20130206

0648 - Today's goals for writing:

#1 - Add descriptions to the character cards for Vincent van Kingmaker, Mary and Frank Hendersen, the 3 main characters of The Salt Lover's Book of Magic (tSLBoM.)

#2 - 500 new words to the Prologue of tSLBoM by Vincent van Kingmaker (current count 509.)

#3 - Chapter names for tSLBoM

I've been thinking about food already. Thinking about what I can get for breakfast if I stop at Shoprite on the way to work. Special K has a breakfast sandwich for less than 300 calories.

The paper flower I'm going to do of a spider mum will be free floating and not mounted on a canvas, paper or board.

0828 - i'm at work. no VM messages so that's good. i need something to do while i'm driving besides obsessing. My car was covered in ice this morning so i began with resenting that my husband who isn't doing a damn thing all day doesn't get out of bed to clean it off for me. Then i thought if he loved me, he'd say, here take my truck today while i get your car cleaned for you and check the oil and tires. instead, it will be summer and he'll make some smart ass remark about how i don't take care of it.

Then i thought about how it will be 2 years in May when he lost his job and in all that time he's barely worked, has wasted every opportunity for a job opening and yet complains because his mother didn't work when they were growing up. He doesn't even think about or remember all of the time he's been on unemployment while we've been together. Before i met him i did a spell to find someone to love. i specified they had to have a job. i guess i should have included that they keep working steady.

0925 - I actually laughed out loud at my boss, to his face because of a ridiculous solution he came up with for a problem. I am surprised I haven't been fired. I put a ream of paper on the floor under my desk to keep the cold from the floor getting to my feet.

I am much better this morning emotionally or mood wise. i've been doing more deep breathing and water drinking. i never did stop on the way to work to buy a breakfast sandwich. I'm going to have a bowl of Chicken noodle Soup. That should satisfy my need for taste without breaking the bank.

1004 - having my soup now. it's hitting the spot.

1020 - i want some 5 Guys french fries. Why? I'm thirsty. Break for water...i'm not hungry because I just ate. I finished payroll so i want to go off and do something else - write. i keep thinking about the spider mum I want to do.

1508 - haven't been here for a while and i ate all of my brown rice and nut chips and i'm looking for more. oh, i dipped them in Catalina salad dressing. I want chocolate cake. i'm going to stop at Shoprite on the way home and get the Angel Food Cake Mix and Chocolate cake mix and non-fat whipped cream to make the fast microwave cake for dessert tonight. Maybe that will satisfy my cravings.

I haven't done any of my personal writing goals yet for the day.

I watched three training videos on forklift training. That's when i started eating out of my plan. I think i have performance anxiety for any kind of schooling even though I love learning.

I looked at the extra receiver listed in my Directv account and it is different from the others so it must be my brother's receiver. I haven't heard back from Directv yet.

1520 - I just got an email from Holly lisle for a down and dirty revision workshop for $17. I think I'm going to do it. And I get a 15% discount. i get it when I get home tonight.

1601 - I did my chapter names for tSLBoM and i have 20 chapters. at 4,000 words per chapter, I'll get 80,000 words. A nice size book.

1617 - i reworked my todo list. I think it looks good now and won't make me too crazy. it's easy to read and color coded and i wasted 17 minutes on it. My mother called a little while ago. She has a slight fever. My father gets his tooth fixed tomorrow. She's still going on about Big Erika and the cell phone issue. Now i know where i get my obsessive nature from.

1658 - I just found out I will get the revision workshop for free because i already have HTRYN. Prezzies!

1735 - I didn't go to the store and get cake stuff. I talked myself out of it.

1843 - My hubby finished his Read-Right test. He has serious blind spots in the right side of his vision. He reads 20 words per minute right now. Hopefully the reading therapy will help.

1900 - I don't think I'll be able to write 500 new words on the Introduction today. I should have started a chapter outline. I'm going to be easy on myself and not try to write. i am adding the chapter outline to my todo list. I am going to try to start the outline tonight though. Maybe I'll dream about it and have Vincent van Kingmaker's first story done when I wake up.

1926 - Dinner was good. Pork chop and rice with sesame sauce and onions. I need 8 talking points to get to 4,000 words at 500 words per point.

1953 - I'm going to bed.

20130205

0845 - I want potato chips with french onion dip and a diet coke.

I just finished going through my emails and i am annoyed by all of the truly stupid things i have to do requested by people who should be doing really important things but instead they focus on dumb things.

I mean, really, I have a couple of advanced degrees and granted i have experience in things no one else can do but seriously, i have to interrupt my day to make friggin' labels? This is just such a smart intelligent use of my time and now i will obsess about it all day long.

1001 - I feel like crying. I looked at my Directv bill and there's a receiver for an RV on there which we put on for my brother. I've been billed for it for 2 years. I asked my brother when he sent it back. he says he bought his won. so now i'll have to pay for a receiver i've never used and I don't have. I can't win.

I'm going to eat my salad. maybe that will help. i had my protein shake (190 calories) but that isn't cutting it.

1026 - i feel like crap. Not physically, but emotionally. I want to lay on the floor under my desk, curl into a ball and cry my eyes out.

Brunch was a spring mix and spinach salad with mandarin oranges, chick peas, catalina dressing, brown rice & almond gluten free chips and V8 (435 calories.) I'm going to take my magnesium now. I wish there was someone who would take the time to cheer me up. My shoulders are down around my knees. I'm depressing myself even more by wiriting this crap. I thought journalling was supposed to help. I just threw my V8 can away. fuck recycling. (I took it out again. Guilt is stronger than patheticness.)

My toes are freezing too. The cold just comes right through the cemebnt slab under me.

I'm full but I'm still depressed. yeah, i expected it to go away in 9 minutes. All of my typos are really bothering me. I'd like to punch a wall right now. Or break a pane of glass.

I'm going to go look at my todo list and see if I can't pick something to focus on to distract myself from all of this disguting bullshit.

1048 - i keep forgetting to drink my water. Perhaps my brain is dehydrated. No one is getting back to me on my emails for stuff for me to do. I'm going to wash my salad dishes and put my recycles in the recycle bin.

1106 - i was just in the bathroom crying because no one ever tells me I'm pretty. Normally I could care less. My appearance is not somehting i usually pay attention to but sometimes, i don't know. I want to delete this post so bad. I really should because I sound like a raving loon but this is the way my head goes most days. i'd like to blame it on the menopause but i'm pretty sure none of this is new. You'd think i'd know for sure if this is common for me but that's part of the problem too. i always feel like such a fake, like i'm putting on a show but a show for who? Myself? i was going to do separate posts each time but i decided to just do one long running on all day and the schedule it to post in the middle of the night.

Facebook was depressing me too. Everyone is fucking chipper.

1145 - It's not even noon, yet. I feel a little better. I formatted and posted a picture of an employee to our work FB page. It distracted me a bit. I started on my first character sketch. that helped, too.

The purpose of all of this writing is to make me more aware instead of losing myself in a haze of time where i waste time not being here.

1152 - right now:

sight - job files to check through

sound - Heart, tell It like It Is

smell - vinegar

taste - a dry tongue

touch - lotiony hands

A drink of Vintage Seltzer and a deep breath and another of each.

1203 - The deep breaths are helping. They feeling very good. i forgot to take my magnesium. Did it now. Maybe my brain wasn't getting enough oxygen. I mean, the difference is remarkable. Like someone dumped some normal juice in my drink. i'm telling you, i'm just not right.

I just scared myself. i accidently hit publish but it let me revert to draft without having to delete the post. Cool beanie weinies.

1316 - Something smells really good. The deep breaths and seltzer have helped. I feel better, less grey.

Directv got back to me without saying anything except they got my email and someone will contact me within 72 hours. I'm chewing on celery.

1409 - Finished checking the math and info on the timecards. Just found out a co-worker has the flu.

1418 - Chicken noodle soup time. I did not add any salt to anything so far today. i didn't have any salt with my celery sticks. I'm feeling much better than this morning. Not chipper but not borderline suidicial either (please don't call the straight jacket people ~ I'm not really into suidice enven though sometimes I am in the depths of despair ~ I'd never commit suicide just because I refuse to let the demons win.)

I'm going to try using a small dessert plate for dinner tonight and refrain from adding any salt.

I'm taking my lunch break right now so i'm going to go do my goals on The Salt Lover's Guide to Magic. I need a PACTS sentence for the book, the start of the 3 main characters' sheets and 500 new words on the Introduction which is really a first chapter by the book's author (the person bringing us the story.)

I've stuck to my eating plan so far today. I'm not hungry but i sure would like some ice cream and Reeces Peanut Butter Cups. I've been thinking about Caramel too.And a heath bar. Just obsession. I'm going to clean up my todo list. 140 things is just too much to look at. I've got things on there I am not going to get to anytime soon and i don't want to either. they're just distracting me, distracting my vision.

Off to write.

1507 - finished the 3 character charts. Working on a PACTS sentence next. I actually just smiled at something. I'm telling you i amy need to write just to survive.

1601 - lemon yogurt and ground flax seed time.

in case you are wondering, in between all of this angst and journalling and other stuff I am actually kicking out tons of work. I won't bore you with what i'm doing (because it bores me) but I can produce the work of about 3 or 4 people in the time it takes 1 person to do half his work.

I don't like lemon yogurt. i like most things lemon but this tastes like lemon soap. greek yogurt is great though. I'd wonder if I'm manic depressive but there's very little manic about my energy levels. I'm always tired. i am certainly most cheerful right now. i wish I knew exactly what did the trick. Probabbly all of the above.

writing
deep breathing
water
goals

1633 - I have 30 minutes to come up with my sentence first draft - needs to be 30 words or less.

1648 - 1st draft of 50 words - not bad

Mary, fat, dependant and boring, wants to die. Frank Hendersen, a demon/primorial god, is obsessed with Mary and wants her for his mate. Mary must actualize to be fit for Frank Hendersen, so she must be reborn each time she dies. Suburban New Jersey and a salt mine village in Austria.

There's plenty of room to cut down 20 words.

More on this later.

Now i need to do 500 words on the Intro by Vincent van Kingmaker before the day is over. i'm shutting down for now until i get home. I survived the day at work. Nice.

1735 - Got home about 10 minutes ago. It's snowing little cubes of ice. My brother was on the phone. He's ging to check to see if the number in my Directv account matches the receiver he bought. I just want to make sure they don't try to get me to turn inan extra receiver.

1844 - Just got done dinner. I did not add any salt - VICKTORY! Sauted chicken, rice, onions, red peppers, califlower and brocilli.

I finished my PACTS sentence for tSLBoM:

Mary, a housewife in New Jersey, wants to die. Frank, demon/god, is obsessed with Mary. He causes her to be repeatedly reborn, once in an ancient Austrian salt mine.

1919 - Ugh! 200 more words until I can finish for the day. But again I have to point out that when I finished eating I wanted more. I was thinking about chocolates again and I'm not a chocolate person. I want warm pudding cake. But I started writing and I forgot all about it. Until I got frustrated about not getting enough words.

1935 - Done. 509 words. I did tomorrow's todo list an hour ago. I am tired. I am in a much better mood. I wonder how the day will begin tomorrow.