20130207 - morning

0724 - I slept until 0700. Screwed up my timeline but I woke up at 0130, thirsty and in a panic. I wasn’t having problems breathing but I felt funny all over my body like my nerve endings were vibrating all over especially my fingers, wrists, forearms and thighs. I was worried about which bill to pay tomorrow and how they are all due and all about $300 and how My hubby has to fix his unemployment to the correct amount or they are going to start shutting off the electricity and I won’t be able to the the mortgage this month and my parents are so old they are going to start dying soon and if one dies where will the other live and I’m hold with high blood pressure and cholesterol so I’m going to die soon and I have no will and then my hubby’s going to die and I’ll have to sell the house because it’s too big but he loves this house and I turned on the tv to listen to science trying to prove God and astronauts dying on their trip to Mars. I took a deep breath, got up to pee, drank some water and crawled back under the covers and covered my head. I finally fell asleep around 0545 and dreamed about swimming pools that are heated, with forced currents and I never got to swim in it because my mother’s mother died and we had a memorial service in the roadside joint (where the pool was) which was full because the bridge crossing the river at this point in the road was blocked to truck traffic but cars could go around them which caused parking and accident problems in the restaurant’s parking lot. I was young, around 16, trying to hang out with similar aged friends and trying to escape the adults and my little sister (I don’t have a sister) hiding behind columns, in closets and trying to escape in my car.

I have to get ready for work now. I am running late of course.

My back teeth are completely out of alignment. Sometimes my jaw is really off other times I forget about it. I thought of wrapping a necklace around my wrist with my vampire teeth on it while I was trying to sleep in the middle of the night. I did it while I was drinking my coffee this morning. I have to put Da Vinci's Demons and showtime show starting in April on my calendar so I remember to watch it. We’ll have all of the movie channels with Xfinity for $100 less per month. I have to cancel Directv today. I haven’t heard back from the about the extra receiver.

I need to do another 50 words before I can quit and go get dressed. I can’t remember right now if I dreamed about Vincent van Kingmaker. I’ll try to figure it out during the day. I had vague anxiety attacks over work I think I keep forgetting at work. I don’t think there is anything but since I can’t really remember I am not sure. I have to just get my shit together. All of this vague worrying is wearing me the hell out.

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20130206 - morning

I woke up at 2am needing to pee which I did but then I couldn’t get back to sleep. I had a mini panic attack over money and bills and the extra receiver on our Directv bill. I turned the tv on and listened people who killed their spouses. I fell asleep in about an half hour. My shoulders really hurt the muscles are sore from either the way I hold them up under the pillows or from me laying on them or both.

I decided I’m not going to send my posts from Pupa to Monarch to my twitter feed. That kept me awake too thinking about who may have seen my crazy ramblings. I’m wondering about this now but I have to do my 500 morning words before I can go to my email or FB.

I was in a completely different house in my dreams last night. I rearranged furniture, visited many different rooms and flirted with some guys. I wanted to be with one guy but ended up with one everyone thought I should be with instead. Just before I woke, we went to a crowded mall where the exit was full of killer animals in water. You had to run between their tanks to get out while the animals jumped out of their enclosures to attack you but turns out they are mechanical killer toy animals. People dove into the tanks to try to get the animals like bull fighters. The animals were pretty vicious so some people died from their injuries. That’s when I woke up because the alarm went off.

I usually get up at 0430 but I slept until 0530 this morning because I woke up at two which made me tired.

I’m not going to keep all of the spelling errors in my posts from now on. I can’t take it. What else to say this morning? So far I don’t feel depressed like I did yesterday but I haven’t gotten to work yet. I think I was ok until then. Taking a break to get a cup of coffee. I took an Aleve for my shoulders and I’ve been taking some deep breaths and drinking my seltzer. I was disappointed when I stepped on the scale. I figured since I had one good day I should weigh less than yesterday morning. Didn’t happen of course. Patience just isn’t something I have much of anymore.

The Aleve hasn’t kicked in yet. It’s been about 30 minutes. If I don’t move it feels better when it hurt before without moving.

Dave Grohl is hosting Chelsea Lately. He’s pretty funny. He said he’s doing it to be out of his comfort zone. I need 50 more words. It looks like I can ramble on for 500 words in 30 minutes. That’s good to know. I cup down my todo list my more than half. I took out all of the reminders of things I want to do some time in the future. i took out all of the subjects I want to learn. I’ll have to save all of these things for when I can support myself with my writing. I am happy with the attitude I chose for Vincent van Kingmaker in the Prologue. I want him to be self absorbed and over confident in his opinions and knowledge: in other words a real blow hard.

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20130205 - morning

The obligation of watering the plants every couple of days overwhelms me. I resent having to do it. Brushing my teeth each morning, feeding the dog, putting gas in the car, doing the dishes, laundry, waking up, going to bed, paying bills: I hate all of these things. They depress me. They make me feel hopeless. I want them all to go away. Make them go away. I really hate that every morning a new day starts all over again. Why is this supposed to be a good thing? It just wears me the hell out. It just means doing the same things all over again. They don’t get better. The little elves don’t come out during the night and clean my socks and underpants.

My right shoulder joint, both elbows, my right hip, both knees and my left ankle all hurt. My elbows are sore to the touch like they are inflamed. The rest all ache.

I don’t manage to do anything for an extended period of time. I have no perseverance; no staying power.

It appears like I’m going to be doing a whole lot of whining. This ought to be pretty pathetic.

Spell check is a good thing. I’m grateful for that. I’ve had to use it six times so far just getting to this point. I should leave all of my spelling errors in my journal writing. I wonder if I can do that with out going bonkers apr shit. I’m going to do it. In my first of the morning writing, I’m not going to correct any spelling wrrors. Look there’s two in this paragrapgh (three) already. I may not survive the next hoiur.

I woke up at 0340 this morning. I forced myself to stay in bed with my eyes closed until 0430. I did some breaths counts at the end. I wanted to do 500. I lost count somewhere in the 300’s. I had to restart about ten times.

I watched all three of the Anne of Green Gables yesterday. I love the first two, the third is so disappointing. I always wnder after watching this series what it would be like to have life long friends like in this story. I really just can’t grasp it. I’ve seen friendships like the one between Marilla and  Rachell but never a friendship like Anne and Diana. I think I’ve never been able to have a long time friendship because I really do hld grudges. Not like where you actively do things to get back at someone but I just get a broken connection. I can’t forget. I forgive but it’s never the same. I have servere trust issues. It’s like a switch for the feelings serquet (circuit - I didn’t do spell check but I couldn’t leave that word spelled that way. If I was writing with pen and paper I would rip up the page and start over because that was such a bad mistake) gets turned off and then it rusts and it can’t ever be fixed and I’ve never tried rewiring it. That’s not true - I’ve tried twice in the past with two different former friends but it didn’t work. I saw them completely differently and could never resolve myself to the new versions.

I am beyond my 500 word goal for my first goal of the day. Do I stop or is there anything else I want to complain about?

I was awake off and on all night worrying about posting these journal entries for everyone to see. I do I leave them, do I keep them there and public but not post them to my twitter feed and thus to facebook, do I make this a private blog, do I just do it on my drive? I decided to go with my first choice and just leave it as is for all the world to see. Screw it. This is stuff I really think about. I need to clean out the corners of my mind. I have a private hournal already so I need to do something different.

I so want to go back and fix the spelling errors. I am a damaged human being to be so bothered by soemthing so stupid. Back later, gater. Ugh!

709 words