Grey Questions

GreyShades always asks some good questions. I liked these and thought I’d see how I would answer them today. I may revisit them in the future to see how my answers change.

I could give in and maybe be a little happier, but then that wouldn't be me would it?

On the surface, it looks like I’ve given in, but I haven’t. There is just a gloss of the world in which I’ve chosen to live, but I am still a square peg sitting cockeyed over a round hole. I used to struggle more with my differences, forcing them upon people that were not capable of dealing with me. I tried running from who I am. I tried (very half-heartedly) being someone else. None of these things worked. Giving in did not make me happier.

I have a small world. I didn’t want to give that up either. So, I quietly go about my business. Everyday, I shroud myself in the costume of my country, walk its streets and am me. If you look closely, I do not quite conform. Most days, I can juggle the different compartments of my life.

I could trade my world for someone else's, but then that wouldn't be what I wanted, would it?

I haven’t seen a life other than my own that I would want. I pick up bits and pieces here and there like I’m gathering sea shells and place them on a collage of my own making. Eventually, it will be a work of art. It is a work of art, in progress.

I could take what I'm not sure I want, but then would that be better than not getting what I want?

No, I’d rather do without. I made a conscious decision a few years ago, that I would only take what I truly wanted. No more buying just because it is on sale. No getting the knock off version because it is cheaper. I will wait until I can afford the thing I want, exactly as I want it, to the best of my ability, or nothing at all.

Do I even know what I want?

Usually I do or I keep asking until I do. I ask what is missing a lot.

Do I even know who I am anymore?

The older I get, the better I know myself. I am often deluded though.

Do I even know what makes me happy anymore?

Yes, I know what makes me happy. The key for me is to find the time for what makes me happy.

Am I lost in the melee of my surroundings?

No, I ignore my surroundings. I must usually force myself to pay attention.

Am I living in the real world or is this some pseudo-random scene?

Real is relative. I think we make our own realities.

Am I living in a conflicting world of today and the world that was yesterday?

I don’t know if I know what this means. I don’t live in the past, so it can’t conflict with my present world. While I believe the past affects our present and that we can and should learn from the past, today is today.

Am I taking some steps too soon and some steps too slow?

I usually take a lot of time making decisions, arguing the pros and cons in my mind, doing research asking other people their opinions. But once I make a decision I go full steam ahead until it’s done.

Do my thoughts control me or I control my thoughts?

Oh, this is a chicken or egg question. The answer is both, with no beginning or end to the vicious cycle. I think on the whole I should control my thoughts, but then I wouldn’t have any “Ah, Hah” moments and that’s no fun.
Is my heart and mind in the right place or are they wandering somewhere I don't want them to be? This is a both answer, too. When I am trying to make a conscious effort at something, I try to have my mind and heart in the right place. When I am into free form mode, I allow both to go as they will.

Will these shades of grey ever turn to color?

As far as I’m concerned, most things are shades of grey, which is not bad. It’s not easy, but that doesn’t make it a bad thing. I consider periods of pure color a gift from God, an epiphany.