It’s amazing how one short comment from my mother can set off a panic attack where no fear existed before. She asked me yesterday if I had begun looking for a job yet. I reminded her that I was taking the month of March for myself. I would not rush into something I would hate again. Her response, “That’s what worries me. Jobs are hard to come by.” I said, “One month wouldn’t make that much of a difference.” She did not agree. And I immediately got scared that I would not survive if I didn’t run out and get something NOW. My first reaction was to try to stuff it down. Yesterday was the first time I shoved food into my mouth. I decided to look at my fear instead. To talk through it. I was able to stop eating and I felt better. My fear resurfaced at bedtime and I refused to ignore it again and it went away. I did however wake up afraid that my parents were dead. I looked at that too and it went away.
I’m thinking my ability to ignore things and push them away no longer does me any good. I am an adult and I have some power to deal with things. I can turn problems into opportunities as Holly would say, so no more ignoring. All it does is create panic which does nothing good for me.
I went through 3 chapters of How To Think Sideways. I am asking Fiona, my MUSE, to nudge Fred, my right brain, into giving me better name ideas for the demon/god character in The Salt Lover’s Book of Magic (tSLBoM.) He is a primordial god, an early god, so I’m thinking he may have been called Anu at one time. He has lived on throughout the centuries so he’s had many names. What I need is his current name, which needs to sound cool and not hokey, in our current language. I’ve worked out that Vincent’s stories will be told in third person. Mary’s stories will be letters she writes to Vincent. And Anu’s stories will be in first person because he’s a god and thinks himself the center of the universe.
The MM will be here in about an hour and a half. He will stay until tomorrow. We will be going up to my parents because the 1st niece and her son will be there and The MM loves to see his cousin, who is his best friend.
The TV in the livingroom is still not working. We have none of the premium channels which is not good because we don’t have Disney JR. for The MM to watch. I told The Snoogs to send his DVD’s so he can watch Wreck-It Ralph. I will call Comcast again today to see what’s going on with the fix for the DVR box. Stupid new equipment. I’m starting to get pissed off. It’s annoying and of course they will expect us to pay for the full month even though we couldn’t use the box properly.
513
Showing posts sorted by date for query food. Sort by relevance Show all posts
Showing posts sorted by date for query food. Sort by relevance Show all posts
Saturday, March 09, 2013
Wednesday, March 06, 2013
Tumbling in Cars
I got so much done yesterday on my first day of my new life. I’m not going through my whole list of things I got done but it is a long list. I didn’t spend any time sneaking or gorging food. I did take my walk with The Codes. Housework, personal business and writing business. All done yesterday. I did still kind of feel lost at various periods throughout the day but that is to be expected. Today is exactly one week since he did the deed. I think I have been managing pretty well. I think about TMS on occasion. My first instinct is to block all memories and feelings related to him and TMS but then I remind myself it is best to deal with my feelings and thoughts rather than try to block the bad energy. I think this new attitude is healthy.
I was afraid to go to sleep again. I don’t feel exhausted and depressed and browbeaten to tiredness so I think I won’t be able to sleep but as soon as I decided to do it, I fell right to sleep and I slept through from 2200 to 0600 without waking (well, I think I woke once but I didn’t look at the clock. I just rolled over and went back to sleep.)
I dreamed about the Shameless house. I dreamed about refinishing floors and about trying to sweep up the powdery dust but my broom was old and useless. I dreamed my dead aunt Rosa was no longer dead but about 90 years old and she was going back to school to finish her degree. She never went to college in real life but the point of the dream was that she was old and still very excited about her life and she never gives up. There was lots of traveling in cars with lots of people. We were escaping from something or someone, I can’t remember who or what, and the car went so fast it flipped into a farmer’s field and rolled and rolled and rolled. But we were all ok and jumped out, got our things and moved on. That’s when I woke up.
I got all of my papers from TMS for COBRA and my 401k and I already filled them all out and have them in an envelope to send back. I considered putting it off just because I was afraid of them (silly I know) but I did them because I am taking care of my business as if I was taking care of someone else’s business. That change in perspective has helped.
Snow has been predicted for today. None so far. I was looking forward to seeing it when I woke up. The sky does look a bit heavy.
I drank three glasses of Margaritas last night. They tasted so good. I said wake until 2200 (2130 in the livingroom working on my blogs) and yet I did not feel exhausted and worn out. I am already needing less sleep just because I am not depressed all of the time. Not depressed. Not disappointed. Not bored.
520
I was afraid to go to sleep again. I don’t feel exhausted and depressed and browbeaten to tiredness so I think I won’t be able to sleep but as soon as I decided to do it, I fell right to sleep and I slept through from 2200 to 0600 without waking (well, I think I woke once but I didn’t look at the clock. I just rolled over and went back to sleep.)
I dreamed about the Shameless house. I dreamed about refinishing floors and about trying to sweep up the powdery dust but my broom was old and useless. I dreamed my dead aunt Rosa was no longer dead but about 90 years old and she was going back to school to finish her degree. She never went to college in real life but the point of the dream was that she was old and still very excited about her life and she never gives up. There was lots of traveling in cars with lots of people. We were escaping from something or someone, I can’t remember who or what, and the car went so fast it flipped into a farmer’s field and rolled and rolled and rolled. But we were all ok and jumped out, got our things and moved on. That’s when I woke up.
I got all of my papers from TMS for COBRA and my 401k and I already filled them all out and have them in an envelope to send back. I considered putting it off just because I was afraid of them (silly I know) but I did them because I am taking care of my business as if I was taking care of someone else’s business. That change in perspective has helped.
Snow has been predicted for today. None so far. I was looking forward to seeing it when I woke up. The sky does look a bit heavy.
I drank three glasses of Margaritas last night. They tasted so good. I said wake until 2200 (2130 in the livingroom working on my blogs) and yet I did not feel exhausted and worn out. I am already needing less sleep just because I am not depressed all of the time. Not depressed. Not disappointed. Not bored.
520
Thursday, February 14, 2013
20130214 - morning
I’m going to do some prompts in the morning so I don’t spend the whole time whining and complaining.
Imagine you opened your own restaurant. Tell the name of your restaurant. Explain what the restaurant looks like, who works there, and what you serve.
I’d like an Irish pub. Small, with booths with windows behind them looking out on a town sidewalk. There would be a bar but no free floating tables, the tables would only be around the walls. It would be open only from noon until eleven. There would be food served until eight pm.
I would call it The Empty Bottle and Crushed Can which is the name of my house’s backyard bar and my basement bar. There would be a wooden plaque painted sign hanging outside over the door. The walls wood be stone and heavy wood beams. The roof would be thatch. The restaurant would have a fireplace on each end. I would encourage acoustic groups and singers to come and practice at my pub. They would get free drinks and food for playing. The lights would be low. There would be some comfortable stuffed chairs around the fire places. Personalized beer mugs would hang behind the bar for patrons who come in all of the time. QV would be the cook and bartender. I would not work there but I would have a table in a back corner where I could watch the people and write. I could watch people come and go and listen to all of the jokes being told by drunks and all of the world fixing and conspiracy theories that drunk people spout in bars. I would hire college students as waiters and waitresses.
We would serve hand cut double fried french fries with a variety of toppings like brown gravy, cheddar cheese, and added toppings like bacon, hot peppers, salsa. There would be chicken fingers, chicken wings, various types of burgers and hot dogs, chili and other homemade soups. The soups would be “a soup of the day” kind of thing. Whatever kind of soup struck QV’s fancy. Since it’s a pub I’m thinking we’d need fish and chips with malt vinegar, too.
I want there to be candles on the tables and oil lamps on the walls. I wasn’t going to mention these because my practical self said it would be dangerous to have candles around drunks but this is fantasy and what I would want so I am not allowing my internal editor audit out the things I want.
I would want my guest to be from all walks of life: elderly couples who live in town, bikers that come for the coziness and calmness of the place, rich people looking for something different and expecting to be treated like everyone else, college students, musicians, artists. I want there to be a big tip jar where people would put money to help support local artists. I would want to include local magicians and witches. People with tattoos and piercings. In other words, I want many people who are so different they're getting along and getting to know each other with all kinds of weird ideas floating around in the air and entertaining me.
536
Imagine you opened your own restaurant. Tell the name of your restaurant. Explain what the restaurant looks like, who works there, and what you serve.
I’d like an Irish pub. Small, with booths with windows behind them looking out on a town sidewalk. There would be a bar but no free floating tables, the tables would only be around the walls. It would be open only from noon until eleven. There would be food served until eight pm.
I would call it The Empty Bottle and Crushed Can which is the name of my house’s backyard bar and my basement bar. There would be a wooden plaque painted sign hanging outside over the door. The walls wood be stone and heavy wood beams. The roof would be thatch. The restaurant would have a fireplace on each end. I would encourage acoustic groups and singers to come and practice at my pub. They would get free drinks and food for playing. The lights would be low. There would be some comfortable stuffed chairs around the fire places. Personalized beer mugs would hang behind the bar for patrons who come in all of the time. QV would be the cook and bartender. I would not work there but I would have a table in a back corner where I could watch the people and write. I could watch people come and go and listen to all of the jokes being told by drunks and all of the world fixing and conspiracy theories that drunk people spout in bars. I would hire college students as waiters and waitresses.
We would serve hand cut double fried french fries with a variety of toppings like brown gravy, cheddar cheese, and added toppings like bacon, hot peppers, salsa. There would be chicken fingers, chicken wings, various types of burgers and hot dogs, chili and other homemade soups. The soups would be “a soup of the day” kind of thing. Whatever kind of soup struck QV’s fancy. Since it’s a pub I’m thinking we’d need fish and chips with malt vinegar, too.
I want there to be candles on the tables and oil lamps on the walls. I wasn’t going to mention these because my practical self said it would be dangerous to have candles around drunks but this is fantasy and what I would want so I am not allowing my internal editor audit out the things I want.
I would want my guest to be from all walks of life: elderly couples who live in town, bikers that come for the coziness and calmness of the place, rich people looking for something different and expecting to be treated like everyone else, college students, musicians, artists. I want there to be a big tip jar where people would put money to help support local artists. I would want to include local magicians and witches. People with tattoos and piercings. In other words, I want many people who are so different they're getting along and getting to know each other with all kinds of weird ideas floating around in the air and entertaining me.
536
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
20130213 - morning
I took two Pamprin Multi-symptoms last night and slept all the way through until 3am when I had to get up to pee and then I went back to bed and slept until just now 647am. Eleven hours of sleep. Nice. I also did my Bills Calendar and discovered I should have enough money to pay all of my bills by the end of the month. That helped my mind settle so I could sleep all night. I need to seriously stopped hiding from my financial situations. Some how I got it in my mind that finances are such a private matter that even I shouldn’t know what’s going on with them.
Look I am doing my morning words first. I almost opened up my email but I stopped and opened a new document page and began writing. All of my joints ache, even my finger joints. My left knee really hurts the most. Makes it very hard to walk around. When I am ready, the next thing I am going to add to my first thing to do each day will be 10 minutes of walking in place to get my body moving and ready to go to the gym.
So far I’ve got writing 500 words first thing each morning before I do anything else and not drinking any more coffee. I felt sluggish all day yesterday but I think it did help me sleep during the night. Let’s see if I can think of anything different to talk about. It’s the 50th birthday of The Big Man. They decorated his office yesterday with balloons and streamers. I have to go get him a ice cream birthday cake at noon. We were talking about cakes yesterday and Perfume Girl said Oh, no, I won’t be here. But then I heard her tell someone on the phone she was going to try to come in this afternoon. She’s getting back injections and thinks she’s going to come in - just for our cake?
The Codes is laying on the couch and snoring. He just woke himself up. He got up and moved to the floor to go back to sleep.
It’s 0714 and I need one hundred and fifty words to type. The sun is out. Jenny McCarthy is on Chelsea lately and all they talk about is poop and sex and fat. They are both so friggin’ skinny. I am going to get spinach salad for lunch. I’ve got to keep up my iron intake. I want beef jerky too. I had a bag of teriyaki nuggets yesterday which were really good. Here I am back to talking about food. I have lots of links for journalling topics I will look up some of those for my next journal entry and maybe I won’t bore myself so much. Thirty words to go. And all I can think about is food: where will I stop on the way to work to get some. Then I remember I will be going to Shoprite to get the cake so I can get more food then.
514
Look I am doing my morning words first. I almost opened up my email but I stopped and opened a new document page and began writing. All of my joints ache, even my finger joints. My left knee really hurts the most. Makes it very hard to walk around. When I am ready, the next thing I am going to add to my first thing to do each day will be 10 minutes of walking in place to get my body moving and ready to go to the gym.
So far I’ve got writing 500 words first thing each morning before I do anything else and not drinking any more coffee. I felt sluggish all day yesterday but I think it did help me sleep during the night. Let’s see if I can think of anything different to talk about. It’s the 50th birthday of The Big Man. They decorated his office yesterday with balloons and streamers. I have to go get him a ice cream birthday cake at noon. We were talking about cakes yesterday and Perfume Girl said Oh, no, I won’t be here. But then I heard her tell someone on the phone she was going to try to come in this afternoon. She’s getting back injections and thinks she’s going to come in - just for our cake?
The Codes is laying on the couch and snoring. He just woke himself up. He got up and moved to the floor to go back to sleep.
It’s 0714 and I need one hundred and fifty words to type. The sun is out. Jenny McCarthy is on Chelsea lately and all they talk about is poop and sex and fat. They are both so friggin’ skinny. I am going to get spinach salad for lunch. I’ve got to keep up my iron intake. I want beef jerky too. I had a bag of teriyaki nuggets yesterday which were really good. Here I am back to talking about food. I have lots of links for journalling topics I will look up some of those for my next journal entry and maybe I won’t bore myself so much. Thirty words to go. And all I can think about is food: where will I stop on the way to work to get some. Then I remember I will be going to Shoprite to get the cake so I can get more food then.
514
20130212
0600 - I've decided, again, not to drink coffee. I think I slept better at night and felt better during the day when I didn't drink coffee. Got out my camera so I can start taking pictures again.
0716 - Got a photo for Friday. Now I need to go take a shower.
0841 - I stopped at Walmart and bought a small fan and air purifier for my work office. hopefully, it will help until The big Man gets around to saying something to Her boss.
1124 - it's Fat Tuesday and i think I'm getting fatter. Mission accomplished. Since they didn't have french fries and brown gravy where everyone is buying lunch, I am having Spam and Potatoes. All I do here is whine and talk about food. That's really all I do in my head. Complain and dream of eating.
1607 - I am so tired. I hope the lack of coffee helps me sleep tonight because I need some rest.
1623 - I want to go home and go to bed and not wake up again for about four years. I left my magnesium at home. i better remember it for tomorrow. I just don't feel like dealing with anything. Depressed much?
i have a photo all set up to post for tomorrow for Wide-eyed Wednesday on my main blog. And i have a picture chosen for Flash 55 for this week. Something about an insects point of view.
So many I's in these posts. I've been thinking about getting out my LRon Hubbard clearing book. it's just a bunch of questions and statements and you write about them from different perspectives until you have nothing left to say on the subject and then you are cleared and cured. It's always been good for ideas on things to explore. I wonder if i can figure out which book shelf it's on. I don't have enough energy to go upstairs to look.
I must do this month's bills and money calendar so QV can see where we are. How broke we are. God, i hate dealing with money. Why do you think that is. i've never found a good reason. i think it might be innate. i want to just write and draw and read. that's all I've ever wanted to do with myself. Why did I let myself get here?
0716 - Got a photo for Friday. Now I need to go take a shower.
0841 - I stopped at Walmart and bought a small fan and air purifier for my work office. hopefully, it will help until The big Man gets around to saying something to Her boss.
1124 - it's Fat Tuesday and i think I'm getting fatter. Mission accomplished. Since they didn't have french fries and brown gravy where everyone is buying lunch, I am having Spam and Potatoes. All I do here is whine and talk about food. That's really all I do in my head. Complain and dream of eating.
1607 - I am so tired. I hope the lack of coffee helps me sleep tonight because I need some rest.
1623 - I want to go home and go to bed and not wake up again for about four years. I left my magnesium at home. i better remember it for tomorrow. I just don't feel like dealing with anything. Depressed much?
i have a photo all set up to post for tomorrow for Wide-eyed Wednesday on my main blog. And i have a picture chosen for Flash 55 for this week. Something about an insects point of view.
So many I's in these posts. I've been thinking about getting out my LRon Hubbard clearing book. it's just a bunch of questions and statements and you write about them from different perspectives until you have nothing left to say on the subject and then you are cleared and cured. It's always been good for ideas on things to explore. I wonder if i can figure out which book shelf it's on. I don't have enough energy to go upstairs to look.
I must do this month's bills and money calendar so QV can see where we are. How broke we are. God, i hate dealing with money. Why do you think that is. i've never found a good reason. i think it might be innate. i want to just write and draw and read. that's all I've ever wanted to do with myself. Why did I let myself get here?
Wednesday, February 06, 2013
20130206
0648 - Today's goals for writing:
#1 - Add descriptions to the character cards for Vincent van Kingmaker, Mary and Frank Hendersen, the 3 main characters of The Salt Lover's Book of Magic (tSLBoM.)
#2 - 500 new words to the Prologue of tSLBoM by Vincent van Kingmaker (current count 509.)
#3 - Chapter names for tSLBoM
I've been thinking about food already. Thinking about what I can get for breakfast if I stop at Shoprite on the way to work. Special K has a breakfast sandwich for less than 300 calories.
The paper flower I'm going to do of a spider mum will be free floating and not mounted on a canvas, paper or board.
0828 - i'm at work. no VM messages so that's good. i need something to do while i'm driving besides obsessing. My car was covered in ice this morning so i began with resenting that my husband who isn't doing a damn thing all day doesn't get out of bed to clean it off for me. Then i thought if he loved me, he'd say, here take my truck today while i get your car cleaned for you and check the oil and tires. instead, it will be summer and he'll make some smart ass remark about how i don't take care of it.
Then i thought about how it will be 2 years in May when he lost his job and in all that time he's barely worked, has wasted every opportunity for a job opening and yet complains because his mother didn't work when they were growing up. He doesn't even think about or remember all of the time he's been on unemployment while we've been together. Before i met him i did a spell to find someone to love. i specified they had to have a job. i guess i should have included that they keep working steady.
0925 - I actually laughed out loud at my boss, to his face because of a ridiculous solution he came up with for a problem. I am surprised I haven't been fired. I put a ream of paper on the floor under my desk to keep the cold from the floor getting to my feet.
I am much better this morning emotionally or mood wise. i've been doing more deep breathing and water drinking. i never did stop on the way to work to buy a breakfast sandwich. I'm going to have a bowl of Chicken noodle Soup. That should satisfy my need for taste without breaking the bank.
1004 - having my soup now. it's hitting the spot.
1020 - i want some 5 Guys french fries. Why? I'm thirsty. Break for water...i'm not hungry because I just ate. I finished payroll so i want to go off and do something else - write. i keep thinking about the spider mum I want to do.
1508 - haven't been here for a while and i ate all of my brown rice and nut chips and i'm looking for more. oh, i dipped them in Catalina salad dressing. I want chocolate cake. i'm going to stop at Shoprite on the way home and get the Angel Food Cake Mix and Chocolate cake mix and non-fat whipped cream to make the fast microwave cake for dessert tonight. Maybe that will satisfy my cravings.
I haven't done any of my personal writing goals yet for the day.
I watched three training videos on forklift training. That's when i started eating out of my plan. I think i have performance anxiety for any kind of schooling even though I love learning.
I looked at the extra receiver listed in my Directv account and it is different from the others so it must be my brother's receiver. I haven't heard back from Directv yet.
1520 - I just got an email from Holly lisle for a down and dirty revision workshop for $17. I think I'm going to do it. And I get a 15% discount. i get it when I get home tonight.
1601 - I did my chapter names for tSLBoM and i have 20 chapters. at 4,000 words per chapter, I'll get 80,000 words. A nice size book.
1617 - i reworked my todo list. I think it looks good now and won't make me too crazy. it's easy to read and color coded and i wasted 17 minutes on it. My mother called a little while ago. She has a slight fever. My father gets his tooth fixed tomorrow. She's still going on about Big Erika and the cell phone issue. Now i know where i get my obsessive nature from.
1658 - I just found out I will get the revision workshop for free because i already have HTRYN. Prezzies!
1735 - I didn't go to the store and get cake stuff. I talked myself out of it.
1843 - My hubby finished his Read-Right test. He has serious blind spots in the right side of his vision. He reads 20 words per minute right now. Hopefully the reading therapy will help.
1900 - I don't think I'll be able to write 500 new words on the Introduction today. I should have started a chapter outline. I'm going to be easy on myself and not try to write. i am adding the chapter outline to my todo list. I am going to try to start the outline tonight though. Maybe I'll dream about it and have Vincent van Kingmaker's first story done when I wake up.
1926 - Dinner was good. Pork chop and rice with sesame sauce and onions. I need 8 talking points to get to 4,000 words at 500 words per point.
1953 - I'm going to bed.
#1 - Add descriptions to the character cards for Vincent van Kingmaker, Mary and Frank Hendersen, the 3 main characters of The Salt Lover's Book of Magic (tSLBoM.)
#2 - 500 new words to the Prologue of tSLBoM by Vincent van Kingmaker (current count 509.)
#3 - Chapter names for tSLBoM
I've been thinking about food already. Thinking about what I can get for breakfast if I stop at Shoprite on the way to work. Special K has a breakfast sandwich for less than 300 calories.
The paper flower I'm going to do of a spider mum will be free floating and not mounted on a canvas, paper or board.
0828 - i'm at work. no VM messages so that's good. i need something to do while i'm driving besides obsessing. My car was covered in ice this morning so i began with resenting that my husband who isn't doing a damn thing all day doesn't get out of bed to clean it off for me. Then i thought if he loved me, he'd say, here take my truck today while i get your car cleaned for you and check the oil and tires. instead, it will be summer and he'll make some smart ass remark about how i don't take care of it.
Then i thought about how it will be 2 years in May when he lost his job and in all that time he's barely worked, has wasted every opportunity for a job opening and yet complains because his mother didn't work when they were growing up. He doesn't even think about or remember all of the time he's been on unemployment while we've been together. Before i met him i did a spell to find someone to love. i specified they had to have a job. i guess i should have included that they keep working steady.
0925 - I actually laughed out loud at my boss, to his face because of a ridiculous solution he came up with for a problem. I am surprised I haven't been fired. I put a ream of paper on the floor under my desk to keep the cold from the floor getting to my feet.
I am much better this morning emotionally or mood wise. i've been doing more deep breathing and water drinking. i never did stop on the way to work to buy a breakfast sandwich. I'm going to have a bowl of Chicken noodle Soup. That should satisfy my need for taste without breaking the bank.
1004 - having my soup now. it's hitting the spot.
1020 - i want some 5 Guys french fries. Why? I'm thirsty. Break for water...i'm not hungry because I just ate. I finished payroll so i want to go off and do something else - write. i keep thinking about the spider mum I want to do.
1508 - haven't been here for a while and i ate all of my brown rice and nut chips and i'm looking for more. oh, i dipped them in Catalina salad dressing. I want chocolate cake. i'm going to stop at Shoprite on the way home and get the Angel Food Cake Mix and Chocolate cake mix and non-fat whipped cream to make the fast microwave cake for dessert tonight. Maybe that will satisfy my cravings.
I haven't done any of my personal writing goals yet for the day.
I watched three training videos on forklift training. That's when i started eating out of my plan. I think i have performance anxiety for any kind of schooling even though I love learning.
I looked at the extra receiver listed in my Directv account and it is different from the others so it must be my brother's receiver. I haven't heard back from Directv yet.
1520 - I just got an email from Holly lisle for a down and dirty revision workshop for $17. I think I'm going to do it. And I get a 15% discount. i get it when I get home tonight.
1601 - I did my chapter names for tSLBoM and i have 20 chapters. at 4,000 words per chapter, I'll get 80,000 words. A nice size book.
1617 - i reworked my todo list. I think it looks good now and won't make me too crazy. it's easy to read and color coded and i wasted 17 minutes on it. My mother called a little while ago. She has a slight fever. My father gets his tooth fixed tomorrow. She's still going on about Big Erika and the cell phone issue. Now i know where i get my obsessive nature from.
1658 - I just found out I will get the revision workshop for free because i already have HTRYN. Prezzies!
1735 - I didn't go to the store and get cake stuff. I talked myself out of it.
1843 - My hubby finished his Read-Right test. He has serious blind spots in the right side of his vision. He reads 20 words per minute right now. Hopefully the reading therapy will help.
1900 - I don't think I'll be able to write 500 new words on the Introduction today. I should have started a chapter outline. I'm going to be easy on myself and not try to write. i am adding the chapter outline to my todo list. I am going to try to start the outline tonight though. Maybe I'll dream about it and have Vincent van Kingmaker's first story done when I wake up.
1926 - Dinner was good. Pork chop and rice with sesame sauce and onions. I need 8 talking points to get to 4,000 words at 500 words per point.
Monday, February 04, 2013
20130204 001
The way
to get through anything
is to have a clear
achievable goal
to focus on.
I focus on food
all of the time
so that's all I think about,
that's all I do.
I must change my focus.
I want to focus on writing.
I want to focus on art.
These are things I am.
I am only comfortable
within myself
when I am writing
when I am creating
when my hands
produce
what's in my mind.
#1 - 500 words first thing in the morning no matter what as my opening task of the day. The exact words don't matter. The topic doesn't matter. If worse comes to worse, I'll write the same word over and over again 500 times. Simple. Doable. Goal.
#2 - When I want to eat something not on my healthy eating plan, I will first drink 8 ounces of water to fill me up and take care of my thirst because I am more likely thirsty instead of hungry. Then I will write 500 words preferablly about eating:
why
what
who
where
when
how
sight
sound
smell
taste
touch
#3 - Each night I will produce 3 small goals to accomplish the next day on my current writing project.
Each of these three ongoing goals will be written as a separate post on the blog each night.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
This Week's Harvest.
The wind blows at five miles an hour bringing a crisp Autumn coolness and removing the New Jersey humidity. The sky hovers high above us in a crystal, clear blue. The dogwood in my front yard displays its red berries and rusty leaves. Rustling in the branches, moaning through the sailing masts, I declare the day perfect.
I managed to do two and half days of my three day mini fast (only one small meal a day - dinner - because a full fast would bring too many questions.) I felt cleansed. I will manage the full three days next month as I will prepare myself better.
This week was an awakening for me. I vowed only to say positive things as part of my New Year resolution. Thumper has no competition. I rudely brought to my attention that I am a sarcastic, pessimistic smart mouth. I can only go up from here.
I have lost 17 pounds in the last six months just from walking a half hour each day. I have made no other conscious changes. Now that Fall is here I may add another healthy commitment, but not about food. My food commitment is that I can have whatever I want when I want. No more punishing myself with food. That was my first commitment.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Food Is Fuel
Food is fuel.
Food is fun.
Food is flavorful.
Food can be fattening.
Food can be fatal.
Food can be frightening.
Food is family.
Food is a fiesta.
Food is fabulous.
Food is filling.
Food is feeling.
Food is fault.
Food is faithless.
Food is familiar.
Food can be a fad.
Lack of food can make you fade.
Too much food can make you fade.
Food can be a friend.
Food can be a fiend.
Food finds me feverishly looking for freedom.
Food is fuel.
Food is fun.
Food is flavorful.
Food can be fattening.
Food can be fatal.
Food can be frightening.
Food is family.
Food is a fiesta.
Food is fabulous.
Food is filling.
Food is feeling.
Food is fault.
Food is faithless.
Food is familiar.
Food can be a fad.
Lack of food can make you fade.
Too much food can make you fade.
Food can be a friend.
Food can be a fiend.
Food finds me feverishly looking for freedom.
Food is fuel.
Saturday, June 09, 2007
Voices In My Head
Negative talk takes so many forms. I have found that denying myself things makes me want them all the more. Well, no real suprise there.
"You can't have that. It's fattening. It's unhealthy. It's not practical. It's not on sale. It's not part of the vision of our world."
Instead of obsessing anout what I can not have and talking myself out of things, I am telling myself throughout the day, "You can have whatever you want."
Over the last week, I have thought less about food. If I found I had a craving for something, I told myself, without guilt, that I could have it. I even went out and bought it a couple of times but never ate it. Or, more often, my mind moved on to something else that wasn't food related.
And I am much more relaxed.
"You can't have that. It's fattening. It's unhealthy. It's not practical. It's not on sale. It's not part of the vision of our world."
Instead of obsessing anout what I can not have and talking myself out of things, I am telling myself throughout the day, "You can have whatever you want."
Over the last week, I have thought less about food. If I found I had a craving for something, I told myself, without guilt, that I could have it. I even went out and bought it a couple of times but never ate it. Or, more often, my mind moved on to something else that wasn't food related.
And I am much more relaxed.
Friday, June 08, 2007
As You Wish
Since I have begun telling myself I can have whatever I want to eat, my urge to eat all of the food within a 20 mile radius has subsided.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
09.14 – I spent all morning at home reading blogs. I did make my lunch, QV’s lunch and Snoogs lunch. I also took a shower, but other than that, just blogs. Then the Codes wouldn’t come in the house. I was 15 minutes late for work. I’ve spent the last hour cleaning up piddly shit (going over, again, who owes logs, the two w/c insurance audit credits and when we will get them, adding a truck to our ezpass account, clearing up and answering emails and discussing our lack of cash flow.) Now I am going to do the things on MY TODO list.
09.24 – I want about 15 pb&j sandwiches (I have one for lunch.) I have wanted them since last night. Both QV and Snoogs prevented me having them by catching me at it and stopping me (thank you them even though I hate them for it.) Why do I want why do I want the extra food? Because I am disappointed in myself for not taking care of my financial homework and for not doing my filing. That’s why and I still don’t wanna.
10.29 – I just caved and ate my pb&j sandwich because my boss is an asshole. I remind him of something he needs to do because time is running out on the deadline and he asks for an impromptu dissertation on the subject and he’s not even listening. He is so passive/aggressive and it really pisses me the hell off. Fucker.
11.07 I could kill for a side of beef right now I am so obsessively upset over this stupid thing. Why can’t I let it go? Because he purposely tried to place me at a disadvantage and he tried to make me feel inadequate, which is how I feel but I’m not and he though I defended myself I still feel inadequate and I am angry. Look an actual feeling word. Here are some more feeling words: Fucker, Fucker, Fucker. I want to hit him over the head and kick him in the stomach. And I want to pull the hairs out of his mustache one by one and drop them in his eye balls. I’m starting to feel better. Who knew that giving vent to my fantasies like this would work? I might be doing more of this, so be wary if you are actually reading any of this crap. He, he, ha, ha, ho, ho.
11.13 – I’m telling you I really feel much better after the above entry. Cool.
11.55 – I could cry right now I am so frustrated and annoyed. In-between someone said they were going out to get lunch and did I want something. First I said no but then I said yes and then I said no again and almost burst into tears. I really hate all of this strife and arguing and defending people that don’t deserve it and having to rearrange my schedule to compensate for the bullshit inability other people have in managing their lives. I’m tired of this crap and being angry all of the time. I shouldn’t have to spend 9 hours a day on guard and in a defensive position or trying to think of ways to be in an offensive position to compensate. No wonder I eat like crazy. I am so wired right now and the only thing that calms me down and numbs me so I can function is major does of carbs and fat. I’m going to start drinking or taking ludes for God’s sake, except then I’d be asleep all day long, which would be ok but no one is going to pay me for that. I’m taking a deep breath now. And another. I’m beginning to think straight again, but seriously I could cry I am so frustrated.
BREATH – sun is warm (not today but I can fantasize)
SMILE – grass is green (soon.)
This is how that breathing lady (you know the one she has infomercials where you get fit and skinny by breathing. She has lots of long bleach blonde hair and big poufy lips and long nails.) If I could just slow down enough in my headlong panic to breath, I’d be better off. Trouble is most times I can’t remember to do that until after I’ve eaten a whole cake.
12.33 – I took a breather break. That helped calm me down but I still feel like crying because I feel like nothing is going to get better here and I know it won’t and that means I will have to leave and I don’t …maybe I do. Now my boss’ wife just came in and began asking me computer questions because their son has 125 viruses on his computer and so he’s using theirs and it’s our MIS guy’s fault for not installing an antivirus program on their son’s computer. And my boss’ father was in here a little while ago saying he’s going to get involved in the company again. I’ll be leaving even sooner if that happens. I’m taking more deep breaths.
I want to leave the building but it’s raining so I can’t go to the park. I need to go to the mall but I’m afraid I will stop at McDonalds on my way there and then on my way back again. Maybe after a few minutes I’ll going. The boss and all of his family members are out so I will have a few moments of peace. Maybe I’ll go when they come back.
13.43 – I’m back. I went to Kitchen Kapers to exchange my cracked salad spinner. On the way back it started raining. Oddly, that makes me feel better. I took some artsy type raindrop photos while I was out too. I did not get and eat any food. Yay for me. As I was leaving and getting in my car, I was reflecting how painful this paying attention to my inner feelings and sensations is. It really hurts and is very uncomfortable. No wonder I have been dulling the pain with food. And I guess since it’s been so long since I’ve done it, it is doubly and triply uncomfortable. Sucks man.
15.27 – Just got done meeting with my boss and our 401k tpa. We are not changing anything, which is what I suggested ages ago but we had to have a total of five meetings to make that decision. I am exhausted. I’m eating my salad now. I waited in case I slopped dressing on my shirt again, little piggy that I am.
15.54 – I just got done talking to a wacky lady over a claim. Why do I take these things so personally? Now I want popcorn. I had my salad and I ate my Kashi bar but I want more. I am really exhausted today. The IRS cashed my check so that age old problem from when I was a poor single mother is finally done. Whoo hoo for future refund checks.
16.34 – I distracted myself by reading the silly stories of the world’s Attention Whores. I will not mention them by name (my own personal boycott) but you know who they are anyway. I think I’ve made it through another day at work without falling off of the wagon. Now I just need a strategy for at home at night before bed when I want cheese cake.
18:12 - Stopped on the way home by the river to see what it looked like because when I took pictures it was frozen over. Today, the ice was breaking up like an ice breaker ship went through. I took pictures. Made me feel a little better.
09.24 – I want about 15 pb&j sandwiches (I have one for lunch.) I have wanted them since last night. Both QV and Snoogs prevented me having them by catching me at it and stopping me (thank you them even though I hate them for it.) Why do I want why do I want the extra food? Because I am disappointed in myself for not taking care of my financial homework and for not doing my filing. That’s why and I still don’t wanna.
10.29 – I just caved and ate my pb&j sandwich because my boss is an asshole. I remind him of something he needs to do because time is running out on the deadline and he asks for an impromptu dissertation on the subject and he’s not even listening. He is so passive/aggressive and it really pisses me the hell off. Fucker.
11.07 I could kill for a side of beef right now I am so obsessively upset over this stupid thing. Why can’t I let it go? Because he purposely tried to place me at a disadvantage and he tried to make me feel inadequate, which is how I feel but I’m not and he though I defended myself I still feel inadequate and I am angry. Look an actual feeling word. Here are some more feeling words: Fucker, Fucker, Fucker. I want to hit him over the head and kick him in the stomach. And I want to pull the hairs out of his mustache one by one and drop them in his eye balls. I’m starting to feel better. Who knew that giving vent to my fantasies like this would work? I might be doing more of this, so be wary if you are actually reading any of this crap. He, he, ha, ha, ho, ho.
11.13 – I’m telling you I really feel much better after the above entry. Cool.
11.55 – I could cry right now I am so frustrated and annoyed. In-between someone said they were going out to get lunch and did I want something. First I said no but then I said yes and then I said no again and almost burst into tears. I really hate all of this strife and arguing and defending people that don’t deserve it and having to rearrange my schedule to compensate for the bullshit inability other people have in managing their lives. I’m tired of this crap and being angry all of the time. I shouldn’t have to spend 9 hours a day on guard and in a defensive position or trying to think of ways to be in an offensive position to compensate. No wonder I eat like crazy. I am so wired right now and the only thing that calms me down and numbs me so I can function is major does of carbs and fat. I’m going to start drinking or taking ludes for God’s sake, except then I’d be asleep all day long, which would be ok but no one is going to pay me for that. I’m taking a deep breath now. And another. I’m beginning to think straight again, but seriously I could cry I am so frustrated.
BREATH – sun is warm (not today but I can fantasize)
SMILE – grass is green (soon.)
This is how that breathing lady (you know the one she has infomercials where you get fit and skinny by breathing. She has lots of long bleach blonde hair and big poufy lips and long nails.) If I could just slow down enough in my headlong panic to breath, I’d be better off. Trouble is most times I can’t remember to do that until after I’ve eaten a whole cake.
12.33 – I took a breather break. That helped calm me down but I still feel like crying because I feel like nothing is going to get better here and I know it won’t and that means I will have to leave and I don’t …maybe I do. Now my boss’ wife just came in and began asking me computer questions because their son has 125 viruses on his computer and so he’s using theirs and it’s our MIS guy’s fault for not installing an antivirus program on their son’s computer. And my boss’ father was in here a little while ago saying he’s going to get involved in the company again. I’ll be leaving even sooner if that happens. I’m taking more deep breaths.
I want to leave the building but it’s raining so I can’t go to the park. I need to go to the mall but I’m afraid I will stop at McDonalds on my way there and then on my way back again. Maybe after a few minutes I’ll going. The boss and all of his family members are out so I will have a few moments of peace. Maybe I’ll go when they come back.
13.43 – I’m back. I went to Kitchen Kapers to exchange my cracked salad spinner. On the way back it started raining. Oddly, that makes me feel better. I took some artsy type raindrop photos while I was out too. I did not get and eat any food. Yay for me. As I was leaving and getting in my car, I was reflecting how painful this paying attention to my inner feelings and sensations is. It really hurts and is very uncomfortable. No wonder I have been dulling the pain with food. And I guess since it’s been so long since I’ve done it, it is doubly and triply uncomfortable. Sucks man.
15.27 – Just got done meeting with my boss and our 401k tpa. We are not changing anything, which is what I suggested ages ago but we had to have a total of five meetings to make that decision. I am exhausted. I’m eating my salad now. I waited in case I slopped dressing on my shirt again, little piggy that I am.
15.54 – I just got done talking to a wacky lady over a claim. Why do I take these things so personally? Now I want popcorn. I had my salad and I ate my Kashi bar but I want more. I am really exhausted today. The IRS cashed my check so that age old problem from when I was a poor single mother is finally done. Whoo hoo for future refund checks.
16.34 – I distracted myself by reading the silly stories of the world’s Attention Whores. I will not mention them by name (my own personal boycott) but you know who they are anyway. I think I’ve made it through another day at work without falling off of the wagon. Now I just need a strategy for at home at night before bed when I want cheese cake.
18:12 - Stopped on the way home by the river to see what it looked like because when I took pictures it was frozen over. Today, the ice was breaking up like an ice breaker ship went through. I took pictures. Made me feel a little better.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Triple Dog Dare
I am really pissed off with myself that I can’t get a handle on my food problems (I hate the word issues.)
Today, I begin walking again. I went shopping yesterday for five hours and was incapable of moving for the rest of the day because my knees hurt so badly.
It is very obvious to me that I am just being lazy. There has never been anything I couldn’t do if I wanted to do it. That means I haven’t wanted to take care of this debilitating situation enough. Well, I am officially double daring myself to get my great, big, fat ass moving.
I want to be at a normal weight and respectably mobile by the time I’m fifty. That gives me two years.
Don’t think I am being hard on myself either. I’m not. I deserve a swift kick, believe me.
Today, I begin walking again. I went shopping yesterday for five hours and was incapable of moving for the rest of the day because my knees hurt so badly.
It is very obvious to me that I am just being lazy. There has never been anything I couldn’t do if I wanted to do it. That means I haven’t wanted to take care of this debilitating situation enough. Well, I am officially double daring myself to get my great, big, fat ass moving.
I want to be at a normal weight and respectably mobile by the time I’m fifty. That gives me two years.
Don’t think I am being hard on myself either. I’m not. I deserve a swift kick, believe me.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Dream Book
This is my Dream Book. It is my present for breaking the 330 mark. Monday's official number was 328.8 pounds. That's a loss of 21.2 pounds since I began and 11.2 pounds since the beginning of July.
I am missing the white stuff (sugar, salt, flour, potatoes) but it's not too bad. I have allot of vegtables and fruit cut up and ready to eat when I'm hungry.
What's hard is eating tons of protein. I've never been much of a meat eater and eggs are not my favorite either, but in low doses throughout the day is easier.
I do feel better, with more energy, less sluggish. My mind also seems clearer. I think between the exercise and "bad" carbs, I am refreshing my system. My clothes are feeling looser, too.
Oops, almost forgot: in my Dream Book I will put pictures and notes of things I want and things I want to accomplish. I must do something instead of eat, because Food is Fuel, not Love.
I am missing the white stuff (sugar, salt, flour, potatoes) but it's not too bad. I have allot of vegtables and fruit cut up and ready to eat when I'm hungry.
What's hard is eating tons of protein. I've never been much of a meat eater and eggs are not my favorite either, but in low doses throughout the day is easier.
I do feel better, with more energy, less sluggish. My mind also seems clearer. I think between the exercise and "bad" carbs, I am refreshing my system. My clothes are feeling looser, too.
Oops, almost forgot: in my Dream Book I will put pictures and notes of things I want and things I want to accomplish. I must do something instead of eat, because Food is Fuel, not Love.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
The Beginning
I was slender and fit as a young child. Never skinny or small. I am of hearty European peasant stock (Austrian Celts, Germans, Irish) and a touch of East Coast Mohawk Indian, so I have curves, breasts, breeding hips and thighs. And I am denser than I appear. In other words, I've always worn my weight well. I wish I had accepted these things as ok a while ago, but I didn't appreciate what I had. At 150 pounds, I wore a size 9 desiner jeans. Now, I know there's nothing wrong with that but before I only focused on the number 150 and the dissatifaction of some jealous people around me. I never knew I was ok. I was never perfect so I was wrong, bad and yucky. But I disgress.
At the age of 10, things began to go wrong with my view of food. I got a friend who was not a friend and I didn't know it. This is when I began to medicate myself with food. She felt her life was so pathetic because her father had died in the Vietnam War, she had a glass eye, her mom was a man, she had to share her living space with young sailors who only noticed her older sisters and she was a bitch so no one liked her. All of these things were true. So, I felt sorry for her and since I was once again the new kid on the block and she sought me out for friendship (because she had used everyone else up) I was gratefully. I had no idea she hated me. I had no idea she was jealous of me. I had no idea she blamed me for her lacks as she perceived me as having everything. I have always looked like the lucky, carefree, whitebread, girl next door. So the abuse began (which included her hittingme when she was unhappy, which was often.) We only did what she wanted, when she wanted, how she wanted. We didn't move because she was disabled. We didn't associate with other people because no one liked her. The only exercise we got was when we went to the candy store. We ate and sat. And I was miserable but I didn't know why at the time. Subconciously I discovered the drug like effect of carbohydrates. I began eating whenever I felt uncomfortable. After a year and a half of this training, I was hooked.
At the age of 10, things began to go wrong with my view of food. I got a friend who was not a friend and I didn't know it. This is when I began to medicate myself with food. She felt her life was so pathetic because her father had died in the Vietnam War, she had a glass eye, her mom was a man, she had to share her living space with young sailors who only noticed her older sisters and she was a bitch so no one liked her. All of these things were true. So, I felt sorry for her and since I was once again the new kid on the block and she sought me out for friendship (because she had used everyone else up) I was gratefully. I had no idea she hated me. I had no idea she was jealous of me. I had no idea she blamed me for her lacks as she perceived me as having everything. I have always looked like the lucky, carefree, whitebread, girl next door. So the abuse began (which included her hittingme when she was unhappy, which was often.) We only did what she wanted, when she wanted, how she wanted. We didn't move because she was disabled. We didn't associate with other people because no one liked her. The only exercise we got was when we went to the candy store. We ate and sat. And I was miserable but I didn't know why at the time. Subconciously I discovered the drug like effect of carbohydrates. I began eating whenever I felt uncomfortable. After a year and a half of this training, I was hooked.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Food Is Fuel
“Food is fuel, not feelings” is my new mantra. I say it everyday to remind myself that despite my upbringing and training, food should not be used as a substitute for feelings, or emotions or putting a damper on any of them. It seems to be working right now. I’m sure I’ll need a new one eventually, but it’ll do for now. Plus, I love alliteration.
I am still walking everyday despite the fact that I can’t breathe for the heat, humidity and mold spores from all of the rain. I feel very good about this: an accomplishment in the right direction. And I do feel stronger, less emotionally flakey and with a tad more energy.
I am still walking everyday despite the fact that I can’t breathe for the heat, humidity and mold spores from all of the rain. I feel very good about this: an accomplishment in the right direction. And I do feel stronger, less emotionally flakey and with a tad more energy.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Just Relaxing
Exhaustion overtook me last night. I couldn’t even read a few sites I like to check before bed.
I walked before work. Yipee! I also walked at noon at work. Two times around our building, equals ten minutes. Double Yipee! The heat and steam drenched me in sweat. I deserve a cookie and Jenn and I decided I could have one if I want, so, nah. I had fresh cherries, instead.
I am trying to relax about food. I am trying not to hide what I eat or hide while I’m eating. If I want something, I am trying to take my time with it and enjoy it, instead of feeling guilty, which then causes me to eat more, and more real fast, so now I didn’t taste any of it, and I’m stuffed, so I starve myself until I want something again, then I pig out on it but never really taste or enjoy any of it and so on and so on.
I have always been good at listening to my body when it comes to illnesses. I knew immediately when I was pregnant (I know that’s not officially an illness, sheesh.) I amazed my doctor by showing up to have my shingles cured so early that she could hardly see the leasions. I never go to the doctor unless it’s for something really different. I never go to the doctor for colds or flus, etc. My point being, if I can do this, then I should be able to get back to listening to my body’s appetite sensor.
I love food. Instead of punishing myself by not allowing certain foods I will always say I can have whatever I want whenever I want it. Then, I don’t have to gorge on the food in secret. I can enjoy it. Eat it slower and feel better all of the way around.
I walked before work. Yipee! I also walked at noon at work. Two times around our building, equals ten minutes. Double Yipee! The heat and steam drenched me in sweat. I deserve a cookie and Jenn and I decided I could have one if I want, so, nah. I had fresh cherries, instead.
I am trying to relax about food. I am trying not to hide what I eat or hide while I’m eating. If I want something, I am trying to take my time with it and enjoy it, instead of feeling guilty, which then causes me to eat more, and more real fast, so now I didn’t taste any of it, and I’m stuffed, so I starve myself until I want something again, then I pig out on it but never really taste or enjoy any of it and so on and so on.
I have always been good at listening to my body when it comes to illnesses. I knew immediately when I was pregnant (I know that’s not officially an illness, sheesh.) I amazed my doctor by showing up to have my shingles cured so early that she could hardly see the leasions. I never go to the doctor unless it’s for something really different. I never go to the doctor for colds or flus, etc. My point being, if I can do this, then I should be able to get back to listening to my body’s appetite sensor.
I love food. Instead of punishing myself by not allowing certain foods I will always say I can have whatever I want whenever I want it. Then, I don’t have to gorge on the food in secret. I can enjoy it. Eat it slower and feel better all of the way around.
Friday, July 07, 2006
July Goals - Relax
By being more relaxed about food, I am actually feeling hungry and full at more appropriate times. I was normal for me to feel hungry after eating several hundred calories. I know this was mental or emotional hunger but I felt it in my stomach. I have begun to eat more slowly too, thus giving myself a chance to feel full with the right amount of food.
I think July will be a gentler month of getting used to new ways of being with food and exercise. Goals are good as sign posts to mark a path but rather than go with my usual outrageous goals I will set more realistic ones.
Goal One: Lose ten pounds by the end of July. This is possible. It works out to about two and a half pounds a week: sensible. This is not my usual goal of thinking I can do thirty pounds a month. Yes, I have routinely set these kinds of goals. No wonder, you say. I hear you.
Goal Number Two: Walk a minimum of twenty minutes everyday for the month of July. Again, doable. And find my walking DVD so I cannot use the weather as an excuse not to walk.
Goal Number Three: Start meditating again. I’m setting up my office upstairs this weekend. I’ll have the whole second floor to myself. I’ve always needed a lot of alone time, but haven’t gotten much over the last twenty years, so this will be great. I haven’t even been able to use the bathroom without being interrupted. This is not good for me. Since I was a very young child, I have required my own private world to recuperate. My senses easily overload. I think that’s why I’m not good as the center of attention or at big parties: way too much input. And then if I don’t get mega down time, I stop functioning well. I have tried to force myself to accept constant companionship, and I have failed to deal well with it. So, back to meditating: I have always enjoyed it. I meditate by counting my breaths, one, inhale, two, exhale, three, inhale, four, exhale, one, inhale, etc. The first fee minutes are hard. Not forcing my brain to settle down, just letting the thoughts flow and move on, and all the while concentrating on my breathing. The time flies.
I think I can do these three things. If I do more, great, but if I do these, I will consider myself successful.
I think July will be a gentler month of getting used to new ways of being with food and exercise. Goals are good as sign posts to mark a path but rather than go with my usual outrageous goals I will set more realistic ones.
Goal One: Lose ten pounds by the end of July. This is possible. It works out to about two and a half pounds a week: sensible. This is not my usual goal of thinking I can do thirty pounds a month. Yes, I have routinely set these kinds of goals. No wonder, you say. I hear you.
Goal Number Two: Walk a minimum of twenty minutes everyday for the month of July. Again, doable. And find my walking DVD so I cannot use the weather as an excuse not to walk.
Goal Number Three: Start meditating again. I’m setting up my office upstairs this weekend. I’ll have the whole second floor to myself. I’ve always needed a lot of alone time, but haven’t gotten much over the last twenty years, so this will be great. I haven’t even been able to use the bathroom without being interrupted. This is not good for me. Since I was a very young child, I have required my own private world to recuperate. My senses easily overload. I think that’s why I’m not good as the center of attention or at big parties: way too much input. And then if I don’t get mega down time, I stop functioning well. I have tried to force myself to accept constant companionship, and I have failed to deal well with it. So, back to meditating: I have always enjoyed it. I meditate by counting my breaths, one, inhale, two, exhale, three, inhale, four, exhale, one, inhale, etc. The first fee minutes are hard. Not forcing my brain to settle down, just letting the thoughts flow and move on, and all the while concentrating on my breathing. The time flies.
I think I can do these three things. If I do more, great, but if I do these, I will consider myself successful.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
I walked this morning before work, even in the rain. The walking is getting easier. I feel like I have a little more energy.
I felt actual hunger for breakfast. This is due to not being stuffed last night before bed. I did not eat all of the food in my lunchbox. I gave the dog half of my dinner. And today was stressful. I had a successful food day.
I felt actual hunger for breakfast. This is due to not being stuffed last night before bed. I did not eat all of the food in my lunchbox. I gave the dog half of my dinner. And today was stressful. I had a successful food day.
Monday, July 03, 2006
I wanted a McDonalds’ soft ice cream cone for lunch. Normally, I would have one, but I would eat it so fast, that I would get brain freeze, so I’d have it done before I got back to the office. I would not enjoy it. I would feel guilty for wanting it. I would feel guilty for not being strong enough to refuse it for myself. And on top of that, I’d feel so bad, I’d eat way too much other food afterwards, to soothe my guilt and stuff the anger right out of me.
This time I said, “What the hell. I want a cone, I’ll have a cone.” I also bought enough chicken strips and french fries for three people. I enjoyed my cone. I tasted it. I ate it slowly. I was not done with it by the time I got back to my office, so I took it in with me and finished it slowly at my desk. Then, I threw out the french fries without eating any and only ate half of the chicken. And I am still really fully. But now I feel satisfied.
This time I said, “What the hell. I want a cone, I’ll have a cone.” I also bought enough chicken strips and french fries for three people. I enjoyed my cone. I tasted it. I ate it slowly. I was not done with it by the time I got back to my office, so I took it in with me and finished it slowly at my desk. Then, I threw out the french fries without eating any and only ate half of the chicken. And I am still really fully. But now I feel satisfied.
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