A Second Look

I went through extreme sadness and panic on Thursday. I was almost ecstatic yesterday. I am headache free. I slept all night long without waking in the middle of the night with heart palpitations and rapid breathing for two nights in a row. Now it’s Saturday, day three of not working at TMS and how do I feel?

Well rested. Relaxed shoulders and neck. (I do have cramps but that’s unrelated to my employment status.) Physically I feel so much better than I did on Monday. Mentally, I’ve calmed down all the way around. I am at the point where I am thinking back on how I did things at work and wondering if I could of done things differently but I did a good job. I am convinced that this is in no way my fault except for staying someplace for so long where I was not appreciated and valued. I believe once again God stepped in and made the decision I was too afraid to make on my own. The Snoogs sent me a video yesterday that said in essence God is waiting to give me his best. I don’t always get what I want because he wants to give me his best.

In reviewing the 5 stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance) I find myself going through each one every few minutes when I think about being fired. I still can’t believe it sometimes because well I was there 16 years, more than 16 years. It’s like having your husband come to you and saying “I don’t love you anymore. I want a divorce.” Then, I’m really mad. I got nothing out of the breakup except hurt feelings. The bargaining part mostly consists of me wanting bad things to happen to him. And then switching back to saying no because I never really want bad things to happen to anyone. Not good for one’s Karma. I’m not too depressed because I am keeping busy and making plans. The key is to take control of my life. I’ve got things I want to do. I’ve got lots of things to do. Projects to finish. New ones to start. This process of control is part of the acceptance. Yes, this happened to me but I think it is a blessing and I will accept it as a gift. A gift that everyone seems to think I deserve so I will allow myself to believe it and go after what I really want from my life.

Surprisingly, I am not eating everything in the house. Most of my overeating came from stress too. I eat when I’m hungry and enjoy what I am eating.

The Nicks will be here shortly. He is staying through Monday night. We will be visiting O & O a little later in the morning. We’ll take him to the park to practice driving his four-wheeler and to walk through the woods. He’s getting older now, so I’ll have to see what activities we can start doing together other than just staying home and watching videos and playing computer games. Since I am well rested, I feel like doing things.

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