A Blank Page

Words are eluding me this morning. I woke at 0400 (the old time) with a full bladder and the MM laying on top of my head and nudging me out of bed. I couldn’t get back to sleep even after I moved him over for more room. Ever since my mother said she was worried I’d never get a job if I didn’t start looking now I’ve been having mini panic attacks. I’ve begun seriously doubting my self. I’ve been telling myself how inadequate and worthless I am. I’ve been trying to explore these thoughts and feelings instead of pushing them away but it’s painful and hard. Still I move forward despite feelings of sheer terror.

I’ve gone through 4 weeks of HTTS. I’ve gotten my novel notebook which I like much better than a steno pad. I’ve discovered that I can only make lists and outlines in top bound paper pads. I need side bound notebooks for writing anything else. And of course, they must lie flat or they are no good at all. My PACTS sentence for tSLBoM is getting better but it’s still not good enough yet. I took out the names because they are not descriptive. I’ve got Mary as a grandmother but I need a powerful adjective for her which I can’t seem to get. I am handing it over to Fiona to see what she can suggest to Fred.

Fiona is my Muse. Fred is my right brain and Frank is my left brain. I am curious as to why they all have names that begin with “f.” I’m sure that is somehow significant.

My novel notebook is all numbered. I wrote my wants and needs for the project on page one. I’ve got Mary, Vincent van Kingmaker and Aiden each on their own page and I wrote a theme a few pages back. My theme is loosely Want vs. Need.

I picked out a new couch at Jaron’s. QV and I will go look at it on Monday. My 401k account has been closed so we should get that money soon. Then, I’ll be able to get all of our bills caught up, debts paid off, the bedroom finished and maybe truly have a breather.

The Snoogs forgot The MM’s suitcase yesterday. I had to go to Target and buy him some clothes for the weekend. I haven’t shopped for little kids clothes in 25 years. Target had very little for 3 year old boys. What little they did have was mostly shorts. No jeans, only cargo pants. I had to settle for athletic type pants. I did find a Star Wars shirt he really liked and Angry Birds underwear that thrilled him, too. We’ll be meeting O & O and the nephew at the park for a walk since it’s supposed to be another sunny day then go over to O & O’s house where the Snoogs will meet us later and take The MM home. They are going to Florida in a week to help The Pirate’s grandparents with their house and to move into old folks homes.

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a Whole Week

I made it through a whole week. A very productive week. I got lots done without too much stress.

I am disappointed that I reached out to her and she ignored my extended hand. I said I hope we can keep in touch at least over FB and I got no response back. So that’s my answer. I am not surprised. I should have known better but I took a shot. I also did a like to DM and was ignored. I need to leave it alone. They’ll all know me when I become a famous author. And then when I ignore them they can call me a snob to the press and then I’ll be able to tell my story. Not bitter much? Maybe a little.

What can I talk about today? I am ready to bang out The Salt Lover’s Book of Magic. I have my notebook and my cards and I’ve got my How To Think Sideways notebook. I even found my backup hard drive. I’ll be able to move over pictures. But that’s a side task that I will do after writing. I have 23 days to finish tSLBoM. That’s 23 full days not to be interrupted by any other things. I should take out the weekends because they will be taken up by The MM. Tomorrow, I’m taking him to O & O. 1st Niece will be there with my nephew. The MM will be thrilled. I won’t tell him until he’s there just in case 1st Niece changes her mind which she does. She wants her wedding to be on a cruise. Perfect, since I don’t like cruises and I have no money for a cruise. Then of course O & O won’t want to go.

The words aren’t coming so easily this morning. I was mad at QV because once again he didn’t come home until 1830. We ate dinner after seven again. He was discussing work with Big R. Yeah. OK. He wasn’t just drinking.

The DVR in the living room is not working. We can’t get any of the premium channels. I called several times to try several things and nothing worked. It’s still not working this morning so I will need to call again.

I slept well again last night. Fell right to sleep and didn’t wake up until 0515 and was wide awake today so I just got up. I had some neat dreams again but I can’t remember the content at all. I lost the subject as soon as I woke up.

I feel like I should go somewhere today just because I haven’t driven anywhere since Sunday but I really don’t feel like it. I plan on going to the library again over the weekend. I was thinking of asking BW if she wants to go to lunch or something later next week. Maybe go to the movies. Once I get my money, I’ll be going to IKEA to get our bedroom furniture. I will be the bedroom done. That’s my major goal besides paying off all of our debt so we don’t get any more calls from those vultures. And no more Credit cards from now on. We don’t need them.

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Oh, Sugars!

I slept until 0715 today. The MM woke at the same time so I didn’t get to write this morning. Right away he wanted to watch videos on my computer and silly me didn’t think to set him up on QV’s computer so I could do my thing. I’ll remember for next time. I took my time getting my day started. I read a bit from Game of Thrones. I’m trying to catch up to the TV show. The next season starts at the end of March. My lower back is a bit sore and I am tired from bleeding like a stuck pig. But that should be over in a couple of days. I don’t feel as tired as usual, I’m thinking because I am not so hopeless and depressed as I was before getting fired.

The MM and I went back up to see O & O again today. I left him with them for 2 hours while I went to the library. I renewed my account and got a new card. Then I read from GoT for half an hour. After that, I went into the cafe where I had a hot chocolate and a muffin while I wrote three pages in my paper journal. There were a lot of unruly children and their unruly parents. There was a man in a wheelchair that was drawing birds. He was a big man with grey hair and a grey beard and mustache. From an overheard conversation, he was a veteran. He showed his drawings to many people, especially to children and he encouraged any of them who said they liked to draw to keep at it no matter what anyone said to them. He said he was told he couldn’t draw as a child so he stopped for the longest time. Now he draws all of the time and wouldn’t stop for anyone. Sound familiar?

I enjoyed my time at the library and it went by really fast. I will want to go back there again some time. They have a poetry group that meets there on the second Thursday in March. I think the paper said the 14th at 1900. I’d like to go to that and see what the people are like. I’ll need to get out and meet people so I don’t get isolated. Being alone all of the time will not be good for me.

I was thinking about going back to the painting lady in Moorestown. I can’t think of her name right now, I think it was Gisela, something with a G anyway. I could go to her during the day once a week and do some small paintings with her to get lessons and ideas and techniques.

I’ve been trying to distract myself from tSLBoM so I don’t get ahead of myself. I will be starting serious work on it on Tuesday. I will also do HTTS so I can actually finish my book. I must have it published on Amazon by the end of March 2013.

I am off to do my websiTe post. I found a meme with questions about my current work in progress that I will use.

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