world to see. Screw it. This is stuff I really think about. I need to clean out the corners of my mind. I have a private hournal already so I need to do something different.
I so want to go back and fix the spelling errors. I am a damaged human being to be so bothered by soemthing so stupid. Back later, gater. Ugh!
My right shoulder joint, both elbows, my right hip, both knees and my left ankle all hurt. My elbows are sore to the touch like they are inflamed. The rest all ache.
I don’t manage to do anything for an extended period of time. I have no perseverance; no staying power.
It appears like I’m going to be doing a whole lot of whining. This ought to be pretty pathetic.
Spell check is a good thing. I’m grateful for that. I’ve had to use it six times so far just getting to this point. I should leave all of my spelling errors in my journal writing. I wonder if I can do that with out going bonkers apr shit. I’m going to do it. In my first of the morning writing, I’m not going to correct any spelling wrrors. Look there’s two in this paragrapgh (three) already. I may not survive the next hoiur.
I woke up at 0340 this morning. I forced myself to stay in bed with my eyes closed until 0430. I did some breaths counts at the end. I wanted to do 500. I lost count somewhere in the 300’s. I had to restart about ten times.
I watched all three of the Anne of Green Gables yesterday. I love the first two, the third is so disappointing. I always wnder after watching this series what it would be like to have life long friends like in this story. I really just can’t grasp it. I’ve seen friendships like the one between Marilla and Rachell but never a friendship like Anne and Diana. I think I’ve never been able to have a long time friendship because I really do hld grudges. Not like where you actively do things to get back at someone but I just get a broken connection. I can’t forget. I forgive but it’s never the same. I have servere trust issues. It’s like a switch for the feelings serquet (circuit - I didn’t do spell check but I couldn’t leave that word spelled that way. If I was writing with pen and paper I would rip up the page and start over because that was such a bad mistake) gets turned off and then it rusts and it can’t ever be fixed and I’ve never tried rewiring it. That’s not true - I’ve tried twice in the past with two different former friends but it didn’t work. I saw them completely differently and could never resolve myself to the new versions.
I am beyond my 500 word goal for my first goal of the day. Do I stop or is there anything else I want to complain about?
I was awake off and on all night worrying about posting these journal entries for everyone to see. I do I leave them, do I keep them there and public but not post them to my twitter feed and thus to facebook, do I make this a private blog, do I just do it on my drive? I decided to go with my first choice and just leave it as is for all the world to see. Screw it. This is stuff I really think about. I need to clean out the corners of my mind. I have a private hournal already so I need to do something different.
I so want to go back and fix the spelling errors. I am a damaged human being to be so bothered by soemthing so stupid. Back later, gater. Ugh!
709 words
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