Words are eluding me this morning. I woke at 0400 (the old time) with a full bladder and the MM laying on top of my head and nudging me out of bed. I couldn’t get back to sleep even after I moved him over for more room. Ever since my mother said she was worried I’d never get a job if I didn’t start looking now I’ve been having mini panic attacks. I’ve begun seriously doubting my self. I’ve been telling myself how inadequate and worthless I am. I’ve been trying to explore these thoughts and feelings instead of pushing them away but it’s painful and hard. Still I move forward despite feelings of sheer terror.
I’ve gone through 4 weeks of HTTS. I’ve gotten my novel notebook which I like much better than a steno pad. I’ve discovered that I can only make lists and outlines in top bound paper pads. I need side bound notebooks for writing anything else. And of course, they must lie flat or they are no good at all. My PACTS sentence for tSLBoM is getting better but it’s still not good enough yet. I took out the names because they are not descriptive. I’ve got Mary as a grandmother but I need a powerful adjective for her which I can’t seem to get. I am handing it over to Fiona to see what she can suggest to Fred.
Fiona is my Muse. Fred is my right brain and Frank is my left brain. I am curious as to why they all have names that begin with “f.” I’m sure that is somehow significant.
My novel notebook is all numbered. I wrote my wants and needs for the project on page one. I’ve got Mary, Vincent van Kingmaker and Aiden each on their own page and I wrote a theme a few pages back. My theme is loosely Want vs. Need.
I picked out a new couch at Jaron’s. QV and I will go look at it on Monday. My 401k account has been closed so we should get that money soon. Then, I’ll be able to get all of our bills caught up, debts paid off, the bedroom finished and maybe truly have a breather.
The Snoogs forgot The MM’s suitcase yesterday. I had to go to Target and buy him some clothes for the weekend. I haven’t shopped for little kids clothes in 25 years. Target had very little for 3 year old boys. What little they did have was mostly shorts. No jeans, only cargo pants. I had to settle for athletic type pants. I did find a Star Wars shirt he really liked and Angry Birds underwear that thrilled him, too. We’ll be meeting O & O and the nephew at the park for a walk since it’s supposed to be another sunny day then go over to O & O’s house where the Snoogs will meet us later and take The MM home. They are going to Florida in a week to help The Pirate’s grandparents with their house and to move into old folks homes.
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Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label feelings. Show all posts
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Monday, March 04, 2013
Monday, Sunny, Monday
It is Monday (I mention this as a way to remind myself what day of the week it is even though it really doesn’t matter much right now) and it is sunny. The sky is clear for the first time in many days both literally and figuratively. I did wake up last night around 0400 but that may have been more to The MM kicking me in the head than actual anxiety. Of course, once I was awake I began thinking about work things. I was easily able to talk myself out of the conversations this time though. I thought about the few things I left undone (because they were claims in the process of processing) and I told myself “screw it” they all need things to train on and I wasn’t very important so they’ll figure it out easily. I chuckled at the thought. I imagine it will be several days before I stop thinking of my “normal” routine but that will go away once I set up a new routine for myself.
The MM and I will go through his toys today. Our goal is to find the red angry bird and to organize and put things away better. I think I can get QV to take him up to the park to ride around in his jeep. I think The Pyrate will be here too so he can help entertain The MM while I begin going through my office boxes that are currently sitting all over my kitchen. It took four boxes to clean the stuff out of my office. I collected quite a bit of stuff in 16 years. I already cleaned all of the mugs I used to hold all of my pens.
When I woke during the night I realized I was actually analyzing my feelings. I can’t remember ever doing that before. I was afraid to look at how I felt because then I would have to make a decision which I was too petrified to make for myself. I recognized how hurt I am and also that I am very angry over what he said to me. Basically I was let go to protect himself. I was sacrificed in his effort to save himself. He started crying (pffth!) said he felt bad, I was a very good employee, but he had to protect the life he’s worked at since he was a teenager. As I was leaving, I offered to shake his hand and he’s the one who leaned in for a hug, so maybe there really isn’t anything wrong with me. Of course, what he starts telling people once I’m gone to justify himself, one never knows. He’s real good at bad mouthing people when they are no longer around to defend themselves. Do you know how to say coward? My crying for today is over. It was brief and mostly due to nostalgia.
I fell easily back to sleep and woke at 0700 when The MM woke up and laid on top of my head.
505
The MM and I will go through his toys today. Our goal is to find the red angry bird and to organize and put things away better. I think I can get QV to take him up to the park to ride around in his jeep. I think The Pyrate will be here too so he can help entertain The MM while I begin going through my office boxes that are currently sitting all over my kitchen. It took four boxes to clean the stuff out of my office. I collected quite a bit of stuff in 16 years. I already cleaned all of the mugs I used to hold all of my pens.
When I woke during the night I realized I was actually analyzing my feelings. I can’t remember ever doing that before. I was afraid to look at how I felt because then I would have to make a decision which I was too petrified to make for myself. I recognized how hurt I am and also that I am very angry over what he said to me. Basically I was let go to protect himself. I was sacrificed in his effort to save himself. He started crying (pffth!) said he felt bad, I was a very good employee, but he had to protect the life he’s worked at since he was a teenager. As I was leaving, I offered to shake his hand and he’s the one who leaned in for a hug, so maybe there really isn’t anything wrong with me. Of course, what he starts telling people once I’m gone to justify himself, one never knows. He’s real good at bad mouthing people when they are no longer around to defend themselves. Do you know how to say coward? My crying for today is over. It was brief and mostly due to nostalgia.
I fell easily back to sleep and woke at 0700 when The MM woke up and laid on top of my head.
505
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Fuck Me
Fuck me. That’s been my mantra since yesterday. Fuck me. I feel funny physically. Part of it is from my nose being cleared up. I haven’t eaten much. No appetite. I slept like crap. My body was still but my mind never shut off. I am trying to stay busy today so I don’t take a nap and mess up my sleep tonight.
I told The Snoogs. She was very supportive. Telling me what a fool he is. And that things won’t last long without me. I cried.
I texted my brother. He is going to call later. My parents haven’t been home all morning so I haven’t been able to get that out of the way. I filed for unemployment but we won’t be able to live on that and QV’s so I will have to cash out my 401k unless QV goes back to work in March like R says he will. I sent him and her an email to get my COBRA papers, 401k papers and my letter of recommendation. For 16 years of dedication, I get nothing but 2 days day. Nice, huh? He beat me out of 5 weeks of vacation. Again, I am not surprised. And he had the balls to get all teary eyed. It was hard for him.
I got dressed. Brushed my teeth. Brushed my hair. Emptied the dishwasher. Filled the dishwasher. Cleaned my Brita water jug and put in a new filter. Found my resume. Washed a load of laundry. I’m going to finish writing my 500 words here. Then, I will begin a list of all the things I want to do. I should take The Codes for a walk up and down the street before I do my list. I want to walk each day. It will be good for my brain and my body. I will cancel my gym subscription. I won’t need it and I need to save money.
I just got off the phone with my brother and then my parents. Got a text from my SIL. Everyone is very supportive. We are all agreed that this will be the best thing for me. I can’t stop crying. I just said to QV that I’ve cried more today than in the last 20 years we’ve been together. Everyone agrees that he’s the bad guy. My brother offered his recruiters at his workplace. That was really sweet but he’s all the way down the shore.
I watched all of my recorded comedies and two movies - Serenity and The Eagle. My stomach is grumbling a bit. I took a deep breath. I think I was dreading telling my family and now that that is all out of the way, I feel better. The back of my throat feels raw from post nasal drip. But I can breath again, in more ways than one. I can breath. I just realized I have no headache. I’ve had a headache every day when I worked. Now, my head is clear and I can breath again.
506
I told The Snoogs. She was very supportive. Telling me what a fool he is. And that things won’t last long without me. I cried.
I texted my brother. He is going to call later. My parents haven’t been home all morning so I haven’t been able to get that out of the way. I filed for unemployment but we won’t be able to live on that and QV’s so I will have to cash out my 401k unless QV goes back to work in March like R says he will. I sent him and her an email to get my COBRA papers, 401k papers and my letter of recommendation. For 16 years of dedication, I get nothing but 2 days day. Nice, huh? He beat me out of 5 weeks of vacation. Again, I am not surprised. And he had the balls to get all teary eyed. It was hard for him.
I got dressed. Brushed my teeth. Brushed my hair. Emptied the dishwasher. Filled the dishwasher. Cleaned my Brita water jug and put in a new filter. Found my resume. Washed a load of laundry. I’m going to finish writing my 500 words here. Then, I will begin a list of all the things I want to do. I should take The Codes for a walk up and down the street before I do my list. I want to walk each day. It will be good for my brain and my body. I will cancel my gym subscription. I won’t need it and I need to save money.
I just got off the phone with my brother and then my parents. Got a text from my SIL. Everyone is very supportive. We are all agreed that this will be the best thing for me. I can’t stop crying. I just said to QV that I’ve cried more today than in the last 20 years we’ve been together. Everyone agrees that he’s the bad guy. My brother offered his recruiters at his workplace. That was really sweet but he’s all the way down the shore.
I watched all of my recorded comedies and two movies - Serenity and The Eagle. My stomach is grumbling a bit. I took a deep breath. I think I was dreading telling my family and now that that is all out of the way, I feel better. The back of my throat feels raw from post nasal drip. But I can breath again, in more ways than one. I can breath. I just realized I have no headache. I’ve had a headache every day when I worked. Now, my head is clear and I can breath again.
506
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