Karma

An hideous kid, an obnoxious little brat who ran around in circles like a dog chasing his tail, screamed in five second intervals, a grating alarm on the nerves of all the people present. His parents gave a baffled toss of their heads to the other adults giving them dirty looks and not so subtle hints that they control the apple of their eyes before someone turned him into apple sauce.

They were helpless with their admiration of the creation sprung forth from their loins. They presented words like, “genius, precocious, advanced and exceptional” to justify their poor parenting skills.

The other children in the group were not impressed. They were unafraid of corralling the rogue. They taunted and challenged the scamp to the deep swimming pool, daring him to prove his parents’ assertion that he could swim the breast stroke. When he refused to take the bait, he accidentally fell in.

Electronic Doom

An electronic cage enclosed a man of middle age who stood in the middle of the cage. Invisible currents ran from floor to ceiling, but a buzz sizzled the air and burnt carbon infected nostrils, clothes, hair and skin. The man stooped with weariness, his bare feet covering the only dry spot on the concrete floor. He feared the water because it conducted the electricity to his hair and singed the tips of his follicles. His grandfather had locked him in his torture cell three days ago to prevent him from reporting his grandfather to the police. Delusion gripped his grandfather's mind. His grandfather safeguarded a theft he had committed in his imagination. He told his grandfather he would never turn him into the police but his grandfather did not believe him and no one would be looking for him because he had lived the last few years on the streets.

Dimensional Garden

Out from under the monster, the little escort skipped a strong bounce propelling her into the concatenate dimension of wild blue waters swirling and bubbling in effervescent spheres of breathable air. The oxygen was so concentrated that she was lost in a high so soothing it consumed all of the stress that had weighed down upon her naked shoulders. The water washed away the paint covering the rest of her body, leaving her skin clean and pink. She floated within the warm liquid and dreamed of gardens of shining gems in brilliant reds, dazzling purples and luscious greens. She gave herself over to the amniotic womb and knew she could die here happy.

Random Phrase Timed Writing

A frustrated envelope unloaded a paste next to a rabid rumor. It refused to participate in the disbursement of false stories unless they were in the form of a plainly stated fictional correspondence. The envelope knew clearly that the missive formed by letters and words cut from magazines and newspapers couldn’t be a forthright note to the addressee. If someone were writing a letter of genuine worth he would do so in his own hand. The envelope did everything in its power to thwart the propagation of false news. Unfortunately, an envelope has very little power of its own.

Random Phrase Timed Writing

The pathetic fluid waves against any marginal consequence and then next thing you know all hell breaks loose. People should have some control over themselves. A mess like that is hard to clean up and it leaves a bad smell on your hands to boot. It should be a law that people clean up after themselves or at the very least pay some restitution to the person who does do the clean up. There was this time when I had to mop up after a complete stranger and I got this disgusting slime in a cut I had on my finger. My digit burned for days afterwards and it ballooned up to the size of a Vienna sausage and didn’t return to normal until I popped it and all of the yellow puss oozed out.

New Rule

No reading lovely and interesting blogs until my daily writing is done (who cares about the laundry.) Of course, I'll break this rule in, like, 43 minutes, tops.

Random Phrase Timed Writing

The litter wasted the solved roof into the lunchtime. He couldn't help himself. He tried to save the solved roof until the dinner hour, but the litter let go of the string which tied the solved roof to his chair and the solved roof floated up and away, through the clouds that blanketed the sun from his view. The litter watched with tears brimming in the outside corners of his eyes. Perhaps his parents were right and his life was nothing more than a heap of garbage. No, they were wrong. While he might tumble through his days like a piece of crumpled up paper blowing in the wind, he felt sure he could recycle his future into something useful and even a bit attractive. The solved roof was his first step in that process. If he could waste the solved roof in some spectacular way that attracted the attention of the media he'd be famous.

I have been putting off writing on my 2007 NaNoWriMo novel. I suspect I'm dealing with the "shoot yourself in the foot" syndrome. I insist upon beating it though so I am off to force myself to write anything on it.

It's rainy and dark today, the way I like it. I've spent the day in my studio (I love calling my space "my studio".)

I'm feeling much better. I've been writing and getting ready for Thanksgiving which for the first time is at my house. We're frying a turkey.

I designed this year's Christmas card today, in between doing laundry. I began construction. I should be on time this year.

Creating is good for me - I need it.

I'm Going, Already

I have been procrastinating and stalling all day. I said I would sort through books and papers and bills and I haven't done it yet. I am going at four, five minutes from now. No, really, I am going.

16:26 Update: I came upstairs, cleaned my new/old bookcase and my new/old desk, put HP and the Prisoner of Azkaban on the telly (it's a telly 'cause we're watching British) and now to the paper sort.

16:59 Update: Prizes for the September Scavenger Hunt are finally in mailers and ready to go to the post office. A month isn't too bad, is it? Now, I'm doing the papers. Leave me alone. You're distracting me.

17:18 Update: I had to feed The Codes; he was starving and then I had to wait for him to come back in from going pee-pee. But then I came back upstairs. Of course, I had to re-arrange my alter and light some paper-sorting incense and a paper-sorting candle, you know, for good paper-sorting Karma. Now, here we go.

19:47 Update: I was a paper-sorting demon. I will be able to sleep tonight. I also put things away in their new homes and even had dinner in between (hubby cooked.) I found the lawn seeding bill which I need to pay asap, like tomorrow, which I will. I am done for the night. I'll be up here again in the morning to do more. I'd like to have all of the old papers sorted, tossed or filed before the end of October. I think that's a can-do. Night.

Rain

I love long rainy days when I am home. It's like I don't need permission not to go out into the world. I can stay home guilt free. I will be cleaning my new old desk and book shelf today and cleaning up my office. I am bound and determined to finish this weekend. Enough is enough.

A Good Hair Day

I had my hair colored yesterday. My regular beautician went into labor in the morning, so Liz did my hair. She layered and thinned the sides, too and I really like my cut now.

My brother-in-law came over last night, which made my husband very happy. We are going to be art museum buddies, because very few people we know like to do these kinds of things. Maybe he'll go to galleries with me, too, and plays.

Mellow

I had a fairly quiet day at work. The big man is away this week. I was able to complete an entire job in one day. Sweet.

Books and Beggars

I don't go shopping much. I've never enjoyed it to my mother's despair. Big, expensive stores, yard sales, discount outlets, fairs: they all leave me cold. I make long lists of what I need and do power shopping. I'd rather do without than go buy it. Every once in a while, I'll lose my mind and decide to go to a book store or a craft store, two places I like because they sell my most favorite things in the world. I can never get back out quickly enough.

I used my Borders gift certificate today and spent twice as much. I bought On the Road by Jack Kerouac, You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hays, The New Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain and the workbook by Betty Edwards, The Dangerous Book for Boys by Conn and Hal Iggulden and the 2008 Writers' Market. I have no idea when I will be able to read these with the 2007 NaNoWriMo starting in a week and a half and then all of the holidays. It is necessary for me to win millions so I can stay home and write and read and craft. I do plan on using the Writers' Market. I need to try to make some money with my writing to see if I'm any good.

I bought a starter kit of Sculpey at JoAnn Fabrics along with a couple of books on the subject. I had an idea. Hopefully it works. You'll see it at my craft site if it does.

In my car with the window down because it is gorgeous today, in the parking lot of JoAnn Fabrics, trying to leave, a woman wearing designer jeans and t-shirt, stopped by my car and told me she was almost out of gas and asked me for money so she could get across the bridge. I told her I didn't have any cash on me.

When I stopped at the library to return my books and pick up two I reserved Snoogs, I think a guy was following me. I feel silly saying this because I'm old and looked like crap this afternoon, but I think he was none the less. He pulled up next to my car when there were lots of other spaces. He got out of his car, then got back in, pulled away, pulled back, then he was there again when I came out and waited and waited until I got in the driver side of my car. Then he said hello to me and made a few inane comments and then went the opposite way in the parking lot but then was there again behind me and followed me down the street. He finally turned off in another direction but watched where I went. Creepy. He was about 28 with dark close cut hair, no facial hair and driving a white car like a Nissan Versa. Just weird.

I watched our new yard sprinkler system work this afternoon. I found the process fascinating and I even ran through the one that crossed the driveway sidewalk. I looked to make sure the neighbors weren't watching first.

And now I'm going to spend the rest of the evening looking at my new books and crocheting my cousins scarf finished.

Rest

I could use a week alone: no phones, no other people, no responsibilities. I'm sure I'm not the only one. I'd like to be able to sleep and wake whenever I feel like it. Nap for a couple hours, get up and read for a few, then go back to sleep. I'm very lazy at heart.

Actually, I'd prefer sleeping all day and staying up all night. I can barely keep my eyes open each day between one and four.

I'm getting a wooden desk and bookcase for my home office today. Haven't seen them yet, but they've got to be better than a plastic utility table. They'll help me feel like a grown up.

Shoes

I like going barefooted. If my feet didn't get cold or there wasn't glass all over the ground I'd always be without shoes and socks. I believe this trait shows that I'm a hedonist at heart and that I don't like to conform. I'm such a rebel.

Spontaneous Self Hypnosis

Normally, I only zone out when I'm alone, but this week I got caught by several people. This is why I need a lot of alone time. I do self hypnosis/meditation to recharge since my sleep is so active with dreams. I was amazed at how utterly I could block what was going on around me and how easily I could do it. This has reminded me that I need to do a couple intentional sessions a day.

Exhausted

The past two weeks have been a killer. Between my normal work load, one of my colleagues retires today after 14 years. She gave us less than 2 weeks notice, so I had to organize a retirement dinner, a memory book and gifts, get everyone to cooperate and plan her exit package during that time while being slightly off in the health department for several days plus deal with several new key employees, talk my boss down from millions of projects he likes to start, but never finish at this time of year, get ready for corporate, health and workmen's comp insurance renewals, an irrigation system at home, my daughter's new job and a few other things.

I'm going to forget all about this stuff this weekend. Just reading and writing and picture taking.

This Week's Harvest.

The wind blows at five miles an hour bringing a crisp Autumn coolness and removing the New Jersey humidity. The sky hovers high above us in a crystal, clear blue. The dogwood in my front yard displays its red berries and rusty leaves. Rustling in the branches, moaning through the sailing masts, I declare the day perfect.

I managed to do two and half days of my three day mini fast (only one small meal a day - dinner - because a full fast would bring too many questions.) I felt cleansed. I will manage the full three days next month as I will prepare myself better.

This week was an awakening for me. I vowed only to say positive things as part of my New Year resolution. Thumper has no competition. I rudely brought to my attention that I am a sarcastic, pessimistic smart mouth. I can only go up from here.

I have lost 17 pounds in the last six months just from walking a half hour each day. I have made no other conscious changes. Now that Fall is here I may add another healthy commitment, but not about food. My food commitment is that I can have whatever I want when I want. No more punishing myself with food. That was my first commitment.

Merry Mabon

In celebration of the first day of Autumn, thanksgiving and changing the negative to the positive, I will do just that. While it may be difficult to control my thoughts, I can control my speech. I will strive to make every word I utter a positive force.

May your harvest be abundant and your Cornucopia overflowing.

Brokeback Heart

If my mother knew the bog of despair and gray depression her remarks create, would she change them? I struggle daily to rise above the sucking cesspit in my head that tells me how inadequate and unworthy I am. The mire in my mind speaks in my mother’s voice.

Hourly, I must stitch up the cuts in my heart sliced there by her words. My heart oozes the blood of her insults and unhappiness.

I scream to drown her out but the volume never covers up her incessant disappointment.

I tried running away but sound travels. I tried dealing with it but I never developed the proper skills. I tried explaining but we speak different languages.

My voice tells my daughter to understand and not to hate. I train her to stop the poison at her ears. I tell her of her value and her worth so that I might hear it, too.

Gratitude 2

1. The weather continues fine for which I am very grateful. This is my favorite time of the year. Cool, crisp, clear, clean.

2. I am grateful that I can find the time to do the things I love between doing the things I need to do. I am grateful I can do the things I need to do.

3. I am grateful my refinance went well and went off without a hitch. Now I can move on to better things.

It's Not a Secret Anymore 1

I drive down the road with the top down, my dark sunglasses on and the wind whipping through my hair.

The radio blares out some 60's tunes as I sing at the top of my lungs.

I am happy and grateful that I own a car just like this one.

Gratitude 1

1. 70 degrees, no humidity, baby blue sky with big poofy white clouds and a brisk breeze; my favorite weather. Weather like this makes everything cleaner and sweeter and happy-go-lucky.

2. My husband loves me.

3. My daughter likes me.

Committed

So far, I have managed to walk every day with The Codes. I have even added a few minutes starting this week. I am still waiting for some additional energy, but I think my exhaustion is mostly because I do not get enough quiet time, which I think I need more of than most people.

Food Is Fuel

Food is fuel.
Food is fun.
Food is flavorful.
Food can be fattening.
Food can be fatal.
Food can be frightening.
Food is family.
Food is a fiesta.
Food is fabulous.
Food is filling.
Food is feeling.
Food is fault.
Food is faithless.
Food is familiar.
Food can be a fad.
Lack of food can make you fade.
Too much food can make you fade.
Food can be a friend.
Food can be a fiend.
Food finds me feverishly looking for freedom.
Food is fuel.

Great Golly

The weekend turned out to be very busy. I took The Codes to his girlfriend for a bath and brush and trim. I planted my front flower beds and they look like a box of crayons. I read. I wrote. I laundered. I watched movies. I walked.

I bought a candy bar and put it in my desk drawer at work. I wanted it, so I bought it, but then after allowing myself to have it, I discovered I didn't really want it. Throughout the day, I said I wanted something and I told myself I could have whatever I wanted and the moments passed unacted upon.

I have committed to walking The Codes everyday. That seems like a good place to start. There has been cookies and ice cream and potato chips in the house all weekend and they are all still there, unopened. Score!

Voices In My Head

Negative talk takes so many forms. I have found that denying myself things makes me want them all the more. Well, no real suprise there.

"You can't have that. It's fattening. It's unhealthy. It's not practical. It's not on sale. It's not part of the vision of our world."

Instead of obsessing anout what I can not have and talking myself out of things, I am telling myself throughout the day, "You can have whatever you want."

Over the last week, I have thought less about food. If I found I had a craving for something, I told myself, without guilt, that I could have it. I even went out and bought it a couple of times but never ate it. Or, more often, my mind moved on to something else that wasn't food related.

And I am much more relaxed.

As You Wish

Since I have begun telling myself I can have whatever I want to eat, my urge to eat all of the food within a 20 mile radius has subsided.

Roadmap

I feel much better this week. I read Joseph Campbell's Pathways to Bliss and found this well respected and learned man saying things I have believed for so long. He has helped me feel better and slighty less lost; perhaps, validated is a better way of putting it.

I think I have a better direction in which to travel.

Pthht!

I feel like a petulant child of three having a prolonged temper tantrum. Will someone please send me to my room for quiet time?

Alban Eilir

It's the first day of Spring and time for a new outlook on life.

I walked at lunchtime. Actually, I strolled, which was lovely.

I have this weird new thing I'm going to try. I was trying to come up with something to replace eating when I got stressed or nervous. Something like smoking (which I don't want to start again) or crocheting (but I can't do this at work or at parties) or chewing gum (makes my jaw hurt and makes me hungry) or chewing on a pen (yuck.) Then I was doing something with timecards and pulled the rubber band off and began playing with it and it works. Almost like a hynosis gimmic. I've been doing it all day and it's working. I'm blowing off nervous energy, I can hide it, I can snap it to get myself back when I zone out, I can put it around my wrist for when I need it. It's like wiggling your foot, biting your nails or tapping a pen, but better.

I'm going to make a real list of things I want to do before I die.

Thumbsucker

I just watched a movie called Thumbsucker. The movie basically said we are all scared and no matter what form of soothing any of us use, we are all trying to alliviate that fear and the reality is that we are all ok.

I don't know. I feel all goofy now. I have creepy crawlies under my skin and i could explode like a firecracker.

I feel like I should be doing something with myself like jumping out of airplanes or volunteering in a leper colony. Instead, I plod through my ordinary life with nothing extraordinary going on, just annoying knats of everyday mundane bullshit buzzing around my head.

Nothing I do really matters, it's just all boring.

Hibernation - An End

Usually, I survive on five to six hours of sleep a night. About two weeks ago, I took pity on myself. I have left clean clothes unfolded, dishes in the sink for someone else to clean and I refused to multi-task, even at work.

I have been sleeping eight to nine hours a night. I took naps on the weekends. Everyone thinks I am ill. They can't seem to wrap their minds around my new response when they ask me to do something for them: "I don't wanna." And I haven't caved.

I feel better now. I have regrouped. I feel like a fog has lifted from my mind. I am going to see how long I can swim against this tide.

Friday

Friday was bad. A culmination of office wide female dissatisfaction. We are all to the point where we do not any change for the better and we are feeding off of each others’ misery. People are openly discussing leaving in the near future. It’s a shame because we all like each other but the constant pressure is too much. Everything is last minute; fixing someone else’s mess; compensating for people who do not have to do their jobs. All of this makes it too hard on us and we do not want to do it any more because the rewards no longer outweigh the benefits. I was in bed by 19.30 after one small glass of wine and without doing the things I wanted to do. I was too tired to even read.

08.25 – I’m already annoyed. Men in this company just get to do whatever they want. When we were talking last night in the parking lot, I made a comment that if we women did not care what other people thought of us, we could get away with shit like the men do. I’m going to try to remember that in the future, because that’s why we allow ourselves to be taken advantage of by the men. We do their jobs and clean up their messes so they don’t think badly of us.

08.32 – I didn’t pack a lunch today and I don’t feel like being virtuous. I’m tired and emotionally exhausted and no one seems to care. If one more person says to me “I’m tired, too.” I’m going to punch them in the face. The correct response is, “I can certainly understand why you would be tired.” I don’t tell people very often what’s going on with me. One would think they’d be just a little bit aware. In case you hadn’t noticed, this is a dumping ground; the landfill of my soul; a bitchfest and I like it. I’m going to have some cream of tomato soup for breakfast.

09.08 – My bookkeeper said working here is like being in a bad marriage and she has it absolutely right. We may all end up leaving at the same time. I love cream of tomato soup. It would be better with slivered up hotdogs and Ritz crackers crumbled in. We are having Chinese for lunch.

14.00 – I am numb and full. I ate all of my Sesame Chicken and brown rice with two cans of Diet Coke. I am calm but feel yucky full. Plus I want a nap now. Lots of stupid stuff happened in the past five hours but right now I don’t care. I’m off to copy a file for the lawyers for an upcoming lawsuit. I have already copied the files once but apparently people can’t pass shit on, so I get to do it again.

09.14 – I spent all morning at home reading blogs. I did make my lunch, QV’s lunch and Snoogs lunch. I also took a shower, but other than that, just blogs. Then the Codes wouldn’t come in the house. I was 15 minutes late for work. I’ve spent the last hour cleaning up piddly shit (going over, again, who owes logs, the two w/c insurance audit credits and when we will get them, adding a truck to our ezpass account, clearing up and answering emails and discussing our lack of cash flow.) Now I am going to do the things on MY TODO list.

09.24 – I want about 15 pb&j sandwiches (I have one for lunch.) I have wanted them since last night. Both QV and Snoogs prevented me having them by catching me at it and stopping me (thank you them even though I hate them for it.) Why do I want why do I want the extra food? Because I am disappointed in myself for not taking care of my financial homework and for not doing my filing. That’s why and I still don’t wanna.

10.29 – I just caved and ate my pb&j sandwich because my boss is an asshole. I remind him of something he needs to do because time is running out on the deadline and he asks for an impromptu dissertation on the subject and he’s not even listening. He is so passive/aggressive and it really pisses me the hell off. Fucker.

11.07 I could kill for a side of beef right now I am so obsessively upset over this stupid thing. Why can’t I let it go? Because he purposely tried to place me at a disadvantage and he tried to make me feel inadequate, which is how I feel but I’m not and he though I defended myself I still feel inadequate and I am angry. Look an actual feeling word. Here are some more feeling words: Fucker, Fucker, Fucker. I want to hit him over the head and kick him in the stomach. And I want to pull the hairs out of his mustache one by one and drop them in his eye balls. I’m starting to feel better. Who knew that giving vent to my fantasies like this would work? I might be doing more of this, so be wary if you are actually reading any of this crap. He, he, ha, ha, ho, ho.

11.13 – I’m telling you I really feel much better after the above entry. Cool.

11.55 – I could cry right now I am so frustrated and annoyed. In-between someone said they were going out to get lunch and did I want something. First I said no but then I said yes and then I said no again and almost burst into tears. I really hate all of this strife and arguing and defending people that don’t deserve it and having to rearrange my schedule to compensate for the bullshit inability other people have in managing their lives. I’m tired of this crap and being angry all of the time. I shouldn’t have to spend 9 hours a day on guard and in a defensive position or trying to think of ways to be in an offensive position to compensate. No wonder I eat like crazy. I am so wired right now and the only thing that calms me down and numbs me so I can function is major does of carbs and fat. I’m going to start drinking or taking ludes for God’s sake, except then I’d be asleep all day long, which would be ok but no one is going to pay me for that. I’m taking a deep breath now. And another. I’m beginning to think straight again, but seriously I could cry I am so frustrated.

BREATH – sun is warm (not today but I can fantasize)
SMILE – grass is green (soon.)

This is how that breathing lady (you know the one she has infomercials where you get fit and skinny by breathing. She has lots of long bleach blonde hair and big poufy lips and long nails.) If I could just slow down enough in my headlong panic to breath, I’d be better off. Trouble is most times I can’t remember to do that until after I’ve eaten a whole cake.

12.33 – I took a breather break. That helped calm me down but I still feel like crying because I feel like nothing is going to get better here and I know it won’t and that means I will have to leave and I don’t …maybe I do. Now my boss’ wife just came in and began asking me computer questions because their son has 125 viruses on his computer and so he’s using theirs and it’s our MIS guy’s fault for not installing an antivirus program on their son’s computer. And my boss’ father was in here a little while ago saying he’s going to get involved in the company again. I’ll be leaving even sooner if that happens. I’m taking more deep breaths.

I want to leave the building but it’s raining so I can’t go to the park. I need to go to the mall but I’m afraid I will stop at McDonalds on my way there and then on my way back again. Maybe after a few minutes I’ll going. The boss and all of his family members are out so I will have a few moments of peace. Maybe I’ll go when they come back.

13.43 – I’m back. I went to Kitchen Kapers to exchange my cracked salad spinner. On the way back it started raining. Oddly, that makes me feel better. I took some artsy type raindrop photos while I was out too. I did not get and eat any food. Yay for me. As I was leaving and getting in my car, I was reflecting how painful this paying attention to my inner feelings and sensations is. It really hurts and is very uncomfortable. No wonder I have been dulling the pain with food. And I guess since it’s been so long since I’ve done it, it is doubly and triply uncomfortable. Sucks man.

15.27 – Just got done meeting with my boss and our 401k tpa. We are not changing anything, which is what I suggested ages ago but we had to have a total of five meetings to make that decision. I am exhausted. I’m eating my salad now. I waited in case I slopped dressing on my shirt again, little piggy that I am.

15.54 – I just got done talking to a wacky lady over a claim. Why do I take these things so personally? Now I want popcorn. I had my salad and I ate my Kashi bar but I want more. I am really exhausted today. The IRS cashed my check so that age old problem from when I was a poor single mother is finally done. Whoo hoo for future refund checks.

16.34 – I distracted myself by reading the silly stories of the world’s Attention Whores. I will not mention them by name (my own personal boycott) but you know who they are anyway. I think I’ve made it through another day at work without falling off of the wagon. Now I just need a strategy for at home at night before bed when I want cheese cake.

18:12 - Stopped on the way home by the river to see what it looked like because when I took pictures it was frozen over. Today, the ice was breaking up like an ice breaker ship went through. I took pictures. Made me feel a little better.

Yesterday

08.21 – I’m at work. I have already done a load of laundry, checked all of my blog list, got the papers together for tonight, straightened up the kitchen, made a list of things QV is to do today to get ready for tonight and made my daily TODO list. I love lists. QV and Snoogs really annoy me sometimes because they try so hard to misunderstand each other. They ruined my night. Snoogs told a stupid joke what QV as the object of the joke (stupid girl) and QV insisted she was serious (idiot husband.) I’m going to start going to bars after work. I think that will help. Unfortunately, people like to hunt me down. I hate everyone this morning.

My work TODO list: payroll, health insurance bill (they totally screwed it up when I asked to have the health and dental on the same bill – now the invoices are inflated and of course they have no idea what they did wrong.), then I must reconcile petty cash and several trips and make up new benefits packages for those people who haven’t gotten theirs, plus if there is time, I must go online and register our trailers.

My personal TODO for today: pay the phone company which I hate, pay car insurance, cell phones, water and electric (yipee for paying bills) see if I can get online at QV work to check his benefits, call my brother about his wife’s BD Sunday, make her card, write up our budget for the finance lady tonight, find out the date of our family reunion so I can schedule off. I love lists.

09.08 – I am annoyed at our bookkeeper because I have to drop everything and look online at our AmEx account to see why there is a debit to our bank account. One would think since she needs to know this stuff now she’d do it herself, pain in the ass.

09.18 – I can tell this is not going to be a good day. Already I am being annoyed by everyone that crosses my path. Now our dispatcher suggested I misplaced a driver’s logs, because the driver says he turned them in, like he’s known for his reliability. Is it wrong to hit people when they annoy you? Please say no.

09.28 – I’m having my yogurt smoothie and Kashi bar. Maybe the carbs will clam me down. I need to fix my lunchbox handles so my lunchbox doesn’t spin upside down (another thaing that annoys me – shoddy engineering.)

10.25 – Took my vitamins. Talked to my brother who is always funny. He went to the Bahamamas for our cousin’s wedding. Our relatives definitely qualify as white trash; multiple DUI’s and marriages and arrests. Everyone was drunk for the wedding except my brother, his wife and our cousin. Snoogs walked into his office while we were talking (my brother and my daughter work at the same hospital.) She told him he needs to get his ass moving and yes, he’s her boss. Isn’t family great?

11.06 – I just stood up and stretched. That felt good. My boss was in my office making me nuts for an half hour then my bookkeeper was here for 15 minutes complaining about my boss. I spend more time listening to other people complain. My life is such a joy.

11.20 – I am eating lunch because I am hungry. I get up at 04.30 so that’s 7 hours. QV called. Our meeting with the financial advisors is cancelled for tonight. That’s a good thing; gives me more time to procrastinate.

11.47 – I finished my sandwich and my salad and I am totally unfullfilled. I want something more. Maybe its because I don’t have our budget done and I am castigating myself for my inability to do what needs to be done in a more timely fashion. Maybe it’s because I want some ice cream. Actually I want a Diet Coke but there’s so much salt in them that they make me feel even worse, so I’ll have water instead. – done taking a gulp – I like water and can drink lots. My mother always worried I had diabietes because of how much liquid I require, and I don’t. I’ve been tested many times. I have flecks of Catalina salad dressing all over my white shirt. I really should pay attention while I eat. So much for eating at my desk. I’m feeling fuller now. Not totally satisfied, but fuller. Back to checking time card math.

12.12 – Actually I feel quite full right now. Almost too full. This paying attention to feelings is crap and a pain in the ass.

14.16 – Finished payroll. I’m eating my soy beans. I started thinking about changing jobs and all that it would mean. And I thought about how little time I have to study for my certification test. Now I’m all nervious and anxious.

15.25 – I finished my chapter for the day. I must read one a day if I am going to make it by May 1st and have time do study. Someone just made popcorn. I love the smell of popcorn.

15.48 – Grape time.

16.09 – I was just wondering what if Hilary and Barak ran on the same ticket? Who would be VP? I’m tired.

16.35 – Time to pee again, which is the big problem with drinking lots of water and not eating lots of salt. Can nothing ever be perfect? I wonder if I can remember the six emotions: happy, sad, angry. That’s it; the extent of my emotional depth.

15.56 – Almost time. Woo – hoo. And I will do my filing tonight at home. I will really. And finish the budget. And if I’m a good girl, blog. Yipee.


* * * Update * * *
QV and Snoogs actually had an extended and amiable conversation tonight.

I lied. I didn't do my filing. I was in bed by 19.30.

09.15 - I have no idea how I feel. Sometimes, well, really most times, I’m very annoyed but I don’t think that’s a real emotion. As a matter of fact, I’m annoyed most of the time, so that is just a state of being, a distraction from what is really going on. When I’m annoyed that means that someone outside of myself is imposing on me and I don’t like it. They are breaking into my internal reverie; disturbing my train of thought; forcing reality on the little fantasy world I have going on in my head all of the time. I’d be really happy if I could be a hermit and day dream my life away. (116)

09.26 – I always feel better when I am writing but I fear that is a distraction, too.

09.32 – I’m eating my lunch because I just read some comments on my art (and they were good) and now I feel uncomfortable. I feel like a fraud. I am nervous. I am scared. I want a V-8.

10.21 – I just got done with the mind numbing sort of drivers’ logs. I’m worried about my puppy. He had a bunch of shots yesterday and the shots always make him lethargic. He didn’t even pee this morning. He just stood outside staring into space like a person on Prozac. I want lots of money (please God, I don’t want anyone to die so I can get it – the lottery will do) so I can stay home with my baby. I love my Codels.

10.41 – I am ready for a nap. “Per chance to dream.” I’m bored.

11.21 – I hate our copiers. They are digital computer copiers that print like laser printers and they are so fucking slow I could die and be resurrected before they are done making my damn copies. Damn it! My stomach is all distended from the sandwich I had for lunch/breakfast. And the V-8 juice keeps repeating on me and I do not have my Tums in my lunch box.

Whine, whine, whine, whine, whine, pthst.

11.32 – I want some Häagen-Dazs dulce de leche ice cream. I’m not hungry, I just want some. I am very full but I could eat some ice cream. Actually now that I am really thinking about it, I couldn’t eat anything right now. I might throw up. I have no energy though. I still want a nap. Maybe I’m depressed and not bored. Maybe I am both. I just don’t want to be here.

11.40 – Maybe some water. I am a bit parched. Yes, I really think in this stupid voice. - - - that is better.

12.24 – I distracted myself with writing limericks. I feel more awake and alert. Bully for me. Back to logs.

12.46 – I’m picking at my fava beans (they are really soy beans.) It’s like eating nuts.

13.03 – Off to potty then a lunchtime study. One hour of reading boring HR books.

13.09 – I want sugar. I’ll have some grapes and a Kashi bar instead. Oh, yum. I spoke with my husband at 11.30 as he was on his way home from work. He was going to check on my puppy and call me. He didn’t call. I called him and he didn’t answer his cell phone. Now, I’m worried about my puppy even more and I’m mad at my husband. Let me call him again, the old fart. - - - No answer on the cell phone or the house phone. What the hell?

13.20 – QV (my husband) just called. He had his phone on the counter while he was out chopping up ice on the driveway. He said Cody was fine and so was he, thanks for asking. Yeah, ok, like I never ask.

14.04 – My brain is fuzzy from reading. I never did have my grapes and Kashi bar; maybe later. I’m going to get up from my desk and walk around the office, and then it’s back to logs.
14.22 – Why do I like salt so much? Those soy beans are so good with some salt on them. I’m using Lite Salt, though, which isn’t bad.

14.37 – I’m eating my grapes and Kashi bar now. I’m hungry. I keep thinking about all of the piles of papers in my office at home that I will have to force myself to deal with tonight. I should have done it over the weekend instead of start a new blog. Now I feel I won’t be ready for our FA tomorrow night. And I still haven’t detailed our budget. I hate it when I procrastinate. It sucks.

15.00 – Why do people ask my opinion only to tell me I’m wrong? If you really don’t want to hear what I have to say, quite asking me. I have no great need to tell you. Leave me the hell alone. I should just turn it around and ask what they think then agree with them. Yeah, that’s what I will do. I can then zone out while they are talking and just nod when they are done. Sounds like a good plan.

15.09 – I want potato chips and candy and tomato soup because I am frustrated that nothing ever gets done here at work unless it becomes a crisis.

15.15 – I think the way bounty hunters can do whatever they want to anyone is terrible. While I’m glad he caught that perve in Mexico, they should have some rules to follow.

15.51 – My desk is very clean. I like it. I cleaned it on Friday. It was really dirty and dusty, but now it’s not. I’m waiting for my coffee Coolatta from Dunkin Donuts. I like coffee slurpies and I need a caffeine boost for tonight.

16.03 – My Coolatta has arrived and it is yummy. Excuse me while I enjoy.

16.59 – Almost time for freedom. Jason Isaacs is hot. I love his blue eyes and black hair. Ding, ding, ding. It is five of the clock.

My parents just gave me some canvases that my long dead grandfather painted. I remember when I was a young child people commented that I got my artistic talent and interest from him, which is asinine as he isn’t really related to me. He just married my grandmother.

I always wanted the paintings because his work always spoke to me. Now, as I sit here looking at them hanging on my walls, I wonder what exactly they say. I like the paintings and the few chalk drawings he did that I have but I hate the man. I look at the canvases, focusing just on the paint and composition and brush strokes and I think, “Good art.” Then, I think of him and want to puke. I begin to cry. What sick person hangs paintings in her home done by the man who molested her when she was eleven?

I tell myself it is time to work through these feelings but I haven’t got any idea what these feelings are. I loved that man; he understood standing in a mountain top field and just looking, without talking, without comment, just feeling the colors and hearing the movement of the leaves on the trees. I wanted to be part of that. I wanted to paint, I wanted to draw.

One day I decided to go to the basement to get wood to heat up the water heater so he could have his bath when he came home that afternoon. I locked myself out. I went to the beer garden where he had his beers after work. Wasn’t I cute, he told his friends, when I explained what had happened. He took me home. We stoked up the fire. He molested me.

I had seen my mother nearly throw him out of his own house when he picked on my younger brother for using only one utensil at dinner. So, I told my mother and she told me not to upset anyone. I never told anyone else. I now sit with my back to walls and watch other people so as not to be taken by surprise. I trust no one, least of all myself.

I look at these paintings and hate him for making my sweet gesture filthy and for stealing another chunk of innocence and making me doubt myself and for adding to my warped feelings about my physical self image.

I hate my mother for sweeping it under the rug and only caring about appearances.

I hate my father for never being there to protect me.

I hate myself most of all for being a target. I continue to hate myself.

While I have come to terms with the situation and I have forgiven my parents and even him, I have not been able to forgive myself. Can I ever, deep down in my core, believe and trust myself again?

Miracle

I keep waiting for a miracle. That one "aha" moment that removes my uncontrollable urge to eat during every waking moment. I don't want to exchange one addiction for another. I want to solve the obsession.

Frustration, Again

Today was a very frustrating day.

First it rained all day so I couldn't get my walks in, although I guess I could have gone to the mall to walk, now that I think aboput it. Poo.

Second, as usual, my boss is making changes that affect the office staff but no one else, leaving us at a disadvantage. Every time I turn around, he's giving money to people who do not deserve it or people who do not follow policy. It wouldn't be so bad if these people did something for the company, but what is really happening is my boss gets to feel like an important person while the business slow goes down the drain.

And all I can do is think about all of the additional work I will have to do as he eliminates office staff but not offic work. And just ecause hte few of us left are extremely capable we get the work done and get screwed.

I just have to remind myself that this is temporary as I have begun my plans to move on. It's just sad though. This WAS a very good job. Time to go fill out my HR Certification application so I can take the test in May. Then I must dig out my study material. Thank goodness I have dealt with almost every possible situation where I work so I have practical experience to help me remember things.

My daughter and her boyfriend did pass their EMT certifications so that is an excellant thing. They are now officially qualified to save my life.

Routine

I have begun walking again. This beautiful weather makes it easy. I walk Cody a mile in the morning before work and then I walk a mile a lunchtime. A one mile track in a park is just a couple of blocks away, so I go there.

I am trying to feel my feelings more and express them, too. It's hard though. I feel out of control. So far though, no one has run away from me or told me they hate me. I feel wonky right now just talking about it.

I remember being self contained as a small child, I think because i was always around adults, with few playmates my own age. I'd have no problems being a hermit, but alas, I have chosen a different path. So I must learn to walk it well.

Map

The books are in and I will pick them up tomorrow. We shall see if they help.

I feel more relaxed today. I see a path before me that I want to travel and I may be capable of overcoming the hurdles that will inevitably be placed in front of me.

Grateful – I feel grateful that I now have my own space.
Happy – I fee happy that I can visualize how it will look.
Secure – I feel secure because my husband will put effort into making my space special.
Proud – I feel proud that I have begun organizing myself.
Angry – I fee angry because dinner is late.
Sad – I feel sad that I am not more sociable.
Afraid – I feel afraid that I will not reach my weight loss goals.
Guilty – I still feel guilty about not calling big Erika back.

Emotions

There are four positive emotions and four negative emotions. Write a short "first thing that pops into your mind" sentence for each. If there's an emotion you can't write a sentence for, you've identified your problem. This omitted feeling is often the one that is simmering beneath the surface and triggering overeating. - The Solution by Laurel Mellin

Grateful – I feel grateful I have a job.
Happy – I feel happy I got my new books.
Secure – I don’t feel secure.
Proud – I feel proud that Diesel gave me a good review on Happenstance.
Angry – I feel angry that ** is dead.
Sad – I feel sad that ** felt he had to kill himself.
Afraid – I feel afraid ** killed himself.
Guilty – I feel guilty about not calling big Erika back.

So, why don't I feel secure? Well, that I know. How do I feel secure? That I've never been able to discover. The book is on order. Maybe it will help me find the answer.

Joints

My wrists, ankles, knees and right hip ache. That's because I actually moved this weekend.

Frustration, Annoyance and Crap

Blogger keeps screwing with my pictures. My boss acted rude and ignorant all day today, plus he rambled on incessantly over things I already knew. I think he just wanted to here himself talk. I wanted to print out my Christmas cards and never could find the time. My back still hurts just enough to slow me down. I still have two gifts to buy. I hate whiners, so I'll go now.

Another Day...

It's bedtime and I have no real sense of how I got here today. To top it off, I don't want to review my day because it was boring enough going through it the first time.

I think I'll go dream and be entertained.

Wasted

I wasted the entired weekend. I had plans to accomplished all kinds of things. I had a vacation day on Friday. I took Cody to the groomer and had my hair done at the same time (no, not by the groomer, you smarty pants.) I took my mother's Christmas letter to her so she could mail out her cards. I redid my blogroll today. That's all I accomplished in three days.


The one thing I wanted to finish was the final design on my Christmas cards. I have the final idea done, I just need to execute the design.

Friday evening I started feeling punky. I think I had a mild infection, slightly feverish, no energy, dizzier than usual. I spent the day in bed Saturday. Then sometime during the day my lower back began hurting. So, today, even though I felt a little better I couldn't move much. I sat on a heating pad all day and half-heartedly played on the internet.

I used to feel very guilty when I did this but not anymore. I have begun to think this is my subconscience way of getting a break.

Triple Dog Dare

I am really pissed off with myself that I can’t get a handle on my food problems (I hate the word issues.)

Today, I begin walking again. I went shopping yesterday for five hours and was incapable of moving for the rest of the day because my knees hurt so badly.

It is very obvious to me that I am just being lazy. There has never been anything I couldn’t do if I wanted to do it. That means I haven’t wanted to take care of this debilitating situation enough. Well, I am officially double daring myself to get my great, big, fat ass moving.

I want to be at a normal weight and respectably mobile by the time I’m fifty. That gives me two years.

Don’t think I am being hard on myself either. I’m not. I deserve a swift kick, believe me.

Sight – You kissed somebody you liked. – We walked down the dirt road by a lake that shimmered in the light of the setting sun. A small breeze blew threw the trees and skipped across the top of the field grasses. Our fingers brushed as we leaned into one another. At a quiet bend, out of sight of our friends, I stood on tip-toe and kissed him.

Smell – You laughed at a joke. – I burned the popcorn again at work. I laughed every time someone brought up the lingering stench and my inability to focus on this simple taste. I was the joke of the day.

Touch – You received money. – Glitter sprinkled over the top of the card. Sharp edges like mini shards of broken glass tingled along my fingertips as I ran them over the surface. When I opened my Birthday card, fifty dollars fluttered to the floor.

Color – You felt young. – Apple green leaves sprouted from brown twigs. A breeze ruffled my corn blonde hair. The sky and river mirrored each other in cornflower and baby blues. Golden sunlight bounced across the tops of trees, wavelets and birds wings. Butterflies joined me as I skipped to my car.

Taste – You liked life. – Hot raspberry sauce poured in the bottom of a tall parfait dish. Creamy vanilla ice cream scooped in next followed by more warm red liquid and topped with whipped cream and a sugar wafer. Sitting in the ice cream shop with my Oma, she watching with a lovely little smile as I slowly devoured heaven.

Movement – You played a game. – I slammed my palm on the edge of the table as I rolled my dice. I needed a six to move out from home and then roll again. Six showed its happy face and I hit the table surface, bouncing board, marbles and dice. One dark globette rolled off of its spot and across the floor.

Emotion – You bested something dangerous. – I have very violent urges. I have always known that there is a point where I could go over the edge. Patience, patience, patience, explodes. This worried me when I had my daughter because besides this internal time bomb, my mother was a wooden spoon disciplinarian. So, there were times when I thought I could be a child abuser. I was relieved and overjoyed each time I didn’t follow through on my impulse to beat my daughter.

Loudness – You acquired an animal. – My daughter wanted a dog. I am not normally a dog person. I told her we could only get one if it came from a pound and it had to be a certain kind (hairless, barkless, poopless) and she had to do the leg work. I figured these restrictions would keep her busy for a while and then she’d lose interest. The next day, she called me at work to say she had met all of my pet criteria. That night we went to the local shelter where dogs and cats spilled out of nooks and crannies. Barking and meowing rose and faltered as we passed cages containing animals I could not save. Finally, in the back, we saw the pupples that would become our Coddles. He sat nice and quiet. Once he found his voice six months later, we discovered no other dog could reach his level of volume.

Temperature – Somebody thought you were important. – The air in the cabin felt like the sudden gush of an open freezer. As I poked my nose and mouth out from under the blankets, puffs of white breath floated above my face. Despite the utter cold, my husband jump out of bed to remake the fire so that an hour later I could emerge into lush warmth.

Sound – You chased something bad. – All of the dogs in the neighborhood barked to each other, passing the news that I had stopped a lose dog in its tracks with my voice, adamant and forceful. I looked it in the eye and bellowed, “Go.” It ran home.

Texture – You were enthusiastic. – I ran my hands over the smooth surface of my boss’ desk as I listed one idea after another that could help him organize his day so he could concentrate on the tasks at hand. I talked about different learning styles and how you should play to your strengths and use what works for you. I went on for an hour caressing the desk top and convincing him that he could get the important things done.

Internal dialogue – You owned something. – I have two houses. I can’t handle two houses. Please, Lord, help me sell the old house so I don’t have a nervous breakdown. Ok, I know this is not the worst thing in the world. Yes, I will try to calm down. I do appreciate that things could be a whole lot worse and I’m just being a whiner. I do appreciate that house. It was my first house and helped me get where I am now, Please don’t punish me because I’m a worry wart bitch. I promise I’ll stop complaining. I know I’m an idiot, but you know I can’t help what I’m thinking. I’m always talking to myself to change the negative thoughts. Thank you very much for listening.

Sight - You were happy.

I saw my daughter after I had just given birth to her and she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and that was the most happy I have ever been in my entire life. I couldn’t take my eyes off of her and I still enjoy watching her.

Smell - You had just finished constructing something.

I had just finished a corset in pure whites for my daughter’s Faire costume. The material smelled clean and fresh and crisp. I smelled very new and rich.

Touch - Life was cheerful.

Sitting in my livingroom at the end of the day on my lounge chair, my husband lying back between my legs, resting his head on my stomach, we talk of the day. He tells me everyday things that become wild Irish tales as I stroke his hair and giggle at his silliness.

Color - Somebody had given you something.

My husband, who rarely buys me cut flowers, brought home a beautiful autumn bouquet for my birthday and our wedding anniversary. The flowers were in deep, silky browns, bright oranges and golden yellows.

Tone - You ate something good.

We were at an Italian restaurant three weeks ago with our German relatives and my parents, my brother and our kids. My husband ordered scallops and shrimp Alfredo. The scallops were buttery and sweet. When I closed my eyes, I heard the buzz of happy talk and close kinship.

External motion - You had a friend.

For several months, my girlfriends and I went roller skating every Wednesday night. I never got used to the sliding, skidding motion I felt as I went around the rink. I always felt anxiety before getting out on the floor. I was sure that I would fall and break an elbow. I never did fall, but the fear never went away. We stopped going when one of my friends had hysterical crying fits every time we met because she was sure her husband was cheating on her while we were skating. The only affair he ever had was with the vodka bottle he finished each night.

Emotion - You felt energetic.

When we were getting ready to move, I felt a surge of energy. Deadlines do that to me, I make up goals just to get things done. I feel very satisfied when I psyche myself into getting things done.

Loudness - Somebody was waiting for you.

The phone rang and rang and rang. How the fuck can I get ready if they are calling me to find out where I am?

Body position - You drove fast.

I have a little Chevy Cavalier with bucket seats and a five speed. I slouch down in the seat, resting my head against the head rest, right wrist lying nonchalantly over the knob of the gear shift and left hand lightly touching the steering wheel. I rock from side to side as I maneuver the curve of the jug handles, squealing tires and going a tad over the speed limit.

Sound - You saw something you liked.

Have you ever seen someone that you felt so attracted to that the rest of the world just kind of fades away? The normal sounds around you get blocked out and a sort of pleasant humming takes over. It washes around you and adds to the tingling feeling vibrating from the tips of your toes to the top of your head.

Weight - You acquired something good.

Someone gave me a crystal ball. She said she had stolen it from a shop she worked in when she lived in California. It is perfectly smooth and clear. When cold, it feels very heavy. The longer I hold it, the lighter it feels.

Personal motion - You threw away something bad.

I carry the little plastic sandwich bags in the chamber on the retractable dog leash. I carry the yellow plastic shopping bag in my left hand. After Cody goes number two, I put one of the sandwich bags on my right hand like a glove and scoop up the poop. I flick open the grocery bag and toss the dog do in. As we finish our walk, I kind of swing the grocery bag in a jaunty manner. When we get home, I slam dunk it in the garbage can.

Grey Questions

GreyShades always asks some good questions. I liked these and thought I’d see how I would answer them today. I may revisit them in the future to see how my answers change.

I could give in and maybe be a little happier, but then that wouldn't be me would it?

On the surface, it looks like I’ve given in, but I haven’t. There is just a gloss of the world in which I’ve chosen to live, but I am still a square peg sitting cockeyed over a round hole. I used to struggle more with my differences, forcing them upon people that were not capable of dealing with me. I tried running from who I am. I tried (very half-heartedly) being someone else. None of these things worked. Giving in did not make me happier.

I have a small world. I didn’t want to give that up either. So, I quietly go about my business. Everyday, I shroud myself in the costume of my country, walk its streets and am me. If you look closely, I do not quite conform. Most days, I can juggle the different compartments of my life.

I could trade my world for someone else's, but then that wouldn't be what I wanted, would it?

I haven’t seen a life other than my own that I would want. I pick up bits and pieces here and there like I’m gathering sea shells and place them on a collage of my own making. Eventually, it will be a work of art. It is a work of art, in progress.

I could take what I'm not sure I want, but then would that be better than not getting what I want?

No, I’d rather do without. I made a conscious decision a few years ago, that I would only take what I truly wanted. No more buying just because it is on sale. No getting the knock off version because it is cheaper. I will wait until I can afford the thing I want, exactly as I want it, to the best of my ability, or nothing at all.

Do I even know what I want?

Usually I do or I keep asking until I do. I ask what is missing a lot.

Do I even know who I am anymore?

The older I get, the better I know myself. I am often deluded though.

Do I even know what makes me happy anymore?

Yes, I know what makes me happy. The key for me is to find the time for what makes me happy.

Am I lost in the melee of my surroundings?

No, I ignore my surroundings. I must usually force myself to pay attention.

Am I living in the real world or is this some pseudo-random scene?

Real is relative. I think we make our own realities.

Am I living in a conflicting world of today and the world that was yesterday?

I don’t know if I know what this means. I don’t live in the past, so it can’t conflict with my present world. While I believe the past affects our present and that we can and should learn from the past, today is today.

Am I taking some steps too soon and some steps too slow?

I usually take a lot of time making decisions, arguing the pros and cons in my mind, doing research asking other people their opinions. But once I make a decision I go full steam ahead until it’s done.

Do my thoughts control me or I control my thoughts?

Oh, this is a chicken or egg question. The answer is both, with no beginning or end to the vicious cycle. I think on the whole I should control my thoughts, but then I wouldn’t have any “Ah, Hah” moments and that’s no fun.
Is my heart and mind in the right place or are they wandering somewhere I don't want them to be? This is a both answer, too. When I am trying to make a conscious effort at something, I try to have my mind and heart in the right place. When I am into free form mode, I allow both to go as they will.

Will these shades of grey ever turn to color?

As far as I’m concerned, most things are shades of grey, which is not bad. It’s not easy, but that doesn’t make it a bad thing. I consider periods of pure color a gift from God, an epiphany.

Vision

I do not have a clear vision of where I am going or what I want. Obviously, my weight gives me benefits that I am as yet not willing to give up.

I continue to walk, doing an additional ten minutes more each day than last month.

I have not gained any weight back since the end of July, but neither have I lost any more.

I feel on the verge of big changes and I am scared to move forward. So, as I usually do when afraid of something, I will just bulldoze my way through.

A quote I heard today from a televangilist named Michael Murddock, "You have no right to anything you have not pursued."

Off The Wagon

I went off my diet big time last week and the trend has continued to this day.

I keep walking each morning, but only half-heartedly, so it's not doing much for me.

I was doing a high protein, low carb diet, but after a month I wasn't feeling well. This happened the last time I tried this diet. Unfortunately, this bad feeling hit at the same time as my unreasonable depression. So, I started attacking candy, potatoes, bread, blueberry cobbler...and I haven't quit.

I need psyciatric care, the kind where they put you in a padded room on heavy medication. (But at least I don't have Blackberry (c) addiction.)

Take It Easy

I didn’t want to walk today. I struggled out the door. Thank goodness for my husband and my dog, guilting me into my sneakers.

The blue sky and cool breeze should have enticed me to a long stroll, but all I thought about was how far away it was back to my front door. I felt so pathetic. If you could see my insides, you would have thought I was being tortured.

I wanted to walk through the park this weekend for some extra exercise and the weather was perfect for it, but I couldn’t force myself to do it. I reminded myself how my only walking goal is to do my 20 minutes each morning. But the crushing weight of failure bore down on me.

Each time a negative thought popped into my head, I forced it out and my energy followed.

Some days, the simplest things are so hard.

Sybil

The kernel of my soul consists of this child at the age of four. Long before the world took its toll upon me, my soul, mind, heart and physical being co-existed as one entity. I looked at the world with wonder and I felt it look at me in the same way. I was myself. I was genuine. I was honest. I was complete. I was whole. I remember that person and my present journey is not to find her, because I know where she lives, but it is to join her and shrug off my sibylline nature.

My mind sees myself as this person. This is the person I am inside when I think of who I am: bright-eyed, smiling and happy, holding my greatest achievement. This is the person I am struggling to show the rest of the world, the person hidden beneath the layers I have built up around myself. This is the person that yearns to be free of my addictions, obsessions and neuroses, the person who, if she felt the overwhelming need, could do cartwheels in the front yard without killing herself (yes, sometimes, I just want to, ok?)

Here is the person I see when I look in the mirror. You think I’m kidding. I have seen this person for more years than I can count. I pick apart my appearance: the ugly nose, uncooperative hair, pudgy cheeks, hips and thighs, non-existent eyes, poor make-up ability. I know that’s not really the way I look and sometimes I even kind of think I look ok, but most times I feel like this and have done so since I was ten. I recognize that it generally has nothing to do with reality but it’s my reality and it’s a perception I want to change.

I have no picture of how my heart feels about the matter. It has as of yet not chimed in with its opinion. I think it’s afraid to be laughed at or picked on, like the time it was harassed for praying with its hands this way instead of this way. Like God gives as shit. My heart has the biggest shield of all, but it’s peeking through some cracks, trying to get the lay of the land.

Dream Book

This is my Dream Book. It is my present for breaking the 330 mark. Monday's official number was 328.8 pounds. That's a loss of 21.2 pounds since I began and 11.2 pounds since the beginning of July.

I am missing the white stuff (sugar, salt, flour, potatoes) but it's not too bad. I have allot of vegtables and fruit cut up and ready to eat when I'm hungry.

What's hard is eating tons of protein. I've never been much of a meat eater and eggs are not my favorite either, but in low doses throughout the day is easier.

I do feel better, with more energy, less sluggish. My mind also seems clearer. I think between the exercise and "bad" carbs, I am refreshing my system. My clothes are feeling looser, too.

Oops, almost forgot: in my Dream Book I will put pictures and notes of things I want and things I want to accomplish. I must do something instead of eat, because Food is Fuel, not Love.

Dream Dining

I have a new writing pal. Her name is Tangerine . She is my prize for reaching my July goals. I will use her to help me procrastinate when I'm writing. She is a windup toy and flaps her wings and rolls across the table. I will be able to put off writing anything meaningful for hours now.

I went to the doctor on Thursday afternoon. I even left work early to do it. I think my co-workers thought I was on the verge of death (it has been 4 years since I've been to the doctors. I had shingles then.)

I've been having pains in my chest, like you get when you have broncitis. I thought it was really bad allergies and expected to get a good allergy medication. So, she listened to everything, asked me lots of questions and took my blood pressure about 20 times during the visit. Verdict: high blood pressure. She gave me a water pill. I haven't gone pee so much since I was pregnant. I feel better though.

Time to give up my Diet Coke, which is full of sodium. And regular salt. I refuse to go on any other kind of medication.

I did 20 minutes in the pool last night. As I was getting out, my husband, the mean, yucky, slave driver, told me I wasn't finished. Arse. So, I did another ten minutes, which included my stretching and 20 push-ups. OK, so he's not a meany.

I slept really late this morning. I woke at eight and only becasue I had a huge headache, which I am using as an excuse to keep playing on the computer, instead of doing dishes.

Why did I sleep so late (three and a half extra hours.) Dreams, of course.

One was about my daughter getting her own apartment and living with Joe Pesci. Now, most would consider this a nightmare but I was fascinated by her choice.

Then, interwoven with that, was a trip my family was taking. My brother booked the flight and got 10 aairline tickets for a total of $42. We got the cheap seats, but the flight included a family style banquet at long tables and served by white clad maitre dis. It included seven courses. We never arrived at our destination, which was a suprise anyway, because all we did was dine.

Thursday Thirteen Reasons I Want To Lose Weight

Thirteen Things about Vanessa 1. My left knee will thank me. I hurt it a few years ago by stepping backwards into a frozen snow drift (because I’m a klutz) and overextended it in the wrong direction. Now it aches all of the time and the added weight doesn’t help. Oh, my right just informed me, it would be happier, too. 2. My feet ache when I first stand on them. They are little compared to the rest of me. 3. My weight makes me feel old. 4. I want to be able to buckle the seatbelt in my car. 5. I want to be able to sit in cars with arms. 6. I want to be able to sit in an airplane seat without asking for a seatbelt extender or having the frame of the seat makes dents in my thighs. 7. I want to be more bendy for that fun stuff *wink, wink.* 8. I want to prevent all of those ailments that come with being fat before I actually get them. 9. I want to look good when I feel like getting dressed up, instead of looking like a hill with pretty material draped over it. 10. I want to be able to stick my tongue out at a former friend who was not supportive. I know it’s petty, but I don’t care. 11. I want to re-take my wedding pictures in a white dress, just because every girl, even us non-girly types have the secret wish to dress in a beautiful wedding gown. 12. I don’t want to require ten pallbearers instead of the normal six if I die tomorrow. 13. I want to be better than everyone else. Oops, did I say that outloud? P.S. My caption was nominated at Belle of the Brawl. Help a girl out by voting for me so my one vote (me) is not so lonely. P.P.S. I thought I saw on someone’s blog how the Thursday Thirteen links are updated automatically. Does anyone know how to do that or was I hallucinating? Links to Commentors (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!) 1. Quilldancer 2. Jenn

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How You Doin'?

On July 7th, I chose three goals. Let’s see how I did, shall we?

Since that date, I walked every morning but one. I sometimes walked more than 20 minutes and sometimes I did additional exercise, like doing laps in the pool. Goal one achieved.

I lost 8.6 pounds. Today’s official number is 331.4 pounds. I am chalking this up as a success even though it’s not ten pounds. I have entertained every weekend for the last two months, which means I did lots of cooking and alcohol and deserts. Everyone now knows I am on a specific diet and being as supportive as their individual selves will allow. Goal two achieved.

While I did not specifically take time out to sit and meditate, I used my exercise time to consciously relax. I consider this a step towards goal number three’s accomplishment.

So, for August, I will proceed with the three goals I already have with additions.

Goal One: Morning 20 minute walk plus stretching. I’m getting old and creaky, so flexibility is a key goal.

Goal Two: Losing an actual ten pounds this month. There are no holidays or birthdays or visitors to celebrate this month so I think I can do it.

Goal Three: Meditating: sitting down, alone, in the quiet when I get home from work for 15 minutes. I will do this. What’s fifteen minutes? I can spare that. And I so enjoy it.

The Beginning

I was slender and fit as a young child. Never skinny or small. I am of hearty European peasant stock (Austrian Celts, Germans, Irish) and a touch of East Coast Mohawk Indian, so I have curves, breasts, breeding hips and thighs. And I am denser than I appear. In other words, I've always worn my weight well. I wish I had accepted these things as ok a while ago, but I didn't appreciate what I had. At 150 pounds, I wore a size 9 desiner jeans. Now, I know there's nothing wrong with that but before I only focused on the number 150 and the dissatifaction of some jealous people around me. I never knew I was ok. I was never perfect so I was wrong, bad and yucky. But I disgress.

At the age of 10, things began to go wrong with my view of food. I got a friend who was not a friend and I didn't know it. This is when I began to medicate myself with food. She felt her life was so pathetic because her father had died in the Vietnam War, she had a glass eye, her mom was a man, she had to share her living space with young sailors who only noticed her older sisters and she was a bitch so no one liked her. All of these things were true. So, I felt sorry for her and since I was once again the new kid on the block and she sought me out for friendship (because she had used everyone else up) I was gratefully. I had no idea she hated me. I had no idea she was jealous of me. I had no idea she blamed me for her lacks as she perceived me as having everything. I have always looked like the lucky, carefree, whitebread, girl next door. So the abuse began (which included her hittingme when she was unhappy, which was often.) We only did what she wanted, when she wanted, how she wanted. We didn't move because she was disabled. We didn't associate with other people because no one liked her. The only exercise we got was when we went to the candy store. We ate and sat. And I was miserable but I didn't know why at the time. Subconciously I discovered the drug like effect of carbohydrates. I began eating whenever I felt uncomfortable. After a year and a half of this training, I was hooked.

Food Is Fuel

“Food is fuel, not feelings” is my new mantra. I say it everyday to remind myself that despite my upbringing and training, food should not be used as a substitute for feelings, or emotions or putting a damper on any of them. It seems to be working right now. I’m sure I’ll need a new one eventually, but it’ll do for now. Plus, I love alliteration.

I am still walking everyday despite the fact that I can’t breathe for the heat, humidity and mold spores from all of the rain. I feel very good about this: an accomplishment in the right direction. And I do feel stronger, less emotionally flakey and with a tad more energy.

Ten Reasons

I continue to walk each morning. I missed Saturday, because I slept late and then paid for it with a nagging headache all day. I had planned to make a list of reasons to keep walking and then got distracted by other things as I always do. Ten reasons to walk everyday:

I always feel better afterwards.
The extra oxygen to my brain does wonders for my memory (every little bit helps.)
I have more energy for other things (like laundry, sheesh.)
I sleep better (a little.)
My dog loves me more than before, which is lots.
My legs, knees and hips feel better.
I breathe easier.
I meditate while walking and thus I am more relaxed (I know, you can’t tell, but I really am.)
Eventually, I will be able to do more exercise and thus tone and sculpt.
I need discipline. I have an unruly disposition. The consistent behavior is good for my character.

I still have done nothing with my other two goals for the month (meditating and losing ten pounds this month.) Maybe I can’t handle too many commitments at once. Or maybe I have been ignoring the whole thing.

While I would much rather be sitting here reading everyone's blogs and writing comments and maybe actually doing some other writing, I am taking my dog for a walk. He is looking at me with his big brown puppy dog eyes and my husband added a little more guilt by telling me that once you get a dog in a routine, you must keep it up. So here I go. No, really, I'm leaving. Stop trying to keep me here. I really must go.

Bye.

PS. If I don't come back soon, it's becasue I melted in the heat and humidity. Send someone with a mop.

Getting that first step out of the door is the hardest part. I run a million and one excuses around my noggin’ for not going and have to beat them down with the reasons why I need to go, want to go, even. Any process requires this energy usuage on my part, but my daily walk needs me to go through this process each morning.

Once I get going, I am always thankful to myself that I did it. But it’s such a struggle to confirm my commitment. I think I need to do a list of my reasons for walking each day: a reaffirmation of my choice to expend this kind of energy in this way. I suspect that I have not fully bought into my decision.

Plan for tonight and tomorrow: list the reasons for walking every day.

PS. I did walk today again. That makes six days in a row.

Ooops, I Did It Again

Despite the sweltering heat and humidity this morning already at seven, I went for my walk. It was actually less than a stroll because I wanted to make it back home again without having a heart attack.

I figure it doesn't matter how fast I go as long as I go everyday.

Consistency and perseverance.

Just Relaxing

Exhaustion overtook me last night. I couldn’t even read a few sites I like to check before bed.

I walked before work. Yipee! I also walked at noon at work. Two times around our building, equals ten minutes. Double Yipee! The heat and steam drenched me in sweat. I deserve a cookie and Jenn and I decided I could have one if I want, so, nah. I had fresh cherries, instead.

I am trying to relax about food. I am trying not to hide what I eat or hide while I’m eating. If I want something, I am trying to take my time with it and enjoy it, instead of feeling guilty, which then causes me to eat more, and more real fast, so now I didn’t taste any of it, and I’m stuffed, so I starve myself until I want something again, then I pig out on it but never really taste or enjoy any of it and so on and so on.

I have always been good at listening to my body when it comes to illnesses. I knew immediately when I was pregnant (I know that’s not officially an illness, sheesh.) I amazed my doctor by showing up to have my shingles cured so early that she could hardly see the leasions. I never go to the doctor unless it’s for something really different. I never go to the doctor for colds or flus, etc. My point being, if I can do this, then I should be able to get back to listening to my body’s appetite sensor.

I love food. Instead of punishing myself by not allowing certain foods I will always say I can have whatever I want whenever I want it. Then, I don’t have to gorge on the food in secret. I can enjoy it. Eat it slower and feel better all of the way around.

Another Walk

Cody and I walked in the park again, today. We went in the morning this time. Bright, sunny and warm with clear, cloudless, blue skies, and a cool breeze made the time fly. We saw heron on the river and heard a woodpecker off in the distance. We smelled a skunk’s pungent odor in the same place as yesterday.

After showering, I went grocery shopping. I put everything away when I got back. Now I’m pooped.

A Saturday Walk

I decided to try to look at exercise in a new way. I reminded myself that by walking, more oxygen would go to my brain, thereby helping me think better and more quickly. I’d be able to keep those old synapses firing properly. Plus, strolling would give me the added benefit of a more pleasant me because of all of the lovely mood altering chemicals I would be naturally dumping in my brain: free Prozac.

I have a county conservation park two blocks down my street. It sits on the rivers nearby. Cody and I usually just walk down to the end of the street and back. Today being Saturday and with no particular plans for a change, we decided to walk in the park.

I took pictures along the way. Cody enjoyed himself by sniffing and peeing along the paths. Yellow finches, fat robins and many hidden birds dashed through the bushes chirping at each other. We were totally alone during the whole walk. I imagined we were explorers in a new land. By the time we got back home, an entire hour had passed. I feel quite satisfied with myself.

July Goals - Relax

By being more relaxed about food, I am actually feeling hungry and full at more appropriate times. I was normal for me to feel hungry after eating several hundred calories. I know this was mental or emotional hunger but I felt it in my stomach. I have begun to eat more slowly too, thus giving myself a chance to feel full with the right amount of food.

I think July will be a gentler month of getting used to new ways of being with food and exercise. Goals are good as sign posts to mark a path but rather than go with my usual outrageous goals I will set more realistic ones.

Goal One: Lose ten pounds by the end of July. This is possible. It works out to about two and a half pounds a week: sensible. This is not my usual goal of thinking I can do thirty pounds a month. Yes, I have routinely set these kinds of goals. No wonder, you say. I hear you.

Goal Number Two: Walk a minimum of twenty minutes everyday for the month of July. Again, doable. And find my walking DVD so I cannot use the weather as an excuse not to walk.

Goal Number Three: Start meditating again. I’m setting up my office upstairs this weekend. I’ll have the whole second floor to myself. I’ve always needed a lot of alone time, but haven’t gotten much over the last twenty years, so this will be great. I haven’t even been able to use the bathroom without being interrupted. This is not good for me. Since I was a very young child, I have required my own private world to recuperate. My senses easily overload. I think that’s why I’m not good as the center of attention or at big parties: way too much input. And then if I don’t get mega down time, I stop functioning well. I have tried to force myself to accept constant companionship, and I have failed to deal well with it. So, back to meditating: I have always enjoyed it. I meditate by counting my breaths, one, inhale, two, exhale, three, inhale, four, exhale, one, inhale, etc. The first fee minutes are hard. Not forcing my brain to settle down, just letting the thoughts flow and move on, and all the while concentrating on my breathing. The time flies.

I think I can do these three things. If I do more, great, but if I do these, I will consider myself successful.

Insane

I lay awake in bed from one-thirty until the alarm went off at four-thirty this morning. Obsessive-compulsive does not begin to describe my stupid, odd behavior.

I woke at one-thirty, which isn’t unusual. I still had the TV on. I have the timer set to two o’clock. I am a TV baby. I went to the bathroom and when I finished, the idea popped into my head, that my daughter (MD) had her boyfriend (MDB) in her bedroom (they are both nineteen.) I decided to check. Her bedroom door opened. Normally, it’s locked. This made me think she’s not home. Now, I’m pissed because she had to work in the morning. I turned on her light and I swear I saw her boyfriend in her bed with her. I looked out of the window to see if they parked MDB’s car in the driveway. It wasn’t there (they parked it down the street, because even though they were dumb enough to sleep together in MD’s room, they were smart enough to hide the car.)

I switched off the light real quick. I’m a fairly liberal minded person: my husband (MH) ain’t. Now, I panic. I envisioned MH waking in the night and shooting MDB. I swear I heard MDB cough. I turned up the sound on the TV to drown it out. I tossed and turned. MH tossed and turned. I was getting no sleep. I could see them all bumping into each other in the hall on the way to the bathroom.

My mind turned round and round, trying to figure out why MD would do such a thing. She knows the rules. She’s a good girl. She’s not stupid. How could she do this to me? What would possess her to be so bold?

I thought about how I could get between MH and MDB. I worried MH would have a heart attack because he knows all boys all evil, being such a bad boy himself. I saw him picking MDB up by the scruff of his neck and the seat of his pants and throwing him on the lawn, then kicking him all the way home.

I fretted the night away, hoping against hope that MH would get out of the house before the kids woke up, but I just knew they would make a sound that gave the situation away and all would be lost. The world would see us on The Jerry Springer Show or America’s Most Wanted or both.

At five thirty, MH left for work. At six, MD woke up. She came into the living room where I was waiting to spring my trap.

“Do you have MDB in your room?” No, I wasn’t yelling. Not on the outside, anyway.

“No.” She looked at me strangely. “What are you talking about?”

“I could have sworn I heard MDB cough last night.”

“You probably heard me cough. Why would MDB be here?”

“I don’t know. Never mind. Don’t you have to go to work?”

She walked away from me shaking her head.

Now, I’m tired, cranky and I feel like a fool. I am seriously fucked up.

I walked this morning before work, even in the rain. The walking is getting easier. I feel like I have a little more energy.

I felt actual hunger for breakfast. This is due to not being stuffed last night before bed. I did not eat all of the food in my lunchbox. I gave the dog half of my dinner. And today was stressful. I had a successful food day.

I wanted a McDonalds’ soft ice cream cone for lunch. Normally, I would have one, but I would eat it so fast, that I would get brain freeze, so I’d have it done before I got back to the office. I would not enjoy it. I would feel guilty for wanting it. I would feel guilty for not being strong enough to refuse it for myself. And on top of that, I’d feel so bad, I’d eat way too much other food afterwards, to soothe my guilt and stuff the anger right out of me.

This time I said, “What the hell. I want a cone, I’ll have a cone.” I also bought enough chicken strips and french fries for three people. I enjoyed my cone. I tasted it. I ate it slowly. I was not done with it by the time I got back to my office, so I took it in with me and finished it slowly at my desk. Then, I threw out the french fries without eating any and only ate half of the chicken. And I am still really fully. But now I feel satisfied.

Perhaps I have been too hard on myself; too strict; too confining. I know it’s hard to think that someone who weighs as much as I do can consider herself strict with herself, but I think there is truth in this.

I deny myself breakfast and lunch or severely limit what I can have. I make up all kinds of rules to follow. And then I rebel against it all because I shouldn’t have to feel punished. Something Jenn said in her comments early made me start thinking about this. Why should I not have certain things? I have been telling myself for eons that I can’t have the things I want because I’m bad. I have no self control. I don’t do my chores first. I don’t dust every day. My hair’s not perfect. My shoes aren’t shined. All of my ducks are not in line, therefore, I deserve no rewards at all.

And then I get mad because it’s not fair. Why do I have to be perfect before I can have what I want? Why can’t I do a little work, have a little fun, eat a hearty breakfast, have a light lunch and have a small dessert. Why can’t I wear light blue? Why must I wear black? Why do I have to sit quietly in a corner while the adults around me talk? Why is my hearty laugh offensive to the polite, upright, stodgy people around me? Why can’t I do what the hell I want? Why do I have to justify anything to anyone? Why have I written an entire paragraph in questions?

Perhaps it is not necessary to struggle against everything including myself to feel alive. Perhaps it’s time to quit the struggle against my body and treat it kindly for a change. Maybe a little gentle treatment would be good for my body and soul. Maybe it’s time to relax. Really relax. Not hide away and pretend the world outside of me does not exist, but instead allow it to be while I allow to myself to be there too. A constant all or nothing to balance the scales may not be needed. More of a floating on the waves kind of balance would be better.