I took a personality test yesterday. I came up as this personality type: INTJ consisting of Introvert 82% (extrovert), Intuition 12% (sensing), Thinking 4% (feeling) and Judging 6% (perceiving). Opposites of my traits are in parenthesis. Not much of a surprise that I am mostly an Introvert. Just another confirmation of why I act the way I do in the “real” world. I am working on being ok with my self-contained self. I long to be able to make small talk or mingle in a crowd of more than two or feign interest in the same stories I’ve heard more than once. But no matter how hard I try, it just doesn’t happen. I should stop trying to be what I am not and work on being the best me I can be.
I wanted to remember my dreams from last night and I did when I first woke up but then I went back to bed and turned the TV on and I lost them all. There was a winding road and car accidents and a house with very old things in it that I liked rooting through. There was also car accidents from racing wildly on the road and several dead people. There was one man who was in a relationship with one woman but when another woman lay on the ground dying (or as he thought she was dying) he professed his love for the dying woman as the first woman stood looking on in the background. I guess I remembered more than I thought I did.
My money showed up in my account this morning. We’ll be able to breath a bit easier for a little while at least. If QV goes back to work by the end of the month like he’s supposed to then we should be ok. We will be able to get the bedroom done finally, finish the closet by putting in corner shelves and installing sliding doors. Then we’ll be getting IKEA cabinets and a king size bed with a new mattress. Yay! We are putting in a floating counter under the front windows going from cabinet to cabinet as a desk/vanity. We are also putting in floating side tables on each side of the bed. I want as much off of the floor as possible.
We are getting a new couch in the living room, too. Can stand the piece of crap we currently have. It was a freebie from one of QV’s brother’s friends and it is worn out and way too low to the ground. We’re looking at a leather couch so The Codes’ hair is easier to clean up. I have bed sheet suspenders ordered from Amazon so I can clip a cover over the couch and it won’t slip so The Codes nails don’t poke through the leather.
Those are the big things. There are smaller projects that need to be finished, like the electrical plugs in the kitchen over the sink and putting up my art on the living room walls.
I was contacted by one of my co-workers from my old job. She’d like to stay in touch. I am glad someone does. After 16 years, you’d think someone would have the balls to still talk to me. I know they must all feel weird but come on. Anyway, I’m happy at least one person still wants me. :)
The guy is here from PSE&G to fix the heater. It blows cold air sometimes when it comes on even though the pilot light is on.
The Xfinity guy is due here this morning too. He is coming to give me a new DVR box since I can’t get any of my Premium channels. I just noticed I am missing some of my recordings. I wonder if I deleted them by accident since the remote and the box don’t communicate very well with each other. Sometimes you press the remote and it doesn’t connect with the box. Then when you press the button too many times out of frustration then it does too many things at once and you end up deleting shows. I hope the new box fixes all of that.
A bit wordy today.
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Showing posts with label journal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label journal. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Monday, March 11, 2013
Mosey into Monday
1121 I’m writing late today. I’ve decided to take it easy on Mondays and do my schedule/list in whatever order strikes my fancy.
I slept late today (0715.) I slept all night long. I had some cool dreams. I barely remember most of them. Something about my mother getting diabetes (she talked about this several times yesterday so not very revealing except about my inability not to obsess over things she says.) As I lay in bed last night, I thought about how bad i always feel when I spend any amount of time in her presence. I can never speak the truth of what I feel or think because she then goes off in very inappropriate tangents or tells me I’m wrong/bad/crazy. I feel like I am walking through a minefield. I get all itchy and vibraty feeling. And it lasts for days afterwards. This makes me so sad, I could cry whenever I think of her. When I compare the relationship I have with her and the relationship my daughter and I have together. My daughter, The Snoogs, and I are best friends as well as mother/daughter. The relationship I have with my mother is defined by fear on my part. She mostly doesn’t like much about me. There’s duty. Maybe some sort of love she feels she must have for me. When she hugs me and kisses me it feels like I’m up against a dead, floppy fish and this pains me in my soul. I am on the verge of tears right now.
Boy that was a tangent. This looking at my feelings is time consuming and upsetting. No wonder I never did it before. :)
So in my dreams last night I fought off bullies. I was in college. (I’m jumping around here.) I lived in a camper with a male roommate who was very hot and fun and funny. I went out to a lot of clubs with girlfriends. I loved my roommate but it was unrequited until the very end when I was going to leave our living arrangements because I needed to move on and staying with our relationship the way it was hurt me. So I was leaving and then he realized he couldn’t live without me. I went to some sort of stage show. I was the only white person in the audience. The show was shut down less than half way through the program - I don’t remember why. I rioted. No one else did. They just left. Some football players were picking on another student. I lept over a railing and beat the quarterback back and yelled at him. We were all at a NASCAR race but it was at a school. So I brught the bullied student up in the stands with my friends and it turned out he had a bomb and guns and he was going to kill everyone and I couldn’t talk him out of it so I had to turn him into the police (he wouldn’t give up his tool kit) so they could deactivate the bomb.
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I slept late today (0715.) I slept all night long. I had some cool dreams. I barely remember most of them. Something about my mother getting diabetes (she talked about this several times yesterday so not very revealing except about my inability not to obsess over things she says.) As I lay in bed last night, I thought about how bad i always feel when I spend any amount of time in her presence. I can never speak the truth of what I feel or think because she then goes off in very inappropriate tangents or tells me I’m wrong/bad/crazy. I feel like I am walking through a minefield. I get all itchy and vibraty feeling. And it lasts for days afterwards. This makes me so sad, I could cry whenever I think of her. When I compare the relationship I have with her and the relationship my daughter and I have together. My daughter, The Snoogs, and I are best friends as well as mother/daughter. The relationship I have with my mother is defined by fear on my part. She mostly doesn’t like much about me. There’s duty. Maybe some sort of love she feels she must have for me. When she hugs me and kisses me it feels like I’m up against a dead, floppy fish and this pains me in my soul. I am on the verge of tears right now.
Boy that was a tangent. This looking at my feelings is time consuming and upsetting. No wonder I never did it before. :)
So in my dreams last night I fought off bullies. I was in college. (I’m jumping around here.) I lived in a camper with a male roommate who was very hot and fun and funny. I went out to a lot of clubs with girlfriends. I loved my roommate but it was unrequited until the very end when I was going to leave our living arrangements because I needed to move on and staying with our relationship the way it was hurt me. So I was leaving and then he realized he couldn’t live without me. I went to some sort of stage show. I was the only white person in the audience. The show was shut down less than half way through the program - I don’t remember why. I rioted. No one else did. They just left. Some football players were picking on another student. I lept over a railing and beat the quarterback back and yelled at him. We were all at a NASCAR race but it was at a school. So I brught the bullied student up in the stands with my friends and it turned out he had a bomb and guns and he was going to kill everyone and I couldn’t talk him out of it so I had to turn him into the police (he wouldn’t give up his tool kit) so they could deactivate the bomb.
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Sunday, March 10, 2013
A Blank Page
Words are eluding me this morning. I woke at 0400 (the old time) with a full bladder and the MM laying on top of my head and nudging me out of bed. I couldn’t get back to sleep even after I moved him over for more room. Ever since my mother said she was worried I’d never get a job if I didn’t start looking now I’ve been having mini panic attacks. I’ve begun seriously doubting my self. I’ve been telling myself how inadequate and worthless I am. I’ve been trying to explore these thoughts and feelings instead of pushing them away but it’s painful and hard. Still I move forward despite feelings of sheer terror.
I’ve gone through 4 weeks of HTTS. I’ve gotten my novel notebook which I like much better than a steno pad. I’ve discovered that I can only make lists and outlines in top bound paper pads. I need side bound notebooks for writing anything else. And of course, they must lie flat or they are no good at all. My PACTS sentence for tSLBoM is getting better but it’s still not good enough yet. I took out the names because they are not descriptive. I’ve got Mary as a grandmother but I need a powerful adjective for her which I can’t seem to get. I am handing it over to Fiona to see what she can suggest to Fred.
Fiona is my Muse. Fred is my right brain and Frank is my left brain. I am curious as to why they all have names that begin with “f.” I’m sure that is somehow significant.
My novel notebook is all numbered. I wrote my wants and needs for the project on page one. I’ve got Mary, Vincent van Kingmaker and Aiden each on their own page and I wrote a theme a few pages back. My theme is loosely Want vs. Need.
I picked out a new couch at Jaron’s. QV and I will go look at it on Monday. My 401k account has been closed so we should get that money soon. Then, I’ll be able to get all of our bills caught up, debts paid off, the bedroom finished and maybe truly have a breather.
The Snoogs forgot The MM’s suitcase yesterday. I had to go to Target and buy him some clothes for the weekend. I haven’t shopped for little kids clothes in 25 years. Target had very little for 3 year old boys. What little they did have was mostly shorts. No jeans, only cargo pants. I had to settle for athletic type pants. I did find a Star Wars shirt he really liked and Angry Birds underwear that thrilled him, too. We’ll be meeting O & O and the nephew at the park for a walk since it’s supposed to be another sunny day then go over to O & O’s house where the Snoogs will meet us later and take The MM home. They are going to Florida in a week to help The Pirate’s grandparents with their house and to move into old folks homes.
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I’ve gone through 4 weeks of HTTS. I’ve gotten my novel notebook which I like much better than a steno pad. I’ve discovered that I can only make lists and outlines in top bound paper pads. I need side bound notebooks for writing anything else. And of course, they must lie flat or they are no good at all. My PACTS sentence for tSLBoM is getting better but it’s still not good enough yet. I took out the names because they are not descriptive. I’ve got Mary as a grandmother but I need a powerful adjective for her which I can’t seem to get. I am handing it over to Fiona to see what she can suggest to Fred.
Fiona is my Muse. Fred is my right brain and Frank is my left brain. I am curious as to why they all have names that begin with “f.” I’m sure that is somehow significant.
My novel notebook is all numbered. I wrote my wants and needs for the project on page one. I’ve got Mary, Vincent van Kingmaker and Aiden each on their own page and I wrote a theme a few pages back. My theme is loosely Want vs. Need.
I picked out a new couch at Jaron’s. QV and I will go look at it on Monday. My 401k account has been closed so we should get that money soon. Then, I’ll be able to get all of our bills caught up, debts paid off, the bedroom finished and maybe truly have a breather.
The Snoogs forgot The MM’s suitcase yesterday. I had to go to Target and buy him some clothes for the weekend. I haven’t shopped for little kids clothes in 25 years. Target had very little for 3 year old boys. What little they did have was mostly shorts. No jeans, only cargo pants. I had to settle for athletic type pants. I did find a Star Wars shirt he really liked and Angry Birds underwear that thrilled him, too. We’ll be meeting O & O and the nephew at the park for a walk since it’s supposed to be another sunny day then go over to O & O’s house where the Snoogs will meet us later and take The MM home. They are going to Florida in a week to help The Pirate’s grandparents with their house and to move into old folks homes.
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Saturday, March 09, 2013
Scared Straight
It’s amazing how one short comment from my mother can set off a panic attack where no fear existed before. She asked me yesterday if I had begun looking for a job yet. I reminded her that I was taking the month of March for myself. I would not rush into something I would hate again. Her response, “That’s what worries me. Jobs are hard to come by.” I said, “One month wouldn’t make that much of a difference.” She did not agree. And I immediately got scared that I would not survive if I didn’t run out and get something NOW. My first reaction was to try to stuff it down. Yesterday was the first time I shoved food into my mouth. I decided to look at my fear instead. To talk through it. I was able to stop eating and I felt better. My fear resurfaced at bedtime and I refused to ignore it again and it went away. I did however wake up afraid that my parents were dead. I looked at that too and it went away.
I’m thinking my ability to ignore things and push them away no longer does me any good. I am an adult and I have some power to deal with things. I can turn problems into opportunities as Holly would say, so no more ignoring. All it does is create panic which does nothing good for me.
I went through 3 chapters of How To Think Sideways. I am asking Fiona, my MUSE, to nudge Fred, my right brain, into giving me better name ideas for the demon/god character in The Salt Lover’s Book of Magic (tSLBoM.) He is a primordial god, an early god, so I’m thinking he may have been called Anu at one time. He has lived on throughout the centuries so he’s had many names. What I need is his current name, which needs to sound cool and not hokey, in our current language. I’ve worked out that Vincent’s stories will be told in third person. Mary’s stories will be letters she writes to Vincent. And Anu’s stories will be in first person because he’s a god and thinks himself the center of the universe.
The MM will be here in about an hour and a half. He will stay until tomorrow. We will be going up to my parents because the 1st niece and her son will be there and The MM loves to see his cousin, who is his best friend.
The TV in the livingroom is still not working. We have none of the premium channels which is not good because we don’t have Disney JR. for The MM to watch. I told The Snoogs to send his DVD’s so he can watch Wreck-It Ralph. I will call Comcast again today to see what’s going on with the fix for the DVR box. Stupid new equipment. I’m starting to get pissed off. It’s annoying and of course they will expect us to pay for the full month even though we couldn’t use the box properly.
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I’m thinking my ability to ignore things and push them away no longer does me any good. I am an adult and I have some power to deal with things. I can turn problems into opportunities as Holly would say, so no more ignoring. All it does is create panic which does nothing good for me.
I went through 3 chapters of How To Think Sideways. I am asking Fiona, my MUSE, to nudge Fred, my right brain, into giving me better name ideas for the demon/god character in The Salt Lover’s Book of Magic (tSLBoM.) He is a primordial god, an early god, so I’m thinking he may have been called Anu at one time. He has lived on throughout the centuries so he’s had many names. What I need is his current name, which needs to sound cool and not hokey, in our current language. I’ve worked out that Vincent’s stories will be told in third person. Mary’s stories will be letters she writes to Vincent. And Anu’s stories will be in first person because he’s a god and thinks himself the center of the universe.
The MM will be here in about an hour and a half. He will stay until tomorrow. We will be going up to my parents because the 1st niece and her son will be there and The MM loves to see his cousin, who is his best friend.
The TV in the livingroom is still not working. We have none of the premium channels which is not good because we don’t have Disney JR. for The MM to watch. I told The Snoogs to send his DVD’s so he can watch Wreck-It Ralph. I will call Comcast again today to see what’s going on with the fix for the DVR box. Stupid new equipment. I’m starting to get pissed off. It’s annoying and of course they will expect us to pay for the full month even though we couldn’t use the box properly.
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Friday, March 08, 2013
a Whole Week
I made it through a whole week. A very productive week. I got lots done without too much stress.
I am disappointed that I reached out to her and she ignored my extended hand. I said I hope we can keep in touch at least over FB and I got no response back. So that’s my answer. I am not surprised. I should have known better but I took a shot. I also did a like to DM and was ignored. I need to leave it alone. They’ll all know me when I become a famous author. And then when I ignore them they can call me a snob to the press and then I’ll be able to tell my story. Not bitter much? Maybe a little.
What can I talk about today? I am ready to bang out The Salt Lover’s Book of Magic. I have my notebook and my cards and I’ve got my How To Think Sideways notebook. I even found my backup hard drive. I’ll be able to move over pictures. But that’s a side task that I will do after writing. I have 23 days to finish tSLBoM. That’s 23 full days not to be interrupted by any other things. I should take out the weekends because they will be taken up by The MM. Tomorrow, I’m taking him to O & O. 1st Niece will be there with my nephew. The MM will be thrilled. I won’t tell him until he’s there just in case 1st Niece changes her mind which she does. She wants her wedding to be on a cruise. Perfect, since I don’t like cruises and I have no money for a cruise. Then of course O & O won’t want to go.
The words aren’t coming so easily this morning. I was mad at QV because once again he didn’t come home until 1830. We ate dinner after seven again. He was discussing work with Big R. Yeah. OK. He wasn’t just drinking.
The DVR in the living room is not working. We can’t get any of the premium channels. I called several times to try several things and nothing worked. It’s still not working this morning so I will need to call again.
I slept well again last night. Fell right to sleep and didn’t wake up until 0515 and was wide awake today so I just got up. I had some neat dreams again but I can’t remember the content at all. I lost the subject as soon as I woke up.
I feel like I should go somewhere today just because I haven’t driven anywhere since Sunday but I really don’t feel like it. I plan on going to the library again over the weekend. I was thinking of asking BW if she wants to go to lunch or something later next week. Maybe go to the movies. Once I get my money, I’ll be going to IKEA to get our bedroom furniture. I will be the bedroom done. That’s my major goal besides paying off all of our debt so we don’t get any more calls from those vultures. And no more Credit cards from now on. We don’t need them.
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I am disappointed that I reached out to her and she ignored my extended hand. I said I hope we can keep in touch at least over FB and I got no response back. So that’s my answer. I am not surprised. I should have known better but I took a shot. I also did a like to DM and was ignored. I need to leave it alone. They’ll all know me when I become a famous author. And then when I ignore them they can call me a snob to the press and then I’ll be able to tell my story. Not bitter much? Maybe a little.
What can I talk about today? I am ready to bang out The Salt Lover’s Book of Magic. I have my notebook and my cards and I’ve got my How To Think Sideways notebook. I even found my backup hard drive. I’ll be able to move over pictures. But that’s a side task that I will do after writing. I have 23 days to finish tSLBoM. That’s 23 full days not to be interrupted by any other things. I should take out the weekends because they will be taken up by The MM. Tomorrow, I’m taking him to O & O. 1st Niece will be there with my nephew. The MM will be thrilled. I won’t tell him until he’s there just in case 1st Niece changes her mind which she does. She wants her wedding to be on a cruise. Perfect, since I don’t like cruises and I have no money for a cruise. Then of course O & O won’t want to go.
The words aren’t coming so easily this morning. I was mad at QV because once again he didn’t come home until 1830. We ate dinner after seven again. He was discussing work with Big R. Yeah. OK. He wasn’t just drinking.
The DVR in the living room is not working. We can’t get any of the premium channels. I called several times to try several things and nothing worked. It’s still not working this morning so I will need to call again.
I slept well again last night. Fell right to sleep and didn’t wake up until 0515 and was wide awake today so I just got up. I had some neat dreams again but I can’t remember the content at all. I lost the subject as soon as I woke up.
I feel like I should go somewhere today just because I haven’t driven anywhere since Sunday but I really don’t feel like it. I plan on going to the library again over the weekend. I was thinking of asking BW if she wants to go to lunch or something later next week. Maybe go to the movies. Once I get my money, I’ll be going to IKEA to get our bedroom furniture. I will be the bedroom done. That’s my major goal besides paying off all of our debt so we don’t get any more calls from those vultures. And no more Credit cards from now on. We don’t need them.
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Thursday, March 07, 2013
Breaking Time
I took a break yesterday after I finished reworking all of my blogs and websites. I’ve made them all similar and made the copyright and Find Me spots just one place that all of the blogs and my website link back to so I only ever have to change one place from now on and they will be consistent. After that, I read for a bit. I started drinking margaritas at 1600 so then I didn’t do much of anything at all after that. I went to bed at 1930.
QV wasn’t home yet. He was kidnapped at 1400 by Big R. QV thought he was actually going to do something because Big R said he was on a mission. The only mission he was on was to go to Derby’s (the most diviest dive in town - it’s quite famous around here) and cash his check (old habits die hard for some people) and he was already drunk when he picked QV up.
QV wasn’t going to take his coat but I talked him into taking it just in case and he needed it. He hates it when I’m right. Come to think of it, most people hate it when I am right. Maybe I really need to start not telling people what they should do. I wonder if I can do that?
Look, three paragraphs that didn’t start with “I.”
The Snoogs asked me if I would consider babysitting The MM for two weeks this month while her MIL and FIL go to Florida to take care of her FIL father and his wife who need to go into homes (for some reason want to go into separate homes.) I got mad. I said no. I wanted March, this first month of unemployment, just for what I want to do. She got the message. I actually got quite hysterical but she didn’t hate me.
My emotions are a bit on a roller coaster right now. I am getting a little excited over the smallest things. Yesterday morning, I got out of hand when QV asked how to mail my papers back to TMS. He didn’t know about buying stamps. I got incredulous to the point of near insanity. Very out of proportion to the situation.
Kate Walsh (actress) said on Chelsea Lately it feels a bit like being some sort of weird criminal being out of work all of a sudden after working steady for so many years. That’s kind of how I feel sometimes.
I’m going to write today and fold clothes in the basement. My 401k went up $2,800 since I got fired. That’s a good thing because we’re going to need that money to live on for the next several months. I’ve got to build a steady daily routine for the week days. It’s already 0928 and I haven’t done much of anything except this writing but to be fair, I slept until 0830 (my first time sleeping late) and I shouldn’t - I mean I don’t want - to put so much pressure on myself this month. March is for me.
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QV wasn’t home yet. He was kidnapped at 1400 by Big R. QV thought he was actually going to do something because Big R said he was on a mission. The only mission he was on was to go to Derby’s (the most diviest dive in town - it’s quite famous around here) and cash his check (old habits die hard for some people) and he was already drunk when he picked QV up.
QV wasn’t going to take his coat but I talked him into taking it just in case and he needed it. He hates it when I’m right. Come to think of it, most people hate it when I am right. Maybe I really need to start not telling people what they should do. I wonder if I can do that?
Look, three paragraphs that didn’t start with “I.”
The Snoogs asked me if I would consider babysitting The MM for two weeks this month while her MIL and FIL go to Florida to take care of her FIL father and his wife who need to go into homes (for some reason want to go into separate homes.) I got mad. I said no. I wanted March, this first month of unemployment, just for what I want to do. She got the message. I actually got quite hysterical but she didn’t hate me.
My emotions are a bit on a roller coaster right now. I am getting a little excited over the smallest things. Yesterday morning, I got out of hand when QV asked how to mail my papers back to TMS. He didn’t know about buying stamps. I got incredulous to the point of near insanity. Very out of proportion to the situation.
Kate Walsh (actress) said on Chelsea Lately it feels a bit like being some sort of weird criminal being out of work all of a sudden after working steady for so many years. That’s kind of how I feel sometimes.
I’m going to write today and fold clothes in the basement. My 401k went up $2,800 since I got fired. That’s a good thing because we’re going to need that money to live on for the next several months. I’ve got to build a steady daily routine for the week days. It’s already 0928 and I haven’t done much of anything except this writing but to be fair, I slept until 0830 (my first time sleeping late) and I shouldn’t - I mean I don’t want - to put so much pressure on myself this month. March is for me.
518
Wednesday, March 06, 2013
Tumbling in Cars
I got so much done yesterday on my first day of my new life. I’m not going through my whole list of things I got done but it is a long list. I didn’t spend any time sneaking or gorging food. I did take my walk with The Codes. Housework, personal business and writing business. All done yesterday. I did still kind of feel lost at various periods throughout the day but that is to be expected. Today is exactly one week since he did the deed. I think I have been managing pretty well. I think about TMS on occasion. My first instinct is to block all memories and feelings related to him and TMS but then I remind myself it is best to deal with my feelings and thoughts rather than try to block the bad energy. I think this new attitude is healthy.
I was afraid to go to sleep again. I don’t feel exhausted and depressed and browbeaten to tiredness so I think I won’t be able to sleep but as soon as I decided to do it, I fell right to sleep and I slept through from 2200 to 0600 without waking (well, I think I woke once but I didn’t look at the clock. I just rolled over and went back to sleep.)
I dreamed about the Shameless house. I dreamed about refinishing floors and about trying to sweep up the powdery dust but my broom was old and useless. I dreamed my dead aunt Rosa was no longer dead but about 90 years old and she was going back to school to finish her degree. She never went to college in real life but the point of the dream was that she was old and still very excited about her life and she never gives up. There was lots of traveling in cars with lots of people. We were escaping from something or someone, I can’t remember who or what, and the car went so fast it flipped into a farmer’s field and rolled and rolled and rolled. But we were all ok and jumped out, got our things and moved on. That’s when I woke up.
I got all of my papers from TMS for COBRA and my 401k and I already filled them all out and have them in an envelope to send back. I considered putting it off just because I was afraid of them (silly I know) but I did them because I am taking care of my business as if I was taking care of someone else’s business. That change in perspective has helped.
Snow has been predicted for today. None so far. I was looking forward to seeing it when I woke up. The sky does look a bit heavy.
I drank three glasses of Margaritas last night. They tasted so good. I said wake until 2200 (2130 in the livingroom working on my blogs) and yet I did not feel exhausted and worn out. I am already needing less sleep just because I am not depressed all of the time. Not depressed. Not disappointed. Not bored.
520
I was afraid to go to sleep again. I don’t feel exhausted and depressed and browbeaten to tiredness so I think I won’t be able to sleep but as soon as I decided to do it, I fell right to sleep and I slept through from 2200 to 0600 without waking (well, I think I woke once but I didn’t look at the clock. I just rolled over and went back to sleep.)
I dreamed about the Shameless house. I dreamed about refinishing floors and about trying to sweep up the powdery dust but my broom was old and useless. I dreamed my dead aunt Rosa was no longer dead but about 90 years old and she was going back to school to finish her degree. She never went to college in real life but the point of the dream was that she was old and still very excited about her life and she never gives up. There was lots of traveling in cars with lots of people. We were escaping from something or someone, I can’t remember who or what, and the car went so fast it flipped into a farmer’s field and rolled and rolled and rolled. But we were all ok and jumped out, got our things and moved on. That’s when I woke up.
I got all of my papers from TMS for COBRA and my 401k and I already filled them all out and have them in an envelope to send back. I considered putting it off just because I was afraid of them (silly I know) but I did them because I am taking care of my business as if I was taking care of someone else’s business. That change in perspective has helped.
Snow has been predicted for today. None so far. I was looking forward to seeing it when I woke up. The sky does look a bit heavy.
I drank three glasses of Margaritas last night. They tasted so good. I said wake until 2200 (2130 in the livingroom working on my blogs) and yet I did not feel exhausted and worn out. I am already needing less sleep just because I am not depressed all of the time. Not depressed. Not disappointed. Not bored.
520
Tuesday, March 05, 2013
Dreams of Karma
I was afraid to go to sleep last night. The MM was gone from a three day weekend and real life loomed before me in all its fear inducing unknownness. I was afraid to go to sleep because I thought I wouldn’t be able to sleep. That I would lie awake and brood on my lack of employment; on the way things went down; on how I could have done things differently.
I decided yesterday, again, that I would not run away from my feelings and thoughts. Instead of trying to ignore how I felt and think of other things, I decided I would investigate how I felt and the thoughts I was having. So at 2130, I laid my head down, closed my eyes and gave it a shot. I put the TV on dull light and on the timer. I fell asleep quickly. I did wake up at 0230, like I used to do always in the past, but I think maybe something happens at that time, some noise or something, that wakes me up at that time. I was able to go right back to sleep.
I dreamed of getting fired last night. I was accused of attempting to mess things up on the computers I left behind. But instead, things went very wrong just because I was no longer there. In an attempt to pay me back for this, he tried to set me up by planting something he owns in the box of things I was taking with me. But I had my cardboard box rigged with that paint they put in money at banks when banks are robbed. When he called the police to accuse me, I turned on my light and it showed footprints leading back to him and his fingerprints on the “stolen” item and on top of that it showed where he stole a necklace from me and had it in his glowing pocket. He was arrested and his mug shot was shown on TV with the caption “Not only did he fire her after 16 years of dedicated service for no good reason, but he tried to frame her for theft and he stole a piece of costume jewelry selling for $3.99 at a discount store.” Karma took care of my revenge.
My brain was telling me it would be ok. I just need to move forward with my own agenda and let the rest of the world take care of itself.
Today is the first day of my new job: writing fiction. Today will be an organizing day. A day to figure out my new routine. I must treat my work hours at home as I would have done at TMS. I was able to get lots done there by being very organized. That’s what I want to do here. Treat my life like I was running someone else’s business. If I can do that then I will be good.
I am happy that so far I am not depressed. I feel hopeful even though at some points during the day I feel a little like a rudderless boat.
521
I decided yesterday, again, that I would not run away from my feelings and thoughts. Instead of trying to ignore how I felt and think of other things, I decided I would investigate how I felt and the thoughts I was having. So at 2130, I laid my head down, closed my eyes and gave it a shot. I put the TV on dull light and on the timer. I fell asleep quickly. I did wake up at 0230, like I used to do always in the past, but I think maybe something happens at that time, some noise or something, that wakes me up at that time. I was able to go right back to sleep.
I dreamed of getting fired last night. I was accused of attempting to mess things up on the computers I left behind. But instead, things went very wrong just because I was no longer there. In an attempt to pay me back for this, he tried to set me up by planting something he owns in the box of things I was taking with me. But I had my cardboard box rigged with that paint they put in money at banks when banks are robbed. When he called the police to accuse me, I turned on my light and it showed footprints leading back to him and his fingerprints on the “stolen” item and on top of that it showed where he stole a necklace from me and had it in his glowing pocket. He was arrested and his mug shot was shown on TV with the caption “Not only did he fire her after 16 years of dedicated service for no good reason, but he tried to frame her for theft and he stole a piece of costume jewelry selling for $3.99 at a discount store.” Karma took care of my revenge.
My brain was telling me it would be ok. I just need to move forward with my own agenda and let the rest of the world take care of itself.
Today is the first day of my new job: writing fiction. Today will be an organizing day. A day to figure out my new routine. I must treat my work hours at home as I would have done at TMS. I was able to get lots done there by being very organized. That’s what I want to do here. Treat my life like I was running someone else’s business. If I can do that then I will be good.
I am happy that so far I am not depressed. I feel hopeful even though at some points during the day I feel a little like a rudderless boat.
521
Monday, March 04, 2013
Monday, Sunny, Monday
It is Monday (I mention this as a way to remind myself what day of the week it is even though it really doesn’t matter much right now) and it is sunny. The sky is clear for the first time in many days both literally and figuratively. I did wake up last night around 0400 but that may have been more to The MM kicking me in the head than actual anxiety. Of course, once I was awake I began thinking about work things. I was easily able to talk myself out of the conversations this time though. I thought about the few things I left undone (because they were claims in the process of processing) and I told myself “screw it” they all need things to train on and I wasn’t very important so they’ll figure it out easily. I chuckled at the thought. I imagine it will be several days before I stop thinking of my “normal” routine but that will go away once I set up a new routine for myself.
The MM and I will go through his toys today. Our goal is to find the red angry bird and to organize and put things away better. I think I can get QV to take him up to the park to ride around in his jeep. I think The Pyrate will be here too so he can help entertain The MM while I begin going through my office boxes that are currently sitting all over my kitchen. It took four boxes to clean the stuff out of my office. I collected quite a bit of stuff in 16 years. I already cleaned all of the mugs I used to hold all of my pens.
When I woke during the night I realized I was actually analyzing my feelings. I can’t remember ever doing that before. I was afraid to look at how I felt because then I would have to make a decision which I was too petrified to make for myself. I recognized how hurt I am and also that I am very angry over what he said to me. Basically I was let go to protect himself. I was sacrificed in his effort to save himself. He started crying (pffth!) said he felt bad, I was a very good employee, but he had to protect the life he’s worked at since he was a teenager. As I was leaving, I offered to shake his hand and he’s the one who leaned in for a hug, so maybe there really isn’t anything wrong with me. Of course, what he starts telling people once I’m gone to justify himself, one never knows. He’s real good at bad mouthing people when they are no longer around to defend themselves. Do you know how to say coward? My crying for today is over. It was brief and mostly due to nostalgia.
I fell easily back to sleep and woke at 0700 when The MM woke up and laid on top of my head.
505
The MM and I will go through his toys today. Our goal is to find the red angry bird and to organize and put things away better. I think I can get QV to take him up to the park to ride around in his jeep. I think The Pyrate will be here too so he can help entertain The MM while I begin going through my office boxes that are currently sitting all over my kitchen. It took four boxes to clean the stuff out of my office. I collected quite a bit of stuff in 16 years. I already cleaned all of the mugs I used to hold all of my pens.
When I woke during the night I realized I was actually analyzing my feelings. I can’t remember ever doing that before. I was afraid to look at how I felt because then I would have to make a decision which I was too petrified to make for myself. I recognized how hurt I am and also that I am very angry over what he said to me. Basically I was let go to protect himself. I was sacrificed in his effort to save himself. He started crying (pffth!) said he felt bad, I was a very good employee, but he had to protect the life he’s worked at since he was a teenager. As I was leaving, I offered to shake his hand and he’s the one who leaned in for a hug, so maybe there really isn’t anything wrong with me. Of course, what he starts telling people once I’m gone to justify himself, one never knows. He’s real good at bad mouthing people when they are no longer around to defend themselves. Do you know how to say coward? My crying for today is over. It was brief and mostly due to nostalgia.
I fell easily back to sleep and woke at 0700 when The MM woke up and laid on top of my head.
505
Sunday, March 03, 2013
Oh, Sugars!
I slept until 0715 today. The MM woke at the same time so I didn’t get to write this morning. Right away he wanted to watch videos on my computer and silly me didn’t think to set him up on QV’s computer so I could do my thing. I’ll remember for next time. I took my time getting my day started. I read a bit from Game of Thrones. I’m trying to catch up to the TV show. The next season starts at the end of March. My lower back is a bit sore and I am tired from bleeding like a stuck pig. But that should be over in a couple of days. I don’t feel as tired as usual, I’m thinking because I am not so hopeless and depressed as I was before getting fired.
The MM and I went back up to see O & O again today. I left him with them for 2 hours while I went to the library. I renewed my account and got a new card. Then I read from GoT for half an hour. After that, I went into the cafe where I had a hot chocolate and a muffin while I wrote three pages in my paper journal. There were a lot of unruly children and their unruly parents. There was a man in a wheelchair that was drawing birds. He was a big man with grey hair and a grey beard and mustache. From an overheard conversation, he was a veteran. He showed his drawings to many people, especially to children and he encouraged any of them who said they liked to draw to keep at it no matter what anyone said to them. He said he was told he couldn’t draw as a child so he stopped for the longest time. Now he draws all of the time and wouldn’t stop for anyone. Sound familiar?
I enjoyed my time at the library and it went by really fast. I will want to go back there again some time. They have a poetry group that meets there on the second Thursday in March. I think the paper said the 14th at 1900. I’d like to go to that and see what the people are like. I’ll need to get out and meet people so I don’t get isolated. Being alone all of the time will not be good for me.
I was thinking about going back to the painting lady in Moorestown. I can’t think of her name right now, I think it was Gisela, something with a G anyway. I could go to her during the day once a week and do some small paintings with her to get lessons and ideas and techniques.
I’ve been trying to distract myself from tSLBoM so I don’t get ahead of myself. I will be starting serious work on it on Tuesday. I will also do HTTS so I can actually finish my book. I must have it published on Amazon by the end of March 2013.
I am off to do my websiTe post. I found a meme with questions about my current work in progress that I will use.
529
The MM and I went back up to see O & O again today. I left him with them for 2 hours while I went to the library. I renewed my account and got a new card. Then I read from GoT for half an hour. After that, I went into the cafe where I had a hot chocolate and a muffin while I wrote three pages in my paper journal. There were a lot of unruly children and their unruly parents. There was a man in a wheelchair that was drawing birds. He was a big man with grey hair and a grey beard and mustache. From an overheard conversation, he was a veteran. He showed his drawings to many people, especially to children and he encouraged any of them who said they liked to draw to keep at it no matter what anyone said to them. He said he was told he couldn’t draw as a child so he stopped for the longest time. Now he draws all of the time and wouldn’t stop for anyone. Sound familiar?
I enjoyed my time at the library and it went by really fast. I will want to go back there again some time. They have a poetry group that meets there on the second Thursday in March. I think the paper said the 14th at 1900. I’d like to go to that and see what the people are like. I’ll need to get out and meet people so I don’t get isolated. Being alone all of the time will not be good for me.
I was thinking about going back to the painting lady in Moorestown. I can’t think of her name right now, I think it was Gisela, something with a G anyway. I could go to her during the day once a week and do some small paintings with her to get lessons and ideas and techniques.
I’ve been trying to distract myself from tSLBoM so I don’t get ahead of myself. I will be starting serious work on it on Tuesday. I will also do HTTS so I can actually finish my book. I must have it published on Amazon by the end of March 2013.
I am off to do my websiTe post. I found a meme with questions about my current work in progress that I will use.
529
Saturday, March 02, 2013
A Second Look
I went through extreme sadness and panic on Thursday. I was almost ecstatic yesterday. I am headache free. I slept all night long without waking in the middle of the night with heart palpitations and rapid breathing for two nights in a row. Now it’s Saturday, day three of not working at TMS and how do I feel?
Well rested. Relaxed shoulders and neck. (I do have cramps but that’s unrelated to my employment status.) Physically I feel so much better than I did on Monday. Mentally, I’ve calmed down all the way around. I am at the point where I am thinking back on how I did things at work and wondering if I could of done things differently but I did a good job. I am convinced that this is in no way my fault except for staying someplace for so long where I was not appreciated and valued. I believe once again God stepped in and made the decision I was too afraid to make on my own. The Snoogs sent me a video yesterday that said in essence God is waiting to give me his best. I don’t always get what I want because he wants to give me his best.
In reviewing the 5 stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance) I find myself going through each one every few minutes when I think about being fired. I still can’t believe it sometimes because well I was there 16 years, more than 16 years. It’s like having your husband come to you and saying “I don’t love you anymore. I want a divorce.” Then, I’m really mad. I got nothing out of the breakup except hurt feelings. The bargaining part mostly consists of me wanting bad things to happen to him. And then switching back to saying no because I never really want bad things to happen to anyone. Not good for one’s Karma. I’m not too depressed because I am keeping busy and making plans. The key is to take control of my life. I’ve got things I want to do. I’ve got lots of things to do. Projects to finish. New ones to start. This process of control is part of the acceptance. Yes, this happened to me but I think it is a blessing and I will accept it as a gift. A gift that everyone seems to think I deserve so I will allow myself to believe it and go after what I really want from my life.
Surprisingly, I am not eating everything in the house. Most of my overeating came from stress too. I eat when I’m hungry and enjoy what I am eating.
The Nicks will be here shortly. He is staying through Monday night. We will be visiting O & O a little later in the morning. We’ll take him to the park to practice driving his four-wheeler and to walk through the woods. He’s getting older now, so I’ll have to see what activities we can start doing together other than just staying home and watching videos and playing computer games. Since I am well rested, I feel like doing things.
525
Well rested. Relaxed shoulders and neck. (I do have cramps but that’s unrelated to my employment status.) Physically I feel so much better than I did on Monday. Mentally, I’ve calmed down all the way around. I am at the point where I am thinking back on how I did things at work and wondering if I could of done things differently but I did a good job. I am convinced that this is in no way my fault except for staying someplace for so long where I was not appreciated and valued. I believe once again God stepped in and made the decision I was too afraid to make on my own. The Snoogs sent me a video yesterday that said in essence God is waiting to give me his best. I don’t always get what I want because he wants to give me his best.
In reviewing the 5 stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance) I find myself going through each one every few minutes when I think about being fired. I still can’t believe it sometimes because well I was there 16 years, more than 16 years. It’s like having your husband come to you and saying “I don’t love you anymore. I want a divorce.” Then, I’m really mad. I got nothing out of the breakup except hurt feelings. The bargaining part mostly consists of me wanting bad things to happen to him. And then switching back to saying no because I never really want bad things to happen to anyone. Not good for one’s Karma. I’m not too depressed because I am keeping busy and making plans. The key is to take control of my life. I’ve got things I want to do. I’ve got lots of things to do. Projects to finish. New ones to start. This process of control is part of the acceptance. Yes, this happened to me but I think it is a blessing and I will accept it as a gift. A gift that everyone seems to think I deserve so I will allow myself to believe it and go after what I really want from my life.
Surprisingly, I am not eating everything in the house. Most of my overeating came from stress too. I eat when I’m hungry and enjoy what I am eating.
The Nicks will be here shortly. He is staying through Monday night. We will be visiting O & O a little later in the morning. We’ll take him to the park to practice driving his four-wheeler and to walk through the woods. He’s getting older now, so I’ll have to see what activities we can start doing together other than just staying home and watching videos and playing computer games. Since I am well rested, I feel like doing things.
525
Friday, March 01, 2013
The New Beginning
I slept really well last night. I did not wake up in the middle of the night. I slept all the way through from 2030 (after The Big Bang Theory) until 0530 when my bladder and some cramps woke me. I laid in bed after taking care of things, watching the end of Love Actually. When I got out of bed at 0700, I noticed how well rested I felt. Changes so far after one day of not having to go to work: no headache, no teeth clenching and feeling relaxed. I am happy, really happy, that I am no longer going there. I do not miss it at all. I will miss the people but not the job, not the work. When all you do is clean up after other people (with no appreciation or thanks) for sixteen years, it’s impossible to find any job in your day.
I do fear that I will never be able to support myself for the rest of my life, that no one will want me, that I really have nothing to offer the world, but that’s only my damage soul speaking. Hopefully, over the next couple of months, it will be able to heal.
“It’s not technique that makes a great artist; it’s emotion.”
My plans for today:
Go through Nicky’s toys.
Do some shopping for needed sundries.
Walk The Codes. (It’s sunny today. Looks a bit cold, though, but it’s ok. I have plenty of time.)
Take a long, unhurried shower.
Have QV vacuum the front porch.
Go through and rearrange my daily schedule
How To Think Sideways
The Salt Lover’s Book of Magic - Prologue
Post Flash 55 and comment on other blogs
I’ll leave it at that. This is quite a list and I don’t want to overwhelm myself on my first day.
I cried a bunch yesterday. The shock of the change has gotten to me more than anything else. So, I took it easy on myself and let myself be upset. But now I feel so much better. The future actually looks brighter to me. That’s the other thing: I don’t feel depressed. I thought all of my depression was due to hormonal changes and some of it may still be that but I think most of my depression was that I really did not want to go to work anymore but I felt obligated to go for so many reasons that have now been taken out of my hands. God is good.
I just spent thirty minutes talking to my daughter who is also my best friend (and she really is my best friend, my cheerleader, my soul.) She has all kinds of plans for me. God, the future looks brighter than it did on Monday. Monday was pretty bleak. Right now I am crying tears of joy. I was laughing, really laughing, while talking to The Snoogs. She’s going to be my Marketing Manager and PR rep when I finish The Salt Lover’s Book of Magic. She’s making plans for all of us to move to Florida together. Spend the evenings strolling around Downtown Disney. Man, does she ever make plans. She’s a great Marketer.
Step One is done for today. I’ve made my 500 words. Time to move on. Today is the first day of my New Beginning; my rebirth to the person I always should have been. If I wasn’t afraid in my twenties why should I be afraid now. People thought I was good at things back then. People think I’m good at things now. I just have to believe in myself.
Look at today’s good numbers: 3-1-13. A good omen. An auspicious start. Yay!
613
I do fear that I will never be able to support myself for the rest of my life, that no one will want me, that I really have nothing to offer the world, but that’s only my damage soul speaking. Hopefully, over the next couple of months, it will be able to heal.
“It’s not technique that makes a great artist; it’s emotion.”
My plans for today:
Go through Nicky’s toys.
Do some shopping for needed sundries.
Walk The Codes. (It’s sunny today. Looks a bit cold, though, but it’s ok. I have plenty of time.)
Take a long, unhurried shower.
Have QV vacuum the front porch.
Go through and rearrange my daily schedule
How To Think Sideways
The Salt Lover’s Book of Magic - Prologue
Post Flash 55 and comment on other blogs
I’ll leave it at that. This is quite a list and I don’t want to overwhelm myself on my first day.
I cried a bunch yesterday. The shock of the change has gotten to me more than anything else. So, I took it easy on myself and let myself be upset. But now I feel so much better. The future actually looks brighter to me. That’s the other thing: I don’t feel depressed. I thought all of my depression was due to hormonal changes and some of it may still be that but I think most of my depression was that I really did not want to go to work anymore but I felt obligated to go for so many reasons that have now been taken out of my hands. God is good.
I just spent thirty minutes talking to my daughter who is also my best friend (and she really is my best friend, my cheerleader, my soul.) She has all kinds of plans for me. God, the future looks brighter than it did on Monday. Monday was pretty bleak. Right now I am crying tears of joy. I was laughing, really laughing, while talking to The Snoogs. She’s going to be my Marketing Manager and PR rep when I finish The Salt Lover’s Book of Magic. She’s making plans for all of us to move to Florida together. Spend the evenings strolling around Downtown Disney. Man, does she ever make plans. She’s a great Marketer.
Step One is done for today. I’ve made my 500 words. Time to move on. Today is the first day of my New Beginning; my rebirth to the person I always should have been. If I wasn’t afraid in my twenties why should I be afraid now. People thought I was good at things back then. People think I’m good at things now. I just have to believe in myself.
Look at today’s good numbers: 3-1-13. A good omen. An auspicious start. Yay!
613
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Fuck Me
Fuck me. That’s been my mantra since yesterday. Fuck me. I feel funny physically. Part of it is from my nose being cleared up. I haven’t eaten much. No appetite. I slept like crap. My body was still but my mind never shut off. I am trying to stay busy today so I don’t take a nap and mess up my sleep tonight.
I told The Snoogs. She was very supportive. Telling me what a fool he is. And that things won’t last long without me. I cried.
I texted my brother. He is going to call later. My parents haven’t been home all morning so I haven’t been able to get that out of the way. I filed for unemployment but we won’t be able to live on that and QV’s so I will have to cash out my 401k unless QV goes back to work in March like R says he will. I sent him and her an email to get my COBRA papers, 401k papers and my letter of recommendation. For 16 years of dedication, I get nothing but 2 days day. Nice, huh? He beat me out of 5 weeks of vacation. Again, I am not surprised. And he had the balls to get all teary eyed. It was hard for him.
I got dressed. Brushed my teeth. Brushed my hair. Emptied the dishwasher. Filled the dishwasher. Cleaned my Brita water jug and put in a new filter. Found my resume. Washed a load of laundry. I’m going to finish writing my 500 words here. Then, I will begin a list of all the things I want to do. I should take The Codes for a walk up and down the street before I do my list. I want to walk each day. It will be good for my brain and my body. I will cancel my gym subscription. I won’t need it and I need to save money.
I just got off the phone with my brother and then my parents. Got a text from my SIL. Everyone is very supportive. We are all agreed that this will be the best thing for me. I can’t stop crying. I just said to QV that I’ve cried more today than in the last 20 years we’ve been together. Everyone agrees that he’s the bad guy. My brother offered his recruiters at his workplace. That was really sweet but he’s all the way down the shore.
I watched all of my recorded comedies and two movies - Serenity and The Eagle. My stomach is grumbling a bit. I took a deep breath. I think I was dreading telling my family and now that that is all out of the way, I feel better. The back of my throat feels raw from post nasal drip. But I can breath again, in more ways than one. I can breath. I just realized I have no headache. I’ve had a headache every day when I worked. Now, my head is clear and I can breath again.
506
I told The Snoogs. She was very supportive. Telling me what a fool he is. And that things won’t last long without me. I cried.
I texted my brother. He is going to call later. My parents haven’t been home all morning so I haven’t been able to get that out of the way. I filed for unemployment but we won’t be able to live on that and QV’s so I will have to cash out my 401k unless QV goes back to work in March like R says he will. I sent him and her an email to get my COBRA papers, 401k papers and my letter of recommendation. For 16 years of dedication, I get nothing but 2 days day. Nice, huh? He beat me out of 5 weeks of vacation. Again, I am not surprised. And he had the balls to get all teary eyed. It was hard for him.
I got dressed. Brushed my teeth. Brushed my hair. Emptied the dishwasher. Filled the dishwasher. Cleaned my Brita water jug and put in a new filter. Found my resume. Washed a load of laundry. I’m going to finish writing my 500 words here. Then, I will begin a list of all the things I want to do. I should take The Codes for a walk up and down the street before I do my list. I want to walk each day. It will be good for my brain and my body. I will cancel my gym subscription. I won’t need it and I need to save money.
I just got off the phone with my brother and then my parents. Got a text from my SIL. Everyone is very supportive. We are all agreed that this will be the best thing for me. I can’t stop crying. I just said to QV that I’ve cried more today than in the last 20 years we’ve been together. Everyone agrees that he’s the bad guy. My brother offered his recruiters at his workplace. That was really sweet but he’s all the way down the shore.
I watched all of my recorded comedies and two movies - Serenity and The Eagle. My stomach is grumbling a bit. I took a deep breath. I think I was dreading telling my family and now that that is all out of the way, I feel better. The back of my throat feels raw from post nasal drip. But I can breath again, in more ways than one. I can breath. I just realized I have no headache. I’ve had a headache every day when I worked. Now, my head is clear and I can breath again.
506
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Dizzy with Anticipation
Mostly, I am dizzy because I can breath again.
*Warning - Excuses Forth Coming*
I haven’t written in over a week because my head has been so stuffed with mucus I could barely hold it up right. I hate having a stuffed head and it makes me miserable. I also don’t care whether the world comes to an end around me. Can’t hear. Can’t see. Can’t taste. Can’t think. Don’t give a shit about nothing.
***
Talk about being dizzy. I was fired today. It was called a lay-off, but fired is fired. After 16 years. Loyalty doesn’t buy you much folks. I should have jumped ship last year. But what can you do? Done is done. Not surprised. I was the most expensive person and he didn’t really know what I did since I just did it but he’ll find out soon enough. Disappointed and hurt that once again the wrong choice was made. A loose band-aid for a fatal, gushing wound.
It’s 2239 in military time. He had me make a chart for military time as if that will prevent the mistakes that happen. I can’t sleep. I’m still in shock. I can be shocked even though I am not surprised. I was going to drink a lot but that would only make me sick. I’ve already thought of all of the things I’ll be able to do. This is really a good thing for me because I never would have left if he didn’t fire me. And I basically got what I wanted. Be careful what you wish for, right?
Write, write, write. Now, there will be no excuses for me finishing a book.
Paint.
Clean up my basement.
Clean up my office/studio.
Walk, exercise.
God, I haven’t been without a job for 26 years. No wonder I am having a bit of a panic attack. I took a couple of Valerian Root to help me relax.
I will need to explore the 5 stages of grief over the next several days. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.
Denial - I guess I’m supposed to stop telling myself “I’ll be fine.” I feel devastated. I dread telling people. I feel like a failure. I wonder if there was anything I could do to prevent it from happening.
I am crying now. I want him to burn in hell. I think I just moved into Anger. God, I hate him for doing this. I want the business to completely fall apart now that I won’t be there so that everyone will think, “See, she kept that place going and made a difference.” I feel betrayed. So, I guess I’ll be in these two stages for a day or two and get it out of my system. At least I’ve got money in my 401k that I can use as a cushion.
I want to go throw eggs at his car.
Oh, well. It is what it is. I just need a way to get myself to go to sleep. I am tired but wired.
Tomorrow, I must do the following:
File Unemployment
Call The Snoogs, O & O and my brother.
Send an email to him and her for Cobra, 401k disbursement and a letter of recommendation.
Begin changing passwords.
Write.
Walk.
Wallow.
Not that last one. I’ll change that to taking pictures.
I’ll need to be active to wear myself out so I’ll be able to sleep.
I should have left a year ago.
575
*Warning - Excuses Forth Coming*
I haven’t written in over a week because my head has been so stuffed with mucus I could barely hold it up right. I hate having a stuffed head and it makes me miserable. I also don’t care whether the world comes to an end around me. Can’t hear. Can’t see. Can’t taste. Can’t think. Don’t give a shit about nothing.
***
Talk about being dizzy. I was fired today. It was called a lay-off, but fired is fired. After 16 years. Loyalty doesn’t buy you much folks. I should have jumped ship last year. But what can you do? Done is done. Not surprised. I was the most expensive person and he didn’t really know what I did since I just did it but he’ll find out soon enough. Disappointed and hurt that once again the wrong choice was made. A loose band-aid for a fatal, gushing wound.
It’s 2239 in military time. He had me make a chart for military time as if that will prevent the mistakes that happen. I can’t sleep. I’m still in shock. I can be shocked even though I am not surprised. I was going to drink a lot but that would only make me sick. I’ve already thought of all of the things I’ll be able to do. This is really a good thing for me because I never would have left if he didn’t fire me. And I basically got what I wanted. Be careful what you wish for, right?
Write, write, write. Now, there will be no excuses for me finishing a book.
Paint.
Clean up my basement.
Clean up my office/studio.
Walk, exercise.
God, I haven’t been without a job for 26 years. No wonder I am having a bit of a panic attack. I took a couple of Valerian Root to help me relax.
I will need to explore the 5 stages of grief over the next several days. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.
Denial - I guess I’m supposed to stop telling myself “I’ll be fine.” I feel devastated. I dread telling people. I feel like a failure. I wonder if there was anything I could do to prevent it from happening.
I am crying now. I want him to burn in hell. I think I just moved into Anger. God, I hate him for doing this. I want the business to completely fall apart now that I won’t be there so that everyone will think, “See, she kept that place going and made a difference.” I feel betrayed. So, I guess I’ll be in these two stages for a day or two and get it out of my system. At least I’ve got money in my 401k that I can use as a cushion.
I want to go throw eggs at his car.
Oh, well. It is what it is. I just need a way to get myself to go to sleep. I am tired but wired.
Tomorrow, I must do the following:
File Unemployment
Call The Snoogs, O & O and my brother.
Send an email to him and her for Cobra, 401k disbursement and a letter of recommendation.
Begin changing passwords.
Write.
Walk.
Wallow.
Not that last one. I’ll change that to taking pictures.
I’ll need to be active to wear myself out so I’ll be able to sleep.
I should have left a year ago.
575
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
There Will Be Blood
I am groggy. I woke up at 2330 needing to pee. I drank two glasses of wine to calm down from my phone call with DirecTV over returning the boxes to them. I only received one box with a return sticker listing the DVR and the RV box that my brother said he bought from Best Buy and owned. So I get on the phone and am frustrated because I can’t get a live person since the computer was confused because it no longer thought I had service which I don’t so it couldn’t find my account even though I could find my account online and it threw me into a perpetual loop. So I pressed zero repeatedly, over and over again until it threw me into the live person queue. So the first person had difficulty setting up the return. She had to code the system three times before it accepted the returns then all of a sudden she got a message that they don’t want the small boxes back. Just the cards inside. Once we had that straightened out I tried to convince her that I owned the RV box. She said it showed it was leased. I insisted it was purchased. She switched me to another rep who said the box was definitely leased. I argued a little more and then gave up and said I would look for my paperwork for when it was bought. She said Best Buy never sold boxes, only leased them. I called my brother and told him. He said the box he had was definitely the one listed on my account, the serial numbers matched. So I asked if he had any paperwork on it because they said it was leased and not bought. And he said maybe. He couldn’t remember and I could have the box to return it. Arg! A two glass of wine situation. QV is going over to my brother’s house today to get the box and send it back to DirecTV.
I couldn’t fall back asleep. I got up, took two Melatonin to help me relax, downloaded Pride and Prejudice from Audible into my iPod, took two TUMS and went back to bed. I fell asleep around 0130. The book did help distract me but the dreams I had after were wild. Filled with crowds. A church service. I had my period throughout the dream but no tampon or pad. At one point, I was hiding in a closet. Packing for some sort of trip with large crates yet unable to find the second in a pair of shoes that I had to have for the trip. Unable to keep my suitcase closed. My belongings falling out and getting lost and me missing my ride. And people everywhere. I couldn’t get away from the people getting in the middle of my business. I was shocked when the alarm went off at 0530.
My full bladder made me get up. I debated going back to bed and stayed up. The heater did not come on only the blower so cold air was coming out again. I feel like a poor writer living in a cold ghetto apartment writing with a blanket wrapped around my shoulders because I can’t afford coal for my heater. I turned the thermostat down so it could reset and now it’s back to blowing hot air.
563
I couldn’t fall back asleep. I got up, took two Melatonin to help me relax, downloaded Pride and Prejudice from Audible into my iPod, took two TUMS and went back to bed. I fell asleep around 0130. The book did help distract me but the dreams I had after were wild. Filled with crowds. A church service. I had my period throughout the dream but no tampon or pad. At one point, I was hiding in a closet. Packing for some sort of trip with large crates yet unable to find the second in a pair of shoes that I had to have for the trip. Unable to keep my suitcase closed. My belongings falling out and getting lost and me missing my ride. And people everywhere. I couldn’t get away from the people getting in the middle of my business. I was shocked when the alarm went off at 0530.
My full bladder made me get up. I debated going back to bed and stayed up. The heater did not come on only the blower so cold air was coming out again. I feel like a poor writer living in a cold ghetto apartment writing with a blanket wrapped around my shoulders because I can’t afford coal for my heater. I turned the thermostat down so it could reset and now it’s back to blowing hot air.
563
Monday, February 18, 2013
Brave?
My poor baby was sick all day yesterday. We woke at six and he fell asleep again in the living room chair at nine. Once he woke up he laid on me all day. There was no running around like a little mad man yesterday. He fell asleep at two again. He really wasn’t feeling well.
I spent the time in between watching Angry Birds Star Wars videos reading Beautiful Creatures. It’s written in first person, I’m trying to dissect it as I read it because it is written by two women with big English degrees. I didn’t get much past noticing the First Person and how certain things are described. To be honest, I easily lose myself in stories so I didn’t notice a whole lot. I kept forgetting to pay attention.
The writing is not coming so easy this morning. Thank goodness I got up early so I have some extra time to figure out what to put here. Time to go off and get a prompt.
Describe one time when you were brave.
I used to work at a truck stop when I was in my twenties as a cashier out at the fuel docks. We had a small building with glass windows all around and a high counter behind which we worked. There was a safe that dispensed tubes of money. The fuel islands were open all night long and people came in to get diesel all through the night and day. Back then there wasn’t random drug testing so many of the drivers came in high on amphetamines especially during the night.
One time this great big guy came in all rude to everyone, terrorizing the guys I was working with, yelling at them. They all tried to back off and appease him. He mouthed off to me and I lost it.
“Yo, bitch. You keep your mouth shut or I'll jump over that counter and shut it for you.”
“Come on, asshole. Jump over that counter and I’ll knock your ass so far out into space they won’t know where to find you. You think I’m scared of you, you son of a bitch.” I pushed up to the counter and slammed my hands on the counter screaming who knows what else. The men working with me actually grabbed me and pulled me back. I astounded a room full of people including the crazy man. He shut up, paid his bill and left all the while looking at me from the corner of his eyes.
Afterwards I realized I zoned out through pretty much all of it. I can’t really tell you much from memory of the incident only what others told me because my mind went blank. I felt the adrenaline squirt into my bloodstream and set me off. Technically I wasn’t really brave since it was a physical reaction to an emotional situation. I do that in certain situations. I get so worked up over people being very aggressive that I literally lose my mind.
503
I spent the time in between watching Angry Birds Star Wars videos reading Beautiful Creatures. It’s written in first person, I’m trying to dissect it as I read it because it is written by two women with big English degrees. I didn’t get much past noticing the First Person and how certain things are described. To be honest, I easily lose myself in stories so I didn’t notice a whole lot. I kept forgetting to pay attention.
The writing is not coming so easy this morning. Thank goodness I got up early so I have some extra time to figure out what to put here. Time to go off and get a prompt.
Describe one time when you were brave.
I used to work at a truck stop when I was in my twenties as a cashier out at the fuel docks. We had a small building with glass windows all around and a high counter behind which we worked. There was a safe that dispensed tubes of money. The fuel islands were open all night long and people came in to get diesel all through the night and day. Back then there wasn’t random drug testing so many of the drivers came in high on amphetamines especially during the night.
One time this great big guy came in all rude to everyone, terrorizing the guys I was working with, yelling at them. They all tried to back off and appease him. He mouthed off to me and I lost it.
“Yo, bitch. You keep your mouth shut or I'll jump over that counter and shut it for you.”
“Come on, asshole. Jump over that counter and I’ll knock your ass so far out into space they won’t know where to find you. You think I’m scared of you, you son of a bitch.” I pushed up to the counter and slammed my hands on the counter screaming who knows what else. The men working with me actually grabbed me and pulled me back. I astounded a room full of people including the crazy man. He shut up, paid his bill and left all the while looking at me from the corner of his eyes.
Afterwards I realized I zoned out through pretty much all of it. I can’t really tell you much from memory of the incident only what others told me because my mind went blank. I felt the adrenaline squirt into my bloodstream and set me off. Technically I wasn’t really brave since it was a physical reaction to an emotional situation. I do that in certain situations. I get so worked up over people being very aggressive that I literally lose my mind.
503
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Fodder
I did not get to write anything on My One True Plan yesterday. I thought about it. I compared what I was doing to My One True Plan to see how what I was doing fit in with my plan and was taking me towards my goal (that’s goal without the s because I have only one goal and everything must move me on my path to that one goal.)
I “socialized” yesterday, remembering that any interaction with other people will help me see how people behave and give me ideas for characterisation. It also helped me see myself more clearly, see how I think and how I behave. I know without a doubt that I would rather be writing than making small talk. I am a horrible chatter. I listen pretty well but I don’t want to participate much in most actual conversations.
I spent the day with my grandson, my parents, my great-nephew, my brother and my daughter. My daughter and my father were the only two people who didn’t expect me to do much more than listen. To be honest, my father’s not much of a talker either so I didn’t have to listen much in his case. My daughter is ok with telling me all kinds of things and when she wants a response she asks a direct question. Other than that, all she expects is for me to listen to her.
My brother got all of the social skills. He’s very good at filling up the conversational void with all kinds of things that sound exciting. He can tell you about his chores and make them sound like grand little adventures. It’s the tone of his voice, the laughter behind his words. People like that.
My great-nephew and my grandson only expect me to play catch with them. I can manage that.
My mother wants an interaction and here is where the difficulties come in because we really don’t have any clear points of commonality. Everything between us is a conversational conflict. She makes a statement, like all priests are bad people (brought on by the Pope’s announcement to retire) and I have to say that’s not true they are people like most others, some good some bad and then I try to discuss the inherent corruption in large organizations (which is what I would want to talk about and not the boogeyman “there’s a pedophile behind every bush” conversation she wants.) Stagnation. Then she tells me about another 5 year old child that was recently abducted and the police detective who came to her door at 7 in the morning looking for a pedophile. Then there’s nothing but doctors visits, diseases and physical complaints followed by how unreasonable and rude her cousin is because she can’t tell my mother what disease her cousin’s husband has in the midst of his mother dying. Oh, and what do I want to eat every 5 minutes. No wonder I am always depressed. It takes so long to scrub all of those thoughts and images from my mind. There’s never anything positive.
I saw Beautiful Creatures with The Snoogs. We had a good time. The movie was fun. I watched the people in the audience before the movie started (many got up and left because they were in the wrong theater (they want Silver Linings Playbook.) And I picked the movie apart thinking how I would do it different.
I got a call from a co-worker before the movie. One of our drivers went off the deep end again. He has two or three episodes each year where he needs emergency responders to go to his truck and then he gets hospitalized and misses delivering shipments.
My little one is not feeling well this weekend. He had a fever and now he is stuffy and cranky. QV watched him all by himself yesterday while I was at the movies. They had 4 hours alone together and it looked like they did well all one their own. They were watching Ice Age 2 when I got home.
My roaming around yesterday certainly made it easier to write this morning.
690
I “socialized” yesterday, remembering that any interaction with other people will help me see how people behave and give me ideas for characterisation. It also helped me see myself more clearly, see how I think and how I behave. I know without a doubt that I would rather be writing than making small talk. I am a horrible chatter. I listen pretty well but I don’t want to participate much in most actual conversations.
I spent the day with my grandson, my parents, my great-nephew, my brother and my daughter. My daughter and my father were the only two people who didn’t expect me to do much more than listen. To be honest, my father’s not much of a talker either so I didn’t have to listen much in his case. My daughter is ok with telling me all kinds of things and when she wants a response she asks a direct question. Other than that, all she expects is for me to listen to her.
My brother got all of the social skills. He’s very good at filling up the conversational void with all kinds of things that sound exciting. He can tell you about his chores and make them sound like grand little adventures. It’s the tone of his voice, the laughter behind his words. People like that.
My great-nephew and my grandson only expect me to play catch with them. I can manage that.
My mother wants an interaction and here is where the difficulties come in because we really don’t have any clear points of commonality. Everything between us is a conversational conflict. She makes a statement, like all priests are bad people (brought on by the Pope’s announcement to retire) and I have to say that’s not true they are people like most others, some good some bad and then I try to discuss the inherent corruption in large organizations (which is what I would want to talk about and not the boogeyman “there’s a pedophile behind every bush” conversation she wants.) Stagnation. Then she tells me about another 5 year old child that was recently abducted and the police detective who came to her door at 7 in the morning looking for a pedophile. Then there’s nothing but doctors visits, diseases and physical complaints followed by how unreasonable and rude her cousin is because she can’t tell my mother what disease her cousin’s husband has in the midst of his mother dying. Oh, and what do I want to eat every 5 minutes. No wonder I am always depressed. It takes so long to scrub all of those thoughts and images from my mind. There’s never anything positive.
I saw Beautiful Creatures with The Snoogs. We had a good time. The movie was fun. I watched the people in the audience before the movie started (many got up and left because they were in the wrong theater (they want Silver Linings Playbook.) And I picked the movie apart thinking how I would do it different.
I got a call from a co-worker before the movie. One of our drivers went off the deep end again. He has two or three episodes each year where he needs emergency responders to go to his truck and then he gets hospitalized and misses delivering shipments.
My little one is not feeling well this weekend. He had a fever and now he is stuffy and cranky. QV watched him all by himself yesterday while I was at the movies. They had 4 hours alone together and it looked like they did well all one their own. They were watching Ice Age 2 when I got home.
My roaming around yesterday certainly made it easier to write this morning.
690
Saturday, February 16, 2013
My One True Plan
Do you have a Plan? Do you need a Plan? Have you had a plan fall spectacularly to pieces?
I have a plan. I have tons of plans. I have so many plans I can’t keep any of them straight anymore. I have so many plans that none of them ever come to fruition. I think the problems is the s I have at the end of that word. I have no single plan to focus on. I’ve got my world divided up into sections and each section has its own plan. I need one plan and all the parts of my life should head in that one direction. Why has this never occurred to me before?
There is no cohesion. I’ve done things to make each part of my life “peaceful” but they really aren’t because I am not happy in them when I am there and I am not getting anywhere. I am stuck and miserable. So let me make A PLAN and steer all of my other plans and areas of my life towards that one place I want to be.
So where do I want to be? What do I want for me? What is the one thing I want, the one place I want to be that without it makes everything else worthless and gives me no satisfaction?
I want to be a fiction writer and make a living at it, enough to support my current lifestyle and more and nt have to have a “day job.”
Everything I do from now on in any other part of my life must keep me on my path to this one purpose. I want to write this goal, plan, destination out as a PACTS sentence so it flows and I can keep it in my mind like a mantra that I can repeat over and over to myself.
*** I finally got the heater to work. It became 63 degrees by the time I figured out what I was doing wrong. I kept tapping on the button when I should have held the button down to set it. Now it can warm up in here which needed to happen so I can think of my one true plan. ***
My One True Plan is a good name. I like it. My sentence for My One True Plan in 30 words or less starts with me as the Protagonist. Who is the Antagonist in this plan? Myself and anyone else who tries to stop me from gaining my goal. The Conflict is my need to fit in, to please others and to be “normal” opposed to my need to write and write what is inside regardless of what anyone else will think of it. The Twist is that I want to be rich and yet keep my personal privacy. I want money to live in peace and take care of my family but I don’t want to be on stage. I am not an attention hound. Others can represent me. Others like my family who like to be actors and models and spokes people. They all make nice better than I do. The Scene is here where I live now with trips to far off places for research.
I must think about all of this and distill it down into my 30 word sentence.
554
I have a plan. I have tons of plans. I have so many plans I can’t keep any of them straight anymore. I have so many plans that none of them ever come to fruition. I think the problems is the s I have at the end of that word. I have no single plan to focus on. I’ve got my world divided up into sections and each section has its own plan. I need one plan and all the parts of my life should head in that one direction. Why has this never occurred to me before?
There is no cohesion. I’ve done things to make each part of my life “peaceful” but they really aren’t because I am not happy in them when I am there and I am not getting anywhere. I am stuck and miserable. So let me make A PLAN and steer all of my other plans and areas of my life towards that one place I want to be.
So where do I want to be? What do I want for me? What is the one thing I want, the one place I want to be that without it makes everything else worthless and gives me no satisfaction?
I want to be a fiction writer and make a living at it, enough to support my current lifestyle and more and nt have to have a “day job.”
Everything I do from now on in any other part of my life must keep me on my path to this one purpose. I want to write this goal, plan, destination out as a PACTS sentence so it flows and I can keep it in my mind like a mantra that I can repeat over and over to myself.
*** I finally got the heater to work. It became 63 degrees by the time I figured out what I was doing wrong. I kept tapping on the button when I should have held the button down to set it. Now it can warm up in here which needed to happen so I can think of my one true plan. ***
My One True Plan is a good name. I like it. My sentence for My One True Plan in 30 words or less starts with me as the Protagonist. Who is the Antagonist in this plan? Myself and anyone else who tries to stop me from gaining my goal. The Conflict is my need to fit in, to please others and to be “normal” opposed to my need to write and write what is inside regardless of what anyone else will think of it. The Twist is that I want to be rich and yet keep my personal privacy. I want money to live in peace and take care of my family but I don’t want to be on stage. I am not an attention hound. Others can represent me. Others like my family who like to be actors and models and spokes people. They all make nice better than I do. The Scene is here where I live now with trips to far off places for research.
I must think about all of this and distill it down into my 30 word sentence.
554
Friday, February 15, 2013
dragons r us
If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be? Describe the pet and how you would take care of it.
I’d like to have a dragon. It would be an iridescent shimmering green shot through with purples, yellows, reds and oranges. Every Time the dragon moved the colors of his scales would change and vibrate. The dragon would be a he and I would name him Reagor because that sounds like a kingly dragony sort of name.
I would get Reagor as an egg and hatch him myself by keeping the egg in a basket wrapped in cashmere blankets to keep the egg soft and warm. I would carry the basket with me wherever I went keeping it safe and allowing him to bond with me before he hatched.
Then one day, Reagor would start cracking the shell of his egg. It would take several hours for him to get out of his egg and I would have to spend the whole time with him, cooing at him to encourage him to keep going because no baby really wants to leave its womb and he’s not very strong yet. But Reagor follows the sound of my voice and comes out into the light. I have to be careful to keep him out of the sunshine yet because he is born with his eyes open and the light would hurt his delicate eyes.
He would have little bits of damp feathers on his skin which will fall off as he grows older and his scales come in. While he is young, he will stay in my backyard where he can climb trees (he can’t fly yet) and chase squirrels through the tree branches and mice through the underbrush of the bamboo stalks. I will fed him rare meats like whole chickens and fresh caught fish that friends who go fishing will bring me and hunks of beef roasts. Reagor doesn’t each vegetables but he does like the occasional fruit like whole pineapples and watermelons.
I live down the street from a big river and a county park so as Reagor gets older he will go hunting over the water and get his own fish and he can go in the park hunting for geese and groundhogs. Not skunks, though. They would give him indigestion and bad breath.
He would learn to fly by jumping from branch to branch hunting squirrels. He would stretch his wings and glide to the next tree. Then he would spot the birds around him and find them more challenging than the squirrels and would he to copy their flight trying to catch the birds. Before you know it, he would be soaring in the air flapping great leathery wings. Once he is grown which would take about eight months he would be two stories tall when sitting on his back legs. His tail would be nine feet long. At this point, I would have to drain the pool so Reagor could curl into it and sleep with his chin resting on the grass verge along the pool edge. Reagor is normally very quiet except when he thinks I am in danger. Then he roars in warning. If not heeded he gobbles up anyone who threatens me.
544
I’d like to have a dragon. It would be an iridescent shimmering green shot through with purples, yellows, reds and oranges. Every Time the dragon moved the colors of his scales would change and vibrate. The dragon would be a he and I would name him Reagor because that sounds like a kingly dragony sort of name.
I would get Reagor as an egg and hatch him myself by keeping the egg in a basket wrapped in cashmere blankets to keep the egg soft and warm. I would carry the basket with me wherever I went keeping it safe and allowing him to bond with me before he hatched.
Then one day, Reagor would start cracking the shell of his egg. It would take several hours for him to get out of his egg and I would have to spend the whole time with him, cooing at him to encourage him to keep going because no baby really wants to leave its womb and he’s not very strong yet. But Reagor follows the sound of my voice and comes out into the light. I have to be careful to keep him out of the sunshine yet because he is born with his eyes open and the light would hurt his delicate eyes.
He would have little bits of damp feathers on his skin which will fall off as he grows older and his scales come in. While he is young, he will stay in my backyard where he can climb trees (he can’t fly yet) and chase squirrels through the tree branches and mice through the underbrush of the bamboo stalks. I will fed him rare meats like whole chickens and fresh caught fish that friends who go fishing will bring me and hunks of beef roasts. Reagor doesn’t each vegetables but he does like the occasional fruit like whole pineapples and watermelons.
I live down the street from a big river and a county park so as Reagor gets older he will go hunting over the water and get his own fish and he can go in the park hunting for geese and groundhogs. Not skunks, though. They would give him indigestion and bad breath.
He would learn to fly by jumping from branch to branch hunting squirrels. He would stretch his wings and glide to the next tree. Then he would spot the birds around him and find them more challenging than the squirrels and would he to copy their flight trying to catch the birds. Before you know it, he would be soaring in the air flapping great leathery wings. Once he is grown which would take about eight months he would be two stories tall when sitting on his back legs. His tail would be nine feet long. At this point, I would have to drain the pool so Reagor could curl into it and sleep with his chin resting on the grass verge along the pool edge. Reagor is normally very quiet except when he thinks I am in danger. Then he roars in warning. If not heeded he gobbles up anyone who threatens me.
544
Thursday, February 14, 2013
20130214 - morning
I’m going to do some prompts in the morning so I don’t spend the whole time whining and complaining.
Imagine you opened your own restaurant. Tell the name of your restaurant. Explain what the restaurant looks like, who works there, and what you serve.
I’d like an Irish pub. Small, with booths with windows behind them looking out on a town sidewalk. There would be a bar but no free floating tables, the tables would only be around the walls. It would be open only from noon until eleven. There would be food served until eight pm.
I would call it The Empty Bottle and Crushed Can which is the name of my house’s backyard bar and my basement bar. There would be a wooden plaque painted sign hanging outside over the door. The walls wood be stone and heavy wood beams. The roof would be thatch. The restaurant would have a fireplace on each end. I would encourage acoustic groups and singers to come and practice at my pub. They would get free drinks and food for playing. The lights would be low. There would be some comfortable stuffed chairs around the fire places. Personalized beer mugs would hang behind the bar for patrons who come in all of the time. QV would be the cook and bartender. I would not work there but I would have a table in a back corner where I could watch the people and write. I could watch people come and go and listen to all of the jokes being told by drunks and all of the world fixing and conspiracy theories that drunk people spout in bars. I would hire college students as waiters and waitresses.
We would serve hand cut double fried french fries with a variety of toppings like brown gravy, cheddar cheese, and added toppings like bacon, hot peppers, salsa. There would be chicken fingers, chicken wings, various types of burgers and hot dogs, chili and other homemade soups. The soups would be “a soup of the day” kind of thing. Whatever kind of soup struck QV’s fancy. Since it’s a pub I’m thinking we’d need fish and chips with malt vinegar, too.
I want there to be candles on the tables and oil lamps on the walls. I wasn’t going to mention these because my practical self said it would be dangerous to have candles around drunks but this is fantasy and what I would want so I am not allowing my internal editor audit out the things I want.
I would want my guest to be from all walks of life: elderly couples who live in town, bikers that come for the coziness and calmness of the place, rich people looking for something different and expecting to be treated like everyone else, college students, musicians, artists. I want there to be a big tip jar where people would put money to help support local artists. I would want to include local magicians and witches. People with tattoos and piercings. In other words, I want many people who are so different they're getting along and getting to know each other with all kinds of weird ideas floating around in the air and entertaining me.
536
Imagine you opened your own restaurant. Tell the name of your restaurant. Explain what the restaurant looks like, who works there, and what you serve.
I’d like an Irish pub. Small, with booths with windows behind them looking out on a town sidewalk. There would be a bar but no free floating tables, the tables would only be around the walls. It would be open only from noon until eleven. There would be food served until eight pm.
I would call it The Empty Bottle and Crushed Can which is the name of my house’s backyard bar and my basement bar. There would be a wooden plaque painted sign hanging outside over the door. The walls wood be stone and heavy wood beams. The roof would be thatch. The restaurant would have a fireplace on each end. I would encourage acoustic groups and singers to come and practice at my pub. They would get free drinks and food for playing. The lights would be low. There would be some comfortable stuffed chairs around the fire places. Personalized beer mugs would hang behind the bar for patrons who come in all of the time. QV would be the cook and bartender. I would not work there but I would have a table in a back corner where I could watch the people and write. I could watch people come and go and listen to all of the jokes being told by drunks and all of the world fixing and conspiracy theories that drunk people spout in bars. I would hire college students as waiters and waitresses.
We would serve hand cut double fried french fries with a variety of toppings like brown gravy, cheddar cheese, and added toppings like bacon, hot peppers, salsa. There would be chicken fingers, chicken wings, various types of burgers and hot dogs, chili and other homemade soups. The soups would be “a soup of the day” kind of thing. Whatever kind of soup struck QV’s fancy. Since it’s a pub I’m thinking we’d need fish and chips with malt vinegar, too.
I want there to be candles on the tables and oil lamps on the walls. I wasn’t going to mention these because my practical self said it would be dangerous to have candles around drunks but this is fantasy and what I would want so I am not allowing my internal editor audit out the things I want.
I would want my guest to be from all walks of life: elderly couples who live in town, bikers that come for the coziness and calmness of the place, rich people looking for something different and expecting to be treated like everyone else, college students, musicians, artists. I want there to be a big tip jar where people would put money to help support local artists. I would want to include local magicians and witches. People with tattoos and piercings. In other words, I want many people who are so different they're getting along and getting to know each other with all kinds of weird ideas floating around in the air and entertaining me.
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