A Blank Page

Words are eluding me this morning. I woke at 0400 (the old time) with a full bladder and the MM laying on top of my head and nudging me out of bed. I couldn’t get back to sleep even after I moved him over for more room. Ever since my mother said she was worried I’d never get a job if I didn’t start looking now I’ve been having mini panic attacks. I’ve begun seriously doubting my self. I’ve been telling myself how inadequate and worthless I am. I’ve been trying to explore these thoughts and feelings instead of pushing them away but it’s painful and hard. Still I move forward despite feelings of sheer terror.

I’ve gone through 4 weeks of HTTS. I’ve gotten my novel notebook which I like much better than a steno pad. I’ve discovered that I can only make lists and outlines in top bound paper pads. I need side bound notebooks for writing anything else. And of course, they must lie flat or they are no good at all. My PACTS sentence for tSLBoM is getting better but it’s still not good enough yet. I took out the names because they are not descriptive. I’ve got Mary as a grandmother but I need a powerful adjective for her which I can’t seem to get. I am handing it over to Fiona to see what she can suggest to Fred.

Fiona is my Muse. Fred is my right brain and Frank is my left brain. I am curious as to why they all have names that begin with “f.” I’m sure that is somehow significant.

My novel notebook is all numbered. I wrote my wants and needs for the project on page one. I’ve got Mary, Vincent van Kingmaker and Aiden each on their own page and I wrote a theme a few pages back. My theme is loosely Want vs. Need.

I picked out a new couch at Jaron’s. QV and I will go look at it on Monday. My 401k account has been closed so we should get that money soon. Then, I’ll be able to get all of our bills caught up, debts paid off, the bedroom finished and maybe truly have a breather.

The Snoogs forgot The MM’s suitcase yesterday. I had to go to Target and buy him some clothes for the weekend. I haven’t shopped for little kids clothes in 25 years. Target had very little for 3 year old boys. What little they did have was mostly shorts. No jeans, only cargo pants. I had to settle for athletic type pants. I did find a Star Wars shirt he really liked and Angry Birds underwear that thrilled him, too. We’ll be meeting O & O and the nephew at the park for a walk since it’s supposed to be another sunny day then go over to O & O’s house where the Snoogs will meet us later and take The MM home. They are going to Florida in a week to help The Pirate’s grandparents with their house and to move into old folks homes.

515

20130206

0648 - Today's goals for writing:

#1 - Add descriptions to the character cards for Vincent van Kingmaker, Mary and Frank Hendersen, the 3 main characters of The Salt Lover's Book of Magic (tSLBoM.)

#2 - 500 new words to the Prologue of tSLBoM by Vincent van Kingmaker (current count 509.)

#3 - Chapter names for tSLBoM

I've been thinking about food already. Thinking about what I can get for breakfast if I stop at Shoprite on the way to work. Special K has a breakfast sandwich for less than 300 calories.

The paper flower I'm going to do of a spider mum will be free floating and not mounted on a canvas, paper or board.

0828 - i'm at work. no VM messages so that's good. i need something to do while i'm driving besides obsessing. My car was covered in ice this morning so i began with resenting that my husband who isn't doing a damn thing all day doesn't get out of bed to clean it off for me. Then i thought if he loved me, he'd say, here take my truck today while i get your car cleaned for you and check the oil and tires. instead, it will be summer and he'll make some smart ass remark about how i don't take care of it.

Then i thought about how it will be 2 years in May when he lost his job and in all that time he's barely worked, has wasted every opportunity for a job opening and yet complains because his mother didn't work when they were growing up. He doesn't even think about or remember all of the time he's been on unemployment while we've been together. Before i met him i did a spell to find someone to love. i specified they had to have a job. i guess i should have included that they keep working steady.

0925 - I actually laughed out loud at my boss, to his face because of a ridiculous solution he came up with for a problem. I am surprised I haven't been fired. I put a ream of paper on the floor under my desk to keep the cold from the floor getting to my feet.

I am much better this morning emotionally or mood wise. i've been doing more deep breathing and water drinking. i never did stop on the way to work to buy a breakfast sandwich. I'm going to have a bowl of Chicken noodle Soup. That should satisfy my need for taste without breaking the bank.

1004 - having my soup now. it's hitting the spot.

1020 - i want some 5 Guys french fries. Why? I'm thirsty. Break for water...i'm not hungry because I just ate. I finished payroll so i want to go off and do something else - write. i keep thinking about the spider mum I want to do.

1508 - haven't been here for a while and i ate all of my brown rice and nut chips and i'm looking for more. oh, i dipped them in Catalina salad dressing. I want chocolate cake. i'm going to stop at Shoprite on the way home and get the Angel Food Cake Mix and Chocolate cake mix and non-fat whipped cream to make the fast microwave cake for dessert tonight. Maybe that will satisfy my cravings.

I haven't done any of my personal writing goals yet for the day.

I watched three training videos on forklift training. That's when i started eating out of my plan. I think i have performance anxiety for any kind of schooling even though I love learning.

I looked at the extra receiver listed in my Directv account and it is different from the others so it must be my brother's receiver. I haven't heard back from Directv yet.

1520 - I just got an email from Holly lisle for a down and dirty revision workshop for $17. I think I'm going to do it. And I get a 15% discount. i get it when I get home tonight.

1601 - I did my chapter names for tSLBoM and i have 20 chapters. at 4,000 words per chapter, I'll get 80,000 words. A nice size book.

1617 - i reworked my todo list. I think it looks good now and won't make me too crazy. it's easy to read and color coded and i wasted 17 minutes on it. My mother called a little while ago. She has a slight fever. My father gets his tooth fixed tomorrow. She's still going on about Big Erika and the cell phone issue. Now i know where i get my obsessive nature from.

1658 - I just found out I will get the revision workshop for free because i already have HTRYN. Prezzies!

1735 - I didn't go to the store and get cake stuff. I talked myself out of it.

1843 - My hubby finished his Read-Right test. He has serious blind spots in the right side of his vision. He reads 20 words per minute right now. Hopefully the reading therapy will help.

1900 - I don't think I'll be able to write 500 new words on the Introduction today. I should have started a chapter outline. I'm going to be easy on myself and not try to write. i am adding the chapter outline to my todo list. I am going to try to start the outline tonight though. Maybe I'll dream about it and have Vincent van Kingmaker's first story done when I wake up.

1926 - Dinner was good. Pork chop and rice with sesame sauce and onions. I need 8 talking points to get to 4,000 words at 500 words per point.

1953 - I'm going to bed.